Foster kids and religion

I hate to admit it, but it is not fair to say that someone very involved in a Christian church would be unlikely to abuse their children. There are some well know Christian teachers whose parenting advice has been associated with child deaths, and specially the deaths of adopted children. There are some Christian teachers out there advocating some pretty severe discipline that can be taken too far and result in abuse. It wouldn't be a run of the mill situation, but is unfortunately more common then I would like to admit

This is sadly true, however with good CASAs or GALs the kids should have some say. I know that the CASA and GALs ask my foster kids if they like it here, if we are meeting their needs, etc... I myself am frustrated with the system for these kids as well. It's not even close to being perfect. In a perfect world, there would be a family for EVERY child, and every child would be matched with a family who is the same race, religion, lives in the same neighborhood, who is trained in trauma and understands the best way to help them, and they would get to go to a school and have a therapist who helps more than hurts the situation, and they would get to do things that normal kids do like have sleepovers and spend birthdays with their families, etc... The list goes on and on. Unfortunately it's not realistic. And we, foster parents, just like all parents and people in general are human error makers. We don't do everything all right all the time. I can only hope that the good I am doing is outweighing my mistakes. I'm sorry about your experience. I try hard everyday in my home to make my foster kids feel like one of the family, loved, important and worthy of having all their needs met. That's all I can do.

Wow...lots of strong opinions here. In my MAPP classes, they told us we were welcome to bring or encourage our FKs to come to church with us. If they were speaking, and refused, they can't be forced. If the kids are a specific religion they may try to place with a family of the same faith. But if not possible they may give fps the info up front and ask if they want to accept placement. I know FPs who won't accept kids who have specific dietary needs. I think this is an area where bio parents should be able make requests, but when it comes to it safety is more important than making sure a child stays in the same faith (or lack of) home.

Here fp's are allowed to take kids to church. We were also told we could be required to take religous children to church or make arrangements at a bios request. We are aethist and agnostic in our belief so taking placements that need this is not an option. We teach tolerance and learning about other belief systems but we do not do that by attending church services. I can see some of shilohs points -there are people that will push their religion on others more than the average individual. I could easily see a foster child feeling confused and pressured. Some churches and religions seem like they are more for sale and marketing themselves...However the vast majority of foster homes I've met do not fall into an extermist category.I have also met many religous bios.

In MAPP class, it was said to treat foster kids like our OWN. My bio kids would go to church so foster kids would go to church. I don't go often; twice a month for an hour isn't a lot. If I can take a foster kid on vacation, I can take him to church. As for the clothes: I was told by my cousin who works with teens, that all teens rebel. It's quite possible that this teenager was rebelling with her choice of clothing. I have boys and they do the pants-hanging off their rear. That's a battle that I constantly fight.

Law guardians and CASAs only are involved when there’s a court case since they report to the judge. After that they disappear. they don’t care about kids that are going to age out of foster care. It's almost impossible for foster kids to request to be moved out of a bad home even if they are being abused. My sister had to fight and fight to get out of the crazy Christian foster home and couldn’t get our brother out of the place that beat him. The lady that beat my brother only cared about the money and the foster kids being there from 12am to 6am so she got credit for them being there. Where they were from 6am to 12am she didn’t care and if the foster kids weren’t around, didn’t ask her for anything and didn’t eat there everything was good with her. All she cared about was the money not what they were doing. My brother shoplifted and got into trouble all the time and got arrested for stealing stuff from a Kmart when he was 14. His foster mom didn't care and he didn't want to be moved because she let him do whatever he wanted. Our older sister found out about that and that he was getting beat and told their social worker and she completely blew it off that he deserved to get beat because he was stealing and that's the way single moms control teenage boys that are bigger than them. It wasn’t until about a year later that a couple of the other teen boys there got arrested for setting fires to abandoned junk around town that they did something and the foster kids got taken away from her. Everybody assumes if you report abuse that your either lying or you deserve it. If you say you want to be moved noone will care. No one listens to you at all.

