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I am new to these forums and would first like to say thank you to everyone on here. I have read many of your posts and they have given me a lot of insight in to what foster care is really like. Thank you to everyone who is loving and brave enough to become a foster parent. You do not get the appreciation you deserve.
My situation:
My wife and I are considering becoming a Kinship placement for our 6 month old niece, M (her brothers daughter). She was taken into custody 2 months ago for a combination of factors (domestic disturbances, drug charges, & mom's history with DCFS). There was no abuse or neglect to our niece.
My Mother-in-law stepped forward to take M when she was first taken into DCFS custody, but the GAL feels that she has boundary and enabling issues with my BIL and doesn't trust her to follow the court orders. My MIL is a wonderful person, but after 2 months of trying to get M placed with her the GAL doesn't look like they will change their mind.
They have now said that our niece may be placed with my wife and me if we are willing. My wife and I have a good stable home and are capable of taking our niece, but we are only 25 and have no kids of our own so the idea of having a baby and dealing with the foster care system is a bit overwhelming.
Bioparents situation:
There is a no contact order between the bioparents which they have already violated once since M was taken and my BIL was arrested.
Biomom looks like not much chance for RU. They currently are not offering RU services for her due to here history with DCFS, but they have not said anything about TPR yet.
Biodad's goal is RU concurrent with adoption. So far other than violating the no contact order (which I think he is continuing to violate), he has done everything he was required to (minimal), but has not made progress to getting a stable job and housing. His big issue is that he has charges pending trial unrelated to why M was taken.
His sentence could range from parole to 10yrs depending on a judge. (My guess is 1yr minimum)
I am new to these forums and would first like to say thank you to everyone on here. I have read many of your posts and they have given me a lot of insight in to what foster care is really like. Thank you to everyone who is loving and brave enough to become a foster parent. You do not get the appreciation you deserve.
My situation:
My wife and I are considering becoming a Kinship placement for our 6 month old niece, M (her brothers daughter). She was taken into custody 2 months ago for a combination of factors (domestic disturbances, drug charges, & mom's history with DCFS). There was no abuse or neglect to our niece.
My Mother-in-law stepped forward to take M when she was first taken into DCFS custody, but the GAL feels that she has boundary and enabling issues with my BIL and doesn't trust her to follow the court orders. My MIL is a wonderful person, but after 2 months of trying to get M placed with her the GAL doesn't look like they will change their mind.
They have now said that our niece may be placed with my wife and me if we are willing. My wife and I have a good stable home and are capable of taking our niece, but we are only 25 and have no kids of our own so the idea of having a baby and dealing with the foster care system is a bit overwhelming.
Bioparents situation:
There is a no contact order between the bioparents which they have already violated once since M was taken and my BIL was arrested.
Biomom looks like not much chance for RU. They currently are not offering RU services for her due to her history with DCFS, but they have not said anything about TPR yet.
Biodad's goal is RU concurrent with adoption. So far other than violating the no contact order (which I think he is continuing to violate), he has done everything he was required to (minimal), but has not made progress to getting a stable job and housing. His big issue is that he has charges pending trial unrelated to why M was taken.
His sentence could range from parole to 10yrs depending on a judge. (My guess is 1yr minimum)
Both bioparents have weekly visits (separate). They have not missed once and have done very well with M during visits.
My feelings:
If bioparents want to make a sincere effort to change their lives and complete the case plan I would be happy to support RU.
If there was no chance of RU and M was up for adoption tomorrow I would be happy to adopt. This way she will still know her family and can have some relationship with bioparents in the futre.
Unfortunately reality will be somewhere between these two scenarios and there are many uncertainties.
Being family I know I can't bee supportive of RU if the bioparents are half-assing their case plan or conning the system to get their daughter because I will know about it.
I also don't want to be just a babysitter while my BIL serves a prison sentence. Emotionally I cant handle raising M for 2 or more years just to have her taken away.
Questions:
1. How long do bioparents have to complete their plan before goal is changed to adoption? DCFS says it is 1year, but from reading others stories it appears to be much longer. What is the reason for the extended time period?
2. What happens if biomom is out of the picture and biodad goes to prison? Will they TPR for biodad or wait until he gets out and still offer RU?
3. If the goal is changed to adoption I don't think my BIL would be accepting of us becoming M's parents permanently. Have any of you dealt with adopting a close family's child without their full consent?
4. Given this information do you think it is a good idea for M to be placed for us? Or should we continue to let the bio parents sort things out while she is in foster care? Or continue to try and get her placed with my Mother-in-law?
5. If any of you want to share similar experiences or advice I would appreciate all I can get.
Sorry for such a long post.
Thank you for reading.
