adoptive parents angry about search

I'm so sorry. I am an adoptive mom and I cannot imagine being so callous about my child's desire for knowledge and connection to their past. Don't get me wrong, it's not that it's no big deal. It was excruciatingly painful, immensely nerve-wracking, complicated and messy. But the nature of parenthood is to do right by our kids, even when it's hard. I'm sorry that you can't turn to them for comfort in this. I hope you can find it elsewhere.

Sadly there are selfish people out there who have no idea how there actions affect other people.

I'm sorry that this has happened-- the loss of your birth mother and your family's reaction to your search. I'm sure you realize that their reaction was due to the fact that they felt threatened by your desire to search for your bio family. I plan to help my son in his search for his bio mom. I have thought about what this could mean- she may be incarcerated, she may be deceased, she may be off the D&A and she may be doing well, she could decide she doesn't want a relationship with him- there are lots of possibilities. I am more worried of what we may find in his search than I am of her 'taking him away from me'. I think some AP are afraid their child will want to go back to their bio family- and depending on how old they were when TPR and adoption occurred they may want to. But depending on how long they have been with the AP and AFamily would they really want to leave that for someone who is nearly a stranger even though they are genetically related? I know some adopted kids have a mental fantasy of their BPs and what life would be like if they still lived with them or if they could find them too. All this is also something we as parents of adopted children need to prepare our child for as sad and as difficult as it may be. Once again I am sorry for your loss.

While you will find stories of adoptive parents who were completely supportive of their child's choice to search, I think you'll find more who were angry/upset/saddened/enraged/threatened/threatening...In my case, my father is pretty calm and accepting - he can look at things logically and see that it harms him not at all. I am no less his daughter through discovering my roots. But my mother, and for that matter, my sister... they are far from handling things well. My mother seems to be in some bizarre competition with my birth mother, who also passed before I found her - yes, she's competing with a dead woman. My sister (also adopted, not biologically related to me) has **** near cut me out of her life at this point, with some truly nasty, vicious attacks against me over the past several months. I am very lucky in that my reunion with my birth mother's family has gone so well, but my family's bad attitude has put a definite damper on the joy of my reunion.Handling a search with dignity and grace and understanding speaks volumes about the kind of person an adoptive parent/sibling is... while I think it also says a lot (and far less complimentary) about an adoptive parent/sibling who lashes out against their searching loved one. I know it's hard, but perhaps you could try to take it as a sign of their own insecurities and issues, NOT as a reflection on you... You must continue as you see fit here. Hopefully, with time and patience, they will come around...I wish you luck dealing with your parents' lack of support...

I'm so sorry. It speaks volumes to their insecurity. It doesn't really help but most likely their actions are a result of fear of losing you, hurt at not being enough, and taking that personally.So many APs think that if they love their child enough and do everything right, the adoptee will have everything they need and have no need to search. So if the adoptee wants to search, the APs have failed. Way too many people feel this way. It's bunk of course.No matter how much love the APs give, it doesn't change the loss or the desire to know where you came from. And the desire to search is not a reflection on them at all. It's sad that so many don't get that.I'm so sorry that your bmother passed before you had a chance for closure. I'm also sorry that your APs weren't able to be supportive.Know that it's okay to feel hurt, betrayed, angry, or anything else about this. I don't know if it would help to explain to them how their reaction made you feel or why you wanted to search. They may not be capable of understanding.I hope you find peace.

I'm so sorry.I'm not surprised that your a-parents were angry about your search. That is fairly common nor am I surprised that they thought the search was stupid. Again, that's fairly common.... In adoption, a lot of denial takes place. Many of our a-parents couldn't conceive a child, so they had to dismiss/diminish the importance of biology in order to accept their fate as couples who are unable to have their own children.But, to smile and to be happy about the fact that your mother is no longer here is heartless. I'm so sorry. I wouldn't know how to deal with them either. (We could go into the psychology of why they reacted that way, but I really don't care why. They need to start acting like compassionate adults.)

