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I apologize in advance for the long post.
My 18 yr old niece is expecting her first child in a few weeks. When, she announced her pregnancy months ago several of my friends asked if I would be interested in adopting. Originally, I was adamant that was not an option. (I thought our first adoption should be an easier one. I think an adoption with family (especially my sister's family) would have lots of complications.)
About a month ago, I started to re-consider after my other niece made a comment pertaining to adoption. My DH and I had discussed it several times prior but I always said no. But, I went to him telling me that I was ready to discuss it seriously. He was on board from the beginning.
Niece has expressed no desire to place her child for adoption at least not to me. Her younger sister said she thinks that pregnant niece is regretting not choosing adoption. (Previously my sister told me adoption is/was not an option, which is another reason I hadn't said anything before. So, I'm not sure the whole deal there.)
We haven't said anything to niece in person because there is always too many people around, it was her graduation, her baby shower etc. We won't see niece again until our DD's birthday, which is 2 weeks prior to niece's due date. (We live 2 hrs away from my sister's family.)
DH and I both think we should do it soon, so she has lots of time to think about it before delivery. We are also willing to take the baby later, if niece decides to parent. And then decides it's not for her.
I'm considering writing her a letter. But, I have no idea what to say or how to say it? Is there a form letter, I should follow?
This weekend, I was looking at a baby gift, I commented that it was really cute/cool. And that there was nothing like that when my DD was a baby. My cousin said I should have another. And jokingly, I told her that if she had another baby, I would raise it for her. Two of my sisters heard me say that. (Not the sister who is the mother of my pregnant niece.) My younger sister told me I should talk to my niece that she (younger sister) thinks niece would go for it. And then, both sisters told my Mom it was a good idea.
I think that if niece allows us to adopt that it will be a very weird awkward situation for awhile. But, my DH and I are willing to try in order to give this child a better life. We just need to figure how to set the ball in motion.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks.
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As a relative who adopted, I encourage you to think about it very carefully and KNOW what you are willing to lose in regards to family. Are you prepared for the niece and your sister to blame you for their loss? Are you prepared to enforce strict boundaries as far as contact/parenting decisions? What about the inter-family strife that can come form people taking sides? If, for some reason, you have to stop any contact with your sister and her family-are you ok with missing family functions?
It is one of the most complicated situations I've ever been in, and it will never end. We wouldn't have done anything different, we love our kids. But as much as I tried to think about negative ramifications, I missed some biggies!
I don't know if I would advise contacting her about it. She's pretty vulnerable, right now. I'd wait and see if she wants/needs that option later.
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Two of your sisters, a cousin and your Mom seem to know that you are willing. I think that could do it. If your niece decides to consider adoption, and any one of them gets wind of it, I'd imagine at least one of them would let her know you would be there to help her and to keep the baby in the family - if she is interested in that.
I get the feeling from my other niece (sister of the pregnant one) that she regrets not choosing adoption earlier in the pregnancy. My younger niece said her parents are using this as a punishment for her sister "You made the baby, you will take care of it."
My original reasons for not discussing this seriously earlier was that I think my sister and brother-in-law will be difficult to handle. I honestly believed that my niece would have looked at us as glorified babysitters until she could get the baby back. But after hearing things my niece has said and conversations with my younger sister and Mom, I think my niece would walk away. Just showing interest around holidays.
I think that the majority of my family will be on our side. As long as I am respectable (and firm) in my dealings with my sister, niece and brother-in-law I think we can handle it. Will it be a walk in the park, no. Will there be days I wish I could block all of them from my life, yes. But, when I think of the fact that baby would have a better, successful, happier life with my family, it's worth it to me. I can always not answer the phone.
There are tons of what-ifs and everyone involved (including my DH, myself and our DD) should get therapy.
I've thought, analyzed and prayed about it. Now, I think we should do something. If not, how will my niece ever know there is another solution.
