Feeling uncomfortable with the openness of our Adoption

I don't have any direct personal experience with OAs -- I relinquished my baby back in 1972, an era that only offered closed adoptions. But a lot of my younger friends in the adoption community are actively participating in OAs, and I try to keep up with the pitfalls, challenges, and boundaries involved. Personally, I think your daughter's birth/first mother is seeing her too often. Once a week just sounds like too much to me. It's crucial to keep your end of any agreements made....but I think the stress this constant interaction is causing you is not healthy. I'm hoping some of the younger bmoms here will pipe in here soon with some suggestions for you. :loveyou:

What did you have in mind when you entered into the OA in terms of frequency of contact, and was that clearly laid out in the beginning? It sounds like you both had a general "often" in terms of getting together, but that is too vague. Can you speak with a professional at your agency (assuming you used one) or work with a mediator to come to an agreement that will work for everyone? Also, how old is your child's birth mother? Some of this might be an issue of immaturity if she is very young. Also keep in mind she is grieving the loss of her baby (and your child will always be her baby to her, as much as she will be your baby too - one doesn't cancel out the other), her hormones are all over the place, and she's trying to come to terms with a very difficult loss on top of navigating an OA. OTOH, you have your new baby, and the demands that go along with caring for a newborn, and need time to adjust to that and being a mom. I would address this, though, sooner rather than later, in a sensitive way, because you don't want it to get so out of hand that it really ruins what could be a positive experience. As far as what other people think, try (hard as it is) to ignore those comments. OA is a non-traditional situation and most people aren't going to "get it" no matter how it is set up. When your daughter's birth mother makes inappropriate requests (like picking her up when she is stranded, etc.) you CAN say no to her without feeling guilty. I'm sure you are very busy and cannot drop everything, so just gently say that you are not able to do _________. This might be better to do on the spot than having a discussion about it. If she is resistant to setting boundaries around visits, I would try to have an unbiased third party to mediate the situation. She may view this still as you "going back on your word" since her interpretation of "often" is different from yours, but hopefully she will realize you are trying to work with her and as she regains her bearings, the issue will resolve.

Thank you all so much for your insight! Our bmom is 20 years old. We never had set up a schedule as far as visits go (at the fault of our caseworker, I'm realizing now. We should have sat down ahead of time and set boundaries. This never happened). We lost a baby during delivery just a year prior to adopting our sweet daughter so I do feel like I am extra sensitive to her empty arms and the grief she is feeling, although she made this decision. I love our bmom, I have tried to sit down and have a conversation in a very loving way, tried to explain that we cannot drop everything to get together or bail her out of situations. It went okay, but I feel like we are back at square one and I so desperately want to feel like our daughter is ours, but the frequent contact with our bmom makes me feel as if I am only babysitting at times. I guess it's just looking like we need to sit down and have yet another discussion! :/ I appreciate your responses!

Another sidenote- I get anxiety prior to visits and I'm not sure that this is normal. When we get together, our bmom seems to take over- excessive holding, picture taking, wanting to feed/soothe baby, and so on. It really is hurtfu at times because I'm not sure where I stand. I do feel like the babysitter in those situations. Don't get me wrong I am so grateful for her, and I love how much she loves our daughter, it's just something to get used to! Is this normal?

Did your agency explain to you the grief a mother feels? Three months she is still in the midst of unrelenting grief. Choose to extend grace and recognise why she needs to hold the babe more right now when she gets to see the babe. Find what works to relieve your anxiety - deep breathing - positive affirmations - music. It takes time by all accounts to create an open adoption that works smoothly. Kind regards,Dickons

I think some honest dialog is in order and some boundary setting. Since you have tried to explain perhaps you need a third party to help frame the conversation and make sure at the end you have something specific you agree to. Be absolutely honest with yourself about what you meant by "often." With regard to the other requests you have figure out if they are something you are interested in doing. If she is at your house for an hour or so during the visit it wouldn't be unusual for her to want to hold the baby exclusively since she considers it their limited time together. For visits with our bfamily I just hang back and let bmom and bfamily dote on DD. Honestly, when I visit my friends with new babies I am a shameless baby hog but I absolutely get that as a new mom this may feel different to you. If the facebook things make you uncomfortable my honest suggestion is stop being her friend on facebook. That is her space and she is allowed to say and post what she wants in my opinion. I don't see great hope for any OA where both parties don't have opportunity for honest on going dialog about expectations and boundaries. Hope you can get to a better place with this soon.

