Ridiculous Christmas list requests, entitlemnet

I understand your frustration, but asking for a puppy or kitten is really not so outrageous, is it? I begged for a puppy for years, until I finally got it :)same goes for dying her hair... it's what teenagers do, and yes, most have a cell phone at 13 also.maybe you could compromise, and buy her a cell phone that has a prepaid plan? or a plan that cost $ 50/month, with NO limits? (verizon)as far as the hair goes, I was always open to my daughters ideas...it's just hair dye lol she was all black, totally red, blond, now she is 19, and back to her 'normal' hair color.I tried to be flexible with her, you know? she wasn't harming anybody with her hair, she was a good kid, didn't get into trouble/drugs/etc, so giving her some 'slack' was my way of parenting...I understand your daughter has RAD, but she still is a teenager...eta: she is missing her 'other family'. I understand that this HURTS you, and hurts bad, but pls. try to understand, that this is an older child, and no matter HOW bad the bio family was, they are still HER family, adopted or not. Most older kids miss their mom, no matter HOW BAD she was. It's christmas time, and feelings come up that a lot of times are held back.... Is your daughter in counseling where she can openly talk about all this? or maybe you all could have family counseling too, to help understand each other more? I hope you all find a good compromise, and have a peaceful holiday season.

I think that she is asking for stuff that she knows she won't get to make us look bad. We simply can't afford a cell phone, period. She was walking home from school and going to a teen club on half days, but since she got into trouble during those times, we had to put her into another program that is costing us $300 a month. And that was our Christmas budget. Natural consequences there. Besides, even if we could, we don't trust her with one, she'll lose it or break it just like everything else we've ever given her. Bought her an ipod and it lasted 6 weeks, she admited to smashing it. As far as the pet thing goes, we already have a dog and a cat, and she refuses to clean the cat box or pick up dog poop, she killed her goldfish, so no more pets. And the school has a stict policy on artifical hair color (among other things including piercings). I think she's just trying to get away with as much as possible. We've explained that she can do whatever she wants to her face when she turns eighteen. Problem is, she didn't really put down any real gift on her list, like toys, books, games, etc. So we (and the rest of the family) don't really have a lot to work with.

You might try cross posting on the general Special Needs board. [url]http://forums.adoption.com/special-needs-adoption/[/url] There are a few regulars with RAD kids who might be able to give some more input, Good luck!

They may not be gifts she can have but I don't see her list as "entitled" or "bratty behavior" or even ridiculous. I think her list is very modest actually, although I understand your points of why she cannot have them. My kids ask for things I'd consider to be luxury items too knowing they likely won't get them. Why? Because it's nice to wish and dream sometimes. And just be aware that teens are a bit selfish in general about some things. It's the age. Now, if your dd has RAD then it's very possible/likely that she is asking for these things because she knows it'll push your buttons. Maybe your reaction can just be "Thanks for the list" and buy her what you want to get her. At 13, toys are kind of long past though, so maybe you can lean towards teen friendly gifts that don't break? Clothes, shoes, hair accessories, movie tickets, things related to any hobbies or interests she might have?

Yes. And yes. It definately sounds like you're learning how she thinks. Remember, it's not an entitled brat attitude. She doesn't really think she's going to get any of these things, although she'll swear up and down that they are all realistic. She knows perfectly well that they are all not going to happen. She did not ask for them to get them - she asked for them to push your buttons, give her a supposed reason to be angry, and bolster her false ideas that you don't do what she thinks she needs. So. You are left with a teen who has RAD, and who refuses to give you a Christmas gift list. You know she'll destroy anything nice you give her, so I'd skip "nice to give" and "nice to receive" and "nice to have" things. Which means it is up to you to decide what your child actually *needs*. What about some gift certificates for things together, that YOU decide when to redeem? An evening for a rented movie and popcorn on the couch with you. One freebie cancellation of a penalty you gave (to be saved for a time you realize you overreacted). One night when she does not have to eat the prepared dinner but can make herself a PB&J sandwich. That sort of thing. If you make the coupons, and you keep them and decide when they can be used, they could be useful for your relationship. She will see them as benefits from you, you will know that their use eliminated a potential power struggle. Hope that helps!

I'm putting in my two cents' worth, though it's not really worth two cents. I currently parent a child for less than six months with some attachment issues, but not RAD, but I do have teen daughters... But I've not walked in your shoes by any means. What's so bad about the dying hair? I let mine do it, but I have to *approve*. It might actually be a fun bonding activity if you make a spa day appointment for both of you and let her have highlights. That's technically dying hair. And it's fun, and a lot of kids do it at this age (I even did way back when in the '80's!). If you both sit next to each other with neighboring stylists, then have your nails done, it might be a really cool memory thing. I do this every now and then with my girls and they love it! And, BTW, I totally agree with not letting her shave her head... Good luck!

