Help: So many questions (Long Post)

Our daughter was 6 when she was placed with us. An awful history of sexual abuse against her and physical abuse against her Mom in front of her (and possibly against her but we will never know). She was very traumatized and we were told she had some PTSD from it. I can remember when she first came here demanding we keep the alarm on at night, that my husband slept on the couch next to the door in case anyone came to take her, and that she couldn't sleep without a light on. Eventually after living her, getting extensive trauma therapy, and having stability and knowing we would protect her she just eventually didn't need all those things. She's now 13 and in 7th grade. Does well in school (A,B student) and is very loving and really doesn't show signs of trauma unless something scares her (like yelling, or loud noises for extended periods). She has some issues with impulse control and not thinking thru things but in therapy she has learned to slow down and think about choices before doing anything. She has a wonderful trauma therapist whom works with abused kids. She was just approved for victims therapy coverage where the state covers all her therapy until age 18 and possibly beyond. That definitley helps because she absolutely loves her therapist and we can see changes in her that we would have never imagined at age 6 when she moved here. We have an older daughter who's now 19 and moved out but she was 13 when our daughter came here. She would call us Mom (of course) so our younger daughter eventually just picked that up. I think once they feel safe and secure they will call you that. In the beginning she'd call us Uncle David and Aunt Helen but now it's Mom & Dad. I think with every child going thru this you should reach out and see if you can get therapy and any resources that may be available for your entire family to help with the transition. We called our local DCF office (we were licensed foster parents so we had alot of resources) and they referred us to the Child Protection Team which referred us to her current therapist. I think they are national but I'm not sure. They are a referral service for abused/neglected kids. They also work with the parents and we have a therapist who also works with me and my husband too. Hang in there. Try and put together a structure for the kids, post it on the wall, and that will make them feel more secure. When they know what to expect they feel safer and thus more comfortable. And with therapy they can talk about their feelings and emotions too. We always talk openly about our feelings but there is just some things kids can't actually say to their parents and an impartial therapist is the best thing.

firstly - Let me welcome you to the club <3 not us, we had no children prior to DD They'll call you what they are comfortable calling you. 4 years in, J calls me 'mama' (mummy is reserved for her BM) more often then not, but still calls me by my first name from time to time I strongly recommend not forcing the title early on. depends on if parental rights are terminated. Kids need to live with you for 6 months prior to finalizing time, love, support, commitment, and therapy when needed. J had a lot of bad stuff happen prior to coming to live with us. These days, the are few signs of her past J was strongly bonded with her BM. No way I could sever that. We have supervised visitation, 4 times per year (although BM cancelled the last one.. J didn't seem to notice. Maybe both are beginning to move on) I comes down to - what's in the kiddos best interest? Good Luck!

It seems like everyone is making progress. It gives me hope on those difficult days that someday we will have happy kids. They seem to be struggling now but I am hoping with time..... :-)

I know with my nephew now 8, he wanted to know that we loved him and wanted him. Lots of testing to make sure that we really did! Therapy and listen when they share what they have been through. After 2 1/2 years I am now mom 99% of time and aunt the rest. Adoption just recently finalized.

Our nephew came to live with us 7 months ago at 5 years old. I found this forum the first week when I was frantically googling to try and find what the "settling in" period is. :woohoo: We have no other children in the home. Nephew calls my boyfriend "Uncle <name>", but he just calls me by my first name (which kind of irritates me--I always refer to myself as "Aunt <name>"). I don't think he does it on purpose though, I think it is just more expeditious since he is calling me more often than his Uncle. I'm not sure we'll ever be mom & dad, he is too strongly bonded to his parents (he lived with them until he was 4). It would be a difficult struggle to break him of calling them mom & dad (even though he lives across the country and only sees them 2 times per year) and it just isn't a priority. I think it might have been easier to get him acclimated to our home (and for us to be less frustrated with the introduction of a child/hurricane into our adults-only home) if there were other kids in the house, but there are other issues with introducing new kids into the home, which I'm glad we don't have. I just have to say what everyone else says, hang in there, it is super tough. I find great advice on the adoption.com forums (especially the foster care forum). Good luck!!!! -- H

Halary,Thank you. I am waiting to see what time, therapy and meds brings. Hoping for many positives. We had the kids in the past and they were doing well. They were returned to bio parents and then foster care (7 homes in 6 months) so we are starting from scratch again.Michelle