Husband and I disagree on visits - advice??

What if a visit happened with JUST your daughter, her bps, and you (or DH) at a neutral, public location? I guess it might be different b/c you are relatives, but when I visited with my son's bps, it was always in a public location (restaurant/park/playplace), and I never brought my other kids with me. What does your daughter say? Does she have any interest in seeing her bps? At 7, I would take my child's opinion into consideration. If she is not interested, I wouldn't schedule a visit. If she is interested, I would schedule a visit using the parameters above-- public location, just you (or DH), DD, and her bp(s). Set it for a time that you know you'd have to leave after an hour or so because you'd have to go do XYZ. As far as a using addict being around a child, if the behavior is, and has always been appropriate, it wouldn't bother me. Most addicts are going to be way more appropriate if they have their drug of choice in their system rather than if they tried to be clean for 2-3 days so they could have a visit. Good luck.

Did you have any involvement with an agency or CPS even just to do your HS when you adopted? Would there be any way to use a center or room at the agency for a visit? At the agency we used, there was a family room where sometimes bparents and aparents had visits if there wasn't anywhere else appropriate (mainly when aparents were only in state to pick up their child, but I think they said we could use it later if we needed to).

First I want to say that if you and your husband dont agree then I think you need to not have any visits until you discuss it more. His reasoning that biomom is clean now so its a good time for a visit makes sense to me, especially if you think she may relapse and you dont want her around if she is using. One of our biomoms is an addict and we do let her visit. If she were off her drug of choice for a few days she would be so sick she wouldnt be able to walk, let alone be around our boys BUT if she is obviously impaired she isnt allowed to see the boys. The times she visits our 6 yr old remembers laughing and playing together. He has fun with her and I am hoping that when he gets older he will have those memories of her to share with his little brother who is too young to remember her. Her visits normally last 30-45 minutes (then she starts getting shaky and sick and has to go) and they are very sporadic. She may show up 3-4 times in a month and then not call us for 6 months.

Personally I wouldn't allow any visits until you and your husband are on the same page. It will only cause a rift in your marriage and if you take your daughter to see her biomom because hubby wants you to you may feel some resentment towards you hubby. Communication in the key and setting boundaries you both can agree with. If biomom is truely drug free you can give her a stipulation that you will meet in a public place (park, mcdonalds playland, etc...) and give her rules such as she can't come under the influence, can't bring anyone else, etc....and make it clear to her the rules. If she breaks the rules she is not allow visits. My SIL was a big user, ended up in prison for drugs and running from parole and that's how we ended up adopting her then 6 yr old daughter. She is my husbands half sister and they grew up together. My husband is a big antidrug person (having grown up in a home where it was prevelant) and left home to join the Navy and changed his complete life from what his siblings ended up as. He refuses any visits from her even though she claims to be off the stuff. She lives across country so visits are impossible but he wouldn't allow it even if she lived close. I am respecting him for that decision (cause I know it's hard). Just don't feel guilty for not allowing visits and don't put the needs of biomom in place of the needs of your daughter. Always put the child first. You can always try phone visits and start of small and work your way to physical visits if you feel comfortable.

Because she is coming out clean, now would be the best time for a visit. It doesn't have to be at your house, it can be a neutral location. I would suggest doing it really soon because in a week or more, she could be back on drugs.The truth is that you would be able to get some pictures of her with BioMom and those may be only pics she will ever have of her not on drugs. Sad but true. As long as he is doing drugs, no visits. No child needs to be around someone who is using. Now might be a good time to write down the rules for future visits. There are many threads on the forums about OA and visit rules from posters in similar circumstances to yours. This way, Bio Mom knows that if she goes back to drugs, she will be giving up any chances of seeing your daughter again.

You and your husband can sit down with the seven year old and explain what's happening. You don't need to go into graphic details but be honest. Ask her if she wants to see her biological mother or father. Tell her it's her choice and that no matter what she chooses you will support her because you love her. Prior to setting up a visit if she chooses to visit her have a meeting with which ever of them decides they want to see her. Lay it out clearly. Tell them that they need to make a choice because you aren't going to put this child through any further torment to appease them. I believe you need to decide based on the responses you get from both of them. If you see any indication that the adults are using during the visit simply inform them after the visit that you will be contacting the police. This child doesn't need to be on yo yo status with these people. When she is old enough to make decisions for herself you can allow her to do so. In the meantime, if she feels the need to see them let her under certain parameters. The last thing you want to do is to cause anxiety in her by making this an issue. Explain the addiction is an illness which makes people choose to do things that might seem selfish but it's the addiction and has nothing to do with her.

I don't think leaving it up to a 7 yr old is a good idea. They will feel guilty if they say NO and alot of kids feel obligated (my daughter was a kid just like that) to keep their parents happy even if they were making bad choices. They feel bad if they let their parents down. Kids love their parents no matter what at that age and that's big decision. I just wouldn't leave an adult decision to a child. But that's just my opinion. Now my 13 yr old is more mature, can handle things much better in regards to her biomom so at this age I would let her make that decision and she adamantly (after living here for 7 yrs) does not want to see her biomom. Does the child have a therapist/counselor? I asked alot of these type of questions to my daughters therapist so I was not one sided and had an objective opinion on how it would affect her.

