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Im not an adoptive parent, but IҒm having similar problems and hope you guys can offer some advice. I'm trying to help my aunt who is caring for her almost 13 year old granddaughter while the mom is in prison. The dad is mentally ill and completely estranged. My husband and I are getting pressured by extended to take her since my aunt is having serious health problems.
The 13 year old (my cousin) is a nightmare and is being verbally abusive to her grandmother (her dads mom.). I have two daughters (2 and 4) and I donҒt want them around their cousin unless her behavior is under control, but she either lives with us or goes to foster care (likely a group home). Everyone sees the path that this girl is going down, and feels like someone needs to step up and do something, but our family is the one they want to do it.
Shes been in therapy, but it hasnҒt been helping and there are a lot of past family issues to deal with and theres a lot of negative feelings and things my cousin has heard from her parents. Honestly, itҒs also trying to get her to accept that her parents are wrong and have put some really stupid ideas into her head (like negativity about psychiatric drugs from her dad) and what is or isnt acceptable behavior (swearing, for instance).
Her grandma was appointed guardian by the mom before she went to prison, but my cousin doesnҒt recognize her grandma or us as being in charge or being parents. Her mom is more of her BFF than a parent also.
The mom has 2.5- 4.5 more years to serve, so this is a longer term situation, but we feel more like babysitters. The mom is definitely not on-board with supporting us or the grandma in parenting. My husband went to talk to her last week and it was just more arguing. We are on completely different pages in terms of appropriate behavior, values and rules for a 13 year old.
The mom being way too involved is one of the major issues. My cousin has contact with her mom in prison through weekly phone calls and regular emails. There also have been monthly visits. Is that too much? She's very aware of what's happening with her mom, worries about what is happening to her and is very anxious when she doesn't get an email that something bad happened. She also will complain to her mom about any thing shes gotten in trouble for and her mom will overrule us or her grandma or tell her she can do things we donҒt approve of.
Would it be better for her to be in non-relative care since there are so many family issues? I wonder if this can ever work.
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Sometimes it might be better to be with a non-relative.
You mentioned a few things that set alarms off for me:
Honestly, its also trying to get her to accept that her parents are wrong
this is a losing battle. :grr: You can never tell a child their parents are wrong, bad, misguided. it only shows you to be "against them"
but my cousin doesnҒt recognize her grandma or us as being in charge or being parents
thats a problem with guardianship. her GM is NOT her parent... not legally. she is a person who has rights to sign papers and set rules, but her BM's role is not terminated
The mom has 2.5- 4.5 more years to serve
i know you're venting, but kids are amazing quick to pick up on these sorts of judgments. if the girl feels people are tolerating her being there, counting down the days, it will not help them bond
The mom being way too involved is one of the major issues
probably. if you read much on the relative subforum, boundary setting is a HUGE requirement. sounds like few to none are set here
her BM is definitely triangulating here. If no boundaries can be set, i definitely think the girl needs to move
As to where.. it sounds like you don't feel you can do so and keep your kiddos safe. That means you can't take her. If there are no other relatives, then yes, foster care makes sense
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wren24
Honestly, its also trying to get her to accept that her parents are wrong and have put some really stupid ideas into her head (like negativity about psychiatric drugs from her dad) and what is or isnҒt acceptable behavior (swearing, for instance).
Honestly I don't think this is a good idea. You are trying to get the child to pick sides when kids love their parents unconditionally. I would never put my daughter in the place to do this. I model correct choice and stability and make it a teaching moment but never tell her that her parents were wrong. I let her know there are choices we make in life that lead us down the wrong path but never tell her that her parents are bad. Even though I don't like her biomom or biodad for what they put her through doesn't mean she doesn't love them. Try not to be so judgemental in your thoughts on them and model positive behaviour and choices. They pick that up!!! :)
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wcurry66
this is a losing battle. :grr: You can never tell a child their parents are wrong, bad, misguided. it only shows you to be "against them"
The crazy stuff she's picked up from her parents is causing many of the problems. We can't exactly tell her that they're right because they're absolutely, totally wrong and harming her and resulting in much of her behavior problems.
Her psychiatrist has prescribed several medications, but she won't take them since her dad has filled her head with all sorts of biased information against them, including that if she takes them she's no longer her self.
The social worker her grandma has been working with asked about medications, and as soon as she learned she wasn't being medicated, it was like "ah, ah!" that's the solution. There's the possiblity if she does end up in foster care, they're going to put her in some sort of in-patient treatment to get her stabilized on medications first if she refuses to take the medications.
After everything her dad has told her about being hospitalized, she will absolutely, without a doubt run at the first chance she has before being sent to a place like that.
