You're not my real mom! (vent)

This is tough to hear, no doubt. We've had DD say this to us maybe five or six times now. But it's always in the context of her not getting her way. So I usually say, "sorry, but A and B [her bps] wouldn't allow you to do that either." Or my DH (who is adopted) will say something like, "So you think Nana is not my real mom?" And she will say, "well...no...of course she is..." I think it's a bow in an arrow that can be used in frustration. In this case though it sounds more like she was feeling you out and I think it's a good idea to bring it up again at some point maybe with open ended questions. I am finding that DD (8.5) is in more of a phase where being like everyone else is more important than it used to be (she wants to wear the same clothes, watch the same shows, etc.). And also she definitely has heard at school the terms "real parents" to refer to her birth parents etc. so it's not coming out of the blue. Good luck!!

My DD's are both under three so I'm glad I've got time to let this sink in to my head. I need time to have a proper response. I'm prepared for this to be said but I want to make sure I have the right presence to address it, I think you handled it just fine. I agree with the others perhaps some follow up questions at a time when she's in a good place. I think I'll start looking for adoption therapists now! LOL. I think we'll all need one.

Ouch. It does hurt, doesn't it? I try and laugh a bit, then I push my index finger into my cheek a couple of times and say "and I'm so lifelike". Makes my son smirk and look down (which is what he does when he's trying hard not to laugh and lose his control over the situation). But still, I know it hurts.

The smarty pants in me loves your response Hunterdon! :)

Thank you Crick...likewise! :) xo

Thank you all for your responses. I just received a text from my daughter's birth mom the other day. It started off simple enough "Hello, how are you, etc." Then she asked me if there is anything Sarah was asking about. So I told her that there have been a few times that she asked me about her birth mom, and why she wasn't being raised by her, etc. I wasn't expecting the barrage of texts from her telling me that she didn't want to do it, But she HAD too, and she feels so horrible, guilty and how much she loves her...etc, etc, etc. I was kind of at a loss for words. I assured her that Sarah was a happy little girl and that I would let he know how loved she is. It ended up on a strange note. She wouldn't respond back to me. Sometimes adoption in general is just...hard...

It does hurt to hear it. I told mine that us "fake" mothers couldn't buy anything. We then had a talk about the use of the word "real".

mom2justynsarah - I know my DD's first mom is having a guilt / emotional time right now in regards to the adoption. I can tell when she's having a sensitive time. She posts on FB about adoption and other things that give me clues. We're in a pretty open adoption but I'm sure there are times when she just "needs" to make sure our shared child is aware. I'm sorry your conversation ended oddly. Keep plugging away and your right adoption is just plain and simple hard.

Wow, it's sooooo good to hear that I'm not alone with my 8 yr old ripping my heart out and stomping on it. So much so that I truly sometimes wish I had never told him he was adopted. Ok, that's just the selfish part of me talking, but he has such a strong personality and knows how to push my buttons. As in, "I can't decide which mom to love, I'll decide in the morning..." and the famous, 'You're not my real mom, I don't have a real mom'. Breaks my heart for him that he's so confused. Beth

Who says he's confused? As others have pointed out, he is probably trying to push your buttons and it sounds like it is working.

I can only offer my view from one adoptee's perspective but when I used it.....and boy did I use that phrase once or twice, it was most definitely to push buttons, mostly as a teenager. People with only biological kids get the "I hate you, You're the worst parents EVER!! I wish I was adopted" LOLOL! The "You're not my real Mom" is just adopted kids version. I think ours just has the added benefit of cutting a little deeper.

Due to infertility my husband and I couldn't conceive... after years of trying fertility treatments, prayers and working through that trauma and feeling like a failure, we finally followed the gynea's advice and opted for adoption. But there was hiccups as well. (I had a daugther out of wedlock before I met my husband, and having a "shortage" of babies for adoption in South Africa, was told that we did not qualify to adopt a baby.) Finally through the foster system we adopted two boys, siblings at age 5 and 2 1/2. This changed my life forever... From the beginning my eldest son projected the anger and resentment that he felt towards his Birth Mom on me and would shut me out emotionally and turn away from me. His younger brother bonded easily with me (due to his small age) and has an extroverted loving nature, hugging and kissing and telling me how much he loves me. I would pour out my love, and my eldest son would reject it, while the youngest would receive it. Then after some family and individual counseling last year it changed for a while and I felt loved and (partially) accepted by my eldest son. From time to time I would struggle with the youngest one who picked up some of his older brother's attitude, but generally only felt resentment when I dissiplined him or didn't let him have his way with something.Lately I've been at the receiving end of rejection and rebellion from my eldest son again. He compares himself with his friends and nothing I do or say is right. His friends told him I have no right to deny him whatever their parents allow them (sleepovers; violent pc games; whatching certain movies, etc.) as I am not his "real" mom and he doesn't need to listen to me or do as I say. He doesn't really say the words out loud, but his very attitude and the way he disrespects me screams it in bold capital letters. People tells me not to take it personally, it's darn hard not to take it personally when it's in your face 24/7. It's hard to keep pouring out your love to a child who just don't want you... and it HURTS. The pain cuts to the very core of your being, ripping your heart, your dreams and your hopes to shreds. I just wanted to be a MOM, but feels like I'll never be mom-enough...

With any luck your son will grow up and learn to appreciate what you have and are doing for him.. My sister and I (not natural siblings) were both adopted, she used that weapon on mom to push buttons when she couldn't get her way and it obviously stung. Mom refused to be baited and stayed firm with her discipline, they actually became quite close once sis matured and had her own family.Mom and I were visiting one evening, sis was having a go around with her 13 year old step son. After we left I asked "Did any of that sound familiar?" "Yes it sure as hell did (she didn't normally swear). I feel for her, I know what she is going through but I just sat back and smiled. She is FINALLY getting a taste of her own medicine." I laughed so hard I almost drove off the road.

I'm an adopted adult and this made my heart hurt. You are too a mom. But I don't think it's right to call either "REAL". Both of my mothers mean a lot to me. One I call every single day, talk about work, ask about her day, and she's the one I call when I'm worried, scared, sad, or have the best news. My other mom, I don't talk to as often as I'd like. In fact, she doesn't consider me her daughter. OUCH. Guess who I went to when I got that wound? I promise this isn't about you. I love my birth mom. She was my first love, my first emotional attachment (adopted at birth) and part of my identity. Even now that I've been rejected there is still a place in my heart for her. Sometimes us adoptees say things like your daughter did because we feel the loss of connection with that first person. And we have zero idea how to discuss it. The loss occurred before we could speak or even recall. But the event is remembered in our subconscious. It affects us daily and will for the rest of our lives. We have trust issues. The first person we entrusted for 40 plus weeks to care for us has left us. That does something to the human brain. Stop and think about the messages that sends. Think about how the infant or child would then try to protect itself ...Look, my love for my birth mother does say something about my adoptive mother. She raised a woman who would rather be the kind of person to be rejected because she loves too freely than the opposite. If my mother isn't proud of that, I can't help her.

Oh honey, how are you on adoption.com and don't know Nancy Verrier? Both of your boys are HURTING. They are dealing with it in opposite ways. Thank God the eldest is loud. I was the "good" one and until my little sister started acting out, no one had any clue I had issues. That is 100% normal. If you have two or more adopted children one will cope by acting out the other by clinging. It isn't their personalities. It is how they are dealing with loss and trauma. And since they were in the foster care system, there is loss upon loss upon loss. Your children need someone to acknowledge the pain they feel. They need somewhere to let the anger and fear out in a productive way.