Is it possible to fake it til you make it even if you never make it

It sounds like you have made some good progress, and your husband too. He is willing to do less, for you, and you are willing to do more, for him. She took an awful lot from you, but it sounds like she is not going to take your marriage, and that's something. How is she doing in the new foster home? How are things with her GAL now? Is the therapist addressing the obvious triangulation that's happened with your husband?

The new foster home is great. They have been at it a long time. The GAL we are basically not communicating with, no shock. She is mad we aren't coming to the case plan. And my husband doesn't come to therapy, it is just her and I cause him and her are just fine. I am the evil one.

and we had a knock down drag out tonight so I dk about the marriage.

This kind of stuff isn't uncommon when it comes to RADS and marriage. The mother figure is ALWAYS the one to receive the worst of everything, period. Like a lot of society, the father figure can't understand why there're so many 'problems' between the mother and the child---but that's the nature of RAD. The bigger issue would seem to be your marriage...and that has to be separate from the RAD. I get that you're angry; I understand that more than you could know....but I also know you have to let this go. I've never been one to believe in 'fake it', because I think it's lying about what true feelings are (I know there are others here who would disagree with me, but that's okay). But, how your dh feels about your dd can't have any bearing on how you and your dh are dealing with each other---though I realize that's probably not where you are now. I think someone awhile back suggested marriage counseling for just the two of you...is that totally out of the question? Because ANY marriage is usually hurt to some degree by having a RAD in the home---even after the RAD leaves. (The divorce and suicide rate of families with RAD children is MUCH higher than the norm, and it's no wonder. And I'm NOT talking about the RADs themselves; I'm talking about the parents and sibs of RADs....at least this is what our attachment therapist told us many years ago.) That said, even if your dh can't understand why you and your dd couldn't get along; or why she seemed so wonderful to him, and not you....none of that really should matter at this point. None of it. Your dd is/has left, period. What she chooses to do with her life---foster family or not----is now *her* choice. Your family truly doesn't have to bring her home anymore, right? And in a few years, you'll not have to even talk with her again if you don't want to---is that correct? (If not, please correct me.) So, the issue is still what's left of your dh and you and your family in the wake of dealing with a very manipulative RAD and all that goes along with it. Forget trying to analyze it all; quit beating yourself up. You've done your best---and like many of us who had failed situations with RADs, it wasn't enough (because NOTHING is ever enough with many RADs). And when you find yourself sliding back into that, 'why didn't it happen this way; or, why doesn't my dh feel as angry as I do?; or, why is my former dd able to do this or that and not have to pay for any of it, etc' Let-it-go. Let-it-go. She'll have to deal with life sooner than later. Let her do it, because, if no other reason, *you* can't do it for her. Be kind to yourself. What your dh feels is up to him and honestly, he'll probably never understand *your side* of what happened with the RAD because, as many of us know, you have to live with a RAD to understand the hell they bring. I don't write this to be harsh. I write it because this is all too familiar with how and what happens when RADs enter a family. I know because I've BTDT more than once and I've yet to get my own dh to completely understand how awful it was. Most Sincerely, Linny

Nope. He wants her. He wants to have a relationship with her. Her older sister does too after she is out of care. Right now we have phone calls twice a month and I am doing therapy with her. My DH and I also go to my counselor once in a while but there are only so many hours in the week. First he wanted to take her out for lunch one a month now it's twice. He won't go without me. He wants to get to a point where she can come for family holidays. So not it will never be over for me.

How are you doing? Think about you since you are in a hard situation. When is she 18? How are things going at therapy? I have a 12 year old with rad.

Well I got a new job so therapy is not able to continue. It is 60 miles from the therapists office and she does no evening appointments. So at our last appt my daughter told me I picked a job over her. I told her for once I chose my happiness over my kids and I would not apologize for that. She went to town and of course blames the county attorney for her being in care. No responsibility. Lots of demands, wants her savings acct money, won't be the kid who has to crash at other peoples houses cause her family won't let her come spend the weekends when she goes to college etc. etc etc. The agency is dragging their feet on the visits and being their usual pain in the butt. But since we don't have the money for a decent lawyer and our court appointed won't help I guess it is what it is. The agency has to do the phone calls cause they are court ordered. We couldn't even fill a 15 minute phone call tonight so I would love to know how the heck we would fill a visit anyway.

When is she 18? That is such a hard hard thing. Do you have other kiddos? Are any of the other kiddos adopted? How old are they?

18 in January but won't graduate until may IF she graduates. Yes we adopted her two bio siblings along with her. They are 21 and 20 and want nothing to do with her because of what she has done.

That is so hard you are in my thoughts. I am just going down the tougher roads...in March my daughter will be 13!