sibling visitation

Geez honey, get a grip. Just asking'Nobody said DNA trumps all.When baby grows up and realizes that decided for him that sisters were not important, he may care a lot or not at all. My husband was adopted and could not care less about bfamily, has no curiosity at all. Other friends I have are in agony that tbfamily was kept from them or don't want to know them.I give this guy credit for putting his kids feelings first, and wanting to provide a home for their sib. Court may not let it happen, but when the little guys asks, Dad can say he tried. When his daughters ask about their brother, Dad can say he tried.Couple newsflashes for you--money is not the be all and end all. Also, that unbreakable bond? You will be shocked to find out that there is a good chance that he'll forget you completely if he is moved, likely in a couple of months.Since baby has been with you so long, I hope he doesn't move. Not because you are anything special, but because that is best for kids--not to change parents, ever. Please follow through on your promise to keep in touch with sibs--he deserves that, he has lost enough already in his short little life. It's not your decision whether those sibling relationships are important, it's his.If your family is so wonderful and you have such great family values, it won't make a difference if he is exposed to some less than perfect behavior. He will know the difference between right and wrong if you demonstrate the difference in your daily life.

I don't know if it is the same everywhere, but where I am, post-adoption sibling visits are totally at the discretion of the adoptive parents; however, if you put an agreement in writing then it is enforceable. I have heard of families being chosen for a placement based on their openness to maintaining sibling visits, but even then, they are free to change their mind post-adoption. I felt some pressure to agree to continue to allow sibling visits after adopting my son (his siblings were being adopted by another family who wanted visits); however, ultimately I decided not to do visits because he had only seen his siblings a couple of times since he was 2 months old and there was no bond. I grew up with siblings that I only saw occasionally at visits with my father and I hated it. I was glad when my father moved away and I no longer had to visit. I didn't want that for my son. The social worker was not over-joyed with my decision, but she did accept it. Even if it is possible for a judge to order sibling visits where you are, I doubt he would order that they had to be unsupervised as that would be stepping on your rights as parents to determine who has control and access to your child.

the more I read this forum, the more i start to see some common truths i totally get that we, as parents, needs to feel we got the best possible outcome for our kids. i also totally get that we hope OUR desired outcome is the best outcome that security helps us build confidence; which, goddess knows, the kid's need in order to feel safe However, the reality is hard. there is no "optimal" outcome when it comes to adoption. in an optimal world, our kiddos are born to perfectly functioning parents; they grow up seeing their eyes reflected in the person putting them to bed at night I worry, when i see notes like the one below, that APs can put their needs (to feel they made the right decision) ahead of the kiddo's needs Yes, having money makes it easier to provide for some of the kid's needs - like cheerleading, tutoring, and American girl Doll store birth parties.. there's no way I would make it through my daughter's 3rd grade without a good paying job :woohoo: And, yes, some people grow up glad to be away from their siblings (as am I on many days) But without a crystal ball, you can't be sure these will outweigh what the child loses.. * The ability to see themselves reflected in someone else who shares their dna (the comfort DD gets from seeing a button nose... a crooked toe, a solid build.. to show she's not a "freak" is invaluable as she is starting to notice these differences in people), * the certainty of what happened to their sibling and not wondering if they are hurt or dead, * the reminder that life in their first home would not have been ideal... The comfort in knowing her APs were thoughtful enough to ensure her past wasn't erased.. .. these all matter. Thats not to say you HAVE to have a sibling relationship. Just, please, acknowledge and consider the trade offs.

You stated my exact thoughts with kindness.

He's 10 months old -- no 10 month old has a huge bond with their siblings -- its the growing up and sharing memories part that matters - and when he is old enough to understand, the biological connection also does matter. My son has seen his biological sisters ONCE in his life, and our other son, his full bio brother, has NEVER seen his biological sisters. My boys are now ages 17 and 16 -- those sisters ARE important to them. Not visiting them has, if anything, made that concern, that fantasy, that desire to protect them even more significant to them. And that is not to say that they don't ADORE their brothers and sisters they have been raised with (we have six kids so there are lots of siblings around :) ) BUT you cannot minimize their bond and attachment to their bio siblings as well. Our kids come to our families in a different way than if we gave birth to them. Just like they have other parents, they also have other brothers and sisters. Losing them or a connection to them, especially when it is pointless, is going to cause further pain. And ALSO -- the point I am not sure has been mentioned, obviously his sisters have a strong attachment to him or they wouldn't be asking their dad to adopt him too. Why should they lose their little brother needlessly? That loss really does have the power to bring huge pain into their lives.