More parents abuse their biological kids then people who work with kids like teachers, nurses, librarians, coaches. people raising their own kids feel an obligation to do way more discipline to do the socalled bring kids up right that ends up with kids getting hit and abused. The same people wouldn’t hit someone else’s kids but they’d hit their own. A guidance councelor at school doesn't go all crazy if a kid is doing what they want and going down their own path but there are parents who completely overreact if a kid doesn't do what they want or is doing something they are against. You’ve got kids from a completely different upbringing combined with people who feel like they have to go crazy forcing their way of doing things on kids, it’s just bad. Almost every foster family we lived with it was like everything about us was WRONG. What we wanted was WRONG. What we liked to do was WRONG. What we liked to eat was WRONG. How we talked was WRONG. One of the biggest things I remember when I was 6 at the foster family we called the Mean Old People was how every 10-15 min we got yelled at about something. Whatever we were doing was wrong. Everything we were used to doing got us in trouble. Everything we wanted to do we were told no. They didn’t care about what we wanted or thought. We were bossed around constantly and we hated it. I don’t get it at all. My sister and I were miserable. The Mean Old People were probably miserable. It was a terrible experience for everyone. What exactly did they accomplish?

I am sorry about your negative experience. I was adopted and had a fairly rough time growing up due to severe lack of training and overall bad decisions on my parents end. NOW we have a good relationship, but only after YEARS of turmoil and counseling. I get what you are saying, but I have to disagree with you. Teachers, coaches, and librarians abuse kids all the time. You even admit that many of the foster homes you were in bought things for themselves or their kids and treated you all differently. So, obviously they weren't treating you like you were their kid. It sounds like you guys were in care when you were a bit older. Small kids NEED moms and dads- not mentors and caregivers. (Though those things are important too!) Having been a teen in a group home, I get that many of us didn't want a parent at that point- and attempting to be a hardcore parental figure would have gotten our houseparents no where. The ones that did the best job were the ones who got to know us as people and took the time to learn what we liked and wanted. As far as religion, I do not think there's anything wrong with taking kids to church. For some of these kids, it gives them a place of social acceptance. If any of our foster kids did not want to go to church with us, we would NOT make them. In fact, we have been church hunting to find a church that is really lenient (not an overly fundamental or extremely conservative church) with a good youth program. I am one of the most open minded people ever when it comes to culture and religion. Not only would I respect a child's religious beliefs, but I would help them participate in services of their choosing. (Taking Muslim kids to mosque, etc.) I think that you have a super negative point of view because of your experience and that it is clouding your judgement of ALL foster parents. Don't let it.

My sister was getting in trouble for wearing Nike socks. This isn't the same. My sister wasn't rebelling at first. She was wearing what she wanted to wear that was comfortable and protective. But her foster family gave her a list of wat she could wear to piss them off so she did exactly that. One Christmas I sent her a couple Nike tshirts and her foster family went crazy over it. As soon as she knew what they were against she did it as much as possible esp since she knew they felt the other church members judged them when they saw their foster kid wearing things that werent approved by their bizarro church. Im really pissed off about something. Why do you guys all assume that because my sister was a RAPE VICTIM sheҒs some sort of slut who sleeps around and wears miniskirts? Thats a really awful thing to do. You guys might end up with foster kids who were sexually assaulted and what you think theyҒre all turned into sluts because they were attacked? My sister was 14 when she was raped by our moms boyfriend when he was high on a bunch of drugs and claims he had no idea what he was doing. She was a really good student and managed to continue to do well in school with everything bad that happened to her. She wasn't some sort of bad kid who deserved to be punished by these religious wackos. They made it out like our mom doing drugs and living in "sin" with her boyfriend was the reason she was raped. Why the h*** does anyone thing rape victims are going to go around complete sluts? My sister wouldn't date anyone, wouldn't wear anything other than baggy t-shirts and sweatpants. After my mom's boyfriend got arrested and was facing a bunch of felony charges our mom tried to covince her to say it was concensual so he would get a mistemeanor and drug rehab. Instead of my sister getting help and therapy and stuff like that she got sent to live with crazy wackjob religious people who made her feel a million times worse.

