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My husband and I are considering becoming foster parents and possibly adoption. We went to an informational meeting to learn more and the way it was presented, it almost sounded like foster children are a nightmare to be around. It also sounded like there were more negatives than positives.
After going to the informational meeting I just felt liking running away from the whole idea of foster parenting/adoption. It kind of turned me off a little bit. But my husband is still open to this, but I have my doubts and fears.
So my question is are foster kids really that bad cause I've heard some horror stories?
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If you can, I highly recommend volunteering with foster kids in some capacity. We are going to be a foster/adoptive home (and possibly straight adoption depending on when we get licensed/ages) looking for school age kids, ages 5-8 most likely, since our daughter will be 8 by time we are done with everything), and I was scared too. I read the scary stories and the scary issues. However I volunteer as a counselor with this age range (and older, up to 17) and these kids are just kids. Many have ADHD, some have PTSD and/or associated issues like bedwetting/enuresis, and the like, but honestly they are almost all wonderful kids. Some I have bonded too and would love to take most of them home with me. Some have siblings. Some have anger/defiance issues but wouldn't you if you were abused/neglected and then moved about? Wouldn't you think you knew better how to survive your situation than these adults?
I can honestly say that out of the 10 or so kids I have fostered and the nearly 100 kids in a care I have represented as their attorney, one placement was "bad" and one client was "bad." The rest have been just normal kids. The "bad" foster kid was not a bad kid, he just was not a good fit for our family. Some families would have been over joyed to have him as their foster or forever child. The one client I had was actually bad in the legal and moral sense of the word. I wouldn't want him as a foster child and I cannot imagine anyone who would. Most certainly all foster kids are not bad. Most are normal kids. All kids have issues. With foster kids you just know the cause of the issues is likely trauma related. I always encourage people to go through the classes and take a really easy first placement. You also might ask if you can volunteer at the visitation center to get an idea of what the kids are generally like. They are certainly not monsters (with a few exceptions!).
It does depend on your age range but like many of the pp indicated, many children come into Care traumatized. Our two came into Care @ 15mo/4mo and they both were traumatized by what happened in their home and then being moved to complete strangers. Today, a year later, you wouldn't know. It took learning new parenting skills and patience but it was definitely worth it. So, not all children in Care are devil children. They are just little people trying to make sense of a world that hasn't always been too kind.
It does depend on your age range but like many of the pp indicated, many children come into Care traumatized. Our two came into Care @ 15mo/4mo and they both were traumatized by what happened in their home and then being moved to complete strangers. Today, a year later, you wouldn't know. It took learning new parenting skills and patience but it was definitely worth it.
So, not all children in Care are devil children. They are just little people trying to make sense of a world that hasn't always been too kind.
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You really do need to prepare yourself for the worse. It depends on what kids you are dealing with, and as everyone has said, when dealing with traumatized kids, you have to expect behavior problems.
We had an 11 year old boy as an emergency placement that was as well behaved and sweet as any kid you can imagine. But he was with us for 2.5 days and was placed with his non-offending parent.
If possible, kids will be placed with relatives or friends of the family. Those that don't have anyone to go to stay with non-relative foster parents. That means kids who have far less stable home lives and likely parent(s) who have more issues like drug addiction and mental illness.
There's also the question of what exactly you consider terrible behavior. Some people aren't cut out to deal with kids with severe behavior problems. My husband cannot tolerate kids being disrespectful, swearing at him and being inconsiderate. He's not able to let little things slide - like the kids not taking off their shoes in the house and lets those types of things become large battles. But there are some posters on here that are great with older foster kids and don't sweat any of those small issues and just let everything slide and it works.
lambeausam
Foster kids are no worse than foster parents. .
Kat-L
I know of more horrible foster parents than horrible foster kids.
I had one child (out of many, many kids) who I could not care for due to attachment issues. She was 4 and was beautiful and charming. You would never guess that parenting her would be a nightmare and turn your life upside down.
All the other kids were just "kids". Everyday, ordinary, sometimes 'naughty' but usually 'good' kids.
The trouble you will have will depend on the ages you foster.
A newborn? Well, how well do you do with only a few hours of sleep? How do you cope with long hours of crying if the baby has colic or was drug exposed?
Toddler ages? The child is being taken from their home and placed with complete strangers. They are going to be terrified. They 'usually' cry for a few days, sometimes longer-especially at bedtime-until they get acclimated to you and your home. Sometimes they don't eat much. Sometimes they will be quiet and kind of shell-shocked and dazed. Others will just come in "happy" and you wonder "What is wrong? Why isn't he grieving?" and the grief will come later. Other kids might be used to being dropped off with "babysitters" by their parents and it's no big deal to move in with you. They can express their anger and fear by biting, having tantrums, crying, being excessively clingy and whiny.
