Found birthfather! His wife having a hard time

Ouch.I can see why your birth father's wife is feeling a bit hesitant. It sounds like a once-bitten, twice shy sort of thing. I haven't found my birth father, and I am unlikely to, as it appears likely my birth mother took that secret to her grave... But I can suggest that most likely, your birth father's wife will need some time to adjust to you. First of all, she's only known about you for a few weeks, right? So you're still "news" and she doesn't know you all that well. And, given her last experience with a long-lost daughter of her husband showing up and sadly spreading her mess around, she's going to need some time to get to know you and recognize that she's not in for a repeat performance. His wife's probably got her mama-bear face on, all fierce and ready to protect her loved ones. It's understandable, if inconvenient and uncomfortable for you.So first, give her time. As time goes on, she'll hopefully see that this is a totally different situation and she'll be able to relax and learn to appreciate you. If her guard stays up, you can try to put her mind at ease... you can aim for a one-on-one conversation with her where you assure her that you are not looking to make a mess of her life, her children's lives, or your father's life... you're just looking to find your place in ALL their lives. You want to love them all, right? And adding more love to a family can only be a good thing - it never takes away from the love that's already there.I'm sorry you have to walk a tricky path because of what someone else did.Hang in there. Time and your own good intentions are your best allies.

I can see why his wife is being very cautious and protective. No one wants to do the "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" thing. That said, what she needs to come around to realizing is that you are a different person from your half sister. I did find my b-father. Frankly I was singularly unimpressed as he did his ostrich impression, sticking his head in the sand and hiding until the scary thing (me) went away. That seems to be his MO in life because not only did he bail on my b-mom while she was pregnant with me, he also never told the woman he immediately turned around and married about me. I'm his only child and he wants nothing to do with me. It sucked at first and is still a little sad, but now is basically okay. They're still married, and she knows nothing about his 50 year old secret. Sometimes I just have to shake my head and wonder...

Congrats on your new daughter dad relationship :) I found my Dad too and we became very close quickly and still are ten plus years later. He too had another girl that got in touch with him saying he was her father. They did blood tests and he wasn't, and he didn't want to be, she had big troubles with drugs and drama too, along with her family. She still continued to claim he was her father, crank phone calls, rumors. It was not good for Dad and his wife and kids. Wanted me to do a DNA test with her. She ended her life about a year after I met my Dad.:( Then I show up in my Dad's wife's life. His wife called me the minute she heard about me. Scared the crap out of me LOL Asked what is up in an obviously angry and concerned way. She's a tuff lady. I explained things, and went to meet her the next weekend as she insisted. And meet my dad and brothers LOL but mostly I was worried about making her feel at peace, and I am glad I was. For us it was obvious that the women, the moms, (me and his wife) were "in charge" of family relationships. We were our clans leaders, now we lead together and try to keep our kids and other family relationships close and in tact. DNA tests were done, explanations of the past were finished. I put a lot of effort into our relationship, it wasn't easy. I am glad I did, we are very close now. Don't tell anyone :rolleyes: but now she's my favorite "Mom" and one of my closest friends. We both take each others side when dealing with Dad. He doesn't stand a chance of winning an argument or decision with his two bossy women sticking together.

I am glad to hear that you were able to establish a relationship with the wife. I hope to be there one day. I know I have to give her time, and right no the 'ball is in her court' as to when I meet her and when his kids know I exist. I had strong anxieties earlier this week but b-dad confirmed he will always be there for me and always love me. Which was amazing.

I also found my father, but he is divorced, so I don't have the added mix of dealing with a wife or other children.From what I've learned from others who have been in situations similar to yours, you should make sure that she knows you want a relationship with the entire family, not just with your b-father.This relationship sounds promising to me. She seems to have been open to having a relationship with the other girl who claimed to be your b-father's daughter. That is usually the toughest part. Far too often the spouses do not want anything to do with their spouses' long lost children. The fact that she tried to have a relationship with the girl speaks volumes about who she is as a person. You just need to give her time to get to know you.

I would give her a bit of time as suggested. It's difficult to be in a situation where your presence in the world contributes to someone's insecurity but that's what it boils down to. You had no control over his past or the other girl's behaviour. Her reaction is hers to own. If her trust is shaken they need to work through that. Essentially it's your father's past but if his past causes stress for his wife; it's their issue to rectify. You could stand on your head and spit quarters trying to calm the waters but if his wife has a seed of doubt about his fidelity to her based on whatever or resentment about his other daughter disrupting her life; you can't fix that. You can only be who you are and he will have to help her understand that you are important enough to him to take the risk. It might help to write a letter reassuring her that you recognize the situation. If she knows that you are aware of her feelings and that you respect her position in his life it may help. However you could reassure her til the cows come home but if she's not ready to take the risk it will take time. It's a dilemma because you have done nothing wrong.