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Last week my husband and I adopted our two nephews (8,6). Prior to that they lived with us on and off for two years. Their mother (my SIL) lives in another state and only calls them a few times per year. The boys really don't have a strong connection with her. Dad on the otherhand is a real pain in the you know what! Prior to adopting them, we explained to him that we were only comfortable with one visit per month. At the time, he appeared to understand, but recently he has been requesting holiday visits and overnights. I guess at some point, he convinced himself that this was going to be a co-parenting relationship and that we would work together to raise the boys. He refuses to accept the fact that his actions and neglectful behavior caused him to lose his children. He's been sober for about year, has a part time job, new girlfriend BUT he's still playing these passive-aggressive manipulative mind games. Relative adoption is the absolute hardest thing to deal with. As parents, we are doing all the hard work (hours of therapy,school conferences, playdates, homework, sports...ect) and are getting very little support in return. Just want all of my other relative adoption folks to know that YOU ROCK and that you're not alone in your quest to create a stable family while outside relatives try to stir the pot and create unnecessary drama.
....and (just for fun) I would like to wish diarrhea on the father of my nephews! We have loved, provided, and supported your two boys for two years and you still don't appreciate anything that we've done!
xoxo
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Diarrhea :banana: that's awesome!!
I am also involved in a relative adoption BUT, my situation is much different. The family does NOT know we are trying to adopt and for the child's safety WILL NOT know that we have him, as we don't have anything to do with that side of the family. His first, middle and last name will be completely changed and if per chance someone from over there does find out, we are prepared to go above and beyond to protect him. Including relocation
Seeing as how you adopted them, it shouldn't be hard to tell the father of these boys to take a hike!!! If he doesn't like it... Get a restraining order. Obviously its better for the boys to have no contact with him until they are old enough to make their own decisions and choices
Good luck, maybe stock up on laxatives and offer him a milk shake!
I'm sorry - It's really tough when someone has had a substance abuse problem. I think they have a hard time understanding when they get sober that they can't go back and act like it never happened.I'm not sure based on what you wrote if it's better for the boys to not have any contact with him as Kimbergsp suggested but you are the parent and you do get to decide what contact he has. I would start by nicely reminding him of the agreement made and why he doesn't have custody of his children. If he's not threatening the boys and isn't currently a danger, I'd be hesitant to try to get a restraining order. I would reiterate that this isn't co-parenting or shared custody and that due to his prior actions it's not in the boys best interest to have overnight visits.(Maybe you could do it in writing) How do the boys feel about these visits with their bdad? Do they want to visit with him? Is it causing insecurity for them? I'm not sure what mind games he's playing as you didn't describe them, so I don't know if they're affecting the boys or just you. And I'll join you in wishing for peace for your family and the boys.
Your post made me smile. We are petitioning to adopt my grand-nephews who are currently in foster care. We don't even know if we are going to get them yet or not. We have only talked about the possibilities of when they are placed. Their bm is real supportive so far and doesn't want contact with them until they are much older (they are toddlers right now.) My sister (the grandmother) on the other hand has lost her mind. Every decision my husband and I make she thinks she gets a vote. Where we live, whether we change their names, what they will be told early on, etc... I reminded her when adopted they become my children and we will make all the parenting decisions. Long story short she has talked to me in almost two months but spreads rumors. Better for us she stays away then.
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