Our son's first mom wanted a visit at three months (she said this at the hospital). When he turned 3 months old, she canceled. I think it was still too hard for her. We were in frequent contact via email, but it was at 6 months before she felt ready to see him. That 6 months was good for us, too. We really bonded as a family. I was a little nervous about what the visit would go like, but I definitely felt like Peanut's mom, so it was easy at that point for me to see her care for him without it feeling weird. I think it's pretty normal to feel like a babysitter at times even with little to no contact, so I can imagine the frequency you all have makes that feeling even stronger. Maybe you only feel like this in birthmom's presence, but I felt like a babayistter for a little while. It's a weird process we go through...fill out all of these papers, make a profile to sell yourself to expectant parents, wait...meet and hope they like you, try to balance being happy and hopeful with being non-coercive...then there's a baby here that may or may not come home with you, and you tell yourself that you'll be happy for the efamily if they find a way to parent knowing that inside you'll be heartbroken and feeling guilty for feeling that way...and it happens-there's a baby coming home with you! And you love that baby, but you're scared to death through revocation period, then perhaps ICPC and maybe you're the one family they find something wrong with and you can't leave with your baby. Then you come home, and it's real life! Somebody let me come home with a baby? Imdint kkow ehet to do with a baby! And everyone wants to see your baby, and you're just now getting your head wrapped around the fact that this is YOUR baby! You didn't have 9 months with the baby growing inside you to get to know him/her...oh, and there is this other lady who DID, who is grieving, and you feel bad that your dream coming true is her heartache. And none of your friends understand, because they've not adopted. I loved Peanut from the first moment I saw him. However it took me a little while to FEEL like his mama. I still remember the moment, riding with a couple of friends, sitting in the backseat and he is having a fit! I lean over and start quietly singing to him and he immediately gets quiet and drifts off to sleep. My friend say, "he knows his mama!" And I realized at that moment I'm the only one who knew exactly how to comfort him. I AM his mama! That made all the difference in the world in general, but specifically during our visits. it's definitely made it much easier to not only be comfortable letting her have those special moments during the visits, but also to encourage them. I have so many photos of Peanut and his first mom making memories that while he might not understand why she placed him, I've got proof of how much she loves him-its all over her face. Take the time you need to bond as a family so that ultimately your visits can be quality time together. It'll be better for all of you in the long run. Good luck!

You got a lot of great advice. She could still be processing her grief. Boundaries are killer important. 3 months in for us, it sucked as well. 3 years in, its great

I'm a first mom in an OA. I was older than your child's mother when I placed. I'm also adopted, just to give you a little background. I have a few thoughts... Don't look at her Facebook and if someone comments just comment with a oh is that so or something to that effect. She needs her own space. My son is 9.... see I just called him my son, because he is my son. That doesn't make him any less his mom and dad's son, but I'm still his mother and always will be. I can tell you from experience that a child can love two moms and two dads. I have a mother and a mom and a dad and a father. I love them all. I'm sure it is hard to see and hear her refer to your child as hers, but the reality of it is that your daughter will always be her daughter too. Maybe you can put some distance in the situation by not thinking of her as yours, but as your daughter's first mother. It's just a thought. Sit down and have a serious talk with her, get a calendar out and say this is when we can schedule another visit. Take responsibility for planning them with her. As your child gets older help plan them, set up something concrete. The OA with my son has suffered because there has never been anything concrete and his mom and dad have refused to set anything up. There are no words for the grief of placing a child, just like there are no words for the loss of a child or for the loss of the dream of a child by birth. 3 months is pretty early in the whole thing. Would you be ok with all of it if you would have to place little one for adoption now? Even that first day she was home you would have been heartbroken if you would have had to make that choice right? If someone suggested that you be ok at the three month mark you probably would have been angry right? Just something to consider. My son's mom still experiences anxiety at visits, even pick up and drop off, as I take him alone now. Learn some techniques to get through that, you'll be glad you did. It doesn't make a relationship very easy if you can't. As for the rides etc, just say, gee sorry I can't. There are resources out there for help for her. If you know of a few locally you can say, well I can't but maybe you can try abc. Good luck, I know it isn't easy to navigate OA, especially in the beginning. Nine years in, I'm amazed that I haven't walked away from the whole thing, it is that hard, no matter how nice it is that I see my son.

