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My brother is out of prison (again) and is calling and speaking with me and the kids. He doesn't call them by name, just "my daughter" this and "my daughter" that.
"S" is going through a teenage phase, grades dropping, liking different music, wanting to wear black.
My brother spoke with her and then casually told me how he is handling it. Not in so many words, but he is on the case.
He said something negative about "not going for" her wearing all black clothes and got my back up.
I said something about her being with us for almost 5 years and got offended.
The funny thing is that I haven't bought her all black clothes and don't know if I intend to...
I know enough to know that I shouldn't care what he thinks and based on his history, he most likely will be in prison in less than a year anyway.
Has anyone else dealt with this? How did you handle it?
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I have not gone through what you are describing, just wanted to lend my support. That would be super irritating! The worst thing I have gone through is comments that sound like I'm just babysitting for 18 years and then she will be mom. :grr:
If it's not affecting your daughter, I think you may just want to ignore it. Most likely this renewed interest will wane but if you butt heads with him he may just keep on to spite you.
It gets old. We do all the heavy lifting and they think they can breeze in and be the mom or the dad. :grr:
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Once in a conversation with my sons' mother she DID call me the babysitter. At that point the boys had been in foster care for 3 years and then adopted by for 3 years. I think a firm "You are not parenting her and her dad and I make those decisions" is a simply response. It is incredibly frustrating -- and will be made worse during the teen years as your kids are very liable to lash out at YOU their parents, because you are their safe people and idealize their absent parent because that is easier than facing the truth.
I know that you want to keep your relationship with your brother, if only so that your children have some contact with their birthfather.
However, it is very important that your children see you and your spouse as parents, and not as someone who is fostering, babysitting, or coparenting. If your brother insists on talking to the children as if he were their parent, you will have to make it clear to him, even if he is offended, that he no longer has that right. If he continues to undermine your parental authority, you may need to let him know that it will not be tolerated, and that you may have to reduce his contact with his birthchildren.
Meanwhile, do make every effort to find out what's really going on with your teen. When grades drop and behavior changes dramatically, there's usually a reason that is not just a matter of becoming an adolescent. Adoption issues could be triggering depression, and some therapy might be in order. The use of drugs or alcohol to "self-medicate" is common when teens are depressed or angry, and is often implicated when grades drop, so be very alert to possible substance abuse. Wearing black and listening to certain types of rock music can be totally benign; however, these behaviors can also signal feelings of depression, low self-esteem, anger, and so on.
Sharon
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oh yeah, BTDT. My cousin still refers to J as "my J" 3 years after she moved in :grr:
Part of the problem is learning to ignore him..
but a big part of it going away, month after month, as we grow as a family.. regardless of what my cousin says. my DH is the one she comes to when she's tired or upset.. even when my cousin is in the room.
he is ever so slowly becoming insignificant
hang in there!!!