Advertisements
Advertisements
Hello. I have a lot of questions, but will try to make this brief.
My husband's sister has had drug problems for many years. She has abused and severely neglected her son while on drugs. Her son was removed by the state when he was about 18 months old, that was in Dec of 2010. He was placed with a paternal grandparent. Over the summer first mom did TPR and first dad's rights were terminated in court.
The paternal grandmother knew early on that she would not be adopting. As such we became licensed via an ICPC. We also started having the child come visit us in our home, staying at times for up to 4 days. He was officially place with us at the end of July 2012.
While in foster care in her state first mom had an hour long supervised visitation with the child. She has not seen him since he has been placed with us, we live in another state, but has said she would like to see him every week as she was before. Her mom is willing to drive her to our location for these visits.
In the time he has been placed with us the child has asked about his paternal grandmother, but has not asked about his mom.
SW who know only us and the case file have strongly suggested not giving the first mom visitation, at least not while she is still clearly a drug addict.
SW who knows us and first mom has not offered a suggestion as to what we should do but has stated repeatedly that we don't have to agree to visitation.
Prior to taking in the child our family has had a very limited relationship with the first mom. My husband and I have felt concern over her spending time with our bio children and as such have not really reached out to her. We have seen her only at family holiday type events.
I thought my husband and I were on the same page with all of this and planned to maintain the relationship with his sister (first mom) that we've always had. But she called him yesterday and said she wanted to see the child and now my husband thinks we ought to let her.
Frankly, that wasn't what I signed up for. I'm not sure I can commit to the adoption if it means I will have to take on a major relationship with his sister too. There are good reasons why we haven't had a lot of contact with her up to this point and those reasons have not just evaporated just because we have a son in common.
How do I:
Protect my all my children, including the one I'm adopting?
Allow the first mom to still be part of her child's life?
Know what's best for the child in this case?
I'm all for visitation with first mom if any of the following were to take place:
A) She stops using,
B) The child starts asking to see her,
C) It's clear that more contact would be in the best interest of the child,
but how will I know?
Am I just being totally unreasonable? Because right now I feel like a big fat jerk. Logically I know I didn't take her kid away, but emotionally it feels that way when I talk to her mom or my husband. I agreed to take the child because I know him and I love him and I sincerely wish a good life for him. It never really occurred to me to think about what was best for his first mom. I don't hate his first mom, but her lifestyle choices give me enough pause that I'm not sure I can commit to having her be a major part of my life. How did I not see this coming? :confused:
Like
Share
Relative adoptions are difficult because you will always have family members opinions to deal with, and believe me EVERYONE will have an opinion.
I think you need to sit down with your husband and get on the same page about a few things.
1. If you adopt this little one he will be your son, not your nephew. Is your husband ready to make that transition? Will he be able to set strong boundaries and stand strong when his sister and mother try to cross them?
2. Since you are family this is going to be an open adoption, but how open are you willing to be? Will biomom be allowed in your home? Would you be willing to provide update letters, photos, phone calls, scheduled visits? Once you decide on that you have to be prepared for the backlash that will probably happen because as I said before, in family adoptions everyone has an opinion.
3. And this is the really important one in my opinion...is your husband willing to stand up to his sister and mother when they cross the boundaries the two of you decide on or are you going to spend the next 15 years being the bad guy?
Like
Share
Advertisements
As someone who was adopted by family, myself, I can only tell you what I know from my own experience.
My birth mom was wonderful and consistent after I was adopted by my grandparents in another state. She called weekly, she sent letters, she made trips out for graduations, etc. My father on the other hand, was very erratic, and prone to making promises that he was never able to keep. It was heartbreaking for my adoptive parents to see my sister's and my disappointment about being forgotten by him. He did have a minor drug problem, but mostly a major deadbeat problem.
My adoptive parents did their best, and at times did keep us from seeing our birth father. As a child, and a teen, I HATED them for it. Now that I am an adult, I completely understand why my adoptive parents limited my interactions with him, and I am grateful for it. But, in the moment? and as teenagers? My sister and I absolutely punished them for the choice they made.
Every situation is going to be different, though. With a birthmom who still indicates that she is using drugs, your instinct to protect the little one is probably correct. The SW is probably limited by the sorts of things that are "appropriate" for her to say, and that fact that she has "stated repeatedly that we don't have to agree to visitation" would be something I'd consider a sign to slow the roll on a visit right now.
But the question of contact/visitation is not an on-off switch; there are many degrees of contact that can be arranged now or in the future. Maybe your husband could take your nephew-soon-to-be-son for a short supervised visit at predetermined times? Maybe she can send letters for a little bit if you are all open to that?
