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This is mostly a vent, but I'm wondering if other foster parents have lost or given up friends because of their lack of compassion about what a foster parent deals with. I have/had a good friend who has two girls around my two bio kids ages and had a baby 2 years ago. At the time, my husband and I were in PRIDE training. My friend was having a hard time juggling everything and the baby was not a good sleeper, so I took her two older kids often to play with my kids and give her a break. Now, 2 years later she is still calling and asking me to take her 2 older girls. I have 2 foster kids and 2 bio kids. My foster kids are going through some stuff right now with visitation, so they are having nightmares, acting out, having more therapist visits and more CASA visits. I have been declining to take her girls for the last 6 months or so. She has never offered to take any of my kids when I have foster kids, only when it's just my bios. I am tired of hearing about how little sleep she gets, how hard her life is, etc. She has invited my kids over for playdates, but she asks me to stay "in case of any issues" and asks me to bring a snack for mine, since 4 kids are too many for her to provide snack. Yet her girls have eaten full meals and snacks at my house several times.
Today this "friend" called me 4 times (2 on my home phone, 2 on my cell) while I was on the phone with the social worker. When I listened to the messages -- she wanted to borrow my ice cream maker. She had already emailed and texted me yesterday with the same request. I just haven't had time to get back to her. I don't know where my ice cream maker is. It's not at the top of my priority list right now. I have to get a kid to the dr and email back to a therapist about last night's nightmares. Oh and I have to go by the school for a meeting with the school social worker. Yeah. Her sudden need for homemade ice cream is not that important to me.
This same "friend" is often going out of town, so she expects me to drop everything to hang with her or let her kids have playdates with mine (at my house with my groceries) when she's available. She got upset last summer that I declined an invitation for our family to go camping with hers (I wasn't sure my fosters kids who had previously lived in a car would appreciate camping).
Has anyone else had a "friend" who was fine before you became a foster parent but then is just too demanding, needy and self-centered when you're so taxed? I honestly don't know what to say to her anymore. I want to just tell her to leave me alone, but don't know how to do it without her running around to all of our mutual friends complaining about me. She was one of my references when I got licensed, so if we end up going to adoption I don't know if she'll be contacted again for another reference.
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Yeah, I agree, she doesn't sound like a very good friend to me.
I feel like nobody understands what it takes to do this and how hard it is to constantly jump through hoops for everyone else. Even my mom and dad tell me "why can't you just say no?" when I am told I have to be at whatever place for court, meeting, visitations or like yesterday the sw says mom is concerned about cough at his morning visit, so I have to rearrange my whole afternoon to take him to the dr just to find out he has a cold, just as I thought. It really turns your life upside down and it's easy to lose sight of why you're doing it when people make you feel wrong for doing a good thing.
Wish I had some good advice for you. My only suggestion is
To keep making the kids your priority and let her know that and even she won't be able bad mouth you or question your character no matter how put off she is feeling.
I know you are frustrated but it's better not to blow up at her considering she is a reference.
I have one that constantly says "I dont know why you keep these kids. you are neglecting your own to care for someone elses." Which, let me say, I AM NOT! and when she took my family pictures of me, my husband, my 2 bio's and G, she delivers the CD and tells me "I just wish I took one of you your family." I said "you did" and she says "no, your realy family, without G" I said "He is my family." She says "I know you want to adopt but he isnt really family." My response "He is family. Yes we want to adopt him. Yes, we are adopting him and even if that doesnt happen TODAY THIS IS MY FAMILY!"
She wonders why I do not call...SMH
Well, you pretty much described a few members of my family. If I don't answer my phone when they call or immediately return their calls or texts, they get all bu++ hurt. They immediately think that I am mad at them for something. It drives me crazy.
As for your friend, it sounds like you just need to tell her straight out that you have a life and are busy. This life includes TWO extra kids (WITH challenging behaviors), a bunch of therapists, SWs, teachers and BPs on top of it. She needs to know that you still want to be her friend and spend time with her (maybe you don't I don't know) but you have WAY less time these days and she either agrees to back off and be there for you when things settle down or not.
You will find out pretty quickly if she is your true friend.
Since we began doing foster care, I've found that my friend who also does foster care has actually became my closest friend. We can text or talk on the phone every day for a week and then not hear from eachother for 5-6 days or more. When we talk again, it's like there was no gap...we pick up right where we left off. I love her.
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I would just start to slowly back away and withdraw. I wouldn't even get into the 'why's b/c age and experience tell me that it will only make matters worse and the friendship will end bitterly. I 'broke up' with a friend two yrs ago, it was done in an email. I tried to make the 'break up' more about me, as to not offend her. I was very nice, even had my hubby read it to make sure it didn't come across harsh. She responded nastily out of hurt and I never responded back. Seeing her afterwards is still awakward.
This will sound strange being a mother of many, but I really don't like babysitting other people's kids, so you have my sympathies there. Thankfully I don't have any needy, self centered friends (right now) so I can't relate.
I don't have foster kids but I think that that is neither here nor there. This "friend" is not being mutually supportive. She is taking advantage of you and using you when it's convenient for her. Sometimes people grow apart and that's okay. Right now this relationship isn't working but maybe you guys can talk every now and then and see if she shapes up.
MountainMommy
I don't have foster kids but I think that that is neither here nor there. This "friend" is not being mutually supportive. She is taking advantage of you and using you when it's convenient for her. Sometimes people grow apart and that's okay. Right now this relationship isn't working but maybe you guys can talk every now and then and see if she shapes up.