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Let me start by saying we have 5 children. Two of them are adopted family members and one is a kinship placement that will be adopted hopefully this spring. My DH says we are done, our family is complete. I agreed and we were moving on with our lives.
Then my DD's biomom got pregnant. She is a nice enough person, dont get me wrong, but she has ALOT of mental health issues. She also has the mentality of a young teenager. To save my daughters sanity we have an open adoption and biomom sees me as an older sister of sorts. I have taken her to OBGYN appointments and she wants me to be in the delivery room when baby is born.
Her boyfriend is also a nice guy, with alot of mental and physical health issues of his own. He was diagnosed as schitzophrenic among other things but seems stable on meds. He also has the mentality of a young teenager.
I know from our youngest son's CW that they are already aware of the pregnancy and 'watching closely to see what happens' when the baby is born. There is more than a good chance this baby will end up being removed from them at some point.
Here is my dilemma. My husband says 5 kids are enough and has no intrest in taking this baby if its removed from their custody. I know that if I push the issue he will allow the baby to live with us, but it will cause a good bit of tension in our home.
My daughter knows that there is a good chance her sibling will need a safe place to go and fully expects that place to be our home. With her history I dont think she would be able to get past the thought of us abandoning her sibling and years of therapy and attachment parenting would be down the drain. Im not sure she would ever allow herself to trust us again.
The baby will be here just after the first of the year. What would you do?
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What I noticed was the risk factors for mental illness with this baby -- I would fear that. My friend has a schizophrenic son. It is an incredible amount of work for her. Because her ex-husband (father of child) got wealthy in the software industry, she can research the best placements for him. He's in an apartment with a live-in paid roommate, who keeps him eating well, bicycling, attending events, etc. Ordinary people could never afford that. When her son was in "in-patient" hospitals or group homes, it was a disaster. Because of that, with all the risk factors you suggest, I believe I'd pass on this child. I would start working towards that decision with my child, by talking more or less around the issue. Use books, conversations, etc, including examples like what if there are 3 more babies after this? Every family has a limit. I'd get her into counseling if she's not already, hopefully someone very talented. Just my 2 cents.At the least you could consult with a talented attachment therapist and see if they see the situation with the same worries you do.
There is no "one shoe fits all" answer
You need to search your soul and look at it from all angles.
Would your existing kiddos be better or worse off with the added child? Keep in mind, THEY are you priority. You can save everyone (this coming from someone who has had to make the tough decision regarding my AD and her BB who has many issues)
If you believe the kids would be better off or even with the added child, would that answer change if your DH left?
How rigid is your husband on this topic? Is there any negotiations possible? If not, you need to decide whats more important - your marriage or the added child.
good luck
I would go by your gut. If it's going to cause tension and cause the current kids to suffer and the new baby to suffer I wouldn't do it. You know your limitations. Maybe you can let the SW know that once an adoptive home is available you would like the kids to stay in touch. Maybe that is a possibility?
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