Just starting and so overwhelmed! Please Help!

I totally understand how you feel! My husband and I started researching and seriously pursuing adoption in fall of '11 and BOY was it overwhelming! Many times while I was researching online, I just had to get up and leave my computer because my mind was so overwhelmed with information. =( I will share with you some of the things I've learned in my last year of research, and I hope you find it helpful! Also, just as a disclaimer, I'm not a professional or anything, this is just stuff I've learned from tons of research! Once you have made the decision to adopt, there are two main choices you need to make after that. 1) Do we want to adopt Internationally (outside the US)? 2) Do we want to adopt Domestically (within the US)? These are the two major categories of adoption. Each one has it's pros and cons, and will lead you down a slightly different path. And the choice between International and Domestic adoption is purely a personal one!

International Adoption

Cons of International Adoption: Generally it's more expensive (usually around $25-$40,000), a little more complicated (working with foreign governments), and from my research it looks like it's very hard if not impossible to adopt a newborn. As well, with most International adoption they require you to make 2 trips to whichever country you are adopting from before you can take your child home. Pros of International Adoption: It's an amazing opportunity to help babies who have no hope for a better future apart from being adopted! There are a LOT of babies from other countries who need families, which is why so many people adopt Internationally. As well, when you adopt from another country, you generally end up not keeping in contact with the birth family (you may not even know who they are), which some people prefer. Each country has it's different requirements on what you need before you can adopt one of their babies. What I did was just researched each country individually (google search: "adopting from Russia", "adopting from China", etc) and usually within the first few results are comprehensive lists of what that country requires.

Domestic Adoption

My husband and I chose to pursue Domestic Adoption, so I'm admittedly more familiar with this choice than the first! If you choose Domestic Adoption, there are a few other decisions you have to make. The first choice to make is this: do we want a "closed" or "open" adoption? A "closed" adoption means that you don't have any way of keeping in contact with the birth family after your child is adopted to you. Identities are held secret, and in some cases you may never even meet the birth parents. An "open" adoption means that you know the identity of your baby's birth mom, and that they know yours. Usually you meet the birth mom before the baby is born and get to know them personally. When a baby is born into an open adoption, sometimes the adoptive family gets together often with the birth family (inviting them to birthday parties, etc.) and other times both parties prefer to only visit once in awhile, or perhaps to just keep in contact through letters and pictures. Most agencies and people nowadays prefer open adoption as it appears to be healthier emotionally for both the baby and the birth mom. There are many reasons for this, but I suggest you can read books and articles on it. =) Here are the other decisions you need to make if you choose Domestic adoption: 1) Do I want to work with an Adoption Agency? 2) Do I want to pursue Independent Adoption? 3) Do I want to pursue Foster-to-Adopt?

Agency Adoption

This is probably what most people are familiar with. Choosing to work with an agency has many pros. You have a guide to walk step-by-step with you through the process, they have experience so you will feel at ease, and you can always go to them with any of your questions. Agency Adoption also has cons. One of the big cons is the financial aspect (it usually costs between $20-$30,000). Another is the waiting lists. Generally you will have to wait at least a year if not two before you are "matched" with a birth mom (although some agencies don't have waiting lists anymore). And some people would consider it a con that you have to work "within their system", giving you less control over your adoption process.

Independent Adoption

This is what my husband and I chose to do, and we are so happy we made this choice! But everyone is different, so don't do it just because we did. =) An Independent Adoption is just what it sounds like - independent! You are not working with an Agency, instead you are your own guide. Most people end up hiring a lawyer or adoption facilitator as their "guide". The pros to an Independent Adoption are many, as well. One of the biggest pros is cost (usually it ends up being between $6-$15,000). Another pro is that you can advertise yourself which usually makes for a shorter waiting period on baby (if you are serious and put time into the advertising). And many people would consider it a pro that you are in control of your own adoption process. The cons to Independent Adoption are that you may feel uncomfortable without having an agency handeling your adoption. It's more uncertain than other forms of adoption since you are advertising yourself. Many people are scared of "adoption scams" when they are doing everything on their own.

