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Not certain which section of the forum is best for this, so I'm adding it here:
The good news: I am in reunion with my birth mother's family. (She herself passed away before I found her, but I'm now in touch with her sister, mother, and 3 daughters, and they've welcomed me as a long-lost family member.)
The bad news: my (adoptive) family isn't entirely supportive. In fact, it's breaking us apart.
My father actually is wholly supportive - he's never been one to feel insecure or worry much. He's happy that I've found nice people and wishes me well. He's curious, asks questions, is genuinely happy on my behalf... that part's great.
My mother, on the other hand, is... well, she's unhappy and uncomfortable, but at least she's trying. We've battled about my desire to find my birth parents for decades (I'm in my 30's and have ALWAYS known I wanted to search - she has always been adamantly against it). I knew she would be unhappy - she's always come straight out and said that she felt threatened and unloved, like I was looking to replace her as my mom whenever the topic came up. No matter how many times I told her it was about adding to my life, never about subtracting from it. I honestly think that the only reason she didn't flip out upon hearing was that I started by explaining that my birth mother was already gone. I've never understood her take on it, but I respected it, and allowed it to hold me back from searching for a long time. She has told me that she'll try to be happy for me. Best I could have hoped for, really.
And now, the downright ugly. My sister is also adopted (not biologically related to me), but has never been curious about her own biological family. After telling my parents about my search and its results, I called her to let her know as well, figuring she'd be largely uninterested in what I had to say, but also figuring that being honest and upfront was the right thing to do. I barely sketched out my discoveries before she opened fire on me with the nastiest insults she could think of. In short, she told me that I've never been a true part of our family and I should go hang out with my "real" biological family because they didn't hate me... yet.
(Honestly, yes, I have struggled over the years with my relationships with my family, but I do love them and I make sure to express it in my words and my actions. I dote on my niece and nephew, her two kids, and I encourage my small son to be close with his cousins. I am the go-to person in my family whenever someone else needs help; I previously left my career as a teacher to become a caretaker for my mother when she was struggling with a series of health problems. I set my sister up with a friend of mine because I thought they'd be a good match... and he's now her husband. I'm not perfect and my path with my family hasn't always been smooth, but what she spat at me was truly awful, purposely hurtful, and patently untrue.)
The hate and spite that poured from her for about 15 minutes totally shocked me. She asked me how I thought she'd respond, and I said, "Well, I was hoping for a little support from my 'real' sister." She said she had none for me and hung up.
It's probably obvious that we aren't speaking now.
My parents are torn up about the rift. I am too. I cannot even fathom how my news (delivered calmly and carefully in clinical language - "I discovered that I have a biological aunt and biological half-sisters, and I'm now in touch with them - they've welcomed me with open arms") could lead to the sort of venom that my sister spat at me.
I should probably add that my sister saw her best friend, a fellow adoptee, through her own search and contact/reunion with her own birth mother, and supported her 100% through the process.
I know that nobody here can give me the clarity I seek, the insight into my sister's mind and thoughts. But I'd love some feedback from people who have spoken to family about their reunions - the good and the bad. Perhaps in hearing others' experiences, I'll find a thread that leads me to understanding my sister's meltdown. And perhaps see a way to bridge the distance she's now thrown between us...
Thanks.
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My adopted mother reacted very strongly against my interest in searching and lashed out when I found my first family. She said some pretty harsh things but after some time...I think it was almost a year of me calling and getting a cold shoulder before things evened out.
I reassured her for the first little while and then one day I said "If you are going to talk like that about it; I am not listening".
I know that she was very resentful and afraid that it would replace her if I found out what I needed to know.
Your sister might need to spew some harsh words wrapped up in her own issues and see that you aren't going to turn your back on her. Give her some time.
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Well, congrats on finding the guts to tell them, I know how hard that can be!!
My parents reacted very much the same when I finally found the strength to tell them. My abrothers (their bio kids) took it OK. They were both upset a little by it tho. Mostly worried about mom and dad. And the "real" brother sister factor came up for a while. Especially one brother, but he's not one to talk much so I didn't have to hear all that.
But I did catch it good from a really close friend, who happens to be an adoptee. I was shocked.
I know it was her reaction to her own adoptee loyalty/fear stuff, not so much anything to do with me. Years later, she knows it now too. I hope your sister will be able to understand (admit to herself) why she reacted the way she did one day soon too.
