Need Advise on BM Visition

She is YOUR daughter now. It is your job to keep her safe. If her BF and BM are still doing drugs, then they are NOT safe. There were real reasons that your daughter was placed with you. If you fail to keep your daughter safe, then you can be charged with negligence. Do not allow anyone (related or not) to guilt you into something that you know is not healthy for your daughter.A simple explanation to a 7 yr old will be fine."I love you, and its my job to keep you safe, right now BF/BM are not making safe choices". Best of luck to you.** you may want to cross post this on the Foster parent forum, what you have is also known as a kinship placement, and these issues can be better known/ addressed on that forum, it has more traffic than this one.

Heck yeah, you're "holding the past against her!" That child has been changed because of it. Your sister needs to realize it and accept responsibility, as WELL as change her lifestyle. That's what I'd say to her and the others. I've been through something similar, although our niece didn't stoop so low as your sister. I really don't care if they don't like our decisions, anymore. Tough. Maybe they never wanted to stand up to opposition but I'm not afraid of that. Find your strength and do what's best for your daughter and your family.

My best friends had this exact situation occur to them as such they are being adopted now too. Birth mom is just like your sister and unfortunatly they do not allow contact. BP's are still way too unstable to have contact but their kids know them they were old enough when taken and had visits for years through foster care. They are still in case and it's been 4 years. first mom tried to get her act together but herion has way to much of a hold on her. The only reason kids were taken was because the cops were called because of BF's overdose while the kids were home. Cops show up see that both parents are on meth, one autistic child has been locked in a room the other an infant (new newborn) was left in a car seat so often that he neck muscles became so tight she couldnt hold her head up for almost 7 months. Aweeful awful stuff. she worked her parenting plan and was never able to get it together. Even with dozens and dozens of chances and almost getting her kids back once. So sad; but you keep protecting that little girl. These people sound like they're still night in a good place.

I'd be really clear with her that it's her PRESENT behaviors that are preventing her from being allowed contact. If you're open to contact, be really clear with her "when you do (a, b, and c) then you can talk to her on the phone." When she contacts you for contact, simply ask "have you done a, b, and c?" If not, "text me when you have." When she blames you (which she always will) you can say to family that you clearly stated what she needed to do, but she didn't choose to do the things she needs to do for contact at this time. And yes, as a pp said, just explain it to your daughter. You know she wants to talk to her biological mom-that's normal. You know she's sad-that's understandable. But your role as her mom is to protect her and right now biological mother is making choices that makes it unsafe for contact. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this!

NO WAY NO HOW would I personally allow contact with a drug abuser who has no treatment. I don't even allow phone contact myself with biomom (who just got arrested again for drugs). We have had no contact in 4 yrs!!! You are the parent now, you need to put your foot down and protect this child. Contact at this point to me sounds not a good idea. Don't let any bioparent place guilt on you. They are the ones who messed up, made bad choices, and did not protect the child. You are now in place of them to make the right choices in regards to your childs well being. It's hard when it's family. I disassociate myself from the family dynamics and think what would a rational, non related person do in my situation. Hang in there! Be firm and don't let anyone force you to do anything you don't feel right in your gut to do.

You're daughter is 7 and asking for her mommy, and the family is pressuring you for contact--both of which are likely to continue. Yet your sister is still very unstable, and I can understand your concern about not wanting a phone conversation, as you can't predict how your sister will sound or what she can say. But your daughter does want--and need--contact with your sister, and you don't want to be the one to later in life have to tell her you denied it. In my experience, kids her age are very proficient with computers--our 4-year-olds text (not that they write anything that make sense, but they know what texting is and do it). 7-year-olds are whizzes. Would you consider allowing your daughter to be in contact with her other mother via computer? If you have a FB account, you can create a "group" that is private, that only you, your daughter and your sister have access to, and that you can monitor. Your daughter and your sister, and you if you want, can share messages and pictures. I'm not savvy enough to know about the privacy settings, but surely someone else who is can guide you about that.

First and foremost her health and safety come first. If I knew bmom was heavily using then I would not allow any kind of direct contact with the child. Closest I would come would be allowing her to write her letters and sending pictures which would all be monitored by you. If she wants anything more than that then I would ask that she get herself clean first and prove it. (or creating an e-mail or private facebook account etc). A place where you can view anything and everything before the child sees it or hears it to make sure it's appropriate.