Foster-to-Adopt

This is by far the cheapest way to go about adopting. In fact, usually your state will pay you to foster a child. Besides cost, there are other pros to Foster-Adopt. One is that you are helping a baby or child who very much needs a family. Kids are placed in foster care because of abuse or neglect, so they are in great need of loving families. Another pro is that, for the most part, you don't have to wait as long for a child. Since there's a great need for foster families, you will most likely have a child quickly. There are also cons to Foster-Adopt. A big one (probably why a lot of people don't pursue this option) is the uncertainty of being able to adopt a child you've already fallen in love with. Sometimes you can have a child in your home for weeks or months and then have them given back to their parents. Another con is that sometimes the child has behavioral problems due to the lack of care they received in their original family. Well... that's a start, anyways! I hope this info helps you guys on your adoption journey. =) If you have any questions about anything above, just google it! I've spent hours and hours researching. Google is a good friend, hehe. Also, every state within the US has their own adoption laws (a couple states don't even allow Independent adoption!), so I suggest that you look that up, as well. Keep your chin up - it's seems like a long process, but everyone tells me that it's worth all the pain you go through once you hold your baby for the first time. I know I'm excited to experience that. =)

That is a fabulous run-down! I found her price rangeof independent adoption to be true, though Im projecting a little because i have not received all medical bills yet. (My response is informative/encouraging about the private/independent route, so need to read further if not of interest.) Im going to chime in because you mention cost as an issue? If you decide foster-adopt, I think you can also pursue networking for private adoption while helping children in need of a temporary home and maybe one of those children will need a permanent home. I have long considered foster care, and was actually registered to start classes when an independent adoption happened for me. I am single and did not actively pursue adoption through an agency. However, I was proactive in letting my friends know of my desire to be a mother through adoption, and this is how me and an emom came into contact. I rocked my baby girl to sleep tonight and independent adoption worked for us (me and bmom). We basically communicate through text and pictures, but I am open to what she wants in the coming years (please PM if interested/nervous about open adoption); I also like that my daughter has access to her history, medical and otherwise if desired or needed. You need to see what is legal in your state as far as "advertising" and how you meet. There are restrictions. As a family working in the Church, you may be able to network with pastors or churches who serve youth, young adults and adults that may consider adoption due to various life circumstances, convictions, or unplanned pregnancy.

WOW!!! Thanks so much for all the information!! My husband and I sat down the other night to talk through all of this. Right now we are in different camps as to which type of adoption would be best for us. (He is leaning toward international - he is a little afraid of the open scenario). I prefer domestic because I want a newborn. I'm intrigued by the idea of independent adoption. How do you go about advertising and finding your child?

Open adoption does not have to be scary, and in fact both sides...emom and pap, have nerves about it. There is a HUGE range, and it can be worked out between you. OA doesn't necessarily mean visits and holidays and tons of contact. OA in a voluntary relinquishment often ends up great for the child to have at least semi open in terms of being able to answer the child's questions, medical info and genetic history which help with identity. I already gave my suggestions on how to get started so maybe others will chime in...you will get more responses about pros and cons of OA and how to get started with independent adoption on the general adoptive parent board.

There are not a lot of international options these days and the costs can be very prohibitive and wait times very long. One thing that was mentioned and you need to be cautious about is the use of facilitators...it is not legal in GA to use a facilitator for an adoption. You can use an adoption consultant who will help you with paperwork, your profile, etc. Consultants work with lots of agencies/attorneys and therefore you have exposure to more potential situations. I am aware of at least one agency in Macon GA that uses a sliding scale fee. They actually have very low fees if you are open to adopting a child of any race. If you are hoping to adopt a healthy, caucasian newborn you are likely going to have a longer wait and spend a lot of money, unless you find a situation yourself (which is possible, but not necessarily easy or quick) Having 2 children isn't necessarily going to stop you...many expectant moms want their children placed in families where they will have siblings. I have been involved with adoption for a long time. I have adopted both internationally and domestically. If you choose domestic there are some things I have noticed that really make a difference in the amount of time you will wait for a match: 1. Being open to any gender. 2. Being open to any race. 3. Being open to some substance abuse (this is common and you need to at least consider the possibility and let your agency know you would consider things on a case by case basis) 4. Being open to having an Open or Semi-Open adoption. I do not believe there are hardly any 'closed' adoptions any longer. 5. Budget. I hate to say it, but the more money you have to spend the more situations you can consider and that may speed up your match. Best of luck to you!!!