Communication is a must. Your still very new into this relationship and have so much to navigate. It won't be easy but you will have to find a way to communicate your feelings with her before these seemingly little things turn into BIG things and possibly destroy the positive relationship you could have had. But I don't think you need to make it a big deal, by meeting and laying everything down on the table, kind of thing. I'd discuss each individual thing you'd like to change in their own time, when the situation presents itself and in a way that she sees your still there and still commited, that way she doesn't put up a "defensive" position and put a bad vibe in your relationship. You can't control her behaviors or actions but you can control your own response and how you deal with them, which will make all the difference. If she asks you 100 times to do extra favors for her then tell her 100 times "I'm sorry, I wish I could, but that's not something we agreed upon and I feel we should keep our visits and contact centered around communication with dd and visits with dd, so we can set up healthy boundaries for all of us in this relationship". Eventually she will see that her asking isn't "getting" what she wants and she will learn to stop asking. Don't be afraid to tell her "no" (when needed) and don't beat yourself up over feeling "guilty" that you aren't or can't help her in that way. This will set the groundwork for her to learn to lean on others for money, rides, or other kinds of support she needs. Also, don't be afraid to step up and take on those "mothering" roles during your visits and be assertive when you need to be to let her know that "you've got it". It may be good for both of you. Good for you to start feeling more like the mother and good for her to see you actually performing those roles she gave you to do. Instead of having her feed or change baby maybe just excuse yourself to do those things,or stay and talk with her about dd while your doing it and she is watching, use that time to share special stories or milestones she's reached, maybe give her a photo album to look through during those times so it gives her something to see and touch. As far as the frequency of the visits I'd just let it spread out "quietly" for now. If your feeling weekly or bi-mothly is too much just spread things out a bit without saying why for now. Let her know you are busy that day/week or just come out and say "I think....this date" looks like a good time for us. Will this work for you?". As things spread out to something you feel more comfortable with then express that to her. Say "I've noticed that as we spread out our visits to about once a month (or whatever it is)...that we feel much more relaxed and comfortable getting together and I can see that dd is more relaxed and comfortable as well".

As an Amom with a 3.5 month old in a very open adoption I understand some of your feelings. It took me a couple of months to get past the "babysitter" feelings. It's hard, much much harder than you'd expect. Our 2nd DD's first mom is very involved (my intent) I don't want my daughter to feel rejected, unwanted, not worthy etc. So I try very hard to keep her first mom in our lives sort of like extended family. She watches DD from time to time and has visits at her house with out my supervision. You might want to consider letting her visit times be unsupervised (as long as it's safe). It saves you the ouch moments of seeing your childs other mother in action and it also gives her time to not have to be "supervised" with her own child. Yes she's your child too but I cant imagine the pain of feeling like I couldn't be left alone with the child I gave birth to. My DD's first mom has called me to pick her up from work (we too live within a mile of each other) when she got sick and couldn't get a hold of anyone else. I was happy to do it as I do love her just like a member of my extended family and I would do that for anyone (especially the person who gave me a chance at motherhood). However; if it was too often I'd tell her; sweetie you know I love you but I cant spend to much time running around for things. Can you please find someone else to take you for these types of thing and our visits are amazing but we need to come up with a schedule. Keep it simple and filled with the love and respect it deserves. Trust me I have your feelings at times and then some! It's so hard and so very few of us are on these forums. Open adoptions (in the true since of the word) are still fairly new and there's just not tons of wisdom out there from those who've been there done that but I'll say this, even though some of the truths we get here are hard to hear they've helped me grow as a mother. So listen to them all and take pieces from each and make your own path. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to share stories. Like I said I do understand your feelings, I understand anxiety during drop offs and pick ups. It's normal and it does get better with more drop offs & pick ups! :) Best of luck, you'll be in my thoughts!theLBs - Well said, well said!

