Open Adoption Relative Placement Question

Every adoption looks different in terms of openness and communication, and from what I read here, it seems that boundary is complicated by the fact that the child and the bio parent is a relative. The boundaries you are able to set depend on the amount of contact you have right now and how much other family members have with both you and her. We adopted our now 5 yr old through foster care when she was about 2. She knows her Mom and Dad as she lived with them until taken into care. Over time we developed a really good relationship with them and now have a very open adoption with visits, phone calls and Facebook. We visit them,they visit us and this last year for the first time, we allowed them to take our DD for the afternoon for a few hours. Now, we have no problem dropping her off with them for a day. We see each other about every 12 weeks. They live about 70 miles away, so it's something we have to set up in advance. They have another child who is the younger brother to our DD. She knows he is her brother, that they are her parents and we are her parents. There is no confusion for her, just confusion for some adults not involved in our triad. This is not a co-parent situation. We make all decisions and do not ask for their input. DD was taken into care because they were unable to care for her(neglect)and Mom has a lower IQ. No drug problems. We started very slowly with a PO Box, with building the relationship by establishing very clear rules about contact based on what was needed for us. In your case, you mentioned birthMom has some sobriety issues, so you need to be clear about what kind of contact you will allow,how often and what things must occur before the visit to insure the visit happens, such as, Mom must contact you X days ahead of time and say she will be there, who else she can bring(if anyone), what things she can say or not(concerning who are the parents), no undermining you as parent,must appear to be sober, etc. Write it all down so there is no misunderstanding. I would suggest you post some of these questions on the foster support and general adoption boards because so many more people read those.

I am struggling with the same questions you are. I hope we find great answers here. We were asked about future contact with bfamily. I said I wouldn't agree to any at this time due to her mental status and willingness to stay with an abusive husband rather than parent her children. The SW didn't seem to have a problem with this.

Our situation was different when we adopted our great-niece almost 10 years ago. The CPS agency that terminated her birthparents' rights wanted the court to order that we never allow any contact in the future, despite the fact that biomom is my niece and we'd be seeing each other at some family events. We told the judge that we understood their concerns but if we were going to be her parents then they had to allow us to exercise our best judgement about the level of permissable contact. The judge agreed with us. I would have made the same argument if they had insisted on us having contact with the bios. Now that you're going to be the parents, only you can decide what is best for your child and your family.

Thank you for all of your replies!Our adoption just finished. We didn't sign any documents about the birth mom. We have always maintained distance with the birth mom even prior to adoption being an option. We thought that if she got her life together we might include her in ours a little.However, I don't want to deal with the birth mom letting me know how I will parent my child or when I will allow visits for my child. That thought just irritates me. I hope I'm not being mean.Also, the state has some weird thing in play where they come and visit us for 2 years after the adoption is finalized. The GAL told us not to let them, but I don't want to raise red flags in the process. Our adoption took forever. We just want to be a family and move forward.

Not at all mean. It's being sensible and protecting the child now. I know it's hard but hang in there. It can be so rewarding!

Welcome to the world of kinship adoption. Honestly.. I find the idea of closed adoption of a relative near impossible. Someone always ends up "helping" by sharing pix.. updates.. invitations to us and my cousin. But.. so long as dh and I are clear with boundaries ( like no u supervised access).. its l good. J loves her bps.. Initially I worried this would confuse her.. but she knows who everyone is. I 100% feel i'm her mom

Visits for two years? For what purpose?

"visits for two years" I believe that the reasoning pertained to the fact that we are a family adoption and typically inter family adoptions do not receive the help and support that "non" family adoptions receive. I really don't understand it. I tried to be casually invested in the conversation when we were told this bit of news. In reality, my heart sank. In general, I feel like a failure as a mom to begin with. I'm always nervous that someone will realize I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't want the state in and out of my home for another 2 years. Has anyone else ever heard of this?

I honestly want help as a parent. I go to classes all the time. I read books constantly. I'm consistently applying what I've learned in my home with my daughter. My problem is that our state really likes medicating kids. I refuse to have my child medicated. Until she comes to me and tells me that a big red monster in her closet told her to murder me and daddy, we are not putting her on meds. My husband is really into nutrition and fitness and we believe that a healthy lifestyle and open communication can be a great way to avoid inappropriate medications in children. That's really why I don't want the state in our house anymore. They already put her in a weird program where she was singing songs about how the caseworker was her family. Uh... no. You're the state. You're a facilitator. You're not family. I'm so new to the "system." I can't tell if I'm paranoid or one of those health nuts?

I would let them know that your willingness to have an open adoption is based on their actions and can change accordingly. We started out with the thought that we would allow contact but were not sure what it would look like (our adoption is not finalized but will be this week). We told bmom we needed a break from visits for a few months (we were going to wait until the adoption was final). We have been encouraged by the GAL to not allow contact at all, he doesn't think it will be good for the boys. We resisted and told him we think once we finalize and once they are out of school (because visits cause behavior issues at school) that we would do visits a couple times a year. Now, I have no intention of having visits at all, ever. We found out that she SA at least one of the kids so, that changes everything. We will avoid any family gatherings that include her. It is unfortunate but we have to do what is best for our boys and at this point we don't think her involvement in their lives would benefit them in any way.

What is SA?

I so agree here. Visits are not required once adoption is final unless you want them and have an agreement. Our daughter too went thru SA by her biofather and his 2 "friends" while they lived in Mexico after fleeing the states from parole violations. She is making such great progress here with her abuse/trauma therapist and everyone else mentoring her along the way that I don't want anything or anybody that hurt her in her past to come back into her life. She deserves a normal life without anymore trauma. I vowed to always protect her and I will. She at least deserves someone in her court for once.

Get an attorney as soon as possible. Either a child is adopted or they aren't. If you are the legal parent, the state has no right to come into your home and judge your parenting under the guise of "support".

Follow the GAL's advice. This sounds like a non-enforceable action on DCYF's part. They can offer 'services' but can't make you abide by them (unless you agreed to this in writing)

RobinKay, that's kinda what I was thinking. Thank you! I'll take the lead on the GAL, too.