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Hi Everyone,
I am the Mom of an adopted daughter, met her at 11, formally adopted at 14, now approaching 18 years old. It has been one hell of a journey. She is currently living in a restrictive group home placement, due to safety and legal issues. This journey has not "ruined my life", but it has surely been the most difficult of roads. As I went through the years I had to change careers due to the constant crisis management, and even in much less demanding roles, I struggled to perform, and my boss and colleagues became impatient over how many times I had to leave early to deal with issues around my daughter.
I was often very puzzled as to my daughter's destructive behavior, out of control emotions, inability to empathize with others or truly care for anyone but herself. I had to start educating myself deeply to try and understand. While we all are well aware of the psychological issues that arise from abuse, neglect abandonment etc., I increasingly began to understand that those things actually impacted the development of the brain, and that behind those destructive emotions and behaviors, there might lie otherwise invisible deficits and disabilities in brain function.
To try and understand at a deeper level, I read many books and finally want back to school to get a post-graduate certificate in neuroscience. I now understand that attachment is not only a psychological construct, but a brain system. When not activated correctly, enduring deficits result. However, neuroplasticity holds out hope that we may one day figure out how to restore or optimize brain functioning in our children. We already know that the best shot many of our kids have is to have a permanent, loving and unconditional family. We also know that many times this is not enough, and cannot change some fundamental things.
I think that if adoptive families were to be educated in some of these disabilities, such as difficulty in regulating emotion, that we would be able to see negative behavior in a different context, rather than just being difficult or oppositional. If our children had diabetes, the first thing we would do would be to educate ourselves on what it is, or what was the best way to treat it. We owe it to our children to understand that sometimes their brain functioning, designed to survive in a hostile world, does not serve them well in a safe, loving and secure world.
My daughter herself is often upset and confused about her own behavior. She has a lot of self-hatred that started in her abusive past and is perpetuated by the constant trouble she finds herself in, brought on by her own actions. i am trying to help her to understand some of the physical challenges she is up against, rather than just blaming herself and labeling herself as a bad kid. The more educated we are, both parents and kids, the more we can support our children through their very difficult journey, and not take things personally, no matter how hard that is sometimes!
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holdoutforhope
...My daughter herself is often upset and confused about her own behavior. She has a lot of self-hatred that started in her abusive past and is perpetuated by the constant trouble she finds herself in, brought on by her own actions. i am trying to help her to understand some of the physical challenges she is up against, rather than just blaming herself and labeling herself as a bad kid. The more educated we are, both parents and kids, the more we can support our children through their very difficult journey, and not take things personally, no matter how hard that is sometimes!
I appreciate your comments and I agree with you...though like you, I didn't realize the full impact on the brain until well within and post-loss of children we knew.
There is one issue that still stands out as a problem in problematic older child adoptions: The system itself, while telling hopeful adoptive people they will *be there* for them should the child's placement develop dangerous issues.....simply 'disappear' in most situations.
The system too often chooses to abandon the families it helped create and simply isn't there to provide any type of support-long term---for those children and families who need it the most.
Ever try to place a child in residential housing----even when other children/animals are in danger of being killed? Most people aren't successful in doing this, nor do they have the funding to help. And once again, the system is not a reliable resource to come alongside families to assist them in maintaining the new parental ties, while allowing the family to remain safe.
Why can't the system allow hopeful adoptive parents the opportunity to *stay connected* with the children who are so dangerous----while *assuring the parents* those same children will not have to come back into the home? Many RTC's can tell early on whether the child will want to learn to heal or, stay stuck in the mire of doubt, suspicion and dangerous lifestyles.
I suspect I'm preaching to the choir; but having lived some horrific times with very dangerous and destructive kids, I'm thinking things would have been so much better IF we'd have had the support and help we so desparately needed from the system.
Sincerely,
Linny
Howdy
Wow, you sound like you are truly an awesome "turn lemons into lemonade" type of person. That must have been very hard to deal with career demands and good for you for going back to school!