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It really varies case to case. If biomom has a long history with child welfare, they may move forward more quickly than they would if it was her first time losing her child. If they aren't offering her services, it's probably not going to reunification. They usually don't start TPR until at least 12 months in care-but it's usually closer to 15 months. With biodad, they will keep the case going as reunification while they wait for the legal system to decide his fate. If he goes to jail for a short amount of time (like a year or less), they will probably continue reunification efforts and then give him about 6 months after he gets out of jail to complete his case plan. If he's sentenced to a long term stay, they will try to convince him to voluntarily relinquish the baby for adoption. If that fails, they will move forward with TPR based on his behavior that caused the baby to go into care. They usually can't tpr JUST because a parent is in prison. There has to be other things going on to support TPR. If I was taking bets, I'd say you were looking at 18 months before TPR/adoption because the baby probably won't be reunified even if dad gets probation.
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There is no way to know what will happen, but in my area the judge is very much by the book. The parents usually get 15 months to get it together unless there are other factors such as past CPS involvement that changes that. The fact that dad is in jail will not change his chance of RU services, however what he is in for and how long he will be in there do play a role. I agree with PP 15-18 months of a roller coaster ride is what you are likely in for. If there is no visitation, then the state will just make a monthly visit and your lives will otherwise be normal except around court dates when more calls and visits happen with other people involved in the case.
1. How long do bioparents have to complete their plan before goal is changed to adoption? DCFS says it is 1year, but from reading others stories it appears to be much longer. What is the reason for the extended time period?
It depends on your state & county. I am in VA and they take the permanency of infants very seriously. Biomom had 6 months to make some BIG changes.
2. What happens if biomom is out of the picture and biodad goes to prison? Will they TPR for biodad or wait until he gets out and still offer RU?
They usually wait until he is out of jail, especially since his crime was not against his child directly. They will offer services & RU. He could even have visits in jail.
3. If the goal is changed to adoption I don't think my BIL would be accepting of us becoming M's parents permanently. Have any of you dealt with adopting a close family's child without their full consent?
He doesn't have to consent. He really doesn't get a say in anything regarding his children because the state now has custody. If state believes you are an adoptive resource and he doesn't agree...SOL
4. Given this information do you think it is a good idea for M to be placed for us? Or should we continue to let the bio parents sort things out while she is in foster care? Or continue to try and get her placed with my Mother-in-law?
I would take her in a heartbeat but that's just me. She needs stability where ever that may be; you, MIL or foster parents. Plus you can keep tabs on what is going on with bios.
5. If any of you want to share similar experiences or advice I would appreciate all I can get.
I took my baby cousin home one afternoon after his biomom was arrested with pretty much with nothing at home for a 3 month old. Biomom has a long history of drug abuse and had already signed over her rights to her oldest daughter to be adopted by Grandma. DH & I were granted custody of Happy Baby while biomom served her sentence. There was already an open case for Happy Baby so when she was released from jail there was NO WAY I was just handing him back over to her.
DH & I decided to become licensed foster parents and place Happy Baby in care. Our reasons were mainly for biomom. We wanted her to have a chance to work a plan without the family drama. She had to work directly with the CW and make an effort to improve her life. I don't think biomom ever spoke to the CW outside of court.
The last time I saw her was over the summer when the judge ordered TPR. She said she was glad that HB was staying with us and that we are adopting him. She realizes she did wrong but she doesn't want to punish Happy Baby for her many mistakes more than she already has.
Our case was easy peasy compared to most on the board. Our CW is awesome and very supportive of anything Happy Baby needs. My family has also been very supportive during this situation. We never had visits because biomom would not comply with drug screenings. Biomom has a tendency to drop of the face of the earth when she messes up. Biodad is unknown so we never had that factor either.
You are 25 years old and foster care is overwhelming for you...can imagine what all of this is doing to your niece? She is only 6 months old and her life is turned upside down and may never go back to the way it was.
If it were me, I would want her know that her FAMILY wanted her, wanted her safe & loved with them until her mom and dad were ready.
You seem like you and your wife have a good head on your shoulders and want as much information as possible to make an informed decision...but sometimes you need to make a LEAP OF FAITH for the love of a child.
I wish you the best of luck and keep us posted.
25 isn't as young as you feel. I was 25 when we started the foster care process (with no previous kids). It can be done! I agree with PP, you should do what you can for your niece. She's the only one who really counts in the sinario. If you've got room and a steady relationship, then you should jump in with all your might. Your niece needs you!
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First off -- my "credentials", as it were ... we took kinship placement of our nephew in 2010 and finalized his adoption in 2013. Nearly three years from start to finish. His birth mom is my sister.
1. How long do bioparents have to complete their plan before goal is changed to adoption? DCFS says it is 1year, but from reading others stories it appears to be much longer. What is the reason for the extended time period?
Haha, that's how they sucked us in too! "Oh, the whole thing will be 6-12 months, max ... " This will vary on your state, though. It helps that your niece is so young because most states do tend to push permanency a little faster for babies. The problem is that even if after one year in care they say, "Okay, goal is adoption!" there is still more after that -- they have to file for TPR, they have to have the TPR trial, you have to wait for TPR to be granted or denied (some judges will rule from the bench, in my area they usually do not -- we waited 2.5 months to get the result). In our case, after twelve months in care, they gave a six-month extension at the permanency hearing. Why? because mom was "making progress". Sometimes "making progress" is actually a euphemism for "we don't have enough dirt yet to be completely confident of an iron-clad TPR".
