Advertisements
I've seen a few posts related to my subject, but there is so very little support for 'us' that it's difficult to really find help.
My husband and I have been married for 11 years and together for 14. We have two little children, 7 and 2. I suffered two miscarriages (one with twins) in between our children and my husband battled cancer two months after we were married. We've had a wonderful, yet challenging life and are stronger as a result.
About 5 months ago, my husband received a letter in the mail stating that he was the father of this child. He had dated the girl's mother briefly and after breaking up they had a brief 'reunion'. Shortly after that, she became pregnant. My husband was told it was not his (apparently the mom was seeing other men as well). He never thought about the situation again. The girl was raised by her mother and grandmother. She was only told when she was 17 who her father might be. Apparently, the mother 'knew' all along and never did anything about it. The mother was also 'rejected' by her birth father. Something my husband didn't know when they dated.
Flash forward 21 years and through DNA testing, we find out he is in fact the father. My husband is an honorable man and amazing father. Although it has not been easy, he accepted the situation and we moved forward at a very slow pace. We also immediately entered counseling. My husband struggles because he knows he needs to do what is right, but does not feel like a piece of paper is automatic grounds for a connection. Despite this, he is willing to try.
The biggest problem resides with me. My husband has been supportive of my feelings and after reading through as much as I can and sharing with him, he senses the struggle for me and is also trying to keep our marriage first. A sentiment we have carried throughout our marriage with our own two kids.
Despite all this, I still cannot get to a 'good' place with our new life. At the root of this, I understand that a child is involved and she has every right to know her father. But, never in my life did I expect anything to come from outside our marriage and family. I know they need to develop a relationship, but how do you make room for that and not feel like someone is invading on your family? How do I protect my own two kids who have no idea they are not the only kids my husband has. My daughter is 7 and I've read so much about the struggles with finding out you're not the first born, that she's not the only girl, etc.
I really want to support my husband, but I cannot figure out how or really get to a good place. I'm trying the motto 'Fake it until you make it', but it doesn't seem to be helping. We have been upfront with this girl from the beginning that we feel this is a relationship the three of us must build together. She writes that she is on board with it. To try and take the first step, I reached out to her with a heartfelt email about how hard this was for me, and to reassure her it was not personal. I asked that we just start to get to know each other and that would help in the process. She wrote a nice email back, but only answered the two questions directly that I asked and had nothing 'conversational' in the email.
I support children finding their families. However, now that it is affecting our family, I find it very difficult to be as supportive as I know I should be. There is so much out there - literature, forums, blogs, etc about the Triad and supporting the reunion. But, nothing talks about how you support and keep in tact the current family. Every book I've read (Primal Wounds, etc) spends about one chapter discussing the difficulties on others in a reunion, but no true road map on how to get through it. One book also talks about how many families end in divorce because reunions are so stressful. How is this beneficial? How do I move forward accepting another child into our family when I've had 14 years to think it was just us and 5 months to try and wrap my arms around this? How to I ensure my marriage stays strong, even though it feels like there is an outsider coming in? How do I not feel jealous as he develops a relationship with a girl who wants to know her father? How do I support him when he knows what's right, but doesn't necessarily feel a connection to a child he never knew he had?
My husband has had one brief conversation with her and all the rest has been through email. She is not quite engaged with email and I know she would very much prefer texting or phone calls. I know this girl is only doing what is entitled to her. But, I also don't think she understands the impact of what this can do to our family as well. How do you rank 'importance'? In everything you read, the 'adoptee' trumps all other situations because they are the ones that aren't whole. How do you respect that situation, without also jeapordizing the family that is whole?
Like
Share
I was that girl...the girl who just wanted a dad, and to know her younger sibblings. I adore my little brothers, they are 18 years younger than me and because of my biological father's wife those boys don't know me and I don't really know them. But they ARE my brothers, she can choose to ignore that but she can't change it. I have only seen them a handful of times when they were tiny. Then she shut down contact because she felt threatened. Her life was "perfect" until I showed up.
Please give this girl some motherly love.She needs it. She needs to know you won't hate her just because she was born. That is how I feel, hated and abandoned. It has been over 5 years si.ce I saw them last. I just wanted a dad. I wanted my little brothers to know me and know that we sharw the same eyes, the same nose...but it wasnt easy or comfortable for his wife. So here I sit,a happily married mother of three and foster mother of two more, wishi.g my kids had a grandpa, wishing they knew their uncles, wishi.g for more. I will never get that piece of my life. She made that clear. But that dad sized hole in my heart will never dissapear no matter how hard I try.
Give the girl a chance, give her the gift of a loving family.
Advertisements
It is hard when you feel like you have chosen and created a certain reality (your intact nuclear family) and yet find yourself with another reality foisted upon you that you didn't choose. My role in the situation was slightly different, but I had many of the same feelings. I can only liken it to the stages of grief, and it took a couple years for me to fully move through it and come to a place of acceptance. There were moments I cried, shouted, felt like a victim of other people's choices, felt angry at what was happening, worried about the impact on our younger son of the introduction of new siblings into his brother's life when he had previously been the only sibling, etc. It was an immense inner struggle, especially in the beginning stages as I worried how it would change how our family worked and the ultimate impact on all of us.
