Birth Grandma looking for others who can share support

Since my daughter and her husband are mobile with the military she chose a family in the state I live in so that I could be a regular part of his life. She knew it would be hard for her to see him on a consistent basis. We met the adoptive parents ahead of time. My daughter lives across the country from both me and the baby. The adoptive parents told us we would be regular grandparents and an active part of his life. They had plans to stop by when they pass through our town, and said we were welcome to come and visit the baby whenever we could (they live about 5 hours away). We weren't going to be able to see him super often because of the distance, and we told them this (perhaps once or twice a year), but the door seemed open for when and if we could get there. They told me we were going to become family. So for them to pull the plug was a real shock. My daughter, the biological mom, is receiving pictures. The problem is that with me being so far away from her it's very difficult for us to see them. We are a family of heartbroken people. My 15-year old was told she would get to be an aunt, now that is gone. I would have NEVER allowed her to meet them, had I known what their intentions were. As a matter of fact, the entire thing would have gone differently had I known how this was going to go down. I think my daughter, who gave the baby up, would have chosen differently if she'd of known, too.

Cassie,I am so sorry you are hurting. Adoption really is the gift of grief that keeps on giving for families of origin. I wish I could guarantee you that it gets better over time; for some, I'm sure it does, but for others the gaping hole left in their family tree haunts them. The adoption industry doesn't advertise that part of it.They don't do a very good job of educating those on the supply side of the equation that TPR is final. Legally the familial relationship between original family members is severed, forever. I don't think the industry does a good job of educating families of origin that open adoption, in many states, is legally unenforceable and can be closed for any reason, without explanation, by the adoptive parents.I would counsel you to try to find a support group in your area or online. Focus on the daughter you have at home and anything you enjoy doing together. Some days it will be easier than others.(((hugs)))

Hi Paige, and thank you. You know, it really does help to hear people say "It's going to keep on hurting". To hear that time will heal just makes me hurt all the worse, because I know it won't ever really go away. I understood it was final from the beginning and that we would have no legal rights to the baby. I said to the adoptive parents the very first time we talked, long before the baby was born "We are at your mercy". That's when they assured me that we would become family. Obviously, that wasn't their true intent. I have tried to find a support group online, to no avail. I can guarantee that in our town there won't be one- too small. It seems there are very few resources available to the grieving biological families. It has become quite apparent that the adoption agency works for the adoptive parents. They are the ones with the money, so from a business standpoint that makes sense. Just seems this isn't the best thing for the baby. As the adoptive mother said to me "The children who know their biological families have a better sense of self". I agree with that. So for them to change their minds has left us not only hurt but very, very confused.

I am so very sad that your adoption experience has been so painful. I am also a birth grandma, but I have had a somewhat more positive experience with the adoptive family. Our adoptive family has been very open and kept all their promises to us. That being said, I want you to know that it's still very painful for me, too. I miss my granddaughter so terribly, and I feel the same hole both in my heart and in our family, as you do. We visit her about twice a year, they live in a far-away state, but it isn't enough for me. I dream about her, and I ache for her. In my heart, I really believe that my daughter did the right thing for the baby, and for herself, but it still isn't always easy.

Thank you for the reply. It helps so much to hear from other birth-grandparents, regardless of their experience. I dream about my little grandson, too. I wake up with my heart in my throat. I rarely sleep through the night without something to help me because of it. Since posting the original post I have sought out counseling and been put on anti-depressants. I'm not thrilled about that (I'm very much into health and fitness and don't like ingesting meds if at all possible), but it seems to be helping me cope for the time being. The hardest thing to deal with is the way this has affected my 15-year old daughter. She's usually a sunny girl but has been dealing with a lot of depression. She is going in for evaluation and counseling now, too. She'd already been through so much in her life. It's hard enough to be her age without dealing with this in addition to all the other stuff. This seems to have thrown her over the edge. I don't know how to help her through this when I am having a hard time dealing with it, myself. :(

Cassie I am so sorry you are going through this. I am an adoptive mom and my daughter is 9 months old and I regularly write to her biological grandma, and grandma does the same (birthparents don't correspond at this point in time). Though we haven't met since the adoption, but I have offered many times. Anyway, is there a possibility that your daughter can (if she already hasn't) express to the adoptive parents how much you would love to see your grandaughter and also perhaps would they be willing to share photos and updates with you as well? Or perhaps the agency might be willing to advocate for you also and discuss your feelings (and your daughters) with the adoptive parents? It is hard for me to tell from your posting if they have just outright denied visits or communication or if perhaps maybe they are just overwhelmed with caring for a little baby and just don't have much free time at the moment. I know the first few months of being a new mom for me was overwhelming at times!! But that said, one makes time for the important things in life, and this is one of them. I truly hope you are able to see your grandson very soon.