To the OP, I'm glad that you love this child so fiercely. My amom loved me with all her heart too. That is a lovely thing. And I'm very thankful for my blessing, and return that love just as strongly.I'm also glad you plan to keep contact and a relationship with the siblings. This is good.All I can really add to the conversation is the loss of a common childhood and relationship with my birth sibling makes me sad to my core. There's a crack in my heart that will always be. There are not many sorrowful spots within me, but this is one.

A few years ago I would have felt the same way as the OP. However, my adopted children are now 12 and 13. Each has a sibling or two. Neither has ever, ever met their siblings. They were both abandoned at birth. Each has no expressed a wish to know their siblings. They want to know what they look like and what kinds of things they like. One has seen pictures and video. One has not and likely never will. We don't even have a name for that sibling. Both are sad about not having that relationship. Both do have other siblings, each other and my two bio boys. That does not stop them from wanting to know the siblings with whom they share dna. I feel bad that I cannot provide that relationship for them. I do love them so much that it hurts me when they are hurt. Have you offered to have the visits at your house? Or offered other alternatives? Meeting a children's museum or playground or something like that? Also please, please watch your attitude about those sisters. Your distrust of them and feelings that they are not being brought up correctly and such will be picked up on by all the children. Your son will feel a personal hurt by that. He is of the same blood as them so if they are "bad" he must be too. I know you love him and don't want him to feel bad about himself, so please be careful of how you talk about and treat his sisters. Even at this age they pick up on more than you think.

That's the most comforting thing I've heard in a long time. His case worker already told me that DHS has no interest or desire for me to let him see his siblings after adoption and are only having him do so now because the judge has ordered it while the case is still open. They understand that he is a baby who never knew his siblings and expressed that he has a chance at a fresh start and can live a normal life without weekly visits as if he were from a divorced family. There are many pros and cons in my mind for having him visit his siblings. And I've decided that justifying those decisions to outsiders, including the man who wishes he could have him, and his sisters, is not necessary. I must do what is right for my son and only my son. It is his emotions that matter to me. Protecting him is my most important job. I will never willingly leave my baby or small child with someone I don't know, and know very, very well. I really believed I would allow visits, but now that I've read what you wrote, and I know in my heart that the decision is far from made.

[QUOTE=wcurry66]I worry, when i see notes like the one below, that APs can put their needs (to feel they made the right decision) ahead of the kiddo's needs Yes, having money makes it easier to provide for some of the kid's needs - like cheerleading, tutoring, and American girl Doll store birth parties.. there's no way I would make it through my daughter's 3rd grade without a good paying job :woohoo: And, yes, some people grow up glad to be away from their siblings (as am I on many days) But without a crystal ball, you can't be sure these will outweigh what the child loses.. QUOTE] I'm sorry you feel that I put my needs before my son's. A good mother makes hard decisions when she believes in her heart those decisions are right for their child, regardless of popularity. I never said I wasn't going to allow visits, I just explained the very good reasons why everyone involved in this case doesn't want his siblings' bio dad to adopt. I may or may not allow visits, I just don't know. It's something I've laid awake thinking about many nights. If I wanted to put my needs first, I would say forget about it, I'm not wasting one minute of my time worrying about this. The thought of making the wrong decision terrifies me, but I'm looking at this from many angles, and hours of agonizing over it brings more and more angles and thoughts, so it's not a black and white decision. There are two choices, and I'm not convinced that the one that is most popular on this forum is the one that is right for my son. A mother's love is just as powerful if it's an adoptive mother or a bio mother, and I'm sure there are plenty of people who don't believe that. And that love is the love that leads me to put him first, at all cost. So anyone can doubt that if they want, but I have no doubt that my son will know that I always put him first, and that is ALL that I care about.