My husband was also not too into the "open adoption" idea at first. I think it's pretty normal for people to have a lot of fears about open adoption in the beginning. Now that we've met people, heard stories, and researched it more, we feel comfortable (and excited!) about open adoption. If you are truly interested in adopting a newborn (as I was), I'd encourage you to read more about open adoption and share it with your hubby! There's lots of blogs and stories online. That (and having 2 close friends who've adopted through open adoption) really changed my and my husband's view on it. You asked about independent adoption and how we go about advertising for a child. =) I researched a bunch (and followed in the footsteps of my friends who went before me) and found a lot of fun and interesting ideas to advertise yourself for adoption. We are in the process of doing a lot of these right now! Here are some ideas: - Build your own website. This is important so that the people you're advertising to have a place to learn more about you. You can either pay someone to build one, ask a friend to do it, or make your own (there's a lot of websites where they make it simple to make your own). - Make a slideshow of pictures and upload it on Youtube. Then you can put in on your website and share it with people. So many people loved our slideshow - I think it will make a big difference for a birth mom who's searching our site! - Put it on your Facebook and/or Twitter status that you are looking to adopt and a link to your website. Ask your family and close friends to "share" your status so that all of their friends see it too. We just did this and got a lot of people's attention! People we didn't even ask "shared" our status, which was awesome of them. - Facebook advertising. These are the little ads that come up on your sidebar when you're on FB. It's easy to do, although you'd have to research how because I personally don't know, haha. My husband is the smart one here. ;) We are doing "pay-per-click" which means we pay a certain amount (we chose $1.20) each time a person clicks on our ad. Facebook advertising is cool because you can choose the demographic for your ads. So for us, we chose to show our ad only to women between 17-26 who are not in a relationship. - Make business cards and posters. Give them to friends, hang them in local stores and businesses, hang them at local colleges, etc. Get creative. Obviously, ask before you go about hanging things everywhere, but get the word out as much as possible! - Tape a sign on the inside of your car window (and your families cars if they are willing) that you are looking to adopt and give the link to your website. That way tons of people see it as you drive around. My husband and I aren't going to do this (we're trying to be really careful about giving away too much personal identifying information about ourselves, so we felt weird that they'd know our license plate number if we did this), BUT one of my friends did this and got a few birth mom leads from it. - Write letters to OBGYNs and/or Midwives in your area. Tell them a short version of why you are looking to adopt and link them to your website. I've read that a few people found a birth mom through doing this. - In your personal email, make a "signature" with a short blurb saying that you want to adopt and a link to your website. Whoever you email will know that you're looking to adopt. - Make an online profile with one of many adoptive parent advertising sites. - Craigslist. Yes, may seem kinda sketchy, but my friends got a couple leads from it. As long as you don't put personal info, I don't see why not! - Write letters to local women's shelters, pregnancy shelters, etc. I'm sure there's many more ideas out there. These are the main ones that I've seen in my research that tend to get results. We will be trying most of them in the next couple months. It's a really weird feeling to advertise yourself! I kinda struggled with it at first... I didn't want to seem fake (in our website), I didn't want to be "annoying" by handing out all these business cards and stuff, it just felt weird advertising for a baby. Usually people advertise for a product! But, really, people have been so kind and encouraging to us! I feel like all our friends became our cheerleaders. =) Everyone is so excited for us, and no one, not even strangers, have looked down on our efforts. Hope that helped to answer your question! I didn't even know I could write so much about adoption, haha. Let me know if you have any more. I think it's therapeutic for me to think through things in writing about it!!

THANK YOU! I actually printed this. I did search..read..A LOT about adoption in the internet but coming from someone who went thru the same thing, i find it comforting.

Thank you so much for you thoughts. My husband and I have a lot of talking, researching, and praying to do. Rebecca, thanks for the ideas on independent adoption. I guess I never realized it was possible. Your website is WONDERFUL! I certainly need to learn more about open adoption so that I can continue to work on my husband about this. I know that it will have its challenges- but so does every aspect of parenting. I know it is something we can do. (I just have to convince him.)

Please remember that links to fee based services as well as personal profiles are not allowed on the forums but must be PMed. Thanks!

I just recently read an amazing book that helped clarify the process for me. Successful Adoption: A guide for Christian families. I am also reading Secrets to your Successful Domestic Adoption by Pedley that has been super helpful.

Our family went through catholic social services, even though we are not catholic. It was for foster/adopt, much cheaper than anything Ive seen. No fees at all. We had to get furnace inspected, finger printing was 0, had to get local police clearance $20 per adult, dog had to be up to date in shots. Can't think of any other expenses.. We had to pay for birthcertificate and court fee. About $250.oo all together for that.