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TPR in September and we are holding our breath until 10/26 (that is when it can no longer be contested).
Kiddos just told me about the youngest (3 at the time) was using the microwave and the contents caught on fire. Mom was home but didn't care that the boys were using the microwave. The middle child (5 at the time) put the fire out. I think they are lucky to be alive! This is just one of the many stories of her being non existant as a parent.
Anyway, we have had the boys for 18 months now and it looks like we are going to be adopting them! We are trying to figure out what visits with their bio mom should be like (she is my neice). First, I was thinking once a month...then I switched to thinking maybe 4 times a year (birth months of each and 1 around holidays). Now, after talking to a few relatives I'm feeling like none at all! She has been very inconsistent with visits for the past 18 months.
One complication in this is also that she just had twins 4 months ago...gosh, she's had 4 taken away for abuse and neglect but just keeps going... (my 3, now 5, 6 and 8 years old and another daughter that is 10). They system is broken, she has the twins and will get the opportunity to mess their little lives up too.
What works best for visits for the kiddos? I'm afraid when they're teenagers they will wonder why we didn't let them see their mom (if we dont). Their bio dad has been gone for 5 years, left...didn't look back.
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Our daughter (niece) doesn't see her Mom and hasn't in 6 years. She doesn't even have phone calls because they got very inappropriate so we stopped those too. I tell her that her Mom is not safe and is inappropriate. I also see how it confused her when she had 2 Mom's...she felt like she was disrespecting both of us when she called us both Mom. It was a mess...but in our case biomom lives across the country and there is no worry of her showing up here. She tried to befriend me on Facebook but I told her I couldn't do it and why and got a nasty message back on how I'm the one doing wrong, how our daughter will know the truth, blah blah blah...she's quite mainipulative in all ways and not a positive role model for our daughter. Having cut off contact about 2 yrs ago I notice a totally different child..no more issues with school, no emotional traumas, and it's peaceful here. When she's 18 she will have the choice to contact her or not. She will also get her file we have here on her CPS case. All I can suggest is you have to make that decision. You can setup boundaries and if she doesn't follow them then you have every right to limit or stop contact. Remember you are the childrens Mom and you are there to protect them. Don't feel guilty at all just because you are related. I had to put all the relative stuff on the back burner and look at our daughter and realize it's all for her stability and happiness. It's not like you are taking away contact cause of spite or cause of a wrong motive..you are doing it for their protection and stability. As long as you aren't doing it just because then I wouldn't feel guilty one bit. Just make sure clear boundaries are discussed and you stand your ground. Give them an inch and sometimes they can take a mile! At least that was our case :(
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Thank you for your input. We have decided to "take a break" from visits for awhile. Their therapist helped guide us to wait and re-assess the situation in January. We have had lots of behavior issues at visits and after so it will be good for everyone to take a break. Bmom may get mad, she may not care...who knows. After that, we will probably offer 2 visits per year.
auntmommy
Thank you for your input. We have decided to "take a break" from visits for awhile. Their therapist helped guide us to wait and re-assess the situation in January. We have had lots of behavior issues at visits and after so it will be good for everyone to take a break. Bmom may get mad, she may not care...who knows. After that, we will probably offer 2 visits per year.
We too just started up therapy again after about a 3 yr break...we found someone locally thru the Child Protection Team whom works with FC and abused children and she is a Godsend. See if your area has a Child Protection Team and try and get in with them. They also work with the parents (Hubby and I) to help us handle situations as they arise that may trigger her. It's good to have someone finally on your side :)
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