You need to have a heart to heart with her and really talk this out. As a birthmother in an open adoption I only expected to have what was promised to me. Sadly the open adoption closed because they wanted....well what they wanted. With that said I want to caution you. The adoptive parents of my relinquished child thought open adoption was "too much" for them and just closed it. But my daughter found us and "re-opened" it herself at not quite 12 years old. So as much stress as it is to have a new baby and all that goes with it please proceed with caution and make sure you keep with your agreement and do not close the open adoption. And as for people saying things such as you are the "babysitter" you need to just let that go. That is your pure pride and it does you no good to let is get under your skin. You were the one (and I do not mean to hurt you) who agreed to an open adoption. That means riding through the grief of the natural parents. That of course dose not mean you need to pick them up when they are stranded. Also I want to give you something to think about. What if today your child was gone? Say given back to her natural parents. How would that feel? How devastated would you be? Do you think the birthparents feel that type of grief? If so than you may understand their pain. That is why you owe them a heart to heart to resolve these issues.

Some of the other posters touched on this--I think you are looking at two separate issues. One is the requests for personal favors, etc., and the other is visitation. I think it would be a mistake to confuse them, although I'm sure it just feels like being overwhelmed. One thing to consider is how you interacted with her before the baby was born and surrendered to you. Were you always available to help her, give her rides, bail her out of situations? (I don't know that that's the case.) If so, she likely assumed that this was the nature of your relationship and that it would continue. Lots of first mothers complain that aparents they were matched with were very solicitous of them during the pregnancy and before surrender, and then all of that abruptly stopped once the aparents had the baby. They feel used and betrayed. If that's the case, stopping may be a sticky wicket. You can, though, nicely but firmly, become less available for things like moving and so on that don't involve the child. As for visits, though, if she has been visiting her child once a week, that's a pattern that has already been set. Drastically changing that, or just not allowing that frequency without saying anything (and expecting she won't notice?) is bound to cause hard feelings. I'd ask myself what about that is really bothering you? If it's the "her" vs. "our" baby, that's a dynamic that needs to change. A few hours a week with her first/other mother doesn't threaten the bond between you and the child. As an aside, and not to pick on you, many first mothers,and I'm one of them (it's been talked about on other threads) really, really don't like the terminology that they have given a "gift" to the aparents. It's really a very sensitive subject for a lot of first parents so when you are working things out with the first mom you might want to avoid any mention of the child as a gift.

I agree with visits I'm in a very open adoption with DD #2 however; weekly visits even a few hours a day may seem like no big deal to some people but if I can tell you personally that's way out of my acceptance zone. I work M-F 9-5 and that means I get 3-4 hours a night with my kiddos tops. There is no way I'm giving up any of those hours on a weekly basis and honestly I believe that's unrealistic. We are busy so is DD's first mom. Weekly visits are too intrusive. However; we do a monthly visit or semi monthly and lots and lots of pics & texts. I think you need to find the right amount of open that works for both of you. You do need to make sure you go in to it and continue it till the end. Closing an adoption isn't an option in my book and AP's who do that are insecure & selfish. Unless it's at the best interest of the child as deemed by a professional. Which honestly would be nearly nonexistent in my opinion. You have to walk a fine line. A line that you agreed upon early on in your relationship with First Parents and what is honestly and truly best for your child. Walk it slowly and full of thought!

I would suggest to talk the adoption agency first, whatever she is going through right now she needs counseling...and you can simply not provide that counseling right now with a 3 mo old baby. And, indeed I wouldn't think that closing the adoption is going to work well for anybody, but the agency can help her understand what the limits are. We are in an open adoption now and while we are connecting with the birthparents and sharing pictures a few times a week...visiting happens only every few months.