EXTREMELY personal "mandatory" social worker questions?

Oh - I do remember the 27 page application and all of the ridiculous questions. My favorite was: How do you express anger? My answer: What do you mean "anger"? Just stubbed my toe anger? or just got rear ended anger? or somebody cut in line at the store anger? or someone bullied my child anger? My social worker laughed and said - these questions are really just to give us a jumping off point for the interviews. Specifically regarding the question you highlighted - it is very poorly worded, but it does try to address an important issue. For example, if you answered like Kim Kardashian on Oprah, "My mom put me on birth control at 14 and I think that was appropriate and great". Well, maybe the social worker needs to talk a little more with you about that. Here would be my honest answer: "My cousin told me about sex when I was about 7. It's a funny story, feel free to ask. My parents tried very hard to be open with us about sex although they were generally embarrassed to talk about sex with us. I think they did an okay job overall. I had a few relationships in high school and college. My best friend came out to me as a lesbian at the age of 16. That experience rocked my world and I have been an active supporter of gay/lesbian rights ever since. I have been married to my husband for 18 years. I still think he's adorable and attractive. I won't mind if you check out his legs - they're fabulous." Your answer will, of course be different, but it doesn't have to be completely serious or so intensely personal that it makes you uncomfortable. You could say "It's none of your business" but consider this - If your potential emom is very young, will your values about the age at which sex is appropriate affect your feelings toward her? If your potential emom is a lesbian or questioning, would you be comfortable with that? If you potential emom was a victim of rape or incest - how would your personal history affect your feelings? If you are completely shut down about talking about sex, is there some underlying unresolved issue? I totally get that the question is invasive. On the other hand, you are asking someone to give you the most incredible gift of trust . . . I think they get to invade a little. I do wish you the best of luck on your journey.

I was totally expecting questions like "would you accept a child who was molested or conceived of rape". I understand that and have no problem answering that. There is no underlying issue here, we are both just very private people. It was "describe your sexual experiences" that threw me. I agree-VERY poorly worded, if what you mentioned was what she was REALLY trying to ask. Why can't they just ask the actual question they want to know? :hissy: I think I'm going to just state that I was raised according to the beliefs of the (our religion) church in this matter."

I know you feel the questions are intrusive, and for you they are, but the reality is that the answers to all of those questions is how they learn who you are, how you will handle adoption and the crazy roller coaster ride that it is. Not everyone has had a good experience in that paticular area, and knowing the history helps depending on what type of fostering/adotping a person may be doing. An example of how it might help is if a person had a traumatic experience as a child or teen and got matched with an expectant mother who had a similar experience that was bad. How would the possible adoptive parent handle that info? It really does help them assess your ability. Some of the questions we had were so strange, I just had to answer "I don't know", or on others I said " nothing odd or traumatic. Very boring". I learned real quick that there is no privacy in fostercare/adoption.

I think that there are also issues this question can get to that cover things like how you might talk to your child about sex and how you might explain to him or her issues surrounding her/ his birth (molestation, promiscuity, prostitution - not that all - or necessarily many emoms will have this as part of their story, but it's a possibility the social workers need to account for). I had a hard time answering a number of the questions I was asked. I am a very private person, but a lot of that had to go out the window. I also do have some religious beliefs that might cause me some conflict in discussing some topics in certain ways. I found that, while the questions were very intrusive, the social worker was very sensitive about discussing them in a way that would work for me. They don't care what your favorite sexual position is, but they do care about your general attitudes toward sex and sexuality and about your overall pattern of behavior. They care about this with all topics. As much as it can get uncomfortable, the social worker is responsible for approving you to be trusted with full responsible for a human being. I would be pretty intrusive if I had that responsibility riding on me, too.

