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I am an adult adoptee (age37, not in reunion) that was adopted at 3 weeks by a family of a wife, husband, and his bio son. My aBrother is 9 years older than me and we really have nothing in common. He moved out of the family home at 17 and I really dont have a lot of memories with him. As he was my aDad's bio son I feel that we got treated very different. My aMom (his step-mom) usually goes along with what aDad wanted and still does at this point in time.
My aBrother is extremely self-centered and inconsiderate, but no one in the family questions him or his behavior. He is usually only nice or attentive to any of us when he wants something. My mom even recently partially admitted (although I already knew it was true) that the reason why his bad behavior has been tolerated is because of his kids (age 11 & 14). I guess her and Dad seem to not want to upset him because they are scared that he will not bring the kids by to see them. Our family dynamic was a lot better when he was still married to the kids' mother, but since their divorce a few years ago he has treated Dad, Mom, myself & my spouse like poop. He was living with a woman after his divorce, but that didnt last long term. While he was with her he didnt call the parents or come see them...and was too busy at Christmas to come by.
Now he is living with future ex wife #3 and her 4 year old. We like her...she is my age and nice....but feel bad for her because my spouse and I really feel like she could have done better....she does not know what he is really like. All in all he seems to be happier and a bit nicer to the parents.
I dont want to be involved in him or his drama and my spouse does not like him at all, so we have not seen him since Christmas last year. Mom convinced my spouse and I to make the 3.5 - 4 hr drive to come to the area where they all live to spend the holidays with her and Dad. I really didnt want to spend any time with aBrother over the holidays, but as we wanted to see the kids we agreed to stay for Boxing Day when they are coming to Mom & Dad's. Now Mom has announced that he is also bringing over his future in-laws by then, so everyone can meet. My Bro and his future in-laws live 1/2 hr from our parents. He and his woman have lived together for a year and have been engaged for the last two months. My spouse and I just wanted to be able to stay for Boxing Day and see the kids for a bit since we havent seen them in a year. I know we still can now and it is usually the more the merrier, but my Mom has a really small house so it will be crowded and awkward. I dont know why they couldnt have all met another time.
Yesterday her and I got into a HUGE fight about it. She is free to invite anyone she wants over...its her house, but she knows how my spouse and I feel about my aBrother. We just really wanted things to be kept simple as we were even hesitant about being there when he was there in the first place. It wasnt really my desire to play "happy families" infront of strangers. I told her to quit forcing him on me...and that our decision to stay away from him was a healthy boundry of ours.
I dont want to go there at all now but we are committed and she is trying to pull out the big guilt trip. I know it isnt her and Dad's fault, but we do not feel at all respected. I told her not to plan on having us there next year. How do you deal with a family where you always feel like an outsider and dont get along or have things in common? Should we have to spend time with him just to make my Mom happy?
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MeriAnn, It sucks sometimes but just be thankful you can leave. I have a family member I do my best to avoid and over the years mom has finally accepted that but it has taken a couple of decades for it to sink in. When it is unavoidable I just make sure I am not in close proximity. Perhaps you could start today on a daily exercise regimen where you must take LONG walks every couple of hours, rain, shine, or snow?... Be the kitchen help to stay out of the fray? Or there is that must go to sale on Boxing Day! Or that new movie that just opened you have been dying to see but can't remember the name or whose in it? Trying to lighten your mood but I know it won't help. It's tough and YOU do deserve respect. Next year schedule to be there on alternative days - that's my solution. Take care,Dickons
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If I were you I would make a pact with my spouse that you hug his kids and exit stage right. If he has been a "jackass" and your parents want to "pretend" it's all okay; that's their business. Come a day earlier and leave on Boxing day. Making yourself sick over it just to be polite is not worth the stress.
Keep in mind there are jackasses in all shapes and sizes and pretending they aren't; doesn't get any easier. It happens between blood relatives too.
My birthmother blurted out she doesn't do Christmas. That was a not so veiled message to me. In other words don't think you belong just because it's Christmas. Nice eh?
So my brothers go there and I have been informed that they don't do Christmas. Go figure.
This concept that everyone has to jam together once a year and put on a fake smile is outrageous. If people don't bother with each other any other time but Christmas in my mind it's phony and not worth the effort to "play at being the Happy Christmas family". It's revolting actually.
I am currently faced with yet another Christmas with people who I don't see all year and I have opted out. I am not putting on a fake happy face....simple as that. My daughter and husband will go sans gifts as agreed.
I am planning to cook a turkey and celebrate without gifts because I am the only one working in my immediate family currently and I am sick and tired of the stress of creating this illusion of "splendor". We are fortunate enough to have our health and a roof over our heads.
There are no small children to worry about feeling that Santa has forgotten them. We have done it before and it was scary but guess what; we overcame the fear the stress of buying stuff to make a consumer appropriate Christmas and then cringing waiting for the credit card bill.
Last year we bought a bunch of stuff to give my husband's family and I bit the bullet but not this year. It's reality and hopefully people will get together without the nonsense and focus on the true meaning of Christmas. To me it's being real and enjoying each other and a meal without all the phony hooplah.