My daughter also has a lot of self-hatred and feeling bad about her behaviors (though she is becoming more healed and having less of a struggle, really pretty normal for extended stretches of time -- my idea of normal might be broad by now, ha).
Linny
I appreciate your comments and I agree with you...though like you, I didn't realize the full impact on the brain until well within and post-loss of children we knew.
There is one issue that still stands out as a problem in problematic older child adoptions: The system itself, while telling hopeful adoptive people they will *be there* for them should the child's placement develop dangerous issues.....simply 'disappear' in most situations.
The system too often chooses to abandon the families it helped create and simply isn't there to provide any type of support-long term---for those children and families who need it the most.
Ever try to place a child in residential housing----even when other children/animals are in danger of being killed? Most people aren't successful in doing this, nor do they have the funding to help. And once again, the system is not a reliable resource to come alongside families to assist them in maintaining the new parental ties, while allowing the family to remain safe.
Why can't the system allow hopeful adoptive parents the opportunity to *stay connected* with the children who are so dangerous----while *assuring the parents* those same children will not have to come back into the home? Many RTC's can tell early on whether the child will want to learn to heal or, stay stuck in the mire of doubt, suspicion and dangerous lifestyles.
I suspect I'm preaching to the choir; but having lived some horrific times with very dangerous and destructive kids, I'm thinking things would have been so much better IF we'd have had the support and help we so desparately needed from the system.
Sincerely,
Linny
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I don't know of any advocacy groups and the one I was aware of who had a very good attachment therapist, was almost 'blackballed' by the DCF at that time. You are correct when you write the system is VERY powerful, indeed! And the thing is, few, if any of the workers and especially the *higher-ups* have little to no knowledge of what it's like to live with a RAD child or one with significant attachment issues.
The main reason I believe they choose to become agreessive and threatening (and yes, our own family has BTDT too)....is because in order to ADMIT the child has issues too far gone to remedy would mean the system is partially or totally responsible for the child's behaviors to begin with.
How long does it take for our society to see some people should NEVER BE parents to begin with? How long will it take for our society to see 'just having a baby does NOT make someone a mother or father'??? (And yet, even our verbage of 'birthmother' or 'birthfather' is automatic when talking about families---whether 'healthy' or dysfunctional'....adoption or foster care. How wrong is that????)
Additionally, our society believes young children can be tossed around from biological to foster home for years---even though the laws are written this is not to be! Few, VERY few states ahere to this law because it's just too----much work and goes against the myth??
Why is it so hard to simply say, 'You screwed up, you continue to screw up; shouldn't be allowed to do XYZ to your child and so, you-are-done!'
But it SO seldom works like this. Instead, the children suffer while the system pats itself on the back saying, 'Look! We reunited this family! Forget we also have to constantly check in on them because we know alcohol or drugs or sexual abuse is still very likely...but hey, look! They're with biological folks, right?
How wrong is that!!!. It's shameful and disgusting and down-right sick. Yet, try to explain that to society in general and they'll STILL believe 'children should stay with biological people---at ALL COSTS!"
I honestly don't think it will matter how many tests show 'dividing children' is hurtful to the child; or how many sexually or physically abusive biological people can be------our society just can't get beyond the myth that 'giving birth means the person is a mother/father'.
Maybe to think otherwise would mean 'blood is only as deep as basica genetics' and for some, that's a very scarey way of thinking.
Okay....vent over. As you can see, this is such a lightening bolt issue for me. I've personally seen the damage the system has caused to innocent babies, children and the 'non-biological mothers and fathers' who've truly tried and BEEN the momma and daddy with no support from the system.
Sincerely,
Linny
PS....Please don't waste time feeling like a failure as a parent. Because you know you did the best you could, means just that. The damage was already there prior to your loving and care for the child. Someone walked away after the damage was done while *you* volunteered to help make a child whole.
Not fair; but a job you were willing to take on and try to remedy--unlike the system.