Regretting contact...anyone else?

Beth, I believe that all adoptees have a right to know where and who they came fromto know their roots, a right to respectfully make contact, having never agreed to termination with their birth parents. Unfortunately there are some adoptees who engage in contact without really thinking it through, realizing that reunion is a life altering event for all parties; the adoptees, birth families and the adoptive parents. Yes Beth, legally you do have a responsibility ONLY to yourselfŅmorally? is another thing though. As an adoptee, I can try to understand where you are coming from but as a birth mother, my heart goes out to your birth family who it seems most likely mourned your loss and wanted to celebrate having you back in their lives and unfortunately didnt accept or understand that you werenҒt interested in meeting them to see if you even liked them before closing the door to any relationship. I agree that in a case like this where the adoptee has no interest in knowing their birth family, using a confidential intermediary just to find out their heritage and medical history, while making it clear that they are not interested in a relationship, would have been the best thing, the kindest thing, the moral thing.

Oh and there are many adoptees, me included, that do feel blessed to be a part of and strongly bonded to their adoptive families. My need to knowђ my birth family was NO bad reflection on my birth family and my loyalty to them was never doubted. I was also truly blessed that my adoptive parents felt secure enough in our relationship, 21 years ago, to accept my wanting to know and have a relationship with my birth family and truth be told they enjoyed our reunion and even strongly bonded with my birth siblings. One of the added benefits was that already having been through the reunion process before, it made it a lot easier for my birth son who we have happily been reunited with for 4 years. Reunion for me was a lot of hard work, some ups and downs, certainly not always a picnic the whole time and there were times in the beginning 20 yrs ago that I did have some fleeting thoughts about what have I done, life was much simpler when the family was ݑsmaller lol but REGRETS? NONE !!!!

I respect that you have your feelings and you have a right to them. But if your birthfamily follows you on Pinterest then why is that freakier then anyone else who follows you on Pinterest? I am a birthmother and I am not a stalker. I think most birthmother's are not freaky stalkers, and if you feel your privacy is being invaded by having your birth relatives follow you on a public forum- then just tell them. I predict they will go away. All in all as people we just want to be where we are wanted an loved, be it adoptee or birthparent. Life is short and most people want to be loved. If your birthfamily is unwanted, they will likely grieve their loss but move on. It is what the human spirit does.

I usually suggest that they use a third-party confidential intermediary. If you had gone that route, then you wouldn't be feeling so sick by looking at your birth mother's photo on FB.[/QUOTE] Raven, I understand this and if I could go back in time, that's exactly what I would have done. But I can't. So to focus on that is not helpful. I have gently told them goodbye, I've reiterated that I'm thankful for her choice, and that I wouldn't change a thing. I hope that helps her. I have zero animosity- I just don't have a place in my life for her. And that's okay, too.

Sunshiny, it is freaky because they obviously looked for me and followed me there as a way to keep an "eye" on what I am doing. When a random person follows me on Pinterest, it's because they like something I have pinned. Um, Cheverly? I don't think it's amoral in any way to tell people that you don't want them in your life. It's amoral to break up with a boyfriend that is toxic in your life because you don't want him in your life anymore? It's amoral to stop being friends with a friend because they are making you feel bad every time you talk to them? Breaking up with another person might hurt them, but if they are not right for you, it's not AMORAL to hurt them. These people are strangers to me... it's amoral for me to contact them for health information, specifying SEVERAL times that I don't want/need a relationship? Seriously? I think it's ridiculous to say it's not moral. Drawing boundaries in one's life is NOT amoral. I think it's interesting how the third party option keeps being mentioned, when it's after the fact and obviously too late to change. What's done is done. Now I have to figure out how to go on and forget this mess.

I wasn't kidnapped. I was never a "part of their family." I was adopted, and however this person has dealt with that is HER journey, not mine. Morally. I have ZERO moral responsibility to her. None. I know that's harsh for birth mothers to hear, but it's the truth. I was born. That's all I did- and I have been loved since the day I was born by my parents. My ONLY parents. I don't buy into any of this "first family" stuff... I was never a part of this family- I have no responsibility to them, and I am not morally obligated to keep them in my life, or to treat them in any way other than what I am comfortable. I would not invite a stranger on my FB page, or into my life, my family, my inner circle- why would they be any different? I understand that some adoptees feel differently, and that's fine. I grew up with several friends who were adopted who feel the exact same way that I do, though- and our feelings are just as valid as those of people who do want to know birth families. For me, there is no going back. Why would we want to?

