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I've read so many stories here from the FP's perspective about having to give up FK's they had hoped to adopted. What about the family? We are not all evil...
Long story not so long... 39yo sister who has fought drug and alcohol addiction for 20 years, moved away long ago to avoid the prying eyes of her family. We have contact only on her terms... Anyway, she had little girl K a year ago on mothers day. 3 months premature... We had limited communication with mom while mom was in the hospital, but once she was released, we were limited to what she posted on Facebook. Judging by those posts, baby K was doing very well, but once K was released we couldn't get any information. Just like in the past, no news is usually good news but my last conversation with mom, she went on and on about how K was a miracle and was doing so well.... Month's pass without any news. Mom's oldest daughter, 21, would always say that K was doing good. Finally in September, the daughter admitted that K test positive for alcohol when born and that K had gone from the hospital to foster care until mom went to rehab, found a place to live and a job, then she could have K back. The daughter said mom was working her plan and doing very well, should get K back anytime. The family was upset, but without more info we couldn't do much but hope everything worked out... more months go by, daughter says things are good... In February, we find out the truth... K has been in foster care all along, daughter hasn't heard from mom... With the help of some friends that are foster parents, we managed to finally get the name of the CW and a phone number. K was 3mo preemie, meth and alcohol exposed, fetal alcohol syndrome and a hole in her heart. Despite her medical needs, she was doing very well, but no one had heard or seen mom in 4 months. Mom had never worked the plan. TPR was right around the corner and CW said she was just about to start looking for family that might want to adopt. Feb 15th I told the CW that my wife and I wanted K placed with us in Texas, K is in Oklahoma... CW says she will start working on the paperwork and we were finally able to schedule a visit on March 4th. K was awesome and she is with a great foster family and 9mo old at this point. Found out the heart surgery was scheduled for the end of March and CW again says she will start paperwork and that there is a hearing on March 7th. We didn't go to the hearing because CW said it wasnt important and that she would let us know what happened and she would inform the court of our desire to take K back to Texas. At this point the CW stopped communicating with us until I got her supervisor involved which set off several heated emails a couple days before the surgery. We finally find out that the judge told the CW to start the ICPC process. Surgery went great, FP's let us spend most of 2 days with K immediately after surgery. Met with CW again while in town, CW is about 14 months pregnant by this time and says she goes on maternity leave at the end of April, good new to us because the supervisor is much more helpful. Meanwhile, we contact a local FAD worker who gets us started on what we need for our foster/adopt license that will be needed for ICPC. We work like crazy people to get everything done, but we cant take pre-service training until Texas gets ICPC paperwork, which didn't arrive until April 30th.... Yep, most of 2 months to get the paperwork done.... Now we're working as fast as we can to get training done.... Last week was the next hearing, with new CW, praise the lord. Judge doesn't TPR put rather schedules Jury Trial to TPR at end of July. We attended this time and will from now on, CW told judge that our preliminary home study was good, just waiting for the it to be completed and ICPC paperwork to come back. Admits that it was OKDHS's fault that the ICPC paperwork was not done sooner, he didn't really care, just said to talk to him when it's done and at this point the foster parents inform the judge that they will contest the placement, which sucked because they had told us that they wouldn't do that...... Now, the CW says the TPR delay was good because it gives us time to get licensed, hopefully before mid-july which will be the 1 year mark that K has been with this family. In OK at 1 year, the court gives the FP's wishes more weight. CW says if we can get ICPC done ASAP, she will expedite and take to the judge to try to get K placed with us as a foster, which will be harder for FP to fight. After 1 year mark, we will have a big fight on our hands.
At this point, I have consulted an attorney, but haven't paid the retainer yet. Until the ICPC is approved, I can't do anything anyway. Has anyone ever heard of the CW's plan to get K placed with us as a foster work? Especially that close to TPR? The attorney says I have a case because OKDHS is required to continue to make diligent effort to locate willing/capable family to place the child with. No one from mom's family has ever been contacted. A simple Google search of my sisters name ties her to me. CW also admitted to me in February that she hadn't even begun looking for us. Although, dad's family had been involved early on, but he has another child in OKDHS custody and one other child that had already been TPR. But, no one from his family wanted K or could pass a home study. The other issue, the original CW seemed to have an obvious relationship with the foster family, they spoke of a party they were going to that next Friday night. My wife and I felt very uneasy about things after that visit, but then the FP's were so inviting to us at hospital and foster dad told my wife and I that they had no ulterior motives and believed K belonged with her family. We felt like things would be fine.