Let me suggest something...I am an Amom to a wonderful baby boy (3 years old, not so much a baby anymore). During our match, I saw a lot and heard a lot about my son's birth family. Stuff that was not good, not legal, not safe. I struggle with my frustration, anger, etc. about the choices they made. They have 2 other kids still in the family and it's not good. I have basically worked through the anger I had and can see them through new eyes. I guess I love my son so much that I never want to see him hurt or let down. But here's the thing. I often say that adoption is like a coin. Both sides are completely different. Different patterns, designs, etc. They can't see one another. They could never accurately describe the other. But they are bonded together. By a an amazing child. My son's bmom died. While I wasn't happy about it (In fact, it hit me really hard!) there was a sense of relief that I would never have to protect him from her. PLEASE DON"T FLAME ME FOR THAT, but it is what it is. We see his sister and brother, we see his birth family. We see the world they live him. His birth dad told me that seeing him was not worth being sober for. (just for the visit, mind you!) This is stuff I may or may not ever tell my son. But I do know that he deserves to know them. He deserves to know his brother and sister. But it isn't easy. It is one the toughest things we do for him. Not because we are threatened, but because we want to protect him. I tell you all of this so that maybe you can see one thing: In this triad, you will never know exactly how your bfamily feels (felt), you will never know what your afamily went through and THEY WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH. Sit down with them. Calmly tell them how you feel. Tell them how important it is to you. Tell them that their reactions hurt you. And that by searching, you are in no way acting out against them. Sometimes, an Amom (or dad or sister) just needs to hear it. Last thing, I am so sorry that this is painful for you. I am so sorry that your family didn't see how this hurt you. But I am certain they love you and you will be able to work through this. With patience, love and more patience! God bless!

AlabamaMommy,Thank you for your perspective. For many of us, however, our b-parents were not a danger to us. And, certainly, our a-parents never knew ANYTHING about our b-parents. (I could be wrong, but from the few posts I have read by bowlerheim, it doesn't seem to me as though the a-parents knew anything about the b-parents.)I understand the need to protect your child. But, most of us do not come from dangerous, unhealthy b-families. You obviously know a great deal about your child's b-family, so it is understandable that you would harbor some fear (if that's the right word) about a reunion with your child's b-family. I think bowlerheim's situation may be different. You might want to read some of bowlerheim's other posts. You'll get more perspective on the a-family dynamics.

I'm sorry your aparents reacted that way, I agree with another poster that they probably felt threatened, you are their baby, so to speak, and were maybe thinking if you found your bfamily they would lose you. Not saying their reaction is right of course. I love my amom with all my heart, she is my mom, period, but sometimes she would tell me she would understand if I wanted to search for my bfamily but....she would be extremely hurt....oh boy, because of that I never searched for a very long time. I know she didn't mean it to hurt me but she always said I was hers...she felt threatened I suppose. AlabamaMommy says it so very well, everyone involved does not know what the other is going through and they just can't. I think the only way is to be honest, to sit and talk, that's all you can do. Take care.

I agree that you have to talk with your parents about it. It was the hardest part of my reunion, talking to my parents. I found I couldn't expect them to understand my feelings totally, no matter what words I used. And I didn't get them so much either. I quit explaining myself and started asking them to explain themselves. I stopped bringing up how I felt, and asked them in every way I could think of about how they felt. I made them talk about it basically. They couldn't hear me, so after I had explained myself a few times, I quit and put it on them. Plus, they like it's when it's about them. That put my actions in the background and theirs in the forefront. I asked them questions about their families, their mothers, grandmother's, etc. I researched their genetic family tree for them, I was interested in their family members, often unknown to all family members, too. My dad said one day "Why are you so interested in my mother?" (I only met her once when I was about 2.) I answered "Duh, she's YOUR mother, and I am interested in knowing all about you." Things changed after that for us, a lot. And of course time always helps.