The social worker is not asking questions that are unrelated to adoption. She is, however, going to ask about things like whether you were ever the victim of rape or sexual abuse and, if so, how you dealt with the associated emotional trauma. People who have been raped or molested often have difficulty teaching children to have healthy attitudes about sexuality. If you are a single person, you may be asked about how you plan to deal with dating and marriage issues. As an example, if you start dating someone and think that it may be more than a one or two date thing, when is it OK to introduce the person to your child? When is it OK, if ever, in your value system, to have someone sleep over at your home in your bedroom? Will you want the person to do a stepparent adoption, if you marry? What happens if a person you like doesn't want to have any children? Married people may be asked how they will deal with teaching kids about sexuality. If they do not belong to a church or synagogue, they will be asked how they plan to teach about values, with regard to sexuality and to other matters of morals and ethics. They may be asked if they are "on the same page" with many issues, including how they will handle sexual issues -- nudity in the home, dating, and so on. The goal is not to embarrass you, but to help you become a better parent. Issues about sexuality, like issues about religion and other topics, really need to be thought out in advance, so that both spouses are in sync, and so that parents are prepared when their child comes home and says that Betty is not a virgin, or asks what oral sex is, or is advised to have the HPV vaccine. Ruth74 also makes a good point -- that some of our children by adoption come into the world as victims of rape or incest, or have parents who were unmarried when they conceived a child, etc. There will come a time when our children will want to know about their birthparents, and we'd best be ready to talk with them sensitively about these topics. I remember a college roommate who was utterly traumatized when a grandparent told her, "Your mother was a wh*re, and you are going to become one, too." This sort of talk made her very afraid of men and sex, and it took a lot of counseling before she was able to form the loving and long lasting relationship that she and her husband now have. Sharon

Because so many of the children in care have experienced sexual abuse and the time to discover a foster parent has unresolved issues is not when a child is in the home. People *think* they've resolved stuff, then when a child is placed too often the placement crashes. Its not that they are trying to say, "HAH, look here, this person had this to happen...." but more that this is a way to *help* people explore their own issues. One of my family members experienced sexual abuse--this is a stable, healthy adult. But when I had a placement that had experienced sexual abuse, suddenly all those emotions and memories crashed to the surface. And this person wasn't parenting. By asking the question, the social worker are trying to find areas where they can be alert and be ready to provide extra support....as well as not place a child that might be stressed by the foster parent's own unresolved issues.....or place a child with foster parent that has been through the same experiences and can help that child process. And quite frankly, if someone's faith prevents them from discussing sex and sexuality, that person may not be the best parent for a child that needs support and open honest discussion of those issues. In care, its about the child not the potential foster parent.

They need to know everything about you, they're placing a child in your home.

"People who have been raped or molested often have difficulty teaching children to have healthy attitudes about sexuality. "Please post links to some scientific studies which establish this, certainly you would not indict victims of violent crime as being less capable than other parents without evidence?

I agree, some of the questions feel so icky and inappropriately invasive at first! Certain sexual behaviors, abuse and sexual victimization produce future risk for certain parental behaviors. That's what they want to know. There are types of things that they are RIGHTLY trying to find out about. The foster licensing assessor supervisor knows what combination of answers to look for. They know what types of past childhood traumas and abuses are risks factors for a person to potentially become an abuser of children in the future. Don't take it personally.

Try:All the girls liked the same boy in 3rd grade but he held MY hand on the playground. I was taught no sex until marriage.

Our SW asked us all kinds of questions about our sex life--how often we do it, if we're into kinky stuff, do we watch or own porn, age when we lost virginity. After it was all said and done and we were licensed, she told me some of those questions are used to figure out if potential foster/adoptive parents are pedophiles. If you act too secretive about your answers, you could be denied. Just a thought.

We got that question on the paperwork, we haven't done the home study process yet, but we both answered it as we have a healthy and active life. We answered the virginity question too. We also were asked on the paperwork something like what attitude do you have about sex and how would you discuss that with your children (or something to that effect). We basically responded with how we talked to our daughter, started the conversation about what is healthy touch and what isn't healthy touch. Also about how we use the anatomically correct names when talking about problems/the parts/etc.