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For some background - this January my DH and I were matched with a now 9 year old girl from foster care (I'll call her Rose) and we met her in the beginning of March. This is my first marriage and his 2nd, he has a 30 yo daughter and 27 yo son. There is more detail on her background below, but the reasons why I am writing are in the next few paragraphs.
Rose is a smart, charming, beautiful girl. She is absolutely wonderful with my 2 large dogs, great with little kids and a very kind child. She has 3 levels of behavior. Level 1 as I just described. Level 2 - defiant, rude, disobeying. Level 3 - raging, mean, swears, can be physically violent - BUT never to the dogs. We realized that she can be pulled out of level 2 before going into 3 if you give her space and allow her to do what she wants. This may work in a group home but not as well in a family home. When she is in a level 2 she acts as if she runs the world and can do whatever she wants. She hits a level 3 with us about once a month. She is still living in the group home but is with us on weekends and a few afternoons / evenings during the week.
DCYF told us from the beginning that Rose would need a slow transition because of her numerous moves and issues. She has been in 9 placements since being in care. Some for as little as a few days. However, at one point, we were told since things were going so well, maybe she should move in over April school vacation. We went with our gut and said no it was too soon for her. The latest plan was for her to move in at the end of school. Following a major rage in May and her repeatedly saying that things were moving too fast, we pushed back and said she needed more time. Early on, we realized that the therapist at the group home was not working well with Rose. There had been little to no grief counseling, anger management or even preparation for adoption. With the help of our adoption worker, we were able to bring in an experienced adoption therapist who now does a 1-1 and a family session every week. A ton of pain is coming out. She is making amazing progress. But she will still go into a rage.
This past Thursday during therapy we explained to Rose that she cannot be adopted by her former ff, the one that has her brother C. Rose obsesses over this ff. They lost their license and can not adopt her. The therapist felt it was important for her to understand this to help her move on. Rose started into a level 2 and then escalated into a level 3. My DH and I sat on the ground and held/restrained her. She struggled against us for 30+ min. The therapist was with us. At one point, Rose bit my thumb hard, she then bit DH's arm. She then started spitting on me. I did not react and we held on. She then bit the inside of her mouth and started to spit blood all over me, the floor and DH. At this point, we called 911 since we were not sure if we could keep her safe. Once they arrived, she calmed down, was checked out by the emergency personnel and was able to be calm enough to eat some dinner before we took her back to the group home.
The therapist, DH and I feel it would be best for Rose to really slow things down. To push the move in date out until sometime in the fall or even to the end of the year. We both work full time. We have asked what options there are for a home based care person to be with us 20+ hours a week to help Rose to learn how to live with a family. The catch 22 we are hearing is that we cannot receive help unless she is living with us full time. She needs an extended transition and we cannot handle her more than we have her now without help. I understand that DCYF wants her in a home and I understand the cost of a group home. However, I feel that we have to take a stand to make sure Rose and our family gets what we all need.
Does any one have any thoughts on a better approach? I cannot take extensive time off from work. My DH has a start up company and I am the breadwinner for now.
Rose was 1 of 3 siblings moved over the course of 2-3 years from the bio's home because of neglect. One brother J was removed at 3 months old and was adopted by the ff, Rose and another brother C were removed 2 years later. 2 sisters died in the bio's care; one at about 3 months from apparent smothering in the parents' bed and the other at 2 yo from drowning in the family pool. Rose witnessed the drowning. (I do not meant to sound clinical about a terrible situation but I wanted to share the gist of Rose's history. The dates are approximate.) She also has an older half sister, T, who is now 21.
Rose (7 yo) and her brother C (2 yo) were removed and placed with brother J's (3 yo) family as an emergency placement. After about 4 months they were removed because the foster family was not set for that many children. Rose and C were placed with a pre adoptive foster family. Parental visits continued but eventually TPR happened for both kids. At this point, their ff cut off all contact with brother J and with sister T. Rose started to act out, raging, throwing fits and being destructive. She was removed from the home and went through several temp placements over the next 6-8 months. At the ff's request she was placed back in the home with the goal of adoption. After 1 month, she was removed during a major meltdown by the police and spent 2 weeks in a hospital before moving into a therapeutic group home last August. They visited Rose 2-3 times during her first few months in the home but then stopped contact. When she was placed in the group home, she was covered in flea bites and her belongings were infested. She regained contact with T and sees her regularly.
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I agree, you need to be able to provide this for her, for the next several years. I would imagine Rose will take years of constant supervision, and intense therapy to be able to avoid level 3 behavior. And at any moment when she feels it will suit her needs, or when trauma anniversaries happen, or major transitions, (changing grades, moving, hitting puberty, graduating etc) you will see level 3 cycle back around for days or weeks or months. Also, she will be hitting puberty soon and you can expect several years of her worst behaviors. This is a very needy child who will require the most intense parenting you can imagine, for a long time. You may not see progress/proof of your parenting until she is well into adulthood. It can be done, but it is not like any other kind of parenting out there. You need to be aware of that. Nothing can really prepare you for how hard it will be. But at the same time, when you do finally see progress it will be that much sweeter. Normal parenting skills will be nearly useless with this girl. Even the best bio parent on the planet would not be able to just keep doing what they did before and have it work for her. Once you realize that you cannot be the parent you wanted to be, you must be the parent this particular child needs, it will get easier. But letting go of that dream is hard.
