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Hello all.
We adopted our daughter five years ago. Her birth father is my oldest son who is now 23. I have another son who still lived with us when she was born who is now 19. As she has grown she has called my youngest son her brother, and we've felt comfortable with that. Yet, we've always been very careful not to label my oldest son "brother" but have instead said "That's X, he's part of our family." She has handled that very well so far, especially since she doesn't see him that much..holidays mostly. They have a good relationship, but not as strong as with my youngest.
We've also written a book that we've read to her since birth explaining her adoption. So when he is mentioned in the book she will say.."That's X and he's in our family." It's a start but she doesn't quite understand the relationship yet.
Here is my question. We are about to move closer to my oldest (the bio father) and they will be spending more and more time together. I want to help him find the words to answer questions from others like "Is this your daughter?" or "Is this your little sister?" when they are out and about together.
Any ideas? It's such a strange place to be, trying to be a supportive parent to both. :-)
Thanks,
Anna
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So she has no idea that her father by birth is that person who is part of the family? But knows you adopted her?
She's going to have to deal with it sooner or later that her brother by adoption, is also her father by birth. The sooner she gets comfortable with it, the easier it will be for her. Other adoptees found out later and from memory it made it harder thinking one thing and finding out everyone except them knew the truth. Should always know.
Make it "isn't that amazing" for her so it works for her.
Kind regards,
Dickons
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Through her adoption book, our son is identified as the father. It tells her story with C (bm) and A(bf) but she hasn't clearly made the connection to what that means yet. She's too young. She just knows that A is part of her family at this point. And we've never called him "her brother".
Thanks for your reply. I appreciate the "isn't that amazing" approach. ;-)
A
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Meera - remember to practice on someone else so you get all the awkwardness / fear out of you and your voice...kids know if you are feeling awkward and won't actually believe you feel that way.
Kind regards,
Dickons
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Meera
I want to help him find the words to answer questions from others like "Is this your daughter?" or "Is this your little sister?" when they are out and about together.
That is a complicated situation, not just for you but for him as well. The answer to both those questions is "yes" depending on the context one puts it in.
From an adoptee's perspective it seems that a good deal of the major negative reactions stem from finding out later in life that what we thought we knew as "the truth" was a lie all along. So the trick is in finding an age appropriate way to give her the information.
What if she was allowed to make the association with him as her b-father and just let the fact that he's also her brother by adoption catch up later? I agree with Dickons that it should be portrayed to her as a big positive. I'm probably going into areas I have no business writing about, but again from the perspective of an adoptee I found it much easier knowing what the truth was early on, even before I really understood what all the terms meant. I was "adopted." Okay...
Of course I'm writing all this coming at it from her perspective. How does he feel about this? How does he want things to unfold?
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