Adoptive parents lack interest

It takes time, they probably have fears and need to see that you aren't leaving. There is also a chance they truly aren't interested but if I had to bet, it's jealousy and fear. You shouldn't have to not talk about it, but sometimes you have to be the bigger person and just let time work it's magic. Kind regards, Dickons

I guess I look at it a little differently. (I, however, do agree with Dickons that your a-parents' responses are based in fear and jealousy.) You are the only connection between the two sides. While you may feel that it is a coming together of family, the truth is that your a-family and b-family are not related. I'm trying to see things from the a-parents' points of view.... When a family member or friend starts talking about people I don't know, I do tend to lose interest. I listen politely for a bit, but then I tune out. And, your a-parents aren't related to your b-family. So, I would imagine that they were curious about some things. Once their curiosities were satisfied, they lost interest. That doesn't mean that you should stop trying to talk to them. They may eventually come around. But, their disinterest kind of makes sense to me. This is your reunion, not theirs.

My son is 3. He has a bio brother (4) and a bio sister (7) still with the birth family. There is a lot that happened that I will NEVER tell my son - things said by b-mom that would hurt him. And she's deceased and cannot defend herself so there is no point going there with him as he gets older. I see so much of my son in his sibs and while I love them, there is not an emotional bond with them. I try to love them simply because they are a part of my son and will always be a part of his life (I will make sure they are as long as it is safe.) As an A-parent, we are expected to have all the answers and make all of the right calls regarding reunion, relationships, etc. But we are simply flying blind. I PRAY that my son would come to me and tell me if what I do is wrong for him. Talk to them. It's funny, we just saw the new Batman movie and there is a line in there that I loved. Peter Parker is looking for answers about his mom and dad and tells his aunt this. She cries and says, "But you're MY boy!" And he said, "Yes, I'm your boy. And I love you. Finding out about them isn't about that. Don't get this mixed up. I just need answers." I guess I mention this because maybe they need reassurance that it isn't about needing LOVE, but needed ANSWERS. We sometimes forget this. God bless as you find your way through this!

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I totally get everything you all are saying and even knew all of that before posting. I guess I was thinking, in part, that by sharing news about just my sisters and bringing my A-parents into the conversation and experience would help reassure them, make them part of the journey. I don't want them to feel left out but I also don't want to feel like I have to hide this from them. I think what had me upset after the call was, I was expressing to them that I was surprised to find that I am jealous of the relationship that all four girls have and that I don't know if that is because I never had sisters or the fact that my A-brother basically abandoned me when he became a Jehovah's Witness. My brother and I were very close and when he became a witness and I had no interest in "Converting" I became irrelevant to him. He has a whole church full of new "Brothers and Sisters" as they call themselves. My parents who have for YEARS complained about this very same thing are suddenly claiming that, that is not true?? HUH?? I don't even know what I was crying about? My brother, my sisters, my parents lack of interest or strange denial of my lack of relationship with my brother??? I know we are all a jumble of emotions right now. I am finding that hard because I tend to stuff emotions down and ignore them, hoping they will go away. The more I read the posts on here I am realizing that maybe....just maybe I am not so well adjusted and emotionless about being adopted as I always thought.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please keep us posted. Let me ask you this. Have you ever thought about WHAT they could have said to make this better? I mean, sometimes a situation just can't be made better with words. Is this one of those things? Because I always say adoption is like a coin. The two sides are bound together but neither can see the other's view. Ever. Is there anything they could have said right? I don't mean you have to tell US, I'm just saying that if you look at it from that angle, maybe you can find clearer answers. Coming from an A-mom, let me tell you this. I love that you take your parent's feelings into consideration. You should. But in the end, you are not responsible for them. This is your life. You need to be ok with this new relationship. Keep telling your parents that you love them and that you will always be their child. But do what you need to do to have closure or peace. Life is too short.

Lunahestia - I'm sorry this is all very tough stuff. I'm sure your perfectly adjusted. I'm sure your as normal as the rest of us LOL! :arrow: But perhaps your parents non interest is actually them just trying to be supportive but neutral. I know my teen kiddo gets upset with me at times because of my "non stance on a topic" makes her think I don't care. Perhaps it's just coming off as "non interested". My best suggestion to you is communication. By phone isn't the best. You miss body language and other clues and you need to be honest and just tell them what you need. Making them try to figure it out is only going to lead to more disappointment for you. You have enough going on right now and if you expected a different outcome you should start the conversation off in person by saying so. I imagine they're just trying to get through this next phase just as you are. Be true to yourself, honest about your feelings and truthful with others. You'll get through it. Best of luck sweetie!

