Avoidant Personality Disorder and Adoptees

Thank you, Dickons. I've often asked myself that very question. What would it take. What in the world would it take. I never thought of myself as a person who couldn't find solutions. At this particular point in time, I've been struggling with the Whats-The-Use demon, and that frightens me. I think that's why I joined this forum. The Comfort Zone. It's been like a Siren. I've had glimpses of what life could be like, and real, tangible moments of breaking free. And there's the one great exception: My daughter. There always seemed to be some sort of built-in override to whatever personal problems I've had that always allowed me to be there for her. My greatest fear used to be that I would dump all of my baggage on her. But now that she's all grown up, I can see for myself that she'll be just fine. And that makes me very happy. I'm digressing, but my point is that the Siren has been like a nemesis, always calling me back. And so I fight again to break free. And each time, the fight leaves me a little more weary. Anonymity is difficult. Here, at a forum, I can have it. Out there, well . . . It's just hard. I've had the privilege of speaking at a few adoption conferences in the past. And I was instrumental in bringing together my birth mother and a member of my adoptive family. What I am sure will be a lifelong friendship was the result. I thought those experiences would really help me give the comfort zone a good, swift kick, and I could forsake the lies and the masks. So what do I do? I end up pushing everybody away, and going back to my old ways. What would it take. Indeed. Kind regards to you as well, Azdak

I am very new to all this so please bear with me..I do believe a lot of us suffer from these issues in one way or another..I identify with most of the symptoms you posted and never realized it until recently..My adoptive family and I have been apart for over 30 years until recently.0..I am 45 years old and suffered a troubling childhood which caused me to leave their home at the age of 14.. Most of the trouble was my rebellion, or so I thought that was what I was doing..I now realize I was pushing away those I was afraid were going to abandon me and have done so all my life..I am a cold, numb, emotionally detached woman, who fits into many different personality disorders..Avoidant Personality disorder I would say, is the long term outcome of being abandoned..They are one in the same..

Hi MarieProud67,I am relatively new here too. Made a post or two. Sometimes it feels good to spill the "adoption pains" out where I think someone may actually get what I am feeling.Reading your post really hit home for me. I too left home young and have been described as cold and emotionally detached. My adoptive parents tried their best with the tools they had and I love them dearly, yet, right up until they passed in '07 we never really could understand each other.I also can relate to Asdak in that I have (until recently - too long a story) always held a job and found my work to be the one thing I was good at and proud of. Afterall, at work you can keep people at a comfortable distance. Avoiding the "clicKs" pleasant to everyone focused straight on work. Most employers couldn't ask for more.Now that I am older and can see the "big picture" causing some of my problems I try to force myself out of the comfort zone but the results are limited.Well enough from me. Just thought it might help some others to know you're not alone in your state of being "adopted" - in my world it seems to be a life sentence.JulieG

I have most of these symptoms. I'm very social though, I belong to many groups but have a hard time feeling like a full on part of a group. I always feel like an outsider. I do have close friends but not as many as I would like, I just have a really hard time letting folks in. I fear rejection. When I see a close friendship drifting apart, I take it very personal (when usually its a result of them or me being busy), I get upset at the friend. I play hard on the surface like nothing phases me, but I am super sensitive. I start jobs off great. I am talented at a lot of things, am hard working. People always see me as an employee thats going to go places, and then somewhere along the line I start screwing up (and it's never been alcohol or drug related). It's wierd little things like not sending in my expense reports. It's like I do little things to sabatoge myself. I start projects but don't complete them. I never knew there was a name for it.

Wow, that sounds just like me. Those symptoms are identical to attachment disorder which is really the same thing. I'm sure it is very common with adoptees

I am older now but many of the things you have listed I can identify with to a greater of lesser degree.I feel that so often we are scared to give......to really give of ourselves for fear of rejection or negative comments. I know as a child growing up, as an only one, when it came to friends I never fell out with anyone. Never argued didn't know what the response would be so played safe and just agreed to keep the peace. I find the words 'I love you' incredibly difficult to say. It would be like laying myself bare and exposing myself to potential for hurt. With time and understanding of feeling why I feel some of the things I do there is more ease in social situations.

Interesting topic.... I've always known I was adopted, I was adopted at 5 days old and my adoptive family IS my family (it feels weird to put the "adoptive" in front of that) Overall I'd say we're a pretty normal family... I have one younger sibling who is not adopted.I wear my adoption like a badge of honor, much to my mother's dismay (she's a wee bit more sensitive than I am) I am fiercely proud to be a member of my family and I'm equally as proud about the way I came into it. However... since I've made it to the ripe old age of 34 with many successes and failures, great friends, some tragedy, and just about everything one could want. I do seem to have one shortcoming.... I can't seem to trust any man I date. I didn't realize it was an issue linked to my adoption until my late 20's. That's when something clicked and I knew that my roadblock to a romantic/intimate relationship was being blocked by me and it was because I didn't want to get hurt in that way. (ie: broken heart) I'm still working on it.. I've made some strides.. but I thank you for posting this because I never realized it was a common thing among adoptees in particular. Funny, why is it the things that people need to talk about and discuss are the things everyone always avoids?