I also hate to have my aunt have to make that choice since her son had a very difficult time when placed in in-patient treatment and mental hospitals. When the dad was about 17, his mom (the grandma) called the police during one of his violent outbursts and had them deal with him. They placed him in a facility where he was sexually assaulted by another patient. That's where he was when his daughter was born.
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wren24
The crazy stuff she's picked up from her parents is causing many of the problems. We can't exactly tell her that they're right because they're absolutely, totally wrong and harming her and resulting in much of her behavior problems.
You don't have to tell her they're right, but telling her they're wrong isn't going to get her to listen to you. As hkolln said, you can model good choices; you can also set and enforce expectations in your home. But insight isn't necessarily the answer. Kids (and adults) will generally change their behaviors if the rewards of doing so/ consequences of not are significant enough to them.
You can set boundaries and standards - both with her and with her mom. If you are considering having her live with you, you may want to consider letting both her and her mom know what the rules and expectations will be - and letting mom know that it is not negotiable, and she either needs to back your rules or you will not be able to have her daughter in your home. I'm guessing mom doesn't want her daughter in foster care, so that may give you some leverage.
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wren24
The crazy stuff she's picked up from her parents is causing many of the problems. We can't exactly tell her that they're right because they're absolutely, totally wrong and harming her and resulting in much of her behavior problems.
I don't think anyone here told you to say they were right. Obviously they made bad choices or they'd have custody of the child. What we are saying is you should model positive behaviour and use them as an example on how to make GOOD choices. Life is all about choices and making good ones. That determines where you life goes.
If you knew our daughter past you'd die. Her bioparents fled with her to Mexico and hid out there with her while 2 mexican men (including biodad) abused her at age 4-6. So, I do know where you are coming from. I want to kill her biodad for hurting her and I want to hurt her biomom for allowing him to do these things. It was not a pretty picture...but even after all that she loves them. She understands now at age 13 it was terrible choices and her bioparents did not keep her safe however she still very much loves them. On her own she is coming to realization after realization about what not to do with her life and that she is in a great place right now and safe. She is in extensive therapy and has been since age 6. It's not easy being unbiased...Lord if anyone knows I do...but you have to understand that children love their parents no matter how terrible they may be.
If you act like her bioparents are bad you may alienate her from you. You have to go about it in a positive way which is to use them as examples of what never to do and model the right way to go about choices, etc...
Believe me, it's not easy, I have cried myself to sleep at night not understanding why a so called parent would put their child in harms way however trying to force them to go one way or another is not a good choice. Be there for her to have a soft place to fall. Let her know you love her no matter what and show her better choices to make. When she gets older she may realize the truth however she needs to find that out on her own.
I've found, thru my experience, that it's best not to dwell on the past but focus on the future and helping guide the child in a better direction then the bioparent. Set boundaries and stick to them with bioparents. We used to have phone visits (we live across country from biomom and biodad is in prison for 10 yrs) but we cut that out when inappropriate conversations happened. We made it clear on what was appropriate and what we did not tolerate and stuck to it. Try and be that positive rock in all the turmoil for the child. I guarantee they will come to you realizing you never judged them nor their bioparents.
Good luck!
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Thanks for all of the advice, everyone. You've given me a lot to think about.
hkolln
I've found, thru my experience, that it's best not to dwell on the past but focus on the future and helping guide the child in a better direction then the bioparent. Set boundaries and stick to them with bioparents. We used to have phone visits (we live across country from biomom and biodad is in prison for 10 yrs) but we cut that out when inappropriate conversations happened. We made it clear on what was appropriate and what we did not tolerate and stuck to it. Try and be that positive rock in all the turmoil for the child.
We absolutely have to set boundaries with biomom and that's going to be a challenge. Honestly, the almost 13 year old is the more mature and responsible of the two.
When my husband went to talk to the mom last week, and it turned into her blaming him and completely exploding.
Rather than trying to work with us, she said she was going to find one of her friends to give guardianship of her daughter to. Last summer giving the grandma guardianship was a last resort because there wasn't anyone else, but I'm not sure the legal stuff involved and whether she can just give one of her drug addicted friends guardianship. Things like home studies aren't involved in guardianships, but I hope there's some oversight.
It's hard for us to be the positive ones, when we're constantly the ones wanting to set rules, boundaries, consequences and so forth and her mom is the one telling her she can do whatever she wants and our rules are stupid and all the negative things that have happened in the past and why she shouldn't listen to us or her grandma.
Her mom blames everyone else for her problems. She doesn't even accept responsibility for what she did that landed herself in prison, and blames everyone else involved, her lawyer, police and the prosecutor. So it's hard for her daughter to see things as they are rather than the way her mom spins them.
I suppose if we we wanted to, we could refuse phone calls from her mom, cut-off the email service and stop taking her to visits. But here would be one heck of a backlash from both of them if we did that.
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