Shiloh, I'm sorry for what you and your siblings went through. Here's a scenario for a 14 yo I was fostering: bio mom was ordered to see her kids 12 hours a week. She chose 9 to 9 on Sunday. There are a total of 3 kids: oldest girl is in group home; I had J, who was 14; youngest sister was in foster home about 10 minutes from me. Before I got J, his ffm would drop him at foster home of S, where they would be picked up. Foster parents of S went to church about 40 minutes away. J and S were left in McDonald's to wait of bio mom was late or didn't show. That's not fair to the kids. We can all talk respect but bio parent(s) have to do their part.

You're not supposed to see it. It is for the food you ate, the hot water you showered with, the wear and tear on the car that they drive you around in, the tylenol you took for a headache, the field trip money you took to school, babysitters when you couldn't be left alone..etc You talk about foster parents using money for their own kid clothes. In another post you talk about a foster family buying your sister new clothes because she only had men`s shirts to wear. Complaining about a terrible experience doesn't change your past. It seems that you're here to bash foster parents. This is a foster parent support. Not a former foster child support group. If things were as terrible as you claim in all of your foster homes and all of your brothers foster homes and all your sisters foster homes, maybe you should get a lawyer and sue the state. You weren't the only kids in foster care during those years. Let your lawyer find other foster children cared for by these same foster parents. File a class action law suit against the state.

I think there are some benefits of Shiloh's raging about the foster parents. Some of us could use to look at a few things differently. A 4yo may not be able to articulate what a 15yo or (now) adult can. At the same time, I'm fairly certain that foster parents in it for the money aren't likely looking for support online either. The people HERE, Shiloh, are supporting one another so we can be the best foster parents we can be, better than we were last year.

I also should bring up the fact that foster parents are NOT teachers or employees of the state. We are not going to a facility to "work". These kids come into our homes and become a part of our families, even if it's only temporary. We should not have to change the way our families operate. We respect kid's rights to believe what they want to believe (and we would even encourage kids to express their own beliefs or lack of beliefs). However, my husband and I are not going to stop praying at meals or take down the spiritual items in our home so we don't offend our foster children. If having those things in our home or doing our normal routine is offensive or deemed as "forcing it" on a person, then I don't know how that person would survive in the real world where the are millions of people with millions of belief systems. Also, my husband and I don't celebrate halloween in a traditional sense. It doesn't make us nut jobs. We just see no joy in celebrating a day of death and scariness. When my niece lived with me, I never took her trick or treating. I baked cookies on halloween and we hung out and watched TV. I let her dress up for school parties but we did not celebrate it at home. She was hardly deprived. I'm gonna have to agree with Kat that you seem to just want to bash foster parents. If that's the case, you should not do it in the foster parent support forum.

That really isn't true. Even in the worst homes, the kids are seeing SOME of it. And many of us are using A LOT of it. It is *impossible* to add a person to your home and NOT also add to the water bill, electric bill, etc. Many longer term foster homes have several children which means we need larger vehicles, I bought a minivan and then a 12 passenger van. We take younger kids so buy carseats. We have to have the right combination for the sizes and needs of our children. My kids are in sports (swimming, gymnastics, CrossFit). They need workout clothing, swim suits, leotards, etc). It costs for competitions, parties, specialty shirts, etc. Though school lunches are paid for, the school is regularly asking for money or supplies. I have to pay babysitters and preschools out of pocket (depending...in our situation, that is the case). My kids LOVE specials like going for frozen yogurt, museums, zoos, Chuck E. Cheese, etc. Gas to go to the park, doctors, etc costs money. Clothing is an ongoing expense. How long do undies last when your 8yo poos in them daily? What about the children who put holes, intentionally, in EVERY single pair of pants or chew on their shirts? That means buying an outfit or two WEEKLY. Beds, bedding, gifts, learning programs, toys, games, books, etc all cost money. I totally get that not every foster parent is doing everything we are. But there is no way they aren't doing ANY of those things. The foster kids are having at least SOME of their needs met with the fostercare stipend even if they don't recognize it before it is spelled out for them.I am terribly sorry you (and your siblings) had so many bad experiences in the system. Please realize many of us have children experiencing much differently.

What about children placed in homes with smokers? I think that should be illegal as the children are exposed to dangerous second hand smoke. Religion, as far as I know, doesn't cause health problems. It's a slippery slope. I think we need stable foster homes so much that going to a different church is just not that important. If the bio parent wants their child to go to their church then they can get them back.