After that first visit, the CW wouldn't return calls, texts or emails. The ICPC paperwork didn't get done until I had the local FAD worker contact the CW supervisor at the end of April. I think the CW knew that the FP's wanted to adopt and purposely drug things out trying to reach that 1 year mark. Being she made no effort to locate family and all but refused to do the ICPC paperwork.
I feel like we have a pretty good case, but notice last week at the hearing that the FP's are loved by all the OKDHS and court staff. The GAL brought K a gift and the judge took time out of a packed docket to play with K and talk to FP's... I fear that we are screwed before we even get our day in court. I have vowed to the CW that I will stop and nothing to bring K home, no matter the cost. It's just so hard to fight when the system that is supposed to be working for you obviously isn't. I have a small hope that once the FP's figure out that we aren't going down without a fight, that they will give in.
I hope someone has some kind of advice. I hope this made some sense at all, I tried to keep it short....fail
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One thing about OKDHS is that the whole system is pretty much in turmoil right now. Between the lawsuit and settlement resulting in the pinacle plan and the reorganization of DHS as the result of a recent state vote, everything in the system is changing.
It is awful that it is taking so long. It is bad for you but even worse for that baby. So many things in our foster care system are broken but the process of moving children, especially very young children, into out of state relative care is probably the worst.
In the end they probably will have to move this baby, they can't just delay it, and delay it, and then claim it is too late. However, as an early childhood educator and mom who adopted a toddler, I know the price this baby is going to pay for OKDHS's mistakes. All I can say is, be prepared to do some serious attachment work once this child comes home. Don't let anyone tell you, it won't matter and the baby is too little to remember.
This system stinks!
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Thanks for your reply.
I have read about the OKDHS troubles and I can confirm that the system is definitely broken. Unfortunately I think the problems run very deep and won't be easily fixed.
The attachment issues are something that we've been very concerned with. We expect to deal with that for a while. I'm hoping to find a class or counseling or at least a good book to help us help K through this time. FM is constantly commenting about how attached K is to her and their family and friends. While I believe it's true, I think her comments are just a way to try to scare us off. She tried that early on with her medical conditions, but has since given up on that after watching us stand by K's bed for 8+ hours straight, post-op, to keep her from pulling out wires and tubes that seemed to come from everywhere.
If you continue to do the right things for the right reasons, eventually the right things will happen.
OMG do whatever needed. Don't hesitate if you want this 100%. The longer you wait, the more they hold that against you. We called and faught for 11 months and went thru an appeal when placement was with us. We finished the ICPC after getting fully licensed here as a foster home too and they still faught us. It's been 7 years!!! OMG can you guys believe that? Our daughter is now almost 14 (was 6 when moved here across country). She is amazing!!!! All I can say is if you want this badly you have to fight it sometimes. SW's don't care. They will hope you leave them alone. Also, check to see if there is a "Child Protection Team" in your area. They refer you to counselors that deal with abuse, neglect, attachment issues, etc...we found an AMAZING one about a year ago and she has helped all of us tremendously.
Ok, our ICPC was approved and the CW notified the FP of removal 06/13. I understand that because they have had K more than 6 months, they are given 5 days to object, which they did. Hearing set for 07/02.
We hired an attorney, which is not easy to do. Two attorney's were recommended to us. One is a very expensive adoption attorney, but supposed to be very good. The other is less experienced, much more affordable, worked for OKDHS child welfare for 9 years before becoming an attorney about 8 years ago. He is very active in this court, member of a court improvement board for child welfare, is a GAL and has worked closely with K's GAL, Asst DA and CW. We went with the latter because past experience has told us more $$$ doesn't = better and sometimes its about who you know, not what you know. The price didn't hurt either.
