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(off topic) Just put my 5 year old nephew (foster son) and boyfriend on a plane back to his home state for his first visit with birth parents since he was placed with us 3 months ago. Very nervous about how upset it might make him, but happy that he is excited to see his family....
We are still awaiting TPR, state is still pursuing (as far as I know), but parents have moderately cleaned up their acts and it may drag on for a long time now.
There is a hearing in about 2 weeks and we got a message through child's case worker that parents want to know what terms we would want for an open adoption. They suggested that we accommodate 2 visits per year in our state (1200 miles away from their state) where they have to travel to us at their expense, and if they miss 1 visit, the contract is null and void and no future visits are required.
I'm still 99.99% sure they will absolutely not agree to termination (if the court terminates rights, we'll proceed with the closed adoption) and have no idea why they always suggest it right before the court date, but it got me thinking, what are suggestions that those on this forum have to put into OA agreements? Some suggestions that have been made to us in the past:
*simply promise X visits annually (no specifics) and it can be 5 minutes at a huge family reunion with 100 people
*specify that visits will only occur if the parents are clean/sober (how to prove?) and not currently in legal trouble
*specify that we have to approve any attendees of visits other than BP (stolen from someone else on this forum)
I really like the idea that if they miss 1 visit, no future visits are required. I did not like their suggestion that they travel to our state--I don't want them anywhere near our house (certainly not visiting us) and we will be traveling to their state at least 2x/yr to visit grandparents anyway.
How are these agreements usually written? Are visits typically specified to occur for a set number of years? Or until the child is a certain age? How would you put in a termination clause if the visits aren't good for the child (i.e. cause anxiety, he doesn't want to go, etc..)? I know that is very heavily opinion, but I don't want to be dragging a kid to visits if it really is a bad situation?
What else would you recommend as being useful or important to protecting the child after the OA?
Thanks so much and happy Thanksgiving!
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Good questions. We adopted nephew at age 6 1/2
We visit the home state maybe 1x per year. We visited with bparents ALONE, no one else present. If their behavior is "off" the visit is over. In other words, if they are disrespectful, drunk or high (in our opinion) the visit is over. Now that dson is 12, he gets to decide about visits. Right now, his decision for December is no visit. We occasionally send school pictures and an update. I used to write a lot until they screwed that up (long story).
I would offer visits alone with them when you visit with the conditions above until dson says he doesn't want to go. Offer pics and a letter 2x a year with school pics, maybe a holiday picture like Halloween costume, pic with Santa.
Stand firm, these decisions are for long term.
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First off, openness does not refer only to visits. It won't hurt you to stipulate that you will call the birth family once every month or two, and that you will encourage your son to talk to his birthparents during these calls, but will not pressure him if he refuses. It also won't hurt if you say that you will send photos every six months, and that you would welcome photos of the birthparents every six months, so that your son will get to know them through pictures.
As to visits, I think that it's unrealistic to expect the birthparents to pay the full costs of seeing their birthchild, twice a year, when they live so far away. As you will be going to their state at least twice a year, indicate that you will pay for and make one visit to them, in their state, annually, and will give them adequate notice of when you are coming, so that they can free up their calendars to see you.
If you are comfortable going to their home, indicate that the visit will be in their home. If not, indicate that you will discuss with them a mutually agreeable setting, such as a zoo, a playground, or some other child-friendly setting, where they can see your son in action. Indicate that no other people besides the birthparents and you and your spouse should attend, and indicate that you will not leave your child alone with them for any reason, at least for the first few years. Indicate that, at least for the first few years, visits will be limited to two hours. And, of course, indicate that the visits will be terminated immediately if there is evidence that the birthparents are under the influence of drugs or alcohol, if they make threats, or if they exhibit other behaviors that suggest either danger to your family or an attempt to involve you in any illegal or inappropriate activity (including an attempt to extort money from you).
You may also indicate that the birthparents have the option to make a visit to your state, at their expense, once a year. Failure to make the visit will not jeopardize the agreement, but the birthparents should be encouraged to come, if at all possible. If you are uncomfortable with having the birthparents in your home, arrange the visits for your social worker's office, or, once again, have them at a public place, especially a child-friendly place -- a picnic in the park, a trip to a ball game, a visit to a fair, etc. Participating in activities together can potentially build a bond with your son's birthparents, which will be good for both you and your son.
You can certainly agree to revisit the open adoption contract every few years and, if appropriate, make changes. If agreement can't be reached on the changes, then you may want to suggest that a social worker serve as mediator, with the person requesting the changes paying his/her fees. You can also say that if your child becomes upset during visits or refuses to go, you will have a third party (your son's doctor, a social worker, etc.) document your son's situation and notify the birthparents that there is an immediate need to change the agreement.