((((( Cassie ))))) I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious grandchild. You asked about support groups, and I want you to know that Concerned United Birthparents (CUB) will welcome you with open arms. I've met a number of grandparents throughout my years as a CUB member. If you have trouble locating a chapter, let me know and I'll contact the leadership. I surrendered my only child for adoption when I was 17 years old. Neither of my parents would help me at all, and there really wasn't much of a choice. I don't think they would have encouraged adoption if they had had any idea how much grief and despair it was going to bring them later in life, especially my mother. She died a year ago, and on her deathbed told her best friend that losing her firstborn grandson was her greatest regret in life. If anything, her emotional pain and loss grew more acute over the years. Your 15-year-old daughter going into a clinical depression is not at all unusual for this situation. I've seen it happen dozens of times with the younger siblings of the natural mother. Do make sure that her counselor or therapist is skilled in dealing with grief reactions. If they specialize in adoption-related issues, that's even better. I'm sorry that you were lied to...but it happens often once the papers are signed, sealed, and delivered, especially after the adoption is finalized. It's depressing, and it happens all the time. I've been trying to pick up the pieces of quite a few young birth/first mothers lately who have had the door unexplicably slammed in their faces.

Miss Tippy: We tried that at the beginning. Actually, they had started a on-line photo album for updates of pics of the baby, but shut it down after they got home with him. The counselor with the adoption agency did try to talk to me. She did what she could, but it was REALLY clear that this was a business and she was employed by and working on the behalf of the adoptive parents. At that point I realized my best help was not going to come from her and started looking for other resources. Much easier said than done.Also, there were things in the adoption agreement I was not made aware of, so I unwittingly stepped all over the boundaries, it turns out. I kept saying "There are no rules- I wish someone would tell me what to do and what not to do." Well, since the adoption agreement apparently included what would be expected of me, as well, there kinda were rules. But I can't follow rules if I am never informed of what they are. I'd of much rather known- It would have made this whole process easier and I would have dealt with everything, from being in the delivery room to how I advised the daughter who birthed the baby to letting my 15 year old go visit the baby, differently.Despite all of this I am still holding out hope that on their part it is really more being overwhelmed than anything else. We have heard nothing from them in about 3 months or so, but I'm hoping that as they adjust they will be more open to us having some kind of a relationship with him (and them). Last I heard from them they seemed angry that I had referred to him as "my grandson", so I am really confused and unsure what to do at this juncture. My husband sent an Email several days ago asking if they would let us send him a Christmas present. Their reply, or lack thereof, will be very telling.

RavenSong-Thank you for telling me about CUB. I will look into it. If I can't find anything, I will get in touch with you. I really appreciate the recommendation!This was most definitely my daughter and her husbands decision. My husband and I offered to help them financially if they wanted to keep the baby. They refused, although I know that at this point my daughter regrets the decision. So I think she will be the one who lives with the regret. I know I did all I could given the circumstances. It's more her I have cried for than anything else. The baby will be raised in a family that loves him dearly. My daughter will have to live with herself, and I am not sure how that is going to go, quite frankly.The counselor seems to be doing well with my 15-year old. I have seen her countenance improve markedly since starting the sessions. That helps me to feel a lot better. My main responsibility in this whole thing is to make sure that she is okay. It is a helpless feeling when you watch your child suffer because of choices you and she did not make. Believe it or not, it is helpful to know that the way this has gone is not untypical. Kinda makes me feel less crazy.