I think the third party contact thing is being mentioned, because you chose another route, and mention you regret it. In a way you made yourself the third party. So, what responsibilities would a third party have, if you had gone that route? (cause I really don't know! LOL and don't know if anyone else does either LOL) Would a 3rd party be somewhat responsible for assisting both sides with the fall out from one not wanting contact and one wanting it? To me it sounds almost like your bfamily doesn't believe you. Don't want to believe it or can't believe that you really don't want contact, especially since you were the one who made contact of some kind. I can imagine if a third party was relaying all the info, they still may not believe it, but they would have the third party to go to with questions of wth :confused: I don't understand, this makes no sense to us? Are you sure? Please explain further. What exactly did she say? What exactly does she mean? wth? I know for a long long time, especially in a not so long ago time when searching and reuniting were taboo, rare and frowned upon my most - many adoptees would say "I just want medical info, ancestry info, don't want a relationship, don't need to know them" Many of those saying it then were not being truthful to anyone including themselves, sometimes they didn't know it at the time, sometimes they did, and sometimes they just said it to save their own necks in anti-search/reunion land! I wonder if something like this could be going on with them. kwim? Thinking that maybe if they keep trying things will change, that just maybe you are freaking out, overwhelmed and with time you may be able to open up some. Maybe they feel a moral responsibility to keep the door open, to invite you, to encourage you, to let you know that they are interested in you and want to know the person you have become. To let you know that you have been loved and are loved and wanted in their lives. Not many people understand the workings of a reunion, how things can individually go. Even those of us that are experiencing it LOL So just for being human I'd have to give them a little break on that. I have a feeling it will take some time for them to believe and accept that you really don't want to know more of them. Don't know what to suggest to make that easier on you other than to continue your course, be direct and say what you mean. One thing I do know, if you did want relationships and to know more - their actions online, of invites and wanting to meet etc. would not be seen or felt as stalking LOL it would be a wish come true. I have a feeling they may be trying to give you what they think you may want. Certainly it's possible it could be all about them and what they want. Personally I wanted to know all I could. For many reasons, a main one being I wanted my kids and their kids and their kids... to know their bio people so they wouldn't marry each other! I needed to know more medical history, wanted it more for my kids than myself. The worry of not knowing anyone that could help them if they became sick and needed genetic tests or bone marrow or a kidney or whatever could come with the future. I don't think I could close the door completely, even if I hated my peoples guts for good reason. Ya never know what the future will bring, you may need them for more information, or who knows what, in the future. My daughter tells me she would be searching for them right now if I hadn't found them already, because she wants to know them all, always has. Good luck with your endeavors. Hope it all becomes easier for you all very soon.

This is just in response to what you wrote, BethVA62. (It's not a rehashing for Beth0810.)Adoptees who want an actual reunion are often encouraged not to use intermediaries because it's harder for the b-parent to turn away his/her child than to turn away a complete stranger. When contacted by a long lost (now adult) child, the emotional flood gates often open for these b-families. They hear their child's voice. They may see him/her in person or in a photo. They may read their words or notice their handwriting. Everything becomes more real. They are engaging with a real person. And, that person is their child. It can be very emotional.An intermediary, on the other hand, is not related to them. An intermediary doesn't even necessarily need to tell the family the name of the seeker. The best choice would have been to find a skilled intermediary who knows how to handle adoption contacts/reunions. But, even if Beth had chosen a trusted friend, that probably would have been better.... The contact with an intermediary is less person, less immediate, less of a thunderclap of emotions. Will the b-family still feel emotions as a result of the contact? Sure, most likely, but they won't have met their flesh and blood only to have that person walk away.Being approached by an intermediary, will automatically make the exchange less personal because there is an actual physical separation between the parties involved.

Beth0810, So sorry you're experiencing this drama. I felt the same way you described. This was her journey, not mine. Adoption records were sealed for a very good reason...to keep people from intruding and upsetting each other. Toxic people need to leave your life, regardless of relationship. Setting boundaries is not selfish. The past is the past. Knowing medical history is not a good reason to keep someone in your back pocket. Whatever will be, will be. I wish you well....

I'm kinda new to the search and I'm not sure what to expect if I find my bio parents. Last thing I'd want to do is upset their lives in any way. If I found out they had moved on I'm OK with that. I know my bmom had me when she was 16 and came to see me everyday in foster care before I was adopted so my thinking is there is a part of her that would like to see me. The other side of that is that was back in 1970 so I'm sure she moved on. If I'm told that's that case then I'd respect her wishes but if there is a chance I can learn more about myself then it's worth the chance. I'd like to thank every1 for writing here. You have given me a lot of different angles at which to look at all of this.