My hope is that you will discover, during your first few visits, that your son's birthparents are not villains -- just people who made some bad decisions in the past -- and that you can ultimately revise the open adoption agreement to include letting your son spend at least a little unsupervised time with his birthparents and/or letting your son's birthparents visit your home. In time, too, perhaps some of your other relatives will be able to welcome the birthparents (who, after all, are also related to you, if I understand things correctly) and you to a family gathering.
Of course, if you child's birthparents remain involved with substance abuse, or show other signs of behavior that could be harmful to your son or your household, you can always terminate the agreement. But don't terminate it, just because they miss a visit. What if they catch a bad case of flu, or a snowstorm cancels a planned meeting?
Some birthparents may, eventually, get to a point in their lives where they don't want further contact with their birth son or daughter and terminate the agreement. That is their prerogative, although I wish it didn't have to be that way. Even if they no longer want visits, it would be great if you could get them to agree to annual letters and pictures.
On the other hand, some relationships may continue until the child is an adult, and can negotiate his own plan for maintaining contact with his birthparents.
Sharon
sak9645
First off, openness does not refer only to visits. It won't hurt you to stipulate that you will call the birth family once every month or two, and that you will encourage your son to talk to his birthparents during these calls, but will not pressure him if he refuses. It also won't hurt if you say that you will send photos every six months, and that you would welcome photos of the birthparents every six months, so that your son will get to know them through pictures.
As to visits, I think that it's unrealistic to expect the birthparents to pay the full costs of seeing their birthchild, twice a year, when they live so far away. As you will be going to their state at least twice a year, indicate that you will pay for and make one visit to them, in their state, annually, and will give them adequate notice of when you are coming, so that they can free up their calendars to see you.
If you are comfortable going to their home, indicate that the visit will be in their home. If not, indicate that you will discuss with them a mutually agreeable setting, such as a zoo, a playground, or some other child-friendly setting, where they can see your son in action. Indicate that no other people besides the birthparents and you and your spouse should attend, and indicate that you will not leave your child alone with them for any reason, at least for the first few years. Indicate that, at least for the first few years, visits will be limited to two hours. And, of course, indicate that the visits will be terminated immediately if there is evidence that the birthparents are under the influence of drugs or alcohol, if they make threats, or if they exhibit other behaviors that suggest either danger to your family or an attempt to involve you in any illegal or inappropriate activity (including an attempt to extort money from you).
You may also indicate that the birthparents have the option to make a visit to your state, at their expense, once a year. Failure to make the visit will not jeopardize the agreement, but the birthparents should be encouraged to come, if at all possible. If you are uncomfortable with having the birthparents in your home, arrange the visits for your social worker's office, or, once again, have them at a public place, especially a child-friendly place -- a picnic in the park, a trip to a ball game, a visit to a fair, etc. Participating in activities together can potentially build a bond with your son's birthparents, which will be good for both you and your son.
You can certainly agree to revisit the open adoption contract every few years and, if appropriate, make changes. If agreement can't be reached on the changes, then you may want to suggest that a social worker serve as mediator, with the person requesting the changes paying his/her fees. You can also say that if your child becomes upset during visits or refuses to go, you will have a third party (your son's doctor, a social worker, etc.) document your son's situation and notify the birthparents that there is an immediate need to change the agreement.
My hope is that you will discover, during your first few visits, that your son's birthparents are not villains -- just people who made some bad decisions in the past -- and that you can ultimately revise the open adoption agreement to include letting your son spend at least a little unsupervised time with his birthparents and/or letting your son's birthparents visit your home. In time, too, perhaps some of your other relatives will be able to welcome the birthparents (who, after all, are also related to you, if I understand things correctly) and you to a family gathering.
Of course, if you child's birthparents remain involved with substance abuse, or show other signs of behavior that could be harmful to your son or your household, you can always terminate the agreement. But don't terminate it, just because they miss a visit. What if they catch a bad case of flu, or a snowstorm cancels a planned meeting?
Some birthparents may, eventually, get to a point in their lives where they don't want further contact with their birth son or daughter and terminate the agreement. That is their prerogative, although I wish it didn't have to be that way. Even if they no longer want visits, it would be great if you could get them to agree to annual letters and pictures.
On the other hand, some relationships may continue until the child is an adult, and can negotiate his own plan for maintaining contact with his birthparents.
Sharon