I said I wouldn't come back, and here I am like a fool reaching more of your bullying. Well, I took the bait and now I get to defend myself. I NEVER said that I didn't want him to have visits, so not sure why people feel the need to convince me that I should let him have visits, but whatever. 1) No money is not the be all... but he deserves better than a life of poverty. He'll be glad to have been raised by a doting mother and father who just happens to have all of the money needed to give him the best advantages in life. We live a really exciting life. And I'm not ashamed to say that I think that is an advantage to him. There are people who believe people with plenty of money don't spend quality time with each other. You can't be wealthy and have true love at the same time. Well, for some of us, we have it all, and that is something my fs has the opportunity to experience. Either way he is going to be raised by someone who is not his bio parent, that is a given. Either way he can know his siblings. But with us, he has a MOTHER and a father, and he gets to travel the world throughout his entire childhood, and he gets to have all of the love, attention, and guidance that any little man could handle. So, I'm not ashamed to point out that i think that is good for him. He's so happy with us, which brings me to the second defense. 2) He will forget us in a couple of months because we're not special? I know you probably meant for that to sting, but I'm sorry to inform you that it didn't. As a foster mom, I know all too well how quickly these little ones forget the people who they have known their entire lives and bond with their foster parents. I think that once they are about three years old that they will always remember, but at my fs's age, he would forget (conciously). But I've done enough research and read enough books and articles to know about the possible long term damage that can happen from bonds being broken in their very early childhood. Oh, and yes, actually I am special. I'm special to him, and again, that's all that matters. My mom is sure special. My husband's mom is very special. I bet you are even special to your children. Mothers aren't replaceable duplicates. He already had to lose his first mother, and there is no reason he should endure losing his second... and he won't. I don't even know why I'm on here trying to convince strangers that my son and I belong together, when the people in power want us to adopt him. The case has moved forward even more since the last time I wrote. He is going to be ours. So every member of this forum could get on here and tell me they think I'm a terrible person and hope I don't adopt my baby, but it wouldn't matter at all. I win, my husband wins, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, my son wins!!!:) I'm so happy, this is such a happy time in our lives, and i can't wait to spend the rest of our life doing right by our precious child.

Did a post get deleted from this thread?Thanks

Yes, a post was deleted. When checking my email last night I saw that there had been updates to this thread, and like a bug flying into a light, I just had to go see what had been written, even though I swore to myself I wouldn't. And of course like the nerd that I can be at times, I actually let the words of complete strangers tick me off, and I took the time to argue with you and "tell you off." And then I realized how pathetic that was, and I talked to my husband, and he told me that real life isn't in that computer, so how can I let imaginary people in a computer upset me. I explained that I came to this site for support, because there were many others who had gone through some of the tough things we have gone through and our children have gone through, and it's a great place to get support and encouragement, usually that is. He reminded me that I have friends and family, and him for support and told me that all of those people, the people that mattered not only knew I was a great mother, but knew I put my son first at all cost, and that it was very silly for me to defend myself online to complete strangers. I felt very foolish at that point and went back to the computer to delete my defensive statements. I no longer see this forum as a place to get support. I too often see people being attacked, not just me, but many others. I just spent 10 minutes or so trying to figure out how to delete my username/account and can't seem to find a way. So, if anyone knows please let me know. If I didn't keep getting emails to draw me back here i'd be much better off, but I think I've reached a point where I know it's in my best interest to ignore those pesky emails:)

One last post... I just wanted to say thank you for writing this. So, THANK YOU!

You can turn off the email option on your home page. You can't delete your user name or account.

My children have bio siblings who are currently in foster to adopt home. We choose not to foster to adopt this sibling for our own reasons, however wanted our children to have contact. FCS worked with us to find a family who was willing to have openness with our children and us. This does not mean that we have visits without the foster to adopt parents present. Just because there are court ordered visits or an adoption agreement does not mean the visits are done without the parents (adoptive or foster) present. It is very important for siblings to have contact, even if they are young at the time and don't comprehend. It will affect them later and there is no harm in being open and having more love and people who love them in their life. Usually, it is comforting just to know where their sibling is, whom their with and that they can visit. Seems like you might be scared that these visits are unsupervised. This is usually not the case. That would be your choice as the parents.Unless judge grants a crown ward status with visitation order, the father would have no rights to visits, unless this was something you chose to do.