Sexual exposure

The difficult part to line of sight supervision, is that you HAVE to sleep eventually... Is the adoption already final? Whered you adopt him from? You need to make sure your daughter feels safe as well.. That is a really scary issue. Have baby monitors, sensors, etc. Unfortunately it usually goes to touching next..

Call your adoption agency. If that fails call JCICS and the NCFA. Keep calling until they help. You should be able to find a Spanish speaking therapist - your agency if they work in a Spanish language country should have a listing. Your agency should also be providing support as you would still be within the window of post adoption monitoring. Ask to see the orphanage files. ASK questions until you get answers. Kind regards,Dickons

No advice, really, but just wanted to say I am sorry. I know how long you waited for R to come home. Good luck.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Please don't think this is probably just the end of it. Very likely, it's much more involved. (I'm so sorry to sound so discouraging about this; but I've seen cases similar to yours.) I would hesitate to finalize the adoption. While I know that sounds horrible; 'line of sight' supervision is basically impossible to do. If he were much younger, that would be something else; but given the fact your dd is 9yrs old and he's blatant enough to do his thing in front of her---within 2mos time.....would make *me* very hesitant to keep him in our home. IMO, how safe your 9yr old feels at this point is the most important thing of all. To simply keep him in your home and hope things get better (even if counseling IS acquired), is walking a very fine line. Like I said, 'line of sight supervision' is impossible to do. (As someone noted, at some point, you HAVE to sleep.) And, too often, people want to assume things will get better--and I suppose they could; but in the meantime, your 9yr old and any other children in your home are being exposed to a dangerous situation-now. Please don't put their safety and needs aside. Sincerely, Linny Linny

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Please don't think this is probably just the end of it. Very likely, it's much more involved. (I'm so sorry to sound so discouraging about this; but I've seen cases similar to yours.) I would hesitate to finalize the adoption. While I know that sounds horrible; 'line of sight' supervision is basically impossible to do. If he were much younger, that would be something else; but given the fact your dd is 9yrs old and he's blatant enough to do his thing in front of her---within 2mos time.....would make *me* very hesitant to keep him in our home. IMO, how safe your 9yr old feels at this point is the most important thing of all. To simply keep him in your home and hope things get better (even if counseling IS acquired), is walking a very fine line. Like I said, 'line of sight supervision' is impossible to do. (As someone noted, at some point, you HAVE to sleep.) And, too often, people want to assume things will get better--and I suppose they could; but in the meantime, your 9yr old and any other children in your home are being exposed to a dangerous situation-now. Please don't put their safety and needs aside. Sincerely, Linny

I agree. Since it international adoptee, he came from an orphanage. I'm guessing he's all ready been adopted. Since he's 13 years old, he should know better. I don't think he will stop. Also he might be easing his way to have sex with your daughter. This sound like a huge red flag.

I highly doubt he'd stop as well. I know a family were the son was doing this, and they fell asleep and something sexual happened. They ended up getting criminal charges for not providing appropriate supervision since they were worried something was going to happen due to exposure activity... :( I would be worried...real worried. What an AWFUL situation to be in because I assume it is final due to being international and all the cases I know you finalize prior to bringing them home... Hes only 13.. so long ways till 18 too. Since you are "stuck" with him, Id get him evaluated mentally, and maybe get a record on file of his behaviors...maybe it will lead to RTC.

I've already PM'd the OP, but I just wanted to chime in to say that I agree 1000% with line-of-sight, door alarms, Spanish-speaking counseling, etc--As well as having a VERY direct conversation with all of the other children in the home. But there can be a difference in children who are systematically abused and children who are exposed to inappropriate things in an orphanage. Keep in mind, a 13 year old raised in an orphanage in a developing country is NOT cognitively or emotionally a 13 year old raised in the U.S. In a closed culture like an orphanage, unfortunately, behavior like this can be so typical it's the norm. I'm not saying he didn't know that he shouldn't do it...but two months of "real world" does not erase 13 years. I'm probably a little naive, but I can't imagine writing off a child who has been in the country for 2 months as un-salvageable.

