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My husband and I have considered adoption for quite some time. We're aware that some adoptees grow up and hate the fact that their names are changed and all. I will be honest here so please bear with me. All of the stories I hear about adoptees hating their name change seem really spiteful in general about their adoptions so I feel like I'm not getting a truly valid opinion. Another reason I ask is because my cousin is adopted (her bio mom is my aunt.) My aunt was raped and gave up her baby (Shanice Nicole...not her real name) when she was a few hours old. Her aparents renamed her (Megan Alexandria...again a false name.) She wanted to come live with her bio mom and her aparents were very supportive of her. While she was here, we called her Shanice Nicole because "that is [her] real name." After a year of being here, she went to my aunt and said "my name is Megan Alexandria [last name] and I need to go back home."
So in an honest opinion, how bad is name change really if a child is young? What is your story?
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MapleOak
She was asked what she wanted to be called and chose her birth name. Just for whatever reason she decided she wanted her old life back and moved back with her aparents. She has full support from both families.
And no this wasn't to be an insult. This is an honest question. I wasn't quite sure how to honestly ask (so I was hoping a background story would help.)
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I'm not sure anyone can separate the different 'parts' of the adoptee experience. Name change is just one part of the complex ball of emotions, legal papers and ethics that go into an adoption and no one can separate one thing and say "That's why this hurts so much!" I retained my first name but my middle and last name was changed post-adoption. As an adult I am planning on changing my entire name (first, middle and last) as I never felt it 'fit' either way. I don't even like my name in general. I'm not sure retaining my birth middle names would have made much difference and obviously I wasn't going to retain the last name of my natural family post-adoption. I don't think there's one right answer. Some people just don't like their names in general, adoptees or not. You can never guarantee that the child you birth or adopt will like the name(s) you pick. Thankfully you can always tell them that they can change it at 18 (or slightly before with your permission). :-)
Depends on so many things: the kid, the name, the timing, the family, whether the adoption is open. . .
Our son came to us at 11 months. We adopted him at 2 years old. We kept his first name, changed his middle name (to name him after his grandfathers) and gave him our last name.
We are now in the process of adopting a 5 year old from foster care. We would keep his first name - that's his name and it would be wierd for him to change it. We will probably change his middle name and give him our last name . . . not sure we've decided that yet.
We had another child for 4 years and wanted to adopt her - but she left us and was placed with family. If we had adopted her we probably would have changed her name. What she went through before she arrived at her home, it just made me sick to use the name her bmom gave her. We never used her given name, but used a nickname from it. We would have made that her middle name and given her a new first name.
SO I really think there are a lot of factors and it really is specific to each family and each child. I don't think there is any one right answer . . . just the one that is right for you and your child in your situation.
Good Luck.
MapleOak
My husband and I have considered adoption All of the stories I hear about adoptees hating their name change seem really spiteful in general about their adoptions so I feel like I'm not getting a truly valid opinion.
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I think it really depends on the child.I've personally never understood changing an older child's name but I know people do it. I don't think I would unless there was a reason to and then it would still be up to the child whether or not we changed it.With an infant, it's a little different to me as they don't know their name anyway. But if LOs bmom had given her a name, I would have kept it at least as part of her name. You know sometimes, when someone is upset about a name change it's about more than the name. It's about everything else in the relationship and the name change is a symptom of the rest of the issues. For example, I really hated being adopted by my stepfather. Consequently, I hated having his name and losing my birth last name. I changed back as soon as I could. But it was more about the relationship than the actual name.
Tankeryanker
Can't you ask around and find a child that already has the name you want to use? This way they won't be so bitter will they?
I guess where I'm coming from is as a stepparent adoption. I was 7 when my last name was changed and while as a child I thought it was a good thing and I supported it. Later, I really wished I had my birth name. I resented having that other name put on me. When I went through my divorce, I went back to the name I had a birth.Not everyone will feel that way of course, but I just wonder, when an older child is adopted why the first name or the main name they are called needs to be changed?I know if foster care adoptions the children have been through trauma. But changing a name doesn't change your identity. But as we grow and mature, I think having our main name changed can give the impression that something is wrong with that part of our identity. It's just like when we say negative things about bparents. It affects their identity.To be clear - this is just my personal opinion, not based on anything but my own experience and I do not have any judgement for anyone who has changed a child's name. I think ultimately it's each family's choice to make.
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Like dmariehill, I wonder what a name change does to an individual's self-esteem and self-concept. I get that it's an easy way to emotionally separate the child from his or her previous abusive situation. But, I question if the effects of the name change truly end up being positive, or does it in some way shame the individuals? The DNA still runs through their veins. Their original families cannot truly be obliterated. My gut reaction would be to keep their names in place. Everything else in their world is going to be changing. They need some stability from their past. By keeping their original name, you're saying that there is nothing wrong with you. Your environment was unhealthy, but there is nothing wrong with you.
I never knew about my name change until I was 15. I discovered a health passport in my Fathers dresser that had my birthday with another name. A name I didn't care for, to be honest. My adoptive parents chose a horrifically bland and generic name for me. Their were 5 of us in every class. One of those annoying over used names ugh but still better than the one my birth parents gave me. If anything I wish I could switch the middle names or have my birth middle name as my first name. At least it was interesting and sort of exotic. ;)
I hated that my name was changed. The name my birth parents gave me was not inappropriate in any way, so there was no reason to change it, other than the sense of power and ownership it gave my adoptive parents.
Eventually, I legally changed back to my birth name, and don't regret it for a minute.
I often use my bio name now. What bothered me most was not really that my parents changed my name but that they lied to me about the origin of my bio name. My twin and I were told that we had no names so fostercare gave us nicknames because of how we looked. As an adult I found out that those were our real, legal names given to us with thought from our birthmom. I think my desire to go back to my bio name has a lot more to do with issues in my adopted family. But there it is. I think what matters most is that whatever choice is made is made out of caring. Having a family with 3 older boys who weren't adopted, I think, created a bunch of other issues. I was worried that my adopted family would be upset at my choice of name and that, I think, is most difficult, when adopted families take it personally, I mean it's hard enough for us to figure out who we are without all of these limitations on who we are allowed to be.
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I was adopted when I was 4, from Colombia S.A. They say that a child knows their name by six months of age. So by the time I was adopted I knew my name, yet my adopted mother wanted an American sounding name so she changed my name. I grew up knowing something was off but didn't realize it until I was 18. Long story short I changed my name back to my birth name in 2006. Not only was it costly but as an adoptee I struggled with my identity and this did not help. I received a lot of criticism but I know what I struggled with and would advise any parent looking to adopt a child under the age of six months then maybe it's ok but any older then please keep it. It is part of their identity in which they loose unless kept educated about where they come from.
Diana M Fontecha