I agree. When dson was 7, we decided. He is almost thirteen and his decision is no. DH had to get pretty firm with MIL as she did not agree--I hope she understands now it's not about her. If you don't agree, then it needs to be no for now. You can be more open later, but it's hard to close things down. Hope you find peace for the two of you.

Its a tough call at 7. I let J have a say, but I guided it, if that makes sense. It was important for her to have some control over her life But back to the original question: like hkolln, I adopted a addicted relative kiddo. We have an oa. One of the toughest steps is processing/getting through your anger/disappointment. You need to do that for you and for your kiddo. if you can't, it'll show. you risk forcing them to choose when they grow up Believe me, i know its not easy. But its important Once you can do that, a public, supervised visitation with clear boundaries is in order. That means who can be there, how frequent, what happens if she shows signs of impairment, who bears the cost, where thee visit happens, what are taboo subjects of discussion, etc, etc. if that can't be agreed to, there's no visit.

My first thought is why does your husband think it is alright? As a Mom I understand your perspective, and it is all about protecting the child/children. After all you are the one to have more to lose then your husband, because it is your brother. What is his reasoning?

The reason I say talk to the 7 year old is because there is a pretty good chance they will pick up on the innuendo anyway. I am adopted. I remember things that no one thought I would and my ears would perk up. If the child grows up to find out that a decision was made regarding her contact with her biological family and no effort was made to include her then I guarantee there will be some effect. Either a lack of trust or resentment could occur. To me it's worth taking the time. Especially if these people are related and there is a very good chance discussion will occur between the extended family. Kids pickup on things and the worst possible thing is to deny or lie about a situation because eventually the truth comes out. Talking to the child about it doesn't negate the responsibility to protect the child. There is a huge difference and nothing is written in stone. As the child matures there will be a base to start a dialogue. Pretending the situation is totally under one person's control is outrageous. It isn't. There are other members of the family who could have opinions etc and a rift could start.

My problem with letting a 7 yr old make a decision about visits is that a 7 yr old can not do pros/cons and make objective decisions at that age. I can remember when our daughter was 6, moved here and had "phone" visits due to the distance. Biomom would call and tell her about her boyfriends, her and her boyfriends fights, and her alchohol use and getting arrested for DV. If I had asked her if she wanted to continue conversations she would have said a definite YES because she loved her Mom and wanted her Mom to be happy (which meant contact with her). I did not feel it was appropriate to put her in the place of making an adult decision when I knew she'd be torn. It just was not fair. Her biomom tried to friend her on FB awhile back...my daughter came to me and asked how to block her...I spoke to her about it and let her know it was her decision. She had just turned 13 and I knew she was smart and old enough to determine what her biomom was about. We did eventually block her...I did not get anger towards me from our daughter...I got anger towards me from her biomom via IM so I had to block her too. The best thing is to have open communication and do it age appropriately.

I agree that the final decision should be viewed from the perspective of protecting the child from situations that put the child at risk. Discussing the matter with the child opens the door for questions and feelings that may or may not arise. I'm glad to hear there things worked out for you. However, in this case it sounds like things could be complicated by extended family. It can't hurt to inform the child about what's going on because inadvertently there could be comments that will expose what people may choose to hide to protect the child. I believe in revealing what needs to be revealed in an age appropriate way. You are right about that. Many times people make assumptions that it's "better" for the child to be "protected"; than to tell the truth. It's not necessary to make judgments about the situation in your explanation. It's possible to keep it simple enough that the child can understand without going into graphic detail. Hiding the truth is never a great idea. It has a way of coming out in the end. It's much easier to help a child process loss in graduated steps with honesty than to have the issue drop out of nowhere with no preparation.

I agree with many that you and your hubby need to be in agreement. I also agree that you need to find a way to deal with your anger, that while justified, isn't healthy to hold onto long term.I also think that letting a 7 year old in this situation make the decision may not be the best idea, but it would depend on the 7 year old. I'd probably make the decision myself and then have a conversation about why you made the choice you did. If that choice is not to allow a visit, then explain why and that it has nothing to do with her.If you do have a visit, I'd make it a public place away from your other children. Let it be just about her and them. Okay - for the big question on whether or not a using addict should be around your children. I think that every decision we make teaches, it sends a message. Sometimes we get to think about what message we want to send, this is one of those times. When you allow a person on drugs to be around your child, you're telling them that this behavior is okay. No matter what words you use, your actions speak louder and they scream, it's okay to do this. At least that's my opinion.In your situation, I'd be open to letting bmom have a visit in a public location and I'd set expectations, as mentioned above. Visitation a privilege at this point because they lost their right to parent because of their actions. With priviliges come responsibilty, and to me that means not being under the influence. I'd have a talk with your brother and explain that you are not going to allow visits as long as he's actively using, and you dont' mean just not using that day. You mean that he needs to get clean. You mentioned that he looks like a drug addict. Is that because of his eyes, his mannerisms, he's not clean? Or is it just his choice of clothes and hair style? Just be sure you're not judging his choice of style instead of his actual drug use, that won't sit well later with your neice.