Because your niece has not broached the topic of adoption, it's not right to approach her with anything except your support in helping her parent her child. From what I read in your posts, there's no good reason to believe that she's considering adoption.I know your niece is young, but I don't think it's right for your friends & family to be discussing adoption. If I were your niece and I learned that the people around me were trying to find adoptive parents for my child, I would feel betrayed and unsupported, as if the people closest to me were conspiring to take my baby. If there's more to the story and your niece has expressed an interest in adoption, I think you've made your feelings clear to enough people close to her that she'd know where you stand.
I agree - if your niece approaches YOU with a plan, then great. Other than that, there is no proper way for your to propose taking her child from her without it being really offensive. When you see her at your daughter's birthday party, I would say something along the lines of "we will support you in anyway you need. We love you very much" and leave it at that. Anything else is offensive, in my opinion.
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I'm not trying to be offensive.
My friends asked because they know the situation with my niece, her lifestyle and her family home life.
The conversation with my cousin was in a joking manner. My sisters heard it and thought that was the best solution (again because of the situation). My sisters talked among themselves about the idea. My Mom just relayed the conversation.
Other than my DH and I, NO ONE knows we are even considering adoption. So, no the whole world doesn't know our plans or our intentions. (Therefore, niece doesn't know this could be the answer to her possible prayers.) We've been discussing it for about 3 years and finally made a decision about 9-10 months ago to set the ball in motion.
We've started researching and discussing more options. Until my younger niece made the comment that her sister is possibly regretting not choosing adoption, DH and I were planning to adopt an older child from foster care.
And the conversation was going to include: we are going to adopt whether it's this baby or another. Meaning, we are not pinning our hopes/dreams on this baby.
Mami, Please take the advice already offered. It seems your family is more than chatty enough that if your niece decides to research adoption you would know about it. You as an Aunt hold a position of power to a teenage niece - for you to suggest she consider adopting out her baby to you when she did not start the conversation - would start on the wrong foot and could be seen as coercive. Contrary to what you have noted - you do not have to consider adoption while you are still pregnant - you can consider it at any time - pre or post birth. No expectant mother can choose adoption before they have said HELLO... Kind regards,Dickons
Ditto what Dickons and others have said.All you really know is that other people think this would be a good idea, and her sister thinks she might have regrets about becoming a parent. I know that you think her situation is not a good one for parenting; in that case I would suggest offering her support. You might write to her or call her and ask her how she's doing and is there any way you can help. Offer to be a listening ear if she ever needs one. If you are comfortable and able to, you could offer for her to stay with you for a while if she wants so that she isn't in that unhealthy environment. Even though the whole world doesn't know you are planning to adopt, it sounds like there are people (like your other niece and your sisters) who know and can tell her if she ever brings it up, and if she brings up the idea of adoption you can let her know you are looking to adopt. Otherwise you are likely to come across as one more person trying to make her decisions for her, and she really needs to be able to make her own decision about this.
UPDATE: Niece had a beautiful baby in July. My sister is basically the mom, because niece is too busy with other stuff. (Not important mom stuff, just boys and parties.) The baby is an accessory just as we predicted. Last Friday night, all h3ll broke loose. Long story short, my sister called the cops on my niece. Niece decided boyfriend was more important, so my sister was given custody of the baby until Monday morning. (Court date) On Monday morning, I called my sister. I told her I was praying for her and that the baby ended up where best. I told her I heard there was a chance the baby could go to foster care. And if that happened, DH and I wanted to step in. We didn't want the baby to go to FC, so we'd take care of the baby as needed. My sister called my Mom to tell her our offer. Mom told sister, that we were looking into adoption and that we might be interested in taking the child. Not exactly the way I wanted people to find out, but it's done.Our social worker told us even though, my sister now has custody, niece can still decide on adoption. However, I'm not sure my sister will say anything to her about it.When I talked to my sister, I never used the word adoption, because I was simply worried about keeping the child out of foster care. I didn't want to bombard her with too much information.If niece decides that her child would be better off with us, we'll glad work to make that happen. Even if she doesn't, we're still on the path to adopt thru our social worker. Please pray for my sister, my niece and her child. Please pray that niece sees the light that her child is everything and not her boyfriend. Pray my sister has the courage to continue to hold her daughter accountable. Please pray for the child.So, please pray for my sister, my niece and her child.
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