2. What happens if biomom is out of the picture and biodad goes to prison? Will they TPR for biodad or wait until he gets out and still offer RU?
Depends on length of term and what he's done. If he's made progress prior to going to prison, and the term is less than a few years, RU efforts will probably continue. Part of the reason they TPR'd my son's bio dad was because he was still a couple years away from being eligible for parole ... but they TPR'd on grounds of abandonment because bio dad had made no attempts at contact. If he had been working his plan it might have been different.
Each area is different but in my state they do not like to TPR just one parent. So my son's parents were TPR'd, but because his half-sibs lived with their non-offending bio dad, they did not TPR mom for the other sibs. I have been told this is due to the faint chance of squeezing child support from the offending parent. If they decide to continue RU efforts with Dad, then I would guess they might not TPR Mom.
3. If the goal is changed to adoption I don't think my BIL would be accepting of us becoming M's parents permanently. Have any of you dealt with adopting a close family's child without their full consent?
Yes. My sister still firmly believes that I "stole" her child and that the whole case was a family conspiracy. Something like this can really divide a family, but fortunately, there is no one in the family who is on her side, so it hasn't been much of an issue. I know others here have had more problems with that aspect, though. MY concern is a vulnerable child, though, not keeping the peace with people I hardly see anyway, so it wouldn't matter to me anyway. My sister is the type of person to bury her head in the sand with anything she perceives at having "failed" so once she lost the TPR trial she basically seems to pretend we don't exist. It is sad because if she could be appropriate I would be more than willing to do an open adoption. But she has no interest in it anyway. She has her replacement baby now. :(
4. Given this information do you think it is a good idea for M to be placed for us? Or should we continue to let the bio parents sort things out while she is in foster care? Or continue to try and get her placed with my Mother-in-law?
Only you can answer that. But, it sounds very unlikely that MIL will get the baby. And in most areas, if you don't step up at the beginning of the case, then the foster parents will have first preference if the case goes to adoption. So my question would be -- how would you feel if it went to adoption and they said, sorry Charlie, too late too bad? If you are okay with that, then I would leave her in foster care and stay out of the drama. If your stomach sinks and you feel sick, I would take her in.
We took in our nephew because he had just turned 3 and we had a history with him since birth. His mom gave birth again this year and though that baby isn't in care -- yet -- we would NOT take that baby because we have no history there.
Also, in our state, kinship does not get ANY reimbursement, even if they are licensed foster parents. So if finances are a factor, you may want to ask what you would qualify for in terms of assistance. The baby should get WIC and Medicaid but you might not get anything besides that. If you both work, daycare for an infant is expensive.
Good luck with whatever you decide. Keep us posted!
Thank you all for your advise and support.
My wife and I have decided to take our niece in, as we were leaning toward this in the first place. If we had known she wasn't going to be placed with my MIL we would have stepped forward the day she was taken into state custody.
We had dinner with my in-laws last night and discussed the situation more. It seems my brother-in-law still lives in a fantasy world where all of his charges will be reduced to nothing more than a probation sentence and he will have his daughter back in no more than a couple months. I don't know if he just doesn't want to face reality or what, but there is no getting thru to him.
We are supposed to meet with the CW today to see what we have to do to get our homestudy complete and when M will be transferred to our home.
For now we look forward to having M stay with us, although we all wish it was under better circumstances. We are also preparing to strap ourselves in for the ride and see how things work out. Thank you all again for the support. These forums are an amazing resource. I will keep you posted with how things work out.
kinshipq
Thank you all for your advise and support.
My wife and I have decided to take our niece in, as we were leaning toward this in the first place. If we had known she wasn't going to be placed with my MIL we would have stepped forward the day she was taken into state custody.
We had dinner with my in-laws last night and discussed the situation more. It seems my brother-in-law still lives in a fantasy world where all of his charges will be reduced to nothing more than a probation sentence and he will have his daughter back in no more than a couple months. I don't know if he just doesn't want to face reality or what, but there is no getting thru to him.
We are supposed to meet with the CW today to see what we have to do to get our homestudy complete and when M will be transferred to our home.
For now we look forward to having M stay with us, although we all wish it was under better circumstances. We are also preparing to strap ourselves in for the ride and see how things work out. Thank you all again for the support. These forums are an amazing resource. I will keep you posted with how things work out.
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So glad you decided to take her. It is awesome when these precious children are able to be placed with appropriate loving relatives. I had three bio children by the time I was your age. :arrow: You got this.
I adopted relatives. It is not easy, but we are very glad we did it. I cannot imagine my life without these precious kids. I think it's best for them to be able to stay in their family of origin and have ongoing contact with safe family members.
Our case took awhile, even though they were very young when placed with us. We finalized their adoption on the 2 year anniversary of our placement.