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Thank you for your replies. I appreciate your viewpoints and the idea that a stay at home parent is best for Rose. We rely on both of our incomes - well, at this point, it's only my income since DH's business is still getting off the ground. I cannot stay at home. Please note, I am not saying that I would not want to stay at home - I would love to be at home full time. That's just not the cards I was given in life. I cannot stay at home. We need my income to survive. It is not an option for my DH to be the stay at home parent.
Rose is demonstrating a higher level of behavior than we had been prepped for. As I noted, we realized that the clinician in the group home had done little to no work with her to address her loss and trauma since she has been in the home. (Aug 2011) The former ff caused a good amount of damage on top of what was caused by the bio parents. A great amount of work is now being done. A ton of stuff is coming out. She usually rages around the time that something major surfaces in therapy.
Everyone involved feels that if we walk away from Rose it could cause her even more, permanent damage. This is not a simple case of her needing a stay at home mom so they should find someone else to adopt her.
I am trying to figure out how to push or encourage DCYF and the system to help us to help Rose. How do we get the resources in our home to help her? How do we get the resources in our home on a part time basis while she is only with us part time?
Everyone else in Rose's life has given up on her. Her bio parents, her former foster family. She very clearly asked me the other week "please do not give up on me. Please give me a chance." I am trying. I already know this is going to be hard because it already has been hard and we are only at the beginning.
What all the previous people have said is true. Having said that I took a similar leap and while it is extremely difficult, I don't regret doing it. Sometimes kids deserve a chance and sometimes you are the only real chance they will get. Then you have to decide if you can really do what the child needs. And that's an extremely hard decision.
Best of luck to you in your journey.
My concern would be that their helping you would mean someone else doing the parenting while you work. For a well adjusted child, that would be fine. She is not. She needs the parent doing all the work. She needs years of this to show her you are committed. It is not your fault that you can't provide this for her. Maybe your role in her life will be more of a part time role. SHe needs someone to help her through this but this person doesn't have to be her parent. You could do visits and provide respite when she does find a more appropriate adoptive home. My family has found an amazing support system from former foster parents continuing their relationship. I would even go so far to say that continuing those relationships has shown my kids that people care and stick around. These people showed my kids they were worthy of love and a family. They have been an amazing support to us.
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I completely understand that many people believe she should be with a SAH parent. Thank you Mille and Hunterdon for your words of encouragement that people have done this with tough kids while working. I know this will not be easy. And I will admit that I alternate between knowing this can work and being completely overwhelmed.
Rose has been on meds for about 6 months now for anxiety. She has shown good improvement. The few days following Rose's fit at our house was a tough one for her. She struggled with defiance and rudeness at the group home. I spent time with her on both that Saturday and Sunday and then she came to our house that Monday for her gymnastics recital and dinner. By Wednesday of this past week, it was as if the storm had passed and the sweet kid was back. We had a good therapy session on Thursday. She is still struggling with fear of if she loves us can she still love her bio mom. We are very clear in explaining that her heart has room to love all sorts of people. She has been with us since Thursday afternoon and has been doing really well with talking about feelings and pulling her self out of cranky moods very quickly. She finally explained to us that she gets embarrassed when she has a fit or is in a rage. We are encouraging her that she never needs to be ashamed or embarrassed with us. That we are so proud of her and love her no matter how she acts.
Thanks Millie. It's great for me to hear that your kids were able to do so well. Rose is finally getting trauma therapy. As I mentioned earlier, a few months ago we realized that she was not getting the therapy she needed from the group home's therapist. Our adoption person helped to connect Rose with an excellent person who doing wonders with her.
We are learning some of the ways that we can help her with her trauma. One thing we have been doing recently is to talk with Rose about what she needs us to do when she starts to get stressed. Together with our therapist and Rose, we are working on a plan to help Rose to "take her space" when she feels stress coming on. She was able to pull herself out of a cranky mood yesterday in about 5-10 minutes by taking space. We told her how proud she was that she used her words to let us know what was going on.
I have a 12 yo fd with PTSD who also have similar levels as Rose. Level 1 she is fine - loving, helpful around the house - the "perfect" daughter. Level 2 - she knows it all, I know nothing, cursing, rude, disrespectful. Level 3 - abusive physically. I've been to the ER once because she hit me so hard on top of the head I almost blacked out. I've had whiplash. I weigh over 200 lbs and she can drag me across the room by the hair and throw me to the ground.
