Issues on the Bus

Logical consequences could include walking to school. How far is it? Kids that age can walk a couple miles. We live just a few blocks from both the elementary school and middle school where my 11 and 13 year old FKs attend, so they usually walk. But one day, I was driving them when my FS got upset and belligerent. I pulled the car over and made him walk. My kids are both athletes, and I would seriously consider making them walk two to three miles to school if they got kicked off the bus and the area was reasonably safe. They take responsibility for school though, so I don't have to worry about them just not going. I would change from sentence-writing as a consequence to writing a short paper about the problem behavior. I've modeled what I've made my kids do after the "think sheets" my FS got from school after misbehaving there. It asks what rule they broke, what they should have done differently, and what they will do next time. It changes the sentence writing from something mechanical and sometimes physically painful to something that forces the kid to think about the behavior. You could make them show it to the bus driver and bring it back home, signed, as part of an apology. In my house, those types of things usually have to be completed before the kids can use any electronics. At their ages, video games, TV, cell phones, and Facebook are all powerful motivators! That said, I try to stay away from power struggles, and I definitely wouldn't use food as my "weapon" to make them comply. Why are they getting into trouble on the bus? Can they be required to sit together, away from other kids, or something else that would prevent the behavior? Or can they, through an IEP, ride a different bus or have a bus assistant sit with them? "Love and Logic" is one way to parent, but I recently read "Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control" at my kids' psychologist recommendation. The approach of trying to address the underlying fear and character issues, instead of controlling the child through consequences, fits me.

Well, first, I think that would be the opposite of Love and Logic techniques. I used to check the Love and Logic tapes/CDs out from my local library and listen to them on my commute, and they were very helpful, they were full of kind loving tones of voice and getting the parent out of the stress of control battles. I highly recommend listening to them. My daughter was terribly defiant and Love and Logic let me stay calm and in control and yet allowed us to build love and attachment. Now as a teenager she is (most of the time) an angel and I haven't listened to the CDs for years so I have forgotten most of it. I vaguely remember that they instructed that if you don't really control something then don't ever try to force it because then the child "wins" and that makes them feel more insecure which leads them to be even less compliant. For the bus issues, perhaps you can break it down to smaller pieces that can be rewarded if they do well. I'm not sure what they are doing on the bus. Are they having problems with self control? Are they having problems with social skills? Are they having problems with following rules? It is really common for children from troubled homes to be clueless about expectations that other children know how to meet. When my daughter was young I bought a BoysTown book about 8 basic social skills. One of them was just simply responding to adults by looking at them, having a nice expression, and saying "OK". Gee you would think kids are born knowing that, but I had to go over that skill with my daughter what felt like a billion times. If you can find out what the specific bus problem behaviors are and break them down into little steps that the kids can understand, you could devise a motivation chart. Such as, for each day they stay in their seat they get 10 minutes of special game time on the weekend; for each day they keep their voices low on the bus, they get a token where they can trade tokens for various things that motivate them (maybe 5 tokens could be checking a movie out from RedBox or 10 tokens could be having a friend spend the night).

Thanks for the advice... I think the idea about writing a paper about the problem behavior is an excellent idea. that will work perfect for my dd. Ds however is very far behind and actually the sentence writing has improved his handwriting - he really can't make sentences on his own though. The issues on the bus are mostly just squirrelliness- they move from seat to seat, get into trouble with other kids, those types of behaviors. They won't just sit in the seat and behave. There is no option for having them walk - we live way out in the country and part of the problem is the route is so long - they ride an hour both morning and night. We have also been working on social skills but again that is a great idea - I will work on rewarding for the smaller things too that may help. Thanks for the tips - they are getting better all the time but it's definitely a work in progress!

WIth my older kids, if they cannot ride the bus to school due to behavior and I have to drive them to school, they have to pay me gas. If I couldn't drive them and couldn't trust them to walk and would have to resort to sending them in a cab or driving service, they'd have to pay for that themselves. Money talks for my teens.