I think it's kind of like with inlaws. While my mother in law or sister in law may occasionally ask about my sisters that they have met, they really have no interest in their lives, I have a ton of interest in them. But, to my mother in law and sister in law, they are not really someone that they have a relationship with. They care about me, after all I am the mother of their grandchildren. I keep up with my husband's brother and his wife, but his wife's sister, whom I met at their wedding but have not seen since, I don't really keep up with how she is doing, even though my sister in law and her sister are very close. I don't think your parents are trying to hurt you, they just don't have an emotional interest in your sisters like they do with you.

Polite disinterest, while not the best response is better than active discouragement. I am just now getting back in contact since my amom passed away.

I realize I really have no business complaining. All things considered I have been very lucky, my reunion has been going fairly well....so far :) I think I am just using this as a place to vent, a sort of sounding board about all these wacky emotions that are coming at me that I never expected or even knew I had! @wrking21 unfortunately talking to my A-parents in person is not really possible, they live in Florida. Even further away than my B-family who are all in Massachusetts. I am in Upstate New York. I think right now I am trying so hard to find a way to make this good for everybody involved. The truth is, as much as I love my A-parents I DO want a relationship with my B-family, especially my sisters. At some point I do think I am entitled to be a little selfish and make this about what I want.

I didn't hear you "complaining" I heard you telling us your feelings. Which is why we are here! :) You are exactly right we are that sounding board. As that sounding board we give you our perspectives and you give us yours it makes this yucky process better for all involved so never apologize! Perhaps distance makes it harder to do face to face but Skype is free? Facetime? I know older parents can have difficulty with technology and if that's the case just call them and still be honest tell them your last conversation didn't have the outcome you were looking for and how you felt about it and say "I'm sure you didn't mean to come off that way but I guess over the phone we lost something in translation. But it's important to me your my parents and I want you to care about the people who are important to me." I think this will change how you feel about their outlook on your reunion. Or at the minimum it will clarify their stance for you either way. This is about you. The whole situation is. Trust me I'm sure they know that. I think that's even more reason why you need to be open upfront and honest and just tell them what you need. That's how you'll get it! Keep us informed and we are here for you!

Woah! Don't listen to all the chatter that you hear out there about adoptees being selfish for wanting to know their biological families. You are NOT being selfish at all. For many of us, there is an absolute need to know.

I'm a few days late to this party, but I wanted to say exactly what L4R said above. You absolutely aren't being "selfish" by wanting a relationship with your biological family members. Don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise.

I wanted to say the same There is nothing wrong with wanting more than answers. Not a thing wrong with wanting to share your time, even your love, with whoever you choose. And nothing wrong with wanting to be loved by others. Might not always work out! But nothing wrong in giving it a try while being considerate to others involved. I finally got an answer out of my aDad about why they didn't have much to say, of any depth, about my reunion and didn't show interest in my new found relatives - 1. It was awkward and a little scary, thought it would change our family. Even tho I told him "Ha! You're not getting rid of me that easy mister" Took him a while to believe it. 2. They didn't want to say anything stupid or wrong to upset me, so they kept it short, or just smiled. They were upset and emotional about it all, too. Of course I replied that saying stupid things never stopped them before:evilgrin: This was important , they didn't want to mess it up for me, or make it more difficult for me, or mess up my relationships by being in the picture (which is exactly what they did, made it more difficult for me by NOT saying dumb things LOL could have been worse I guess) I waited for answer #2 for 15 years. Glad I finally heard that they knew it was important to me and were actually trying to help in their own odd way. Of course the guy on my shoulder is saying, uh-huh, I think you may have forgotten quite a bit that went on 15 years ago Pop. Story sounds good now tho, I think I will grab it and run with it. Now that we are in the future, and can see how it went, that fear is gone for them, and that fear of loosing them over it is gone for me. Everything makes more sense now without the fear factor ramping up emotions. The good part about poking my Dad for answers for so many years, and trying to understand my entire afamily thru this and get them to talk - I finally got to the point where I don't need to talk to them about any of it, and don't need them to talk to me about it. I think it was simply my guilt that wanted that so badly, and simply wanting them to be OK with it. I really needed to hear that from them, sincerely. Their non-involvement said the opposite to me. In time, actions spoke louder than any words they could have come up with. Just took longer.

I completely understand where you are coming from and your disappointment. I've been struggling with a similar issue for 12 years. I want my families to be my family. It is the only way I can reconcile who am to myself. Neither side can understand the pain, difficulty, and pressure that comes with walking that line. All you can do is communicate your needs and hope that they can put you before themselves. xoxoxo