19 and looking to fit in

Most adoptees do want to know who we look like. We want to know if we sound like our mothers or laugh like our fathers. We want to know if we share similar temperaments and personalities. We want to know if we have similar talents, etc.... So, no, you're not alone in that.I'm sorry that your mother did that to you. As children, our needs were supposed to be paramount in our parents' minds. As a child, you did nothing wrong by asking about your b-mom. And, your a-mom's response was incredibly selfish. People forget that adoption begins with loss. We have a right to grieve what we lost, but often no one gives us permission to grieve. In fact, we are often reprimanded or shamed for expressing any grief or wonderment about our b-families.It is not wrong for you to want to have a biological connection to someone. A caution, however: a number of adoptees become pregnant (often at the same age their mothers did) before they are truly ready to parent. Take your time. Make sure you are emotionally and financially ready to parent before you take that leap.

I can completely relate. I felt the same way you did! You are definitely not alone & we have a lot of the same emotions.

You are not alone, I can totally relate. When I was growing up, I noticed how my girlfriends and their moms were so much alike and had such a great bond. My adoptive mother and I are nothing alike, she is quite and conservative and I am loud, social and high energy. I would go to family reunions and think to myself, these are not my people, I am nothing like them. Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do about this void, other than know you are not alone, many of us adoptees go through the same issues. When that day comes for you to have a child of your own, that biological connection will be wonderful. As L4R mentioned, don't rush into having a child, make friends or family connections with people who have similar personality traits as you, so you can have some type of connection.

As a male, I can't have the same feelings asmany moms and wanna be moms. But I can share that many of our feelings are the same, they just cover different areas.I never wondered who I looked like, or verbalized, or acted like in my bio family because they were non existent. But there was a deep sense of grief and loss and the fact that i was above all else, an outsider.All my school buds, and peers had a family. They had status within that family. They were loved, cared for and respected within their family unit.Looking at them, over and over I recognized that they had something I wanted, and could never have. They were equal in their relationships and were able to put the past whatever it may have been, behind them.I had become detached and accepted my "outsider" status. I believed that "outsider" status and detachment would be permanent. And to some extent, it is.Altho, "gaining experience in living" has caused detachment issues to become less, and now they are hardly noticeable.Up until age 15, we lived in a small town, and everyone knew. When we moved away, I no longer shared my story and no one asked. I became an equal.I wish you the best.

I'm curious as to whether it would have helped had you looked like or had traits of your adoptive family? Would that have helped cure this void?

Definitely not alone, my whole life (and even now) I always notice and am intrigued how relatives look alike, growing up I looked like no one.I found my bfamily and look very much like my bmom and sisters, same hair, eyes...I have a daughter of my own and when she was little she looked like her dad! but as she's grown she's morphed in to me!! So strange when people say...."Oh you both look so alike" I love it but it's still a weird feeling.Oh, and my Abrother and I are only 4 months apart, another whole boat of questions there.

I was Black Market and have no knowledge of who my b-parents may have been, so any family resemblance is unknown.A 60 year search has dug up only fragments, none of which may fit -- so I wait, even tho I have given up on my search.I wish you the best.

Wow, I know exactly how that feels. I never felt like I fit in anywhere and I kept saying to myself, "I want to go home." I just didn't know what I meant by that. So now, at 58, I still have problems feeling a part of anything BUT I have seen pictures of my birth family on Facebook. I look just like my bbrother if I were a foot taller and shaved my head... I wonder if he would think I looked familiar if I tried to 'friend' him?!

I am an adoptee and I had this crisis during identity development during my teen years (I"m 21 now). There is nothing wrong with wanting to know where you come from and who you look like. I found my bio mom in Russia where I was born and we are piratically mirror images of each other. I did receive a piece of mind knowing where I came from. One book I read that really explores the relationship between you, bio family, bio mom, and adoptive parents is: "The Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness" by Betty Jean Lifton. This book delves into a lot of relationship dynamics and emotions that you may not even be aware of. It may give some understanding as to why your adoptive mother feels that way, how to handle that relationship, and why the closed adoption system creates a lot of heart ache for some. As an adoptee we are supposed to join a family, be grateful that they took us in, and not question our past. We are to forget about who we were and accept our new role as an adopted child and live by expectations by our adoptive parents. But it IS fair to wonder what might have been. I truly think your adoptive mother can understand that at some point. Some adoptive parents fear that their child will leave if they find their bio family. If you want to explore this process, it's important to assure your adoptive parents their permanence in your life and how much you love them. However, you do have a right to know where you come from and who.

Sara, you are starting out in your adoption circles to quest for information, and it is good you have already come so far.Adoption, is a life long event. At some point it will always be with us, much like a shadow that never speaks. We will never know all the answers, or which parts of the information is true, but we can hope and try for the best.I have searched for more than 60 years and always been surprised when I found people willing to help. I guess this is due to so much of the courts behavior which tries to make adoptees feel as tho they are aliens and therefore entitled to very little.You will uncover information that may be disarming or sad, and it will be left for you to determine it's importance. The good thing about all that is that as more information is uncovered, we can build on what we know, and in some cases, replace or remove what we already may know.I hope you will continue to search until you find all the information for which you are looking.I wish you the best.

Sara, you are starting out in your adoption circles to quest for information, and it is good you have already come so far. Adoption, is a life long event. At some point it will always be with us, much like a shadow that never speaks. We will never know all the answers, or which parts of the information is true, but we can hope and try for the best. I have searched for more than 60 years and always been surprised when I found people willing to help. I guess this is due to so much of the courts behavior which tries to make adoptees feel as tho they are aliens and therefore entitled to very little. You will uncover information that may be disarming or sad, and it will be left for you to determine it's importance. The good thing about all that is that as more information is uncovered, we can build on what we know, and in some cases, replace or remove what we already may know. I hope you will continue to search until you find all the information for which you are looking. I wish you the best.

You aren't the only one! I totally get it! Check out facebook.com/ThatAdoptedGirl.JulianaWhitney. There you can find my blog and website. I try to talk about adoption from an adoptees perspective in a real, raw and honest way. I always have more topics coming and this could be one of them!