Preparing for tough kiddo...RAD

Kids with RAD really know what to say to put guilt-trips on others. Knowing how my kids with RAD operate, this one hasn't given you a second thought. The world revolves around her and her wants. Sorry if I sound jaded. I've been dealing with a kid with RAD for 14 yrs and the things she has put us through I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I would NEVER put my two little kids through it, which is what you would be doing. Why? To easy your guilty conscience? RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that pushing away thing? jealousy, triangulation or both. that you promised thing? manipulation through guilt. those kids already in your home? she'll likely divide and attempt to conquer. I wouldn't take any kids older than mine--especially if they're small and she's volatile. some people will visit harm on others. some people will use those smaller and weaker to make themselves feel bigger and more powerful. btdt. it was a nightmare. my kids are still decompressing a year later. the time your other kids need now? it won't be there--she's going to do exactly the same thing she did before. that will likely include your new girlfriend. and why? it didn't work in the past. nothing--except your girlfriend--has changed in this scenario. she did physical harm and property damage. it sounds like she's blown out of her current placement. it sounds like they're having a hard time placing her--they usually don't call you to take back a child on whom you've disrupted. it sounds like things might be worse now than before. you owe her nothing. you owe your kids every ounce of love and protection you can give. your decision, of course, but please consider why you had to let her go last time, the cost to your children and the loss of a love relationship before you make your final commitment. if you think--really believe--that things are going to be different, then do it. if you're only doing this to keep your word, then you might need to think again. do what's best for your kids and yourself.

If you truly feel that you want to help her, find another way to be involved in her life. See if you can be an occasional respite for her, or maybe even become her GAL. Then you can still be there for her, without undermining the stability of your family.

I am meeting her again July 1st. I have NOT committed to taking her back simply to be there for her as a support...see were things go. She is now 13.. I love this kiddo. My 12 yr old ALSO had RAD so I know how hard it can get at times- triangulation is SO TRUE! The guilt trips..lying...stealing..manipulation... arguing...etc etc etc etc!! My 4 yr old is ALSO diagnosed with RAD. Since she left my home early 2011..she has been ONLY in a residential to my knowledge. Thanks for the support. Parents of RAD kids just get it.. understand how difficult it can be.. I read one post were a parent described her self as in jail. Over time I have learned to work really well with these type of kiddos but it takes a lot of energy somedays.

How long did she live with you. I had one child, around her age when placed with me, return years later. She had a LOT of resentment towards the kids now in my home. She has made life more than hard for us!

Not very long... with transition probably 6 months. But now that I do not have foster kids in and out at this time (but may change by the time she would come)... that may help her as well. I had two other tough aggressive teenagers when she was placed with me :( Also I am a single mom.. buttt now I have 2 younger boys I adopted as well. Ah

You have two young kids, one with RAD. She'll be handful. Twelve year old is at that hormonal age and has probably suffered sexual abuse somewhere along the line. She could easily sexually perp on the two younger kids. We had a RAD kid who did that. He is gone, long gone, don't ever want to see him again. Don't bring an older kid with RAD into this mix. I believe you'll regret it. She needs to be an only child somewhere.

I second and third every comment the other posters have written. We dealt with more than one RAD when we adopted three older boys. All three (two with severe RAD, one became a sex offender)...failed. As someone else said, those days contain issues I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Certainly my closest days of living hell on earth. I went through incredible guilt-remembering I'd told each of them 'adoption is forever and I'll be your mom', etc. I'm sure they thought/think I was the biggest liar of all. I thought, "How could I be SO cruel? What kind of parent AM I (are we)????" And yet, parenting other children, is not the same. Those behavioral issues are no where near the problems we had with the RAD kids. RAD has to be one of the very worst problems with any child-along with sexual abuse. Further, I don't believe severe RAD can be healed...but I know RAD behaviors can spread to other, younger children like the plague. Months before the first RAD left, he did some major damage to a small decorative door in our home. I never had it repaired. I said I always wanted to keep it there to remind me just how horrible life was with him---so I wouldn't forever succumb to the guilt, depression and PTSD the RAD brought to me. It also reminded me that regardless of what dh and I did/had done---wrong or right-----it didn't-nor would it have made any difference with the RAD. I urge you to remember how this girl was-back then. I urge you to consider how vulnerable your little ones will be and that RAD is seldom healed, but rather the RAD family learns to accommodate the RAD behaviors and thus, gets by. "Commit" or not, dealing with a RAD up close or from afar requires a lot of energy. I daresay they literally suck the life right out of those they choose to contact. Please be careful. The phrase from Mr. Spock truly applies in these situations.... "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few." Sincerely, Linny

Thanks!! It is so tough!!!! I am not committing to her placement but least going to meet with her therapeutically see how it will go to be a support..ugh