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Hi everyone, I need all of you kinship parents opinion. My niece was placed in my home when she was 3 weeks old by children and youth because my sister was doing drugs, and my niece is now 18 months old. We are in the process of adopting her because my sister is going to jail at the end of July for a minimum of 7 months. My sister voluntary signed her rights off because she knew that the county would try to TPR because the baby was in care already for 18 months before she even started her jail term. We both sat down and discussed the situation and this is when is got worse for me. She has so many rules for us and if we didn't agree, she wouldn't make the right decision for the baby and would let children and youth just carry this out and start the TPR. Honestly our county is the worse in handling TPR and they take years to complete it. There for I was nervous that the baby would end back up with my sister because our system here is horriable. I know that my sister isn't clean drug wise because I have proof, but children and youth don't even drug test her anymore. But they gave her unsupervised visits for a couple of hours. I don't let her take the baby by herself because she knows I don't trust her. But her rules are when we adopt the baby I'm not allowed to change the baby's last name, I'm not allowed to let her call me mom which is pretty hard because I have 2 children of my own ages 23 and 19 and they live at home yet and she hears them call me mom. My sister drops in when ever she feels and god for bid if I'm not home she freaks out. But then she can disappear for 2 days and that is ok. But when she does hear the baby call me mom she will correct her and say No I'm your mom and we try to refer to me as "Nina" but the baby just doesn't understand and I feel terrible correcting her because this little girl needs a mom all the time especially because her mom is going away for at least 7 months and really will the baby remember her when she gets out of jail? I honestly feel that my sister has to face it, that if she wants us to adopt the baby she will have 2 mom's! One full-time mom and a part time mom. Am I being heartless for thinking this way? For the first 14 months that I had the baby, my sister and I and my whole family didn't talk at all. My family was the biggest enabler of my sister's drug use because they were in denial. My sister really put my immediate family thru hell and there were days I honestly didn't think we could go on. The sad part about this whole thing is the baby was born exposed to drugs and addicted mildly and also exposed to Hep C and is now Hep C positive and will have to go through a whole year of treatments which I will have to be the one to take care of her. And I wouldn't want it any other way but yet my family doesn't think I should allow her to call me "MOM"! Seriously what are your thoughts and what would you do? I also need to make some kind of visitation schedule because I feel like I am raising 2 children when she is here visiting the baby :(. But as soon as I say something she gets angry and starts all kind of drama with the family and I honestly don't think the drama is fair to the baby and I don't want her to sense anything is wrong. Sorry for this post being so long
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I think you should hold out for the involuntary TPR. I don't know where you live, but in our area...she would not have a snowballs chance to win. She may be able to delay the adoption with an appeal, but she would not win. The child has been with you since birth and has been in care for 18 months. YOU are her mother. Remember you have power here too. Draw some boundaries. I don't know if I understand your post completely, but didn't she sign over her rights? In our area this is irreversable. She does not have a leg to stand on.
In our situation, we have adopted our niece's children. Some of the boundaries we have drawn my niece was pretty angry at. However, she has accepted them because she wants what's best for the kids and we are the ones that will agree or not to visits.
Names: They have our last name. We are responsible for caring for them day to day. They need to feel like they are 100% our children as much as our bios are! In fact, I changed our DD first name because I hated her birth name. We were going to adopt her at birth in a private adoption and named her. I could not call her a different name after parenting her for weeks. My DS was a Jr to a man who is not involved in his life. He now has his Great Grandfather's name for his middle name a man who is a favorite relative of mine and his birth mother. I have had my DD in my home since she was 9 months old & called her "Sister" the whole time until my niece signed the identified surrender.
Visits: She has one formal visit a month that is just me her and the kids. She is also invited to all our family functions like birthdays. All visits are set up ahead of time. She cannot just stop by whenever.
Who is "Mom": I have no problem with the kids calling her Mama. I am Mom or Mommy. She loves them and they love her, but I retain the right to be the children's parent. She does not have the right to tell me what I can and cannot do in my home. Like, I know she is not happy we are baptising the children. We are Catholic and she is Pentacostal so it is against her beliefs.
I know relative adoptions are tough. Your FIRST priority will need to be the child and your immediate family. Do not feel guilty about drawing some reasonable boundaries. You have to do what's best for your child. If your sister wanted to parent so badly, she should have worked her plan and regained custody of her child.