If you let her shave her head, you can bet her list next year will be completely different :woohoo: I'm such a horrible mother - I'd call her bluff :eyebrows: It's not my head. My neice showed me hers and said, "Aunt B, pick what you want to get me and I will mark it off the list so mom and dad won't buy the same thing") I added a 2012 BMW Convertible and crossed it off, she was even excited for a minute :rolleyes: This is what an entitled 13 yr old spoiled little brat's list looks like: ~wireless surround sound (she doesn't like the wires in HER ROOM) ~TV 60" (the one she has in HER ROOM is only 30" and it doesn't have auto netflix, facebook and internet stuff on it, poor baby) ~her own netflix account ~a faster Laptop computer (we can all dream) ~a smarter phone like all her friends have now ~Assorted video games ~pandora charm bracelet with 6 charms specified and Dad can choose the OTHER ones (@20 bucks each) ~Armani Japanese denim jeans (they are like $800) ~Armani duffle jacket (about $500) ~assorted expensive "mall" makeup and perfume ~mani/pedi spa day ~some ugly pair of boots for $300+ Yeah, so me and her dad are ROTFLOAO while her Mom is in a panic that she won't be able to find everything and her brat kid will not be happy and will be disappointed in her..... :confused: I got her one $20 charm. I'm not even going to bother wrapping it. I will just toss it to her and say Merry Christmas. What do I see in your daughters list? -a teen identity struggle, noticing what is out there and practicing making choices while feeling mom and dad out for their responses, possibly with some adoptee spice added. -a frustrated teen I wanna do what I wanna do struggle, and I will give it a shot one more time just in case I get lucky, add spice. It's sort of hard to not think about your mother of origin at Christmas. Mother and blessed baby as one are everywhere being celebrated, everywhere you turn. It can certainly bring up some tender spots - hence the safe fluffy cuddly love you no matter what critters. I'm glad she got you a gift :love:

Sorry -- Somehow I missed your post about her school's policy about the artificial hair color. My kids' school has the same policy, but they're okay with colors that appear natural (aka some highlights are okay). That stinks your Christmas budget is blown because of her behavior and the added expenses of her after-school program. Good luck to you. Sounds tricky.

Actually I don't view your daughter's wish list for Christmas as coming from an "entitled spoiled brat." I see it coming from a teenager...plain and simple, lol. It's the nature of the beast...adolescents can drive any sane person insane! Her gift list doesn't sound all that different than what my 17-year-old niece is requesting for Christmas. For that matter, all my nieces and nephews wanted really expensive tech gadgets and electronics when they were teens. And none of them have RAD.... Maybe you guys could do something special just for the two of you this holiday season...like go out for dinner and a movie just for mother and daughter. My mom used to have monthly "date nights" for us when I was growing up, and I really loved having that special time alone together.

I have one with a rad diagnosis too. He will often specifically ask for things that either he has already had. (for example he wants an ipod touch, however he has had 12 - not exaggerating- MP3 players, he has broken or lost each one, he has gotten one for every single Christmas and birthday for the last six years. He asks for the ipod touch every year, every year he gets an inexpensive MP3 player and has been told that when he can go six months without loosing or breaking it he can have an ipod touch, his record is six weeks) He doesn't need a phone because he doesn't go anywhere without us and he has no friends. He has asked for a puppy. He got a puppy several years ago and no longer has any interest now that it's not a puppy. He is not getting another one. He does not help take care of the dog we have. He will ask for clothes and things that don't meet school dress code. Luckily he also asks for a million other things. With your daughter I would suggest getting her a stuffed puppy or kitten, maybe one of those fur real type animals. Maybe get a box of hair dye in a "natural" looking color, but different from the one she has now, like a darker one if she is blond, or a blond one if she has dark hair, give her the box, or you can give her pictures of two or three different choices. Don't give her the actual dye, until you are ready to do it with her so she will be supervised and won't make a mess. The pictures might be the way to go then you can buy it after she decides, but if she doesn't like any then she is out of luck. No matter what my son gets, he will go back to school and tell anyone who will listen that his sister got everything she wanted and he got nothing he wanted. Even if she got nothing at all and he got everything he wanted. He would still say that, he always does. You could give her a coupon for a date with mom or dad. If she is still a foster kid that is your out on the hair and piercings. You don't have permission to those things. Good luck. Parenting a kid with RAD is hard. They say and do things that may seem normal, but their motivation is not normal and the severity is not normal. My son will purposely ask for things that are not possible just so he can say he didn't get what he asked for. He will choose things that sound reasonable to anyone else. Like a lamp for his desk. Sounds totally reasonable, unless you know that he lost his not once, but twice because he was melting erasers on the light bulb and trying to catch clothing on fire. A radio - again sounds reasonable, unless you know that he had one that was taken away because he was constantly changing stations trying to find songs that had bad words or that were about sex and playing it very loudly and making sure everyone in the house knew what he was looking for. So while those would sound like very reasonable requests for a 12 year old boy, they really are not and he knows it. I have a feeling that this is what the OP is also dealing with. Things that may sound reasonable if you don't know the child and her history.

sorry, I didn't 'get it' in my first post :( I love Diane's suggestion though. Certificates that YOU have control over when they are used. I used to foster 2 RAD kids, and I remember how terrible 'black' the household was due to them being there... I am so sorry you have to go through this, when all you wanted to do, is, being a mom, and open your house to a child in need. as far as gifts go, yes, I remember they destroyed anything anyways, so I went to the dollar store, and bought cheap stuff, like body spray (they were boys), shower gels.. pens, little things like that, so *I* had 'presents' for them, even though the body spray and shower gel were poured down the drain (who was then disassembled, so the bathroom would flood AGAIN), and the pens were taken apart, and thrown in the trash....but at least I had 'gifts'.. so they couldn't go and complain to the bios/CW that they gotten nothing.... HUGS to you and your family!!

We are actually getting some very simple stocking stuffers for her to open on Christmas morning. Things like, her favorite chips that we never buy, some hair ties, a calendar of horses, etc. We will operate under the ruse all day that that is all she is getting. Then, Christmas evening when we are all gathered after dinner, we will pull out her other gifts. We got her a cell phone, but a LIP GLOSS cell phone, we got her nose piercings that are peel and stick, we got her a stuffed animal kitty, etc. etc. And we got her what she really needs, sweaters, a jacket, etc. Nothing too extravagant, I got the clothes at the second hand store. So at least we can say we tried to get her what was on her list.