OP I decided to come back here today to check on the post I had left and see if there were any more replies and someone had suggested I look you up. I am a birth grandmother as well. My story is quite a bit different than yours in the fact that my daughter (age 22) is mentally ill and she had three little girls (current ages 4,3 and 11 months). I have basically been a mother to the girls since the oldest was born. My daughter just seemed to never really bond with any of them but her second one. They called me Grandma and out of the 4 years we had with them they lived with us for probably 3.7 years. So as you can see I became very, very attached to them! We had filed for custody of them thru the courts and the very next day Social Services took them from us and placed them with the foster family who is now adopting them. They made all kinds of promises to us and frankly they are keeping none of them., Things were going ok until my daughter signed the adoption papers which was just a couple weeks ago. The last picture and update I got from the adoptive mom was the day the oldest started preschool. Since then she has ignored my texts and will not correspond with me. I am very very hurt that I will not get any updates or photos of the girls any more. And more hurt that this couple did not keep their promises to us! I dont feel that my grief is only that of a grandparent as I feel that these children were as close to my own as any could get because I was their primary caregiver for 3.7 years! Then to have them snatched from me like that is almost more than I can bear. I am not allowed any contact with them and I know the oldest has been asking when will grandma come see her again. I got to see her only one time after they took her. I know they wonder where I am and why I am not coming to visit them. It tears me up inside, I do not want them to think that Grandmother did not want them nor doesn't love them. I have nightmares and dreams about it. The holidays are fast approaching and I am so sad and depressed knowing that they should be with us and knowing I am not going to get to experience the youngest s firsts, her first Thanksgiving and her first Christmas. They are the innocent ones here, they did not ask for this to happen. Nor did I. I miss them so much it hurts. Every time I see a baby or a little girl my heart just hurts. I immediately think of them. I cannot even go shopping I find myself avoiding anything that reminds me of them. I wont let my husband watch cartoons because it reminds me of them. Sometimes I feel as though I am NEVER going to get beyond this. I am sure my family is tired of me talking about this every day. I cannot function because it seems every single minute of every hour of every day is consumed with thoughts of them and what could have been or should have been. Part of me understands why my daughter did this but part of me wants to be so angry at her that I blow smoke signals! I am seriously considering grief counseling to help me move beyond this. Is anyone else feeling this way? Is what I am feeling normal? Any thoughts?

gjet68- I am not qualified to answer your questions as I am the original poster of this thread and still dealing with grief, myself, but I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for what you have gone through. Read through some of the replies I got- I think they may help you, too.Counseling has helped me tremendously and I would highly recommend it. As I said above, I had also been put on antidepressants and that has helped me quite a lot, as well. I think a combination of the two things has me on the road to healing.I doubt I am ever "over" this. I don't know how one gets over a family member being taken away. And promises not kept is not only incredibly hurtful, but insulting as well.I don't think this is something we get past. I think it is something we get through.Nancy Anne

I'm so sorry for your loss...I know that I have a different perspective to offer you. I am an adoptee. One of the most beautiful relationships I have in my life is with my birth grandma. She is so amazing and special, she never thought she would see me again. I love her dearly! One day your Grandson may give you the gift of another chance. Time may take some of the sting away *hugs*

I could have written this post, it's nearly identical, and I'm suffering feeling exactly the same way you described.My grandchildren have not been adopted yet but I can't get contact and am stonewalled in any attempts. I can't think of anything else, I'm obsessed, emotional and destroyed. I'm still in denial trying all sorts but seems no open adoption, this grandma isn't even allowed contact incase it put adopters off.All I ever did was protect my grandchildren, I had them a lot and love them so much. [/quote]

Please don’t ever lose hope. It probably does little to help right now, but I hope my story can provide a glimmer of hope for you. I’m 31 years old and I was placed for adoption at birth. I have the most wonderful parents, but I wanted to know my biological family. I started searching about 5 years ago and attempts to contact my birth mother were unsuccessful. The agency suggested that contact try to be made with my maternal biological grandmother. The agency contacted her a year ago and she wanted to know me, even though my birth mother didn’t! She was stunned and thrilled that after so many years we found each other. She just assumed that I would never contact her after I had turned 21 with no contact. She is the sweetest, most loving woman and we are both so glad to have found one another. I honestly feel like I’ve known her my whole life, almost like we we never were apart. She and I don’t really talk about how hard losing me was because it’s obviously very difficult for this amazingly sweet woman to have to relive that time. I believe the bond we share was always there, even though she never met me when I was born! My message to you is: Although there are never any guarantees that your grandchild will look for you after he turns 18, never give up hope! I am so sorry for your pain and I’m crying right now thinking of the pain you must feel and the pain my precious grandma must have felt! Thank you for having the courage to share your story. My heart is with you.......