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Yes she signed her rights off as long as we were the ones that would adopt the baby. if i hold out for the children and youth to do the TPR honestly it will be at least 2 years and they told me that themselves. Our system's staff is horrible, they never return my calls and they set up appts to visit the baby monthly and never show up and don't even call me. I honestly want them out of my life just as bad as I want the adoption to be final. Our children and youth since do what is best for them and not the children, it is very sad. The agency that is handling my adoption is dumb founded by what we have been through. I would even settle for the baby to call me mommy nina because at least she would have a mommy all the time. Thank you for your advice and I agree with you, I need to lay the law down and if that makes me the bad guy oh well. The most important thing here is the baby and my immediate family <3
I still don't understand you completely. In my state, if the parents do an identified surrender, the court then does a straight forward TPR it's not a big deal. Are you now adopting privately instead of through the children and youth system? Or are you just worried she will revoke her identified surrender? If the waiting period is over, there is nothing she can do to stand in your way at this point. If you have a 30 day revocation period, I can see your issue.
In our state, we have open adoption agreements. I agreed to 1-2 visits per year and quarterly updates with pics. I do much more than I agreed to but I agreed to the maximum I would be comfortable with if things got ugly. No where in the open adoption agreement does the parents have a place to dictate names of children, who is called mom, etc.
We actually have a very pleasant relationship with our niece. Although she was a bit angry at first, I think the boundaries made it easier to have a comfortable enjoyable relationship which is better for all of us.
Edited: I just reread your post. It looks like you are adopting privately. I didn't realize that was even possible!
Personally I would never agree to anything. I would find me a good attorney and file for TPR and do it the right way. I would never EVER make an agreement regarding voluntary TPR because it can be revoked if it's made that way. You should be doing this the legal way, without promising anything to anyone. I would find an attorney and get them involved. You may be causing alot more issues by agreeing to things in exchange for voluntary TPR. Why would you want to take that chance that biomom can dispute the TPR and thus the adoption???
We are not adopting privately, we are going thru children and youth. My state has a 30 day waiting period, so if she wants to change her mind she can. After the 30 days the the baby is awarded to children and youth. Then children and youth said I have to wait 6-8 weeks until the courts finalize the paperwork and then my lawyer can put in for the adoption on my behalf. Children and youth just contracted out to an agency to handle my adoption process because they said they were to busy to do it. But everything is going thru children and youth, it is just that a outside agency is handling all the paperwork and home study. My lawyer is involved and also said we have to wait until the courts finalize the TPR paperwork before we can do anything. I know she can't dictate to me about her last name but I just don't don't want anymore drama and if I change her name, that is what will happen and I don't want to expose the baby to the drama. I was also told that once we adopt the baby that my sister can't revoke her voluntary TPR because it will be past her 30 day waiting period. I'm trying to make the right decisions for the baby and weigh my pro's and con's. Sorry if i sound confusing but I get so worked up because the county will not help us and tell us the process so I pretty much have to rely on doing the research on my own.
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I am not a nice person when it comes to protecting my child.
I would lie. Tell her whatever she wants to hear--in 30 days her involvement is over. Put nothing in writing.
Family drama? Smile sweetly and say "We just did what is best for our child. I know you want that too...)
Court, dependency--what a headache and heartache. Best wishes, hang in there, LO is worth it.
Do not take short-cuts at the expense of the baby's stability and safety.
I realize that you just want it to be over. We've all been there. But you are inviting a whole other world of trouble by allowing her to think that she can dictate how you and your family will live, which is exactly what is going on right now.
She sounds like she is committed to separating that baby from the rest of you. The child isn't allowed to see you as mom, not allowed to share her family's name, and the family must schedule their lives around your niece's demands for contact, during which she'll reinforce how that kid is HERS. You will not be doing the child any favors by allowing this.
I would allow the State to follow through with TPR so that you and your family can be truly free of your niece's dictatorship.
Ok now I understand better. To be honest, if my neice had acted how your sister is acting I would have had to play hardball. I would have said, ok, you do what you need to do, I will do what I need to do. I'm sure you are in love with that precious child. If I was in your position, I would chance a break with my family before comprimising what's best for my baby. Your sister will not win. She has not done what she needed to do to get that precious baby back & you had NOTHING to do with that. That was entirely her doing. It will be longer, and it will be harder, but that child deserves to be your child 100%. I know its messy and drama filled.
