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I haven't posted here in a few years but when I needed great advice, everyone here gave me such wonderful advice and I am in need of it again......
Background is dh and I have 2 birth children. At 3 months old our neice was placed here b/c my SIL got her taken away....Long story short, My dh and I settled for an OA with his sister b/c if she went to trial she would have 100% got her rights taken away and it would have been a longer time for us to wait...Since the day she lost her bd, she has never forgiven my dh and I for "taking her" from her.. Basically we have lost any relationship with her b/c we believe strongly she still is using(alcohol, presc. drugs) and she has done nothing but made our life difficult...So since the OA took place we settled for letting the birthmom see (T) 2x a year. I have been taking her every year. However this May (T) now 5 yrs old said she does not want to see her so in our Legal OA agreement it states we can encourage her to visit but we don't have to force her to go....Well, we tried to explain to my sil that we thought since (T) was getting older, we really want to listen to her and if she doesnt want to go, then we won't push her.(but always give her the option) So here it is again, 2nd visit and (T) is saying she doesn't want to go...SIL called and said she'd like to hear back soon from us because she wants to know what AVENUES she will take because she won't play "these games" anymore!!!! Ridiculous!! But my dh and I wonder....what could she do legally?? She has no money...no education..... We're feeling bullied but we sincerely just want to do what's in the best interest of (T)...since she has been with us since 3months, and she knows a lot about why we adopted her, she really has no desire to see her birthmom.....What do you ladies think.....Sorry soooo long!!!
Also just wanted to add 1) We worked with cps for 2 1/2 years before adopting(T) and I can't tell you how stressful that was because bm in such complete denial!!! and 2) that last time on phone with SIL in May when I was trying to explain why we don't want to push (T) to visit if she doesn't want she told me to f%6$k myself and hung up..Dh and I have 100% gone above and beyond for birthmom and followed the OA agreement!!!(unlike her)
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Yep, been there (also in a legally binding OA with an addict relative).
Unlike stranger adoption, there is NO way to fully close an OA when its with a relative. You can keep them out of your home and not allow them access, but you share a family.. SOMEONE with share a picture, a story, an update.
The best we can do is balance boundaries and aftermath
I've recently had to stop access to DD from my cousin (her "BD"). He's moved in with another unstable addict and is on a downward spiral. Unfortunately, he took DD's brother with him. She still sees him at family events, but thats it
There have been times when my DD would rather stay home than go spend the day driving to her BM's visit (its 2 hours each way, for us)
I have a series of questions I use to gauge whether this is the time to make the tough call.
* Is she showing significant stress prior to and after a visit? (thus far, no)
* Can I convince her to go? As in, by the time we go, has she accepted the visit? or is she really dreading it
* Once she's there, is she settling in and enjoying the interaction? (thus far, for us, yes)
5 is a tough age. They don't have forward vision. Or a sense of how relationships slowly build.
Does your sister show up impaired? say unacceptable things? Bring inappropriate people? Put your DD at risk in any way?
Could your DD be picking up on your stress?
Does your OA allow for you to petition the court to alter the terms and conditions? Does it call out what your sister should do she believes you are in default?
How likely is your sister to follow this process?
Are you thinking about ending all visits? Or cancelling a single visit?
There's no easy answer. All you can do is look in you heart. Try to separate you r hurt feelings as a sister from the protective mom feelings and decide what you believe to be truly in your DD's best interest
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^excellent guide/questions.
Five is not old enough to make their own decision about visits IMHO. It really is the "what in the best interest of the child."
While bmom may be horrible to you and DH, the question is, how is she with LO?
At 5, I think the decision has to be based on more than what the child wants in the moment she is asked or the visit is discussed. To me the biggies are showing up impaired (yes or no) to the point that it impacts the visit, the child's response before, during AND after a visit.
I think at that age (5) they really can't determine visits. I think it's up to the adults to protect the child which means if bioparents are impaired, drugged, drunk, etc...there is NO visit. Once you let the child determine if they can go or not it may be a continuing thing because they know they make the decision. If you don't feel it's safe for the child to see the bioparents then I'd not allow the visit. I wouldn't let a 5 yr old make that decision. Once they are older then I would use thier input and make a determination. I'd set firm boundaries..and stick to them. No impairments, no extra people...etc...observe the way she's talking to the child. Sometimes things said can be worse then things done. I'd document everything too in a journal. That way you have the diary of all the visits in case there is an issue. Also, watch and observe the situation. Visits are stressful by themselves but if you see anything going wrong during it then let bioparent know it will be stopped immediately and you will remove the child. Your main concern is to protect the child in all this. Be careful with the emotions after a visit. That could be caused by the emotions resulting from the visit and not the actual visit itself. I know they looked terrible upon us when we visited our niece (now daughter). The FPS tried to use that against us. She was 6 at the time and there is so many emotions going thru their little heads. It's best to talk to them about feelings and emotions before and after.
As usual great advice...I will see how visit goes...One other question, if (T) would be more comfortable with her brother there, would you think that would be okay?? When we have had other visits, what always happens is birthmom just hangs back and watches bd play on a playground...so don't think it would be a bad thing at this point b/c it would make her feel more comfortable?? In the past visits, ad has been ok seeing birthmom and we talk a lot about feelings and emotions before and after(other times too) For a 5 year old, she does well with understanding.
Can someone remind me again why this is in the best interest of (T) when birthmom still using, treats her parents like crap, doesn't even really interact with her, and ad doesn't even seem interested going???? Ugh....Just wondering if I even did the right thing 3 years ago...Should have let her go to trial.....THANKS for all your input out there!!!