She is on an antidepressant for mood similar to the anxiety meds Rose is on. N is also on Risperdone which is used for explosive behaviors. I have personally seen this med work well for other children in a group home where I worked who had behaviors. N went through a period over the past two months where she was VERY physically violent and I convinced the pyschiatrist that we needed a med change. She made a very small adjustment in the Risperdone and it has made a major difference in N's levels of frustration.
This may be something that they could look at trying for Rose. I know it was very frustrating for N when she was going through the phase where she was having increased behaviors. She told me many times that she "got frustrated at everything." and it was very discouraging and hard for her. She could tell that she needed a med change and needed something else to help her to cope and was able to voice this to the doctor.
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What happened with Rose? Did she end up moving in? I am a single mom of 3 adopted kiddos- two diagnosed with RAD and I work fulltime.
I have great support, through daycare providers who help me OUT A TON! Backup plans in place.. Even though none of the kiddos I haev are aggressive so that is a bit different. But usually with alternate providers they do well since they dont have to establish a relationship.
Thanks!
Ah, where to begin? I'll give a overview of the past 8-9 months. "Rose" moved in with us at the beginning of August. Things were challenges but the first few weeks were good. It was an exciting time.
And then school started. Fourth grade in a new school. Things went down hill fast. Really fast. Rose went from raging every 4-6 weeks to raging almost every day. Sometimes more than once a day. She was fine when allowed to do what she wanted, when she wanted, where she wanted. But going to bed on time, getting to school (no school bus - I drove her every morning), working on homework, helping with clearing dinner dishes - anything that didn't fit what she wanted - could and often would bring out a full on rage. I was kicked, hit, punched, bit, slammed against walls. She was starting to demonstrate very unsafe behavior at school and I was getting calls daily. I woke up each day dreading what the day would bring.
After 5-6 weeks of increasingly worse behavior and at the advice of her therapist and DCYF supervisor, we finally took her to the hospital. She was admitted to the children's psychiatric hospital in our state about 15 min from us. I saw her every day while she was there. After 4 weeks, she came home. We had a plan, she was on new meds, we had new training from the hospital and we were optimistic that we could do this. We could be a family.
After 2 weeks at home, Rose was admitted back at the hospital. She was out of control at school, tried to bite electric wires behind the tv at home, and was becoming increasingly violent. We needed to keep her safe. She was selected for the hospital's residential treatment program where she has been since the end of November. At the end of December, she was readmitted to the hospital because of behavior that was too dangerous for the residential program. She was allowed back into the program in February. She has been attending school in a contained classroom since February and is doing ok. Her rages and unsafe behavior cycle every few weeks and the tough behaviors lasts 1-2 weeks. She usually requires 2-3 staff to restrain her.
So, after living with us for 5-6 weeks, Rose has been part of the psychiatric hospital and their residential program for 7+ months. She is expected to be there until at least December. We talk with her every day and visit 4+ times a week.
I am at a loss. I cannot leave my job and I really do not think I can be the best mom for Rose. For those who told me she needs a SAH mom - now I can see how right you were. On top of everything, my marriage is failing and I really don't think I can be a single mom to her. Additionally, she has hit early on set puberty and has gained 30 lbs and grown 2-3 inches. I am not sure if I could physically hold her if I had to.
I'm not sure why I am writing. I am not sure what my questions are. I love Rose but I am afraid that her needs and behaviors would destroy me. I want to stay in her life. Someone mentioned being a visiting resource.
Over the past 7-8 month we have discovered so many ways that DCYF misrepresented her needs and behaviors. I can blame them and blame the system. I can get really mad but that doesn't help my breaking heart.
I'm so sorry to hear of your trouble. No advice, just lots of empathy and hope that you will find the path to take for yourself and your family.And I know what you mean about blaming DCYF and getting really mad. You are right that it doesn't help, but it is impossible not to be outraged at what happens to the children.You are in my thoughts.
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Im so sorry to hear your ongoing story. I cant imagine te stress this has added to you lives and marriage. At some point you need to put you lives and marriage first.I have a now nine year olf stbad. She is doing extremely well, though we struggled in the beginning. We had in home theraputic behavioral services(TBS). Initially it started at four days a week three hours a day, and as her tantrums and behaviors lessoned, it was decreased. This was in addition to regular weekly counseling. After six months of TBS, We just completed our last session about two weeks ago...once weekly for two hours. She is much more calm, relaxed and in control of her emotions. We can now actually communicated:)Please focus on saving your marriage.Good luck and God Bless.Tam
I'm SO sorry to hear this. I was really worried for you. Everyone is right, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE. Your instinct as a parent will be to put your child first, and a lot of times that is correct, but you cannot do anything for her, if you are not in a stable place yourself. Get counseling for yourself and your hubby. Love is not enough to heal a child so badly damaged. Nor is it enough to save your marriage, you need help, and she needs help. Sometimes even therapeutic parenting isn't enough to heal a child. You need to be ok with being her parent if she never heals.