Hi, I'm new here, I only just joined tonight after reading through many of the posts. I didn't actually realise that my adoption was related to any of these issues until after a conversation with a friend. We were discussing the fact that I seem to gravitate towards men who are emotionally unavailable, which actually suits me, as I've figured I'm also emotionally unavailable. After searching the Internet everything seemed to be pointing back to the fact that I'm adopted. I actually thought that I was pretty well adjusted, having grown up in a somewhat 'normal' middle class home. I'd always known that I was adopted and that my bmother was 15 when she had me, I have since met her, which I'll elaborate on some other time. However all my life I've never been able to have emotional relationships, discuss emotions, tell people I love them, I am terrible with relationships, by terrible I mean nasty to my partners- like pushing them away not 'letting them in', keeping the walls up, withholding sex, wouldn't let him touch me, my ex called me 'an ice queen'. We were together for 7years until I left him, I got in first. I thought that this behaviour was 'just me', I guess I didn't realise that there was an intrinsic factor causing be to have this behaviour and these traits. I'm really great at self sabotage and have massive trust issues. Over the past 12 months I'm really content to spend time alone, I just sometimes don't feel worthy of others. However I do always manage to keep jobs, I'm a really dedicated hard worker, perhaps I throw myself into and I let it consume me, I've been in my current position for 5 yrs. My adoptive mother passed away 9 years ago, my adoptive father has since found a new partner, I feel so excluded and removed from what was my family. And I suppose I feel as if I've been left/abandoned all over again by him. So it seems that it's just me and my 10 yo daughter against the world, until I figure all of this out, and seek some professional help. Sorry for the ramble on :-)

I have all of the symptoms you just described. I think it all goes back to that important first bonding when you are an infant. Since I went right from a hospital, after a week or two, to two different foster homes, I never had that bonding. That is why people who are adopted end up with the feelings you described. I also prefer to be alone and constantly push others away - even my sons at times, and my husband. People who aren't adopted would think these things are not real issues but they are. They would never really understand where we are coming from with this - and it is very hard to live with.

To Steffy, I can totally relate to your situation. We adoptees are masters of self-sabotage, and in so many ways! I have also been distant with friends, keeping only one or two for many years that I am very close with. It seems that everyone else in the world is simply an acquaintance. I even manage to push my husband away automatically when things aren't going how I think they should be. I also have a hard time with showing affection to my kids and relatives - Feel free to ramble; that's why we are on this site! No one else would be able to relate!

oh the list i can give you of things i've been diagnosed with, over the years of adoption research i have realized that a lot of it has to do with my adoption. Adjustment Disorder-occurs when an individual is unable to adjust to or cope with a particular stressor, like a major life event. Since people with this disorder normally have symptoms that depressed people do, such as general loss of interest, feelings of hopelessness and crying, this disorder is also sometimes known as situational depression. Unlike major depression however, the disorder is caused by an outside stressor and generally resolves once the individual is able to adapt to the situation. General Anxiety Disorder Manic Depression Borderline Personality Disorder - is a cluster B personality disorder whose essential features are a pattern of marked impulsivity and instability of affects, interpersonal relationships, and self image. The pattern is present by early adulthood and occurs across a variety of situations and contexts.[1] Other symptoms may include intense fears of abandonment and intense anger and irritability that others have difficulty understanding the reason for.[1][2] People with BPD often engage in idealization and devaluation of others, alternating between high positive regard and great disappointment.[3] Self-mutilation and suicidal behavior are common

Wow that was amazingly helpful as I am struggling lately so much with my own behaviors of pushing away rage and anger and not understanding why am I acting the way I am. This really helped. Spending a lot of time lately with the absent relationship of my mom in my thoughts my childhood abuse and those thoughts of what's wrong with me.... :laundry:

Well, after reading this thread the only thing I can say is "I'm in". Now where do I go and what do I do to get better so I can say "I am out of here and in to the world? I don't want to be part of this club anymore. This is my biggest issue bar none.

If you believe you have Avoidant Personality Disorder, a mental health professional (who is skilled in treating personality disorders) can assess, diagnose, and treat the problem.

Thank you for sharing that information. For years, I never knew what felt so wrong with me. Even down to the agoraphobia.