Anyway, FP's objected because K is very bonded to them as they are the only family K has known, she went to them straight from the hospital, 07/13/12, and that they believe contact with K's siblings would cease if she came to us in Texas. K has a 10yr old half sister and 8yr old half-brother both in OK, in different families. FP's have only begun trying to have visits with siblings within the last month, as far as I know, and that may have only been 1 time each. I don't know K's paternal half brother, her sister is my niece. We have had very little contact with this niece, I've only seen her once in 10yrs. My sister has not let us be involved in her life, but we recently have discovered how to contact her dad who now has custody. I do not know how much of that story the FP's know, but I assume they base the sibling issue off of our lack of contact with her or the fact that we live 5 1/2 hrs away. I don't know how to argue this question other than promising to maintain their connections. The bond/attachment issue will also be difficult to argue. It's completely understandable that she would be attached, but we are willing to do as much as possible to ease the transition. But, 07/13/13 with be the 1yr anniversary of the placement and they will have legal standing if she remains in their home until then. If the court rules in our favor and they appeal, then a stay on the placement will hold things up for even longer. What a mess.... TPR trial is 07/29. The CW supports my wife and I 100% and I credit her with expediting the ICPC once it got back to OK, she is awesome. I don't know who the GAL and DA will support.
To top it all off, my sister (biomom) has taken the opinion that I'm up to know good, just trying to take her baby. She says the CW and OKDHS are just lying to me about her meth and alcohol addictions, blown things out of proportion etc. But, FM has reached out to her and I'm told that FM promised to help my sister keep her baby... I fear that she may show up and support FM and that may hurt our case badly. One hope is that the judge will not hear her or consider her opinion because he had already terminated my sisters visitation because she missed 3 hearings, has not worked her plan and made no attempt to see K for about 7 months. She obviously hasn't had K's best interest in mind. She also has 3 outstanding warrants, all FTA and 1 is on a felony case. She still believes she can get K back... My other sister is putting pressure on her to stay out of it or support me.
I'm just praying that the preference for keeping the family connections in tact is given as much weight as everyone says.....
We had the same issue with the appeal by the FP's when move was recommended to us across country. Our daughters 2 half siblings live in WA state, we are in FL and she was in FC in ID (ID to WA is closer then us). They said because of the distance there would be no contact between them. They judged us a lot, assuming this was an issue, and tried to bring up anything to stop us from getting placement. They also brought up a therapist whom never once met us or spoke to us over the phone whom said moving her would be disastrous and cause attachment issues, etc.... So what we did was typed up a response to all the issues they brought up, disputing every single one! Luckily we have a relationship with the half siblings parents (which happen to be the grandparents). They did not want another child so left it to ID state to determine what to do. The letter was factual, not emotional, and listed what we would do if we had placement which included staying in touch with siblings and visiting as often as possible. It worked in our favor and they realized we would do whatever we could in our power to keep the sibling bond going. In fact last Christmas we flew our daughter to grandparents to spend 3 weeks there with them and her siblings. I'm not saying it wouldn't have been easier to let her stay there but they also can't say we are the type of people to just not allow it either. We did what we could and are still doing what we can. They talk on the phone, text, and have facebook accounts they can correspond thru. Have you thought of typing up a letter to either Judge or whomever makes placement decision to explain what you are willing to do with placement is with you? We also CC'd everyone involved including CASA, DCF, Therapist, and Governors office (which we had to reach out to because of nobody taking us seriously). BTW: I sure wish all these people who thought moving her here would be awful could see her now!!! A/B honor roll student, doing well in everything, had tons of friends, makes great choices, and is taking voice lessons (she has an amazing voice!) and hoping to be a star! Maybe audition for American Idol in a few years. Of course she is our Star no matter what...:)
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Thanks for sharing...
The attorney has asked us to think about those same things and be able to tell the court what we are willing and able to do. CW says that our actions over the last 4-5 months prove that we are not opposed to making frequent trips to OK...5 1/2hrs up 1 1/2hr visit and then back, makes for a long day, but we've done this 5 times in the last 4 months as well as a staying 3 days with K for her heart surgery. We actually would have visited more if it hadn't been for her recovery and pre-service classes, inspections etc...