Crossroads1, It is sad when one party doesnt want contact, and the other party does. But, isnҒt that always one possible scenario in any given relationship?... Does that mean that adoptees should be denied access to their original birth certificates? Adoption records were not sealed to protect b-families or adoptees from upset or intrusion. They were sealed to hide our stain of illegitimacy and to allow adoptive families to pass adoptees off as their biological children (if they so desired). Our b-families were not guaranteed anonymity. And, contracts cannot be made with an underage child, so we certainly didnt ask for nor were we granted anonymity. So, who is being protected by the sealed records, and are we supposed to be protected from our biological relatives in perpetuity? We need to recognize the difference between establishing contact and maintaining an ongoing relationship. I believe in this free society that we all have a right to attempt to contact whomever we choose. Once contact is made, however, if one of the parties involved doesnҒt want to communicate or establish on ongoing relationship, that persons wishes need to be honored. Before contact, you didnҒt know your story. Clearly, in the end, you wish you didnt know it. But, to advocate for sealed records so other adoptees wonҒt ever have the opportunity to contact their b-families seems like throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Is it right that the owners of pedigree dogs tend to know more about their dogs lineages than most adoptees know about their own? If you have always been okay with not knowing basic information that virtually everyone else on the planet knows about themselves (and their pedigree animals), I am truly happy for you. But, other adoptees do want to know. My adoption record was unsealed, and I found my mother. She has seemingly chosen not to have a relationship with me, and I accept her choice. I, however, did get my fatherҒs information from her, and he and I have been establishing a solid relationship. He did not want me to be adopted, but he had no say in the matter back then. He didnt have any contact with the agency nor did he sign any papers. Yet, he still lost his child. It was only through the unsealing of the records that I was able to find him. He and I deserve a chance to get to know one another now. ItҒs not about the past.Ӕ Sure, I wanted to know some details about what happened.... And, yes, I did want to know medical information. It is important. It can be life-saving information. Some medical tests are not given unless there is a family history because the tests are so costly and/or the medical condition is rare. So, yes, family medical history is important. If you can get it, you should.... But, I am also interested in who my father is now and in developing a relationship with him in the present. I really do feel for you, Crossroads1. But, it sounds like once you firmly established your boundaries with your b-family and asked them to go away that they actually did. I do not agree that sealed adoption records are the way to go. My original birth certificate is my record of my live birth. It isnt my b-familyҒs form. It isnt my a-parentsҒ document. Its mine. And, all adoptees should have access to that document. (If an adoptee doesnҒt want access, more power to him or her. But, we should all have the right to obtain it if we want it.)

Each case is different. Just remember that in 1970, your mother would have been told she would never see you. Unfortunately, sometimes the adoption became a secret that was hidden away and never dealt with. Some birth parents are very interested in a relationship; others aren't. I was lucky because my birthson and I are both interested in maintaining an ongoing relationship. I always say that if I had a magic wand I'd pair adoptees who want contact with birth parents who want contact! Good luck with your journey.

She gave up the baby. That is excluding the baby from her life...

I don't think you owe this person a relationship in any way. I would, however, tell them you're "not ready at this time and am not sure if you ever will be at some point".... not slamming the door in their face just in case you do want contact later. She contacted you, not the other way around. You didn't become an adoptee through any decision of your own. The birth giver here has made all those choices and chosen the timing of her choices. She'll be hurt, but you shouldn't feel forced to enter a relationship with someone because of that alone when you had no choice to become an adoptee or about the timing of when she contacted you. Often the "contactee" isn't ready-- whether it's the birth giver or the biological offspring that are doing the contacting. It's not wrong to not be interested or not ready for contact. Like I said, I would try to be as gentle as possible because it's going to be hard for this woman to her you're not interested. I would also try to not burn a bridge just in case I later was interested in contact. You're not obligated. Being gentle, kind, and not burning a bridge permanently can go far. I would imagine that she knew that you not being interested in contact was a possibility when she searched for you. A kind gentle approach could help let her down as easy as possible.

This is a quote from an earlier post on this thread: (I am not clear on how to quote!) The main point I made was that I am a person, not a project, nor an object to be found. Her perception of me was more wish fulfillment than reality. Though we share DNA, we are still strangers. I didn't need to know all the drama and dysfunction surrounding my birth. All of this has nothing to do with who I am....Thanks for listening.I know exactly what you mean! I have reunited with several bfamily members. I get along best with the ones who looked at our 'reunion' as a meeting of strangers who have a very cool quirky connection. Our relationships moved forward as we got to know each other for who we are and yes, discovered similarities which must be genetic. Those bfamily members are very special to me.But the ones who see me as a lost object; who can't see me for who I am because they are somewhat blinded by their own loss, expectations or needs- they are harder for me to deal with. They want to share with me everything that they think I missed from the time I was conceived. Some is interesting to me, most is not. My advice to bmoms (and bsiblings) is to remember that the baby you gave up is a person in their own right. Get to know him or her as you would any other stranger, with some respectful distance. We may not be interested in your family history because we have our own. Since you probably share many inherited qualities it is likely that you will grow to like or even love each other. But go slow and realize that there may be stops and starts. And realize that all adoptees don't feel the same. Some adoptees may want to hear all of your stories, your family history, but I think it is best to go slow and ask.I hope that will be helpful to someone!

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