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Our grandchildren's bmom is my daughter. Our relationship isn't the best and hasn't been for a while. I feel like we tried to help her when she was in a abusive relationship, etc but she chose to stay. Over several years and a CINC case, she is still with him. He is on drugs (legal and not legal), abusive and lost three other children prior to meeting my daughter and now we have this situation.
I see so many people talk about visits and contact with bfamlies but I am feeling so protective of the kids and so angry at them that it got to this point, how do you move forward? I don't even know where to begin. I have told her, she has to remain sober, get a job, go to therapy and just generally get her life together. The drama train got to the point that I changed my number. I still hear from her via facebook but every time she says she is doing..(insert list of things she needs to do)...I find out later that it either isn't true or she has lost her job, etc.
She is freaking out over name changes (planning to change last names only) and really has not come to terms that this situation is real and that she isn't going to be allowed to swoop back in and be mommy. She went so far as to say...I am worried that A is going to call you mommy. A is the youngest.
And, sadly enough it seems that she is only worried about A. Not N and B. She had picked a favorite and can't see the forest for the trees.
I am worn out after writing this. I am sure you will be after reading this. Sorry :-(
Just don't know what to do about her relationship with the kids. My relationship with her. Holidays with family, etc. Whew!!!! Help please!!
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This is how I see my world, but I don't know how to communicate it in a way that won't tick people off (in real life).
It is my understanding of plants - particularly the ones with flowers - that when a flower has bloomed and it dies, you're supposed to pluck it off. This makes the rest of the plant healthy and allows new flowers to bloom.
I see my family that way. I really like my in-laws, I like my own family (of course), but in order to maintain health within my immediate family (with my husband and adopted child) I have to let things go. I have to pluck off the death. Bio mom (my heart breaks for her) is death. I can't offer my child abundant life if I keep trying to reach out to the bio mom.
Not to mention, bio mom's inability to be stable is a huge trigger for our daughter. We can't depend on bio mom to show up for visits in a timely fashion (if at all). She doesn't make sense during conversations because of her incessant drug use. I really want to help her. I want to reach out to her and show her that there is a different kind of life that she can live. Reaching out to bio mom means hurting my daughter.
Of course I cannot make these statements to anyone in real life, because they seem very cold. I am on here trying to figure out how to be tactful and kind while maintaining my boundaries. At the end of the day, however, (for our situation) bio mom is death and if we are going to thrive, she has to go.
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Best way I can put it is you have to disassociate yourself from the "relative" side of the equation and remember it's always whatever is in the best interest of the child to grow up without anymore hurt/trauma. In our cause we can just close the book cause biomom is across country and biodad is in prison for along time. I don't communicate with either of them except for a message here and there from biomom on Facebook (which I normally don't respond to). Personally I don't consider her our daughter's "MOM" and that she lost that right when she put our daughter in harms way and did not protect her. Just cause she's family doesn't make me feel any better about what she did.
Our situation is a little different than most relative adoptions. Bdad is in prison for a long time, and bmom couldn't keep him safe. The agency is not telling the family (which we have nothing to do with that side) where is being placed.
But, regardless... The bottom line is, it is now YOUR job to keep these kids safe and give them the best possible chance at life. I told our caseworker during our home study that ALL of our kids safety and well being comes first before any family relationship. I am willing to fall off the face of the earth and not talk to any family if it meant keeping my kids safe.
If you wouldn't be comfortable in a situation with family members living the wrong lifestyle, don't subject the kids to it.
It will all work out Im sure!! As long as the kids come first.
I'm so very sorry.
Early on, we had a ton of kicking in screaming, assumptions, and demands for my DD's bps (we're also kinship).
Although it goes 100% against my nature, I had to let it go and focus on DD. My cousin would hit me on Facebook IM and tell me to get DD on Skype (video conferencing).. i started hiding my online status (the last time we did this, he spoke to her for maybe 2 minutes before tuning into a hockey game.. dd was yelling at my computer "daddy look at me").
I changed my voicemail to be recorded at the phone company and chose when to "pick up". I'd get a rambling email from her BM, I would refuse to respond for 24 hours.
You see, i watched my aunt try to raise her grand-daughter (my DD) while allowing my cousin to be in the house. Their dysfunction.. their resentment of each other resulted in a 5 year old her spent most of her time in a fetal position.
I can only imagine the disappointment of being a parent of an addict. I don't know how one would get over it. I'm glad you're trying to figure this out.
Best of luck to you
Thank you all for your support. It just gets a little crazy sometimes. We had a rough weekend. I took the two oldest shopping (which I never do) and we ran into their bmom. We spent the rest of the weekend with fits, tantrums and craziness... well I guess we learn to shop somewhere new. On an up note. Two of the three kids are being moved from foster care to our home this weekend. The oldest will be staying put until school is out. So in less than a month we will have all three!!!
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