I have heard of people getting adoptions done when the CPS system is incompetant. I don't know how they did it, but they hired personal lawyers and got permanant legal guardianship and then after a year filed for adoption. It might be worth looking into if your children's services in your area is so awful. Personally, I'd rather deal with CPS BS than what you are going through. I am so sorry. :( This is why many families do not step up to adopt their relatives. I totally get it. :(
myredhead
Hi everyone, I need all of you kinship parents opinion. My niece was placed in my home when she was 3 weeks old by children and youth because my sister was doing drugs, and my niece is now 18 months old. We are in the process of adopting her because my sister is going to jail at the end of July for a minimum of 7 months. My sister voluntary signed her rights off because she knew that the county would try to TPR because the baby was in care already for 18 months before she even started her jail term. We both sat down and discussed the situation and this is when is got worse for me. She has so many rules for us and if we didn't agree, she wouldn't make the right decision for the baby and would let children and youth just carry this out and start the TPR. Honestly our county is the worse in handling TPR and they take years to complete it. There for I was nervous that the baby would end back up with my sister because our system here is horriable. I know that my sister isn't clean drug wise because I have proof, but children and youth don't even drug test her anymore. But they gave her unsupervised visits for a couple of hours. I don't let her take the baby by herself because she knows I don't trust her. But her rules are when we adopt the baby I'm not allowed to change the baby's last name, I'm not allowed to let her call me mom which is pretty hard because I have 2 children of my own ages 23 and 19 and they live at home yet and she hears them call me mom. My sister drops in when ever she feels and god for bid if I'm not home she freaks out. But then she can disappear for 2 days and that is ok. But when she does hear the baby call me mom she will correct her and say No I'm your mom and we try to refer to me as "Nina" but the baby just doesn't understand and I feel terrible correcting her because this little girl needs a mom all the time especially because her mom is going away for at least 7 months and really will the baby remember her when she gets out of jail? I honestly feel that my sister has to face it, that if she wants us to adopt the baby she will have 2 mom's! One full-time mom and a part time mom. Am I being heartless for thinking this way? For the first 14 months that I had the baby, my sister and I and my whole family didn't talk at all. My family was the biggest enabler of my sister's drug use because they were in denial. My sister really put my immediate family thru hell and there were days I honestly didn't think we could go on. The sad part about this whole thing is the baby was born exposed to drugs and addicted mildly and also exposed to Hep C and is now Hep C positive and will have to go through a whole year of treatments which I will have to be the one to take care of her. And I wouldn't want it any other way but yet my family doesn't think I should allow her to call me "MOM"! Seriously what are your thoughts and what would you do? I also need to make some kind of visitation schedule because I feel like I am raising 2 children when she is here visiting the baby :(. But as soon as I say something she gets angry and starts all kind of drama with the family and I honestly don't think the drama is fair to the baby and I don't want her to sense anything is wrong. Sorry for this post being so long
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I just want to thank everyone for their advice :) I definately will talk to my lawyer about what is going on because the last thing I want to do is cuz more issues down the road for this child. My sister knows that she can't see the baby unsupervised if she isn't drug free so that is very clear!! I didn't promise any of her request except the name change and if anything I can add my last name to her existing one. It is sad that I have to sometimes play dirty like her but honestly she gives me no other choice. When we sit down with the open adoption agreement, I will give as little as possiable, but I will let her know if she is on the right path and stays clean we can expand on the visits but for right now I'm only agreeing to as little as possiable. And as far as the baby calling me mom, I'm going to let her call me that because honestly when my sister gets out of jail what is she going to say? No, well guess what, it is a little to late for that. But honestly thank you everyone for your advice.
When you adopt, it is exactly as if the child was born to you. YOU are the mother, not the birthmom. As a result, YOU give your child your surname and decide if you wish to keep her first name. YOU decide what religion she will be raised in, what schools she will attend, what rules she will have to obey, and whether to have certain vaccinations. In exchange, YOU are responsible for financial support, maintaining a safe and welcoming home, providing appropriate structure and discipline, and so on.
Because this is a kinship adoption, it is reasonable to try to create a positive, open relationship with the birthmother. But a positive, open relationship does NOT, in any way, require you to give up any of your parental rights. You do NOT have to give the child any form of her birthmother's surname. You have the CHOICE of whether to keep the first name. YOU can insist on being called Mom, Mommy, Mama, or whatever, but it is appropriate to come up with a nice name for your child to call the birthmother and for you to use when you explain who she is to a stranger. As an example, you might have your child call her Auntie Beth, and say that she is your child's "firstmother", if you don't like the term "birthmother".
Visitation is often a problem in kinship adoption. It is appopriate for you and the birthmother to sit down with a social worker and thrash out an acceptable arrangement, such as "no unannounced visits", "no attempts to pick up the child from daycare or school", one unsupervised daytime visit per month IF she is sober and does not take your child out of her home or yours, one brief phone call every week, normal interactions at holiday and birthday celebrations, invitations to attend events like preschool graduation, IF she is sober, and so on. It is important to let her know that you will welcome her as a dear relative if and when she is sober, but that you will NEVER expose your child to her if she is under the influence or in the company of people who are under the influence.
The social worker needs to let her know that she is no longer the child's mother; you are. She needs to let her know that, if she breaks the agreement, harrassing you with phone calls, demanding that your child call her Mommy, dropping over without being invited, trying to see your child while under the influence or while in the company of people who are under the influence, etc., she will lose the right to contact.
If your relative lives by her agreement, you can increase visits and phone calls. And you should always treat her with respect and let her maintain her dignity, unless she does things that break her agreement. Never let yourself get sucked into any games that she plays, such as trying to put your relatives "on her side against you". You are too mature for that.
Sharon