The first year or so I spent extra, extra, extra time reassuring people, and still do some. I mailed more corny, mushy Hallmark cards in those first two years than in my whole life combined. Bit my tongue long enough to realize, they really have no need to know how it all affected me, all the details at least. They will ask if they want to know. I wanted to share some of the difficult things I was going thru with my reunion, and did some, they didn't really want to hear it. Couldn't understand and seemed to take any difficult feelings I faced as an insult to them. So I quit talking about it, and just concentrated on their feelings and helping them feel more secure in that nothing had really changed for us, and wasn't going to. It was as if I had to prove it to them. Guess I did.
Ten years later... they've all pretty much forgotten about it. It's not in the forefront now anyway, no big deal, it just is.
My Dad and I talk about our individual dead ancestors a lot. The extensive genealogy work I've done on my family, and his (and Mom's) has helped us to talk about it without difficult feelings - more than anything. This is a normal thing, it's not as big and scary as it seems, anyone can be interested in family history, and in other peoples family history. I get just as excited when I find another ancestor of his from long ago, as I do mine. Well, maybe not just as, but similarly excited LOL
He's beginning to understand more, it helps that we talk about his family relationships, his parents and grandparents divorced and remarried, which was very rare in that time. So he gets the pull of two families some since he had a step father and half-sibs that he loved very much.
My Mom seems to be all happy, proud and confident to finally know deep down that what we have is really real, strong and forever. Her family plan has worked. I really do think she if fairly confident in believing that I am her daughter and I am not going anywhere, no matter who I know or talk to. It's rare that she mentions it now. And if she does bring up my other family members, she doesn't stutter and twitch as much as she used to when talking about them.:rolleyes:
My brothers are the same ole brothers they've always been, just like me.
I get to spend a week with them all soon, all in one house, for a whole week, 19 of us, an entire seven day week, at the beach, in the same house, on a little island that is hard to escape without a plan. Did I mention it was for an entire week in the same house, with my parents and my brothers, their spouses and kids?:eek: I'm very thankful that my difficult husband is happy to stay at home, that adult beverages are permitted, there are usually plenty of chocolate desserts, and my little boat only holds three fisherpersons.
I'll check back in with the gruesome details if I'm one of the lucky ones that's able to make the trip back home! :flower:
Hang in there emerald, congrats on spilling the beans, get ready to get overly mushy and corny for a while :love: :grouphug:
It really does help if you can stomach it.
What is it they say? fake it til you make it?
Often there is at least one person within the a-family who isn't going to be supportive of the reunion. Anecdotally, it often seems to be the a-mom or adopted sibling.Your search is most likely bringing up thoughts and feelings within your sister that she hasn't dealt with in the past. We often have roles within our families. Is she the "good adoptee"? Is she the one who never brought up being adopted, the one who failed to ask a lot of questions about being adopted? Are you the "bad adoptee"? Are you the one who always wanted to know your roots, the one who often asked questioned?Your search may have made her feel her own adoption issues.But, also, if you haven't been close to your a-family, she may just feel that she is replaceable.It's out there now. You're just going to have to let the dust settle. When she sees that you are still continuing to be a part of the family, she'll hopefully come around.
