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This will sound totally insensitive and downright terrible and mean, but I am wondering if it is better for both my adopted son and my family to call Social Services and see what our options are in getting him placed elsewhere.
Let me explain: I have a 7 yr old bio child and adopted a 2 yr old last year, who is now 3. I am prego (not sure how that happened; we were told we wouldn't be able to concieve). Prior to adopting AP (RAD child), we were a very happy family; now, I would say we are barely surviving and everyone is miserable. I have a health condition that is made worse with stress and my health, and the baby, has suffered tremendously even to the point of hospitalization.
AP is very unhappy at our house. He is violent and full of rage. Lately, he gets home from daycare and spends most of his time in his room having horrible tantrums. He has abused the animals and bullies kids at daycare. He even choked his daycare teacher! He is constantly manipulating everyone he meets and when I touch him, he pretends that I just hurt him severely.
I take him to an attachment counselor and have fought for him to get a speech therapist, behavioral therapist, and other services. I have spent hundreds of hours researching RAD and we use Nancy Thomas' advice for parenting. Today, his therapist acknowledged that we may not be a great fit for him (b/c we expect a lot out of our children).
I am a very caring Christian Mom and have always taught my kids that you can't even give an animal back b/c they are part of the family. Prior to going through this war with AP, I would have read this and thought that I was the most evil, awful person in the world. However, I don't know if we are helping him and I know that he is making our lives miserable. Any advice or suggestions? Thank you so much!
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Hello Linny, I'm Nathalie Gros, a French journalist working for a very good TV show in France called L'effet Papillon, aka the Butterfly Effect.I am preparing a story about disruption adoption and the difficulties face by foster families, and the little help they receive from adoption agencies and/or the State. Would you be willing to participate ? In need some information and contact. I would love this story to help to make some changes, to be useful for all the adoptive parents who are experiencing hard time and feel lest alone. You can contact me on my email address: ngros@capatv.comThank you so much, Nathalie Gros
Dear Sunshine11, Your story moves me. How are you doing ? Did you find a solution ? I'm Nathalie Gros, a French journalist working for a very good TV show in France called L'effet Papillon, aka the Butterfly Effect.I am preparing a story about disruption adoption and the difficulties face by foster families, and the little help they receive from adoption agencies and/or the State. Would you be willing to participate ? I would love this story to help to make some changes, to be useful for all the adoptive parents who are experiencing hard time and feel lest alone. You can contact me on my email address: ngros@capatv.comThank you so much, Nathalie Gros
If you are looking to dissolve the adoption, my husband and I have been looking to adopt. We don't want to do foster care because we become very attached to the children. It is very hard when they leave. We love them so much it brakes our hearts. We live in Utah. Please send me a message. Please consider us as a loving option for your adopted child.
I wanted to give a quick update for anyone who might read this and be in our same situation. We were in such a horrible and desperate situation: my family was living in a war zone and everyone of us was miserable. We prayed numerous times a day for help and then an angel from the website came and helped us. She swooped in and held our hands and basically gave us all the answers. We were given about 10 families that were interested in AP and we interviewed them and researched them and interviewed them some more. We prayed about it and selected a family and had them visit to see if we truly thought they were a good fit. They were wonderful and we felt confident that God had sent them for AP. I hired an adoption atty and did everything through the correct legal channels. We had AP stay there for a "trial period" per my lawyers suggestion and AP did great with the new family. I was told that sometimes the AP blames the first Mom for taking him away from his bio Mom and the new family does much better with him. The adoption went through a little less than a year after he was placed with them.
It was hard. Very hard. We all loved AP so much. He terrorized our family and especially me...but I still loved him. He was my son. But, in the end, he was not happy with us. I gave him every ounce of my love, but he couldn't love me back for whatever reason (again, the therapist said he may have blamed me for taking him from his bio Mom). My only regret is that we would have done it sooner for every one involved. He is now doing very well with his new family and we have healed quite well. We still miss him a lot and miss the idea of him even more. But we now know that it was God's plan for us to get him out of the abusive home he was in and have him in a safe and loving home until we could get him to his forever home.
Thank you to all that helped us and a special huge thank you to the angel that helped us find AP's forever home. Truly, you saved our home and AP's emotional health!
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We understand how difficult it must've been to arrive at the decision to find another family for AP. We are unfortunately facing the painful decision of disruption as well. We have tried everything including respite but ultimately disruption is in the best long-term interest of the child. We are at a loss as to how to find a suitable family for her. Can anyone help to guide us, please?
Thank you so much for your time and understanding.
I know this is late in the game, but we are looking to adopt out of foster and I have a question that I hope is received well because I want to avoid if possible what has happened to you. Were you not aware before you adopted that this child was very difficult? I am not looking to judge, just to understand at what point you realized things were not working out. Was there a point you made the decision to go ahead, when in your heart you were still questioning if that was the right path? It is our fear to make a choice to have a child placed with us, and then have to disrupt later. Any advice you can offer is so appreciated.
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Dear twoodrough,Congratulations on your decision to adopt! We did not adopt from foster care and received no information other than age and name. My advice is to request copies of psychological tests and reports as well as school reports, copies of IEPs, etc. If you are told that psychological testing hasn't been done then it would be good to request that they take place now. Knowledge truly is power and sometime agencies do not understand that. There are different levels of difficulties and I am guessing that almost all disruptions are due to safety reasons. I hope that this helps and best of luck to your family.
Dear twoodrough,
Congratulations on your decision to adopt! We did not adopt from foster care and received no information other than age and name. My advice is to request copies of psychological tests and reports as well as school reports, copies of IEPs, etc. If you are told that psychological testing hasn't been done then it would be good to request that they take place now. Knowledge truly is power and sometime agencies do not understand that. There are different levels of difficulties and I am guessing that almost all disruptions are due to safety reasons. I hope that this helps and best of luck to your family.
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My husband and I live in Dallas, TX, we have helped several times with respite for families that need a short or and extended break! We have two adopted children. We have friends that deal with RAD, along with, other issues and sometimes, they are just worn down. Please let me know if anyone needs help. We do have a home study. I am a Christian Counselor and my husband is an Engineer for Microsoft. Good luck everyone and please try to have a wonderful New Year!!!