We've also been in touch with a CW locally who is helping us to find services to help deal with the attachment issues. This will be difficult no matter what, but we will do whatever she needs to work through this.
He also wants us to be able to explain to the court why family is important to us and why keep K in the family will ultimately be in her best interest. Seems easy, until you try to articulate it.
Bulkhead
Thanks for sharing... He also wants us to be able to explain to the court why family is important to us and why keep K in the family will ultimately be in her best interest. Seems easy, until you try to articulate it.
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I think it went well, I believe my attorney choice was the correct one.
Their attorney tried to make the case that since K had come to them from the hospital, she had a closer kin-like relationship than our blood relationship. Since TPR was likely to happen in a few weeks, this hearing is premature. Conveniently, we would loose our only legal advantage by waiting.They also argued that the FP would be better able to keep her connected to her half-siblings. He attempted to suggest that we should have figured it out sooner, but let it drop pretty quickly when I explained the chain of events.
Our attorney answered that the statute was very clear about kinship placement. Waiting for TPR would be counter to the statute. The FP's had only recently began making an effort for K to visit sibling, a total of 3 visits ever. Our actions prove that we were willing and able to meet any expectations the court ordered regarding sibling and parental visits. He argued that we are only late to this case because DHS's failure to make diligent efforts to locate maternal kin.
DHS admitted to never looking for maternal kin since paternal kin was available but unable to pass home studies. The CW who is also a supervisor, stated that it would be in the childs best interest to be placed in my home. The DA recommend the Judge not hesitate placing the child with us, if DHS had done their job she would have been with us long ago. The GAL was conflicted as his client could not speak for herself, but would probably want to stay with FP because that is all she knows, but recognized that she would have been best served with us had DHS found us from the start, he said K looses either way and did not envy the judges responsibility for making this decision. Then the Judge had his turn. He tore the CW up. Eventually he got so heated that you might say he was yelling at the CW that they have an absolute responsibility to locate family and it was completely unacceptable to blow it off. He wanted her to make sure that everyone up the food chain at DHS was aware of his feelings that this should never happen again. Then he yelled at my sister, who was sitting in support of the FP's. All of this started with her desire to hide her screw ups from her family at the expense of her child, her actions were despicable. He said he was furious that BM and DHS had pitted two good families against each other forcing him to make a decision in a situation that should never ever have happened....
He will give the attorneys a week to file legal briefs and will make his decision within a week after that. He sincerely apologized to us and the FP's.
Gotta love a judge who gets it. This should never have happened. It seems like the legal system often treats kids like property that can change hands according to various judgements and appeals, over a period of years with no damage. OKDHS dropped the ball and one way or the other a baby is going to pay for it. Not only that but like the judge pointed out, two families with nothing but intentions to love this little girl are going through agony.
In our case the judge didn't want anything to do with it!! He told everyone during hearing "I refuse to sit on a custody battle!" I can remember the FPs giving us an evil eye after that in the courtroom and when they left we were chatting outside with the casa worker and they blatantly said to cw "so when do we get our money for our travel expenses to this hearing?" Omg
Hopefully it will work out.
We've all remained civil, thankfully. The FP's told the court that they liked us and that there was no doubt we could give K everything she needs, but that they were so attached that they didn't want to let her go. It was difficult, both families were crying. I had a difficult time keeping it together enough to speak. I also expressed that they had done a wonderful job and if placed with us we would absolutely be willing to keep them in K's life, they are a very important part of it.
We visited with K for an hour or so after the hearing. It's a little awkward, but I think both sides can relate to the others. But neither one is willing to give in. I know I've had moments of frustration and have been angry with them for doing this, and I'm sure they have had the same feelings. Deep down I know they are good people, doing what they think is right.
I also feel bad for the cw supervisor. Once she was really involved, she has worked her tail off. But, as the supervisor of the case, she shares blame for letting us fall thru the cracks. Although, unlike the original cw (who should find another line of work), she will stand there and accept responsibility. I truly believe she will not let this happen again, not in cases she is responsible for.
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Bulkhead
We've all remained civil, thankfully. The FP's told the court that they liked us and that there was no doubt we could give K everything she needs, but that they were so attached that they didn't want to let her go.