Oh Emerald - I'm sorry... I haven't had to deal with that and honestly don't know how I would react. I can tell you that YOU aren't splitting your family apart - your SISTER is doing that. It is her choice to act that way. Don't give her the power - find a way to blow it off and keep your relationship with your mom and dad. I expect that your mom will come around quicker because your mother has already passed so the "threat" isn't there. Just keep doing what you are doing and ignore what your sister is doing - hard to do to start with but eventually it will get easier. If mom or dad bring up your sister respond with a that's nice and bring up a prepared in advance topic to move the conversation on. Time will help too... Kind regards,Dickons
Yes, L4R. I am the "bad" adoptee. I've always asked questions, always wanted to KNOW. I've been battling with my mother for decades over my desire to know, no, my NEED to know. I can't say it's been the only source of contention between us all these years, but it's definitely one of the main ones. We are very different people with different outlooks and priorities, and yes, over the years, she's thrown comments starting with, "my OWN child would never..." at me. I am not faultless; I have a temper, and I am skilled enough with words to make them sting but good when I'm angry. Over the years, I've grown defensive, and I tend to take offense more easily than I should - and snap a response, sparking new difficulties.But on the flip side, I am also the "good" adoptee. I was overall well-behaved, polite, did well in school, never made trouble, never smoked/did drugs/got stinking drunk... and I've always been quick to help when others in my family needed it. In my family, my sister, the baby of the family, is viewed as the "good" adoptee. As the baby of the family, she's always given the benefit of the doubt, and she's never really called to account for her behavior.So my family very much views this rift as being my fault. Not a day goes by without one of my parents telling me that I need to "be the bigger person" or "extend an olive branch" to my sister. I need to apologize for hurting her and not expect an apology in return because "she's not ready for that."So Dickons, I'm not giving her the power - my parents have already done that. I said I wouldn't be joining the family for Father's Day this year because I'm unwilling to face someone who could be so cruel to me and not apologize. (I did say I'd come out Saturday to spend the day with my parents instead - my hurt/anger is not at my father, after all.) But my parents took the occasion of my son's 4th birthday party last weekend as an opportunity to pull me aside and lecture me about how I'm being ridiculous and breaking their hearts. Meanwhile, my sister did not attend my son's - her nephew's - party. Which I didn't particularly mind, given the circumstances, but greatly disappointed my little boy. Though she did permit my parents to bring my nephew and niece. Her absence was unquestioned by my parents. "She isn't ready."So yeah. While I privately agree that this rift is NOT on me, it is on me to make it better or I run the risk of losing more than just my sister. My instinct tells me that this explosion on my sister's part is about her own issues, not about me at all, really. Like you said, Murphy. But I'm honestly afraid that if I give it time, which is what both my own instinct and my own outrage tell me is best, I'll lose more than just my sister...Beth, I appreciate your point about sending cards and being mushy and just proving time and again that I'm not withdrawing from the family just because I found biological relatives to add to my circle. I will definitely try that with my parents. Thanks for the suggestion!Still not sure how to proceed with my sister, though... Wouldn't it be nice if there were easy answers?
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emerald23
Not a day goes by without one of my parents telling me that I need to "be the bigger person" or "extend an olive branch" to my sister. I need to apologize for hurting her and not expect an apology in return because "she's not ready for that."
Can you apologize to her for any harsh things you may have said out of anger, yet still make it clear that you stand by your decision to know your biological family? (She really should also be apologizing to you, too, but that is a family dynamic that we are not going to solve today.)Obviously, your parents are siding with your sibling. They think she deserves time to get over her pain because they, too, share her pain. Since they are not supportive of your quest to know your biological family, they don't think you need time to get over anything. They just expect you to tow the line.My recommendation, if you can stomach it, is to attend your family's Father's Day celebration. It will show all of them that you do intend to remain part of the family despite the fact that you are in contact with your biological family.I know that you felt it was important to share this with them. But, now that you have shared it, and they know, I think it might be best to not talk with them about the reunion. It's a red flag warning topic with your family.
L4R
Can you apologize to her for any harsh things you may have said out of anger, yet still make it clear that you stand by your decision to know your biological family?
L4R
Can you apologize to her for any harsh things you may have said out of anger, yet still make it clear that you stand by your decision to know your biological family? (She really should also be apologizing to you, too, but that is a family dynamic that we are not going to solve today.)
Obviously, your parents are siding with your sibling. They think she deserves time to get over her pain because they, too, share her pain. Since they are not supportive of your quest to know your biological family, they don't think you need time to get over anything. They just expect you to tow the line.
My recommendation, if you can stomach it, is to attend your family's Father's Day celebration. It will show all of them that you do intend to remain part of the family despite the fact that you are in contact with your biological family.
I know that you felt it was important to share this with them. But, now that you have shared it, and they know, I think it might be best to not talk with them about the reunion. It's a red flag warning topic with your family.
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I wouldn't punish your father by not seeing him on Father's Day because of someone else. It's not his fault.
I wouldn't apologize to the sister unless you said something harshly. She should apologize.
I would attend all family functions and be polite to even the sister. You don't have to seek a personal relationship with her, but why let HER ruin YOUR ties to YOUR family?
Your adopted family is your family. Your biological origins shouldn't replace them or become a barrier. Spend holidays with your family, sister there or not. Why let your sister ruin your relationship with YOUR family?