It takes a extended period of time for these things to sort out, which is hard in a situation where a minute can feel like an eternity. It took an immense amount of trust, and in the end I had to lay down the urge to fight to maintain MY ideal world and instead channel that energy into accepting what is (the new reality), not what I want (the old reality).
In order to be peaceful, I had to lay down my feelings of what belonged to me by right (MY son, MY husband, OUR family). It was very painful to truly let go of all the possessives (lay down the "mine" in anything), and for me, it was accomplished by trusting God that I am His, and so is my husband, and my son, etc. No person, no family unit belongs to me. I can only commit myself to loving and living out my role as mother, wife, etc., but without claiming an entitlement in return or feeling victimized if I am not rewarded with the reality I would desire. That was not easy.
I also had to truly grieve the reality I was losing, that I loved, that I wanted to maintain. It was a true process of grief. I had to open myself to living with this new reality I didn't choose or create, even if it felt excruciatingly painful in the beginning.
I can encourage you that on the other side of all that inner turmoil was peace. And that peace was achieved through focusing on the act of loving others without expectation, rather than focus on the fear of what I or the rest of the family might lose in this new situation. I now genuinely love the person whose new presence caused so much pain in the beginning. And I feel compassion for her for what she was robbed of by others' decisions. And I'm committed to not contributing to that any further on my part, nor trying to control the outcome for her or anyone else. Just love the people put in front of you. It is NOT easy. But it is ultimately so much more peaceful.
It will be a prolonged process, not a simple decision or event. It will be a working out, not a diving in. And you will need a safe place to vent to someone who will be productive and not encourage the feelings that just need working out, or enflame the situation by enflaming your entitlement or anger, someone who will be compassionate and not judge you, and also not judge your husband or her. No one is doing this TO you, though it feels that way. Everyone is finding their way with great pain and confusion. Vent to someone who will help you ease the pain the confusion of your husband and his newly discovered daughter, not increase it. Make decisions from love, not from fear.
Hang in there. Stay focused on acceptance and love- in spite of the pain. The pain will wane. It will never disappear, but it will wane. And in my case, our familial bonds became even stronger through passing it through it together and through my willingness to participate and not make demand, even when it hurt like heck. My security in our family is stronger because the new situation is no longer perceived as a threat, my security includes the new reality.
Again, hang in there. I know it's not easy.
Thank you for your note. A lot of what you write in your note is what makes all this so complex. Not unexpected, just complex. What I'm learning is that this is not easy for anyone. And, I hope that those searching for their birth parents don't underestimate the difficutly on the other end. Even if outside the 'triangle'. My husband and I did not know he fathered a child before now. He's not a dead beat dad. The mother just decided to raise the baby on her own and never tell anyone. Until the girl was 17. At that time, we were well on our way building our life and had two kids of our own.
I know this girl wants a father. But, everyone needs to understand that these decisions cannot be isolated. If she gets the father, she also needs to be accepting of a family that includes a mother and kids. The current family should not be at risk because someone else is in the picture. All too often in these reunions, the existing family is a second thought in the equation. It will ebb and flow, but there needs to be an understanding that no one asked for this situation, not just the adoptee entering into the reunion.
At the end of the day, I'm learning that these reunions and relationship building take compassion and patience. And love. No one is spared the difficulty and complexity of the situation.
Thank you for your perspective. It does help to understand all sides.
Thank you very much for your post. It was very helpful. I am learning that you can only go about this new transition with all the things you mention. There continue to be ups and downs in it. At the current time, my husband is the one struggling with the news. He has backed off, so in the meantime, I have kept up email communication with the daughter. In his own way, I think he is grieving the loss of what was his 'existing' family prior to the news. Because he never knew, he is having to process a lot. Everyone expects this relationship to be there from the beginning, but he is having to get to know someone who is a total stranger. My husband is a very involved father with our two young kids and I think is also struggling with the change or impact this will have on them. We understand that it can and probably will be a very positive on the long run. However, we still have to acknowledge that there will be an impact of some magnitude.
Thank you again for the insight.
I am that adopted daughter who sought out her biological father and found him. He is a great man who has embraced me as his daughter. I am 26, and have great adopted parents so I wasn't looking for a 'daddy' as I have one of those, but I as looking to establish a relationship with this man I have only known has birth father.The wife is having a very hard time with this. I even wrote her a letter, that she could read when she wanted too. I want to get to know her and their kids, and do not want to push boundaries. It has only been 2 months since I have made contact with him, but in 2 months she has gotten worse, not better. So its been quite a few months since you came across this situation. How are things now? How are you now? I love and care so much for my b-dad and that means I do care for his wife. Any advice as to how to help her?
Advertisements