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My husband and I recently adopted my half sister's baby. It happened very suddenly after he was taken into protective custody for his safety. We have not experienced the blessing of having our own biological children yet, this is our first child. He was 5 weeks old when we got him. My sister decided to let us adopt him rather than having him go into the foster care system. It was very sudden, and so we did not have time to decide how we would handle his name, beforehand. We didn't have any major issues with the name, and everything was happening so fast, we just stuck with what she picked. We also are first obtaining guardianship, and then working on the adoption, as this was the easiest route in our specific situation. Since we couldn't legally change his name for at least one year, and wanted to sort of "give back" to my sister, because although she made so many poor choices trying to parent him (hence child protective services stepping in) she was still giving us a great gift by allowing us to adopt her child and become parents.
Initially she was viewing it as adoption, and thinking very long term. So it felt right. We had a baby shower with signs for "Baby D****", cards were addressed to him, his shower announcement has the name, a few things that would be sentimental to hold onto. However, now my sister has gone back to thinking she's going to try and get him back/get visitation, etc. She was raised in foster care and treatments centers for her whole life and has very severe emotional and behavioral handicaps, and with CPS stepping in and removing him from his care, there is literally no risk of Baby D being removed from us. Also, she lives out of state, and we were raised apart. So we don't run into her. So the point is, that although she isn't a "threat" (not sure of a better term here) her attitude in still viewing him so much as her child really gets to me. Especially where he is our first child.
Basically, my husband and I have really tried to embrace the name. But, even though we don't "dislike" it, after 6 weeks with our son, we feel very disconnected from it since we didn't choose it. I'm rethinking our decision and contemplating selecting something else. As soon as the guardianship goes through, which is in a few short weeks, we will have the opportunity to participate in a religious service common in our church, where the child is given a name and a blessing. I really feel like I need to be whole hartedly set on keeping this given name if before doing the church service.
Has anyone had an experience like this or have any advice? On one hand I worry that I'm making to big of a deal out of it, but then on the other, it would be so much easier to select a name for him ourselves, now, rather than regret, for a long long time, not having changed it. Doing so would also cause tension between myself and my sister, but our relationship really is not very close or very good anyway. And maybe it would help set a firmer boundary with her. Many people have asked us if we are planning to change it, which to me shows that it wouldn't be completely out there to do so. Also, important to mention is that the name has a more negative association because of a movie from several decades ago. I'm 25, so most people my age don't necessarily draw the connection, but many others do, and that does sort of bug me.
I'm rambling now. Any feedback out there would be wonderful. Thank you!
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First, welcome to the forums. You will find a wealth of information, not to mention support here.
As far as names go, why not keep his birth name, but add a new first name that you and your dh choose. A name that has meaning for you.
Say his birth name was Raymond Anthony Jackson. Your last name is Bergstrom. (Please note that I am just typing random names, not related to any real person I know). You could change his name to something like Patrick Raymond Anthony Bergstrom. This way you are keeping the name his birthmom gave him, yet giving him a name that has meaning for you.
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I'm big on names because for me, it's giving my child something that connects them in another way to our family. Change his first name and keep a least one of his old names legally on his birth certificate. When we adopted our now 5 yr old(she was2), we changed her first and middle name and kept her original first name as the third name. Convoluted, but it's all there.
Everyone feels differently about this and, honestly, each case is different for us. Our oldest kept his name because we adopted at 3 and a half. Our middle son had a nickname from birth that we made his legal name at adoption, a shortened version of his given name. Our daughter has a comepletely new name. If we are blessed enough to adopt her baby sister, she will keep her beautiful name with a new spelling and get a new middle name. Just depends.
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