Oh, goodness. Yuck! Family or any sort is always hard. I was once at a meeting of chaplains from acute care hospitals and a local hospice. One of the local hospital chaplains asked the hospice chaplains, in all honesty and with no hint of sarcasm, "So, what percent of the families you see are dysfunctional?" Which made every hospice chaplain break out laughing at the same time and proclaim in spontaneous unity, "All of them!"
But, I digress. In my afamily, I'm not in reunion, my aunt, wife to my father's brother, made it clear my entire life, often quite hurtfully, that I was not a member of the family. She however, in all her dysfunction and cruelty, did have a few bits of wisdom that I cherish. One of which is, "visiting relatives and fish ought to be thrown out after three days."
Could you stay with your folks for a few days and then move to a nearby motel for the duration of the visit?
If it was me, I'd be inclined to keep the visit short and manage the boundaries of drama-king brother as best I could. Though it may be tempting, 'cause it perhaps tweaks those old insecure attachment tapes we all carry, to make this about who's in whose corner over the holiday family configurations, it sounds like you all want some level of relationship, even if it's only because of the children. How then can you best accomplish the present day larger common goal?
just a few thoughts which may or may not have some value to your journey....
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Thank you for the responses....its nice to know that I am not all alone in my feelings. This time of year (Nov-Jan) is very stressful for me and it seems to get worse every year. During Christmas I think about my bio family a lot. My bioDad does not know about my existance supposedly(I am product of an affair), but I know about him and my 3 half brothers. Two of the boys are married, one has a baby, and the youngest one has been in a relationship for a few years. Amazing what you can find out about people on the internet. I wonder what they are doing for the holidays...if they are all together...happy....no drama? If I was in reunion with them would they accept me?...invite me for Christmas? Makes me think about and miss people I have never even met.
My spouse and I are going to my aMom's on Sunday, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day so she will see us and spend some time with us. Since I got into a big fight with her I dont even want to do that but had already promised. I had her on speaker phone so my spouse could hear what she was saying...he sat there quietly and shook his head. She is normally really easy to interact with. For me now the problem is instead of being annoyed with my Bro I am annoyed with my mom more I think. The damage is done. Things were said.. and it was like I had a moment where things came clear.
I am not sure our relationship can ever be where it was before. My spouse does not want to be there for Boxing Day, but I told him I wanted to stay long enough for hugs and gift opening with the kids. Then we can head the 4 hr drive home. The stress of it all is just too much.
I couldnt have said it better. I get that Mom wants everyone to be together and happy....even if it is fake. Its hard for me to do that because I am not a phony person and it does make me feel sick and not true to myself. I was willing to sit through a few hours of everyone all together, but when she told me his future in-laws were coming too I just felt like I couldnt do it. He is bringing them by to put on a show for them I believe. He wants to make himself look like King for a day ....and perfect future son in law. I am sure we wont get dollar store gifts this year and he'll probably try to hug us. Phony. Yuck!
It does make me feel very insecure, especially seeing how he is a bio child. I am the one that has had a better relationship with the parents as far as phone calls, spending time together, remembering them on special days, coming to their house for a weekend and doing chores or home repairs, etc. I treat them like they matter...he doesnt. To make things better between my Bro and I the issue has to either be brought out, or we have to ignore it and carry on as we have. I really think he is so self-centered that he doesnt even really know there is an issue. I avoid him and dont say anything to him about it because of my Mom. She doesnt want to take sides, yet she wants me to be quiet and not start a family fight, so I guess it is okay to her if my spouse and I are upset. Must be nice for my Bro to be that high up on the pedestal.
When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed they are not it.
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Season's Greetings!
murphymalone
If I were you I would make a pact with my spouse that you hug his kids and exit stage right. If he has been a "jackass" and your parents want to "pretend" it's all okay; that's their business. Come a day earlier and leave on Boxing day. Making yourself sick over it just to be polite is not worth the stress.
murphymalone
This concept that everyone has to jam together once a year and put on a fake smile is outrageous. If people don't bother with each other any other time but Christmas in my mind it's phony and not worth the effort to "play at being the Happy Christmas family". It's revolting actually.
CherylAnn'56
Though it may be tempting, 'cause it perhaps tweaks those old insecure attachment tapes we all carry, to make this about who's in whose corner over the holiday family configurations, it sounds like you all want some level of relationship, even if it's only because of the children. How then can you best accomplish the present day larger common goal?
It just struck me when I was going to ask you if he was younger or older than you and I went back and re read your initial post...I wonder if he feels a disconnect with your Mom and thereby has decided he has a chip on his shoulder.
It seems to me that if he was there first and already feeling a bit out of the focus of centre and you came along he might have become resentful. I can see that when he was a kid but everyone is an adult now. Time to grow up and put on his big boy panties like the rest of us have to.
I know I have swallowed some choice statements over the years that stem from feeling a disconnect to try to be mature....we all do. But taking advantage of people as an adult is not excused by how we felt as children.
I wonder if he is even capable of hearing that you have your insecurities about things too.
I don't know...just a thought. Anyway know that you aren't the only one who has some warts in the family dysfunction. The whole concept of everyone being in a "happy snappy Christmas glow" makes my teeth ache.
I don't think anyone is really at all. And the ones that are completely manic at this time of year in Christmas sweaters with organized Christmas activities make me run screaming in the opposite direction much like people who salivate at baby showers, tupperware parties and cheerleading activities.