In my experience it was the consistency of the interactions with my mother that was the most important part. She was consistent. I could count on hearing from her Sunday nights before dinner, on every major holiday, and my birthday. Whatever you level you all decide works best for your family, my advice would be to aim for consistency whenever possible. If that means a supervised visit every six months, or a phone call once a month. The thing that was most hurtful about bdad was his lack of consistency and follow-through.
There is always the possibility that your SIL will get clean eventually, and be a more positive influence your son's life. As your son gets older, be honest about his birthmom's limitations. The grace and compassion with which you handle this complicated situation will be one of the greatest lessons you teach your kids.
And for your final question, "how could I not have seen this coming" don't be too hard on yourself! You couldn't have seen this coming because you've been in triage for the past few months. You are entering complicated territory and you're doing your best. There aren't rulebooks for this kind of stuff. The scariest part is that we all have to figure out for ourselves what works for our families.
Like
Share
mac5
she would like to see him every week as she was before. Her mom is willing to drive her to our location for these visits.
If i understand correctly, both parents have completed TPR. Is the time to withdraw consent past? Did either parent sign any legal documents of their wish to have an open adoption plan? By the sounds of it, the mother has lost all rights with no legal contact/visitation in place. However, given that she is a relative, she (and her mom) probably assumed that she would still get visits. She may be relieved that her child will remain in the family and presume that she will benefit with regular visits. She may feel that since you have her child, there is common ground between you and more frequent visits would be appropriate in her eyes.
mac5
I'm all for visitation with first mom if any of the following were to take place:
A) She stops using,
B) The child starts asking to see her,
C) It's clear that more contact would be in the best interest of the child,
but how will I know?:
I think it is very reasonable to insist that first mom stop using drugs in order to visit. But how are you going to monitor that? There are over the counter drug screen kits at very little cost at your local drug store. Just a thought there..... fail the test, no visit that week/month. BUT you could encounter lots of drama in your home around the children if first mom were to fail the test and refuse to leave...not sure that would work unless you had a way of giving her the test without the children present. If she passes, you make a phone call and the kids come over. She refuses the test, no visit.
I would sit down with DH and make up a plan of what is unacceptable behavior by first mom and what schedule you are comfortable with should she comply. She should be held accountable for actions.
Meanwhile, send her updates by email, fb, or a blog and set a schedule for that too.
At least the opinionated relatives and your DH will see that you are being reasonable and BM is held accountable.
Like
Share
mac5
How do I:
Protect my all my children, including the one I'm adopting?
Allow the first mom to still be part of her child's life?
Know what's best for the child in this case?
I'm all for visitation with first mom if any of the following were to take place:
A) She stops using,
B) The child starts asking to see her,
C) It's clear that more contact would be in the best interest of the child,
but how will I know?
You have to do what you feel is safe for the child. Once you adopt you are this child's Mom and they are looking to you to protect them. If you feel visits are detrimental then do not allow them. Be observant...and make sure everything you want is clear to biomom, including she has to be clean at all visits, etc...
You are not unreasonable with your requests. The way I got past it was looked at our daughter (who is my niece) and thought about what I need to do to keep her safe, what she would want from me, and what is the best for her at the time in her life. Things change and with that you can change but you should have PRECISE clear boundaries communicated and followed. The list you have it good but I would not leave it up to a child to make the decision to see biomom until they are much older. You should be making that decision for them. I'm not aware of the childs age but unless they are a teenager I wouldn't wait for them to ask to see biomom. As they grow older they will ask questions and you answer truthfully.
Am I just being totally unreasonable? Because right now I feel like a big fat jerk. Logically I know I didn't take her kid away, but emotionally it feels that way when I talk to her mom or my husband. I agreed to take the child because I know him and I love him and I sincerely wish a good life for him. It never really occurred to me to think about what was best for his first mom. I don't hate his first mom, but her lifestyle choices give me enough pause that I'm not sure I can commit to having her be a major part of my life. How did I not see this coming? :confused:
No you are not a big fat jerk. You are a concerned Mom needing help and someone to talk to. We have all been there. It is not easy!
I found the best way for me to handle the relative part was to think of our daughter as our daughter and not our niece. I look at her and always want what is best for her. I answer her questions truthfully and don't bother her with the "adult" situations. I let her be a child and be our child. I think the best thing I did was disassociated myself as a relative and thought of myself as her "Mom." That was what helped me out alot.
Our daughters biomom is on FB..our daughter just got a FB account and biomom found out about it. She of course asked to be our daughter friend. My daughter came to me and asked how to delete her and block her and said she wanted nothing to do with her right now. She's 13 and very smart. In our situation our daughter has a sister and brother (both taken and adopted by grandparents across country) whom also want nothing to do with their biomom either. As my daughters age I let her lead me alittle more. When she was 7 and we adopted her I did the leading. Now I take her ques more...if that makes any sense whatsever! LOL
Hang in there...It is a tough road but so worth it!!!
Like
Share