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We are currently hosting a little girl from Ukraine. She's almost 8 years old. Somehow we ended up with the only unstable kid in the group. She has a lot of behavior issues--very hyper, wanders around anxiously and won't sit to do any activities, breaks things (mostly) on accident, takes off running and won't stop, and she has no boundaries. She will walk in other people's front doors, get in a stranger's car, etc. She's very smart and on the ball, you can't get anything past her. I think she is also a little manipulative. She acts more like a 3 or 4 year old.We had been considering adopting until we realized how tough daily life with her actually is. She's only been here 7 days but it seems like eternity. She literally never stops getting into things or needing something until she passes out asleep. We have two biological daughters ages 2 and 6 but she doesn't relate to them or play with them at all. We found out that she was neglected and brought to the orphanage at age 4. The orphanage director thinks she has emotional issues due to abuse as a toddler. In her file her special needs are listed as unclassified. She is in public kindergarten in Ukraine but she is failing and they are considering sending her to the horrible mental institution this fall instead of moving her to first grade. She isn't failing because of a low IQ. It's only because she won't sit down and do the work. On the trip here from Ukraine she was apparently very badly behaved. She wouldn't stop running up and down the isle. On our drive from the airport to our house (7.5 hours) she wouldn't stay buckled and kept crawling all over the van and getting in our faces. It was so stressful.She also has trouble with eating. She's seven years old and wears size 10 clothes. She's got a pretty big belly going on. She is literally never full. She will eat ridiculous amounts of food. One day for lunch she ate 7 bananas, 6 hardboiled eggs, 2 glasses of milk, and a big bowl of rice. She was still hungry. For breakfast today she ate 11 whole wheat pancakes, 2 bananas, and then I cut her off so she went in her room and got out a bag of tortilla chips she'd stolen and hidden. One night she stole the box of Capri Suns and drank every single pouch. I do not know how she can squeeze in so much food and not be sick. The only thing she won't eat: vegetables!Now after all that background info, I need some thoughts from other experienced parents. We are trying to decide what to do...should we give up the hope of adopting her? We're afraid she will take so much work that our other two daughters will be neglected. Will she be ok with time and therapy? (Magic question no one knows the answer to, right?) She is very loving and over affectionate to us but we've only known her for a week. She also loves my neighbor and all of our family members she's met. I'm worried she could have RAD, but I just have no idea. She often goes off by herself and shuts the bedroom door. We find her just sitting there. She's VERY obstinate and contrary most of the time too. Sometimes we catch a glimpse of this sweet happy little girl shining through all the issues. I know she is in there, she just needs help. :( The language barrier isn't helping matters.It's only been a week and we have through August before she goes back to Ukraine. I'd appreciate any thoughts or advice on what to look for as far as emotional issues are concerned, or any been there done that situations. I'm worried she could have RAD or oppositional defiance disorder, or maybe she's just a sad and confused little girl?
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Sounds like a typical child who has been neglected and mostly raised in an orphanage to me. (if there is such a thing as "typical") Many of the things you describe fit a child who is a survivor.I think her hyper activity sounds like overstimulation. New country, new noises, new smells, new activities, likely exposed to all new things at once, new foods, new people....etc. etc. etc. It's enough to make anyone have a bit of culture shock but for a child in an orphanage, this is more than just overwhelming! Add the language barrier, and you have a very scared child not able to understand what is going on at all.For the 7.5 hour car ride, perhaps one of you needed to sit with her in the back. It might be she had never been in a car before or not in one for long or with seat belts. Without the language comprehension, it's hard to say.I don't know how much research you've done into this, but most older children do need a lot of time, energy and commitment to help them heal. And no, not every child will heal. It's one of those risks that many parents take when they adopt. Only you can really answer the question of how to proceed but I urge you to read everything you can on older child adoption because it sounds like you are a bit surprised by some of the things she is doing. If that's the case, then it doesn't sound like the host agency prepared you very well for things. I'm sorry it's been so frustrating for you and think the agency needed to do a much better job with their support & education. Hopefully some others will chime in. It was late when you posted so they might not have seen it yet.
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Remember she is in a strange place and she doesn't speak the language, so she doesn't understand what you are telling her. All the host programs I know of usually have a translator available for these kinds of problems. Have you talked to that person? How are the children with the other families in the group doing? It's unusual for them to send a child with issues, usually only the best behaved children are sent for hosting, so she is probably able to behave she just doesn't understand.
My guess is that she has been food deprived- hence the stealing/hoarding/gorging herself on food. I adopted two boys from the US who were also food deprived ten years ago. They used to steal food from the fridge and hide it- I have found yogurt containers hidden in the couch cushions, food hidden under beds, in closets.etc. They once got in the freezer and ate an entire cheesecake that was frozen solid. They have also tried to eat frozen meat that was uncooked. After ten years they have gotten better but they still sneak food. All my spoons were disappearing and it got to the point where I had one spoon left. I was remodeling my basement bathroom and I found 17 spoons hidden behind the wall where one of my sons had been sneaking in the basement and eating frozen food out of the freezer with the spoon and then found a crack in the bathroom wall and hid the spoons behind the wall.