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My wife and I have been waiting for a match for 4 years. When she first told me that she could never have children, I wasn't sure about it. It took me a year to be comfortable with the idea and decide I would be completely happy with my own or adopted children. I felt that way for 5 years, now I don't at all. Two months ago we met with a sibling pair, a 4 year old girl and a 6 year old boy. It was our first time meeting potential children. My wife could hardly hold back her tears, but I wasn't feeling anything. They were great kids but all I could think about was that I didn't want to bring them home and that I didn't want to be raising someone else's children. They looked exactly like my wife, very light blonde hair, blue eyes, fair skin, bright pink lips. Which made me feel more like they wouldn't be my own. Now all I've been able to think about is that I do not want to adopt, I want my own biological children. I haven't talked to my wife about it because it is her biggest fear. Obviously our marriage won't work if I want biological children and she cannot have them. We were told (she asked) that she would not be approved for adoption if she were single. Due to personal reasons and she works 12 hour shifts (I work from home). So there is a part of me that feels guilty because not only would I be ripping the marriage away, but also her chance at children. She could meet someone else, but because of personal problems it's sort of unlikely. (She'd tell you that as well). Cold feet or did seeing the children knock some sense into me? I didn't get cold feet before our wedding, I knew I wanted to marry her. I feel like, I want to want to adopt but I just don't anymore.
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Before you both procede down the road to adotpion, you must hammer out the differences you both have about children. You will need to come to some resolution about wanting to have biological children if you want your marriage to continue. Find a local counselor so that someone not personally involved can help you figure out what the issues are.
I'm not sure I understand your comment about adopting as a single person. If you mean that you wold be married and only she would adopt the children, you are correct that they do not allow that. As a married couple, you would both be adopting. if however, you were no longer married, she could adopt as a single person. Some agencies do not do single adoption, but there are plenty who do.
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I would be deeply concerned about bringing any children into a marriage that is already on shaky ground. Children, especially children adopted from foster care, bring enormous stress into a family. If you are unsure about your commitment to the relationship now, things will not get better if when you add children.
I am a little unsure as to why you are so certain you can go on to have biological children in another relationship. Most, women want a commitment deeper then, "if you have my biological children I will stay married to you."
Infertility can put stress on any relationship. However, I think you need to make a your marriage your focus right now. Either stay married or don't. However, I would not bring kids into the family until you are more sure about things. I also think entering another relationship for the sole purpose of having biological children, as opposed to wanting a relationship with the person herself, is a bad idea.
Well several things, I don't think the first time you meet a kid it has to be "fireworks" and instant attachment. Your wife's reaction might be more about the possible realization of something long wished for then the "kids" themselves (not that they weren't wonderful). So if you are basing this on that one interaction then I would suggest you speak with other adoptive fathers and read books about bonding and attachment. It's a process for both parent and child in my opinion. That said, if that isn't the issue and just really want biological children (no judgement) there are certainly ways for that to happen via donor eggs your sperm or donor eggs surrogate and your sperm. There is literature that suggests that men more bond via biology so maybe you are one of those guys again no judgement. Now the above is not cheap and your wife might not be on board but it certainly something to discuss with her.It seems you are jumping to a conclusion that your marriage needs to be over without giving both of you a chance to get on the same page or you an opportunity to try to process how attachment happens. Perhaps it shows other issues in the marriage or that you are pragmatic about your wife's reaction? Note that single people (not married or divorced) can and do adopt children it just often takes longer.Good Luck.
Wait a minute: you don't think you want "someone else's" children, she couldn't be approved if single and because she has personal problems no one else will ever want her?
Your home and the state of your marriage is the exactly wrong place for these children in my opinion. Kids need someone to fully commit to them. The way you are talking about your wife makes it sound like you are looking for a way out and using adoption as an excuse. I would recommend finding a good counsellor for both of you to fully explore what's right for the two of you. I would not bring children into it until then...they deserve better.
You definitely need to be fully committed to adoption if you are going to pursue it. No child should ever be in a home where one or both parents see them as a second best option to biological children. Even the way you phrase things ("completely okay" with adoption and "my own or adopted") says you may never have been terribly enthusiastic about adoption. It's commendable that you want to ensure that your wife is able to have the children she so desperately wants, but you will not be helping either her or the children by going into something you are only okay with, rather than fully committed. I would second the suggestion of counseling, either (or both) for you alone or for you and your wife together, to start sorting out your feelings and needs around kids and (if necessary) your marriage.
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1. If your wife would not qualify to adopt as a single person, she also won't qualify to adopt as a married person. As an example, if she has a history of psychiatric hospitalizations or drug rehab, she can't be approved, whether she is married or single.
2. If your wife wants to adopt and you don't want to raise someone else's kids, your homestudy will never be approved. Homestudy workers make every effort to ensure that approved couples have both spouses "on the same page about adoption.
3. It seems to me that you need to pursue couples counseling. If you decline to adopt, your wife will be sad and angry. If you adopt, but cannot view the children as "your own", it's going to affect both your wife and the children. Whether you stay together or divorce, it's not going to be a good situation.
4. I'm a little concerned about the comments you've made about your wife. It seems as if she is convinced that she is worthless, and that she married you because you are the only person who would put up with her. Do you believe that? Did you put those feelings in her head? Such perceptions are rarely valid, but they are often used by one spouse to control another. If your wife leaves you, she can have a fulfilling life either as a single or by marrying someone else. And if she doesn't believe that, she should get some serious counseling, whether or not she stays in the marriage. Such negative self-perceptions are usually a sign of depression or emotional abuse by parents, spouse, etc.
Sharon