I"m not trying to start any arguement here; but it's not like 'writing him off after two months'. It is----a matter of who's at risk while everyone waits to see if he will change or not. It is----a matter of how many times and how many 'near-misses' it takes to know if he really meant it as it seems, or, was under some impression this was normal where he was and just needs time. This is a time when a family truly has to decide what's best for everyone. Yes, he may change and this may take some time; but how does this pan out for a nine year old who's been innocently drug into all of this---and yes, already abused ? As Mr Spock said, '....the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.' In the case of sexual abuse (and yes, his actions *are* sexual abuse to the 9yr old)......truly, the needs of the many should outweigh the needs of the few. Otherwise, how far does one go? What will constitute 'enough' abuse? My advice would be to find another home for this young man where he is the only child. In this way, his behaviors can be addressed without damaging another child. This should have been a point when the agency was searching for an adoptive home. Sincerely, Linny

No argument from me. I completely agree it's serious and needs to be taken incredibly seriously. I even agree that, personally, I wouldn't knowingly take a child with known abuse/exposure into my home. Especially at his age. But, it would take time to disrupt the adoption...they will have to deal with the behaviors until then. I would just hate for the behavior to be dealt with and resolved by the time a new family was located. I just have gone/going through something similar with a child who has been exposed via orphanage life, and I don't think my kiddo was irreversibly damaged (at least in this particular area). Kiddo is much younger and has more SN going on, which may play a part; the reality was, kiddo had no idea what behavior was inappropriate when he came home. Even behavior that was disturbing to us. So, I obviously am just looking at this situation through my own.

I honestly don't think that disruption is an option in this situation. This family was matched with THIS child for over 7 years and worked that long to complete his adoption (and that of his sister) facing incredible obstacles along the way and had many, many visits etc.BUT that is not what they expected most certainly. I send my prayers because I certainly have no advice. I would not want to be in their shoes for one single moment.

your first priority has to be your daughter and her safety. She has done nothing wrong in this situation. I hate to say it but he is grooming her. He has already started by exposing himself to her and masturbating in front of her. He will begin inviting her to touch and try to get her to touch him. If he gets away with that it can and will get worse. It is just not possible to supervise him constantly. You can't be awake 24 hours a day. At 13 he is well aware of what he is doing. And he obviously knows its wrong to do this since he ran away when caught doing it. He may become more covert about it and become more devious in what he is doing. The question is what is his motivation and where does this stem from? Has he been sexually abused that you are aware of? It is possible that he has been abused and no one is aware of it. You also need to realize that other children in the family and in the neighborhood are at risk in the presence of this child. If he is doing this two months into the placement what will he do after he has had time to become comfortable? I am so so incredibly sad that you are going through this situation. I am sad for your daughter who has been sexually abused by this boy. I feel sorry for the boy who obviously has unresolved issues. I cannot tell you what decision to make but at the same time realize that you cannot save every child. I think in this situation it is your daughter who needs saved.

We've got a similar situation in our house. A 13 year old needs 100% supervision, probably for the next 5 years. The primary victim is 3 years old. He feels bad about what he has done and wants to change, but wanting to change doesn't fix this "urge" that he experiences. He is in counseling but we don't know we'll be able to trust again. We're working hard to train the other kids to scream at any inappropriate suggestion. We do drills occasionally. The 13 year old knows this so he sees a lot of risk in making attempts, at least against his siblings. That kind of supervision is possible with the aid of technology, but it is a big investment. The cheap doorbell alarms that ding on location aren't very effective. A magnet and a piece of tape can keep them from ringing or they can be disabled ahead of time. Besides, parents are unlikely to hear them across the house in the night anyway, especially after becoming desensitized to the sound. 99% of motion alarms are PIR and they are easily defeated with a room-temperature blanket. Expect any orphanage resident to know this. We've found that our former foster kids know it. We're running a hard-wired burglar alarm internally, no siren or external monitoring. The system's control center is in a locked box in our closet. Control panels are on our night stand and by the front door. Wires are in the walls and have tamper detection. Sensors are not visible and redundant. The system tells us what door is open and when it gets shut again. Doors ding during the day and ring at night until someone deals with it. Windows are programmed to ring 24/7 whether the system is armed or not. The system runs on a battery when the power goes out. A DVR video surveillance system complements the alarms so we can monitor from bed when kids make routine trips to the bathroom. That right that makes the whole thing worth it. It took a lot of time and expense to put this all in but I'd do it all again for sure. The video system is occasionally handy for resolving fights and finding missing shoes. I thought I might have to use the video once to defend myself during an investigation when the kid said his chin hurt from when I knocked him down into the floor and pinned him. But then he said I did it because he was trying to kick is brother in the face. The investigator seemed to think that was a good enough reason to restrain a child. There was no mark.

I have no advice, but wanted to send hugs and support to the OP. How horribly unfair for you and the kids to have to face this after your long long journey.

I agree with @ Adoptsis writing him off won't help the situation. Obviously he needs intervention but i believe in the power of love and what is can do. Don't give up on him.