School age: These kids have an idea of what is going on. The school age kids I have had usually struggled at dinner time and bed time. The good thing is you can reason with them and talk to them about what is wrong. These kids tend to "honeymoon"-a few weeks of excellent behavior before they start 'testing' you to see what you will do if they misbehave. Sometimes, the testing is just little things like backtalk. Other times, it's big things like breaking things, bad tantrums, etc. If they are angry, they can express angry in healthy ways but they probably haven't learned too many healthy ways. While they are honeymooning, it's a good time to discuss consequences. If you do _____, then ____ will happen. That way, when they test your resolve, they will know what to expect.
If you aren't their first foster home, they may try behaviors that will drive you away and force you to have them moved. They are terrified of getting close to you and you giving up on them. So, they make the first move and drive you batty in an attempt to get you to give up first and ask the CW to move them. This is super hard to deal with. They can be creative in ways to drive you insane and are experts at pushing buttons. If you can survive their attempt at driving you away, you can end up with a wonderful kid.
Teenagers? They probably know the ropes and have been in care before. They will be quiet for a while so they can figure out how things work in your house. Some kids are just glad to have a safe place to live with people who are nice. Some kids wonder what they can get from you (because new foster parents tend to buy them things). Others may be angry and direct that anger at you.
If kids have been physically abused, they may be skittish or maybe don't cry when they are hurt because they think no one will care.
If a kid was neglected, he may be 'behind' his peers. Maybe he acts younger than his age, isn't able to handle classwork because no one ever sat down with him to work on homework and fractions and spelling.
If he comes from a home where mental illness is rampant, he might also have mental illness which may or may not be controlled with drugs and therapy.
If a child was sexually abused, she may act out 'sexually' towards other kids, your husband or other adults in your home. They can put you and your husband at risk if they make allegations against you.
Once you know the age you are looking to foster, you can plan accordingly. You can let the CW know in advance if there are things you can't handle.
For instance, I'll take girls and boys up to age 10 but no sexual abuse. Or, I'll take school age children but not ones with a diagnosed or suspected mental illness.
Once you know what you're comfortable with, you can plan accordingly and you'll be ready for things that come your way.
If a child is coming from another foster home, always ask to speak to the current foster parent. Find out why they are moving, what behaviors they have, etc.
Don't kid yourself into thinking you can "love" an emotionally damaged child into health. Becoming emotionally healthy takes more than love- it takes time, sometimes years, and massive commitment to therapy and counseling. Be clear about what you can and can't accept. Know your limits and stick to them.
If a child hurts your dog or another child in your home (on purpose), lights fires, engages in dangerous behavior, you have to decide if you want to commit to healing this child OR is this more than you bargained for? There are some kids who are so traumatized that they will need years of intensive care to heal. Sometimes, after years of intensive care, they don't heal anyway. If you can't parent this kind of child, say so.
If a child isn't a good match for your home, the agency will find a new home for them. You won't ever be stuck in a 'nightmare' with no way out.
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jillianh
However I volunteer as a counselor with this age range (and older, up to 17) and these kids are just kids. Many have ADHD, some have PTSD and/or associated issues like bedwetting/enuresis, and the like, but honestly they are almost all wonderful kids. Some I have bonded too and would love to take most of them home with me. Some have siblings. Some have anger/defiance issues but wouldn't you if you were abused/neglected and then moved about? Wouldn't you think you knew better how to survive your situation than these adults?
Foster children are not "bad." They are hurt people, often traumatized, and have additional struggles because of those things. They have had months or years of being neglected and abused (even a newborn inutero), have been ripped from their families and homes, often have had multiple people fail to provide safety and stability for them, the SYSTEM often fails to provide safety and stability for them. They have learned not to trust.
Behavior is simply communication. You can teach them to communicate in healthier ways. You can teach them to behave in more socially acceptable ways. You can teach them to trust to some degree (and if you adopt, you have many more years in which to do it and don't have to be one more that disappears in time). You can give them what they need while they are with you and hopefully it will make a difference in the long run.
Anyway, but the kids are usually not the part that foster parents have the most issue with. The system is *really* hard on the kids and foster parents. I hurt for what kids go through in fostercare. That is probably the hardest part. Then add all the crud for us: a ton of documentation, various people with little respect for our family's needs or for us as people, ridiculous regulations, invasion of privacy, etc. It is just *very* wearing.
Is it really rough? Yes, it can be. And it is a blessing well beyond understanding.
arran
I want to add to this that a lot of volunteers and individuals like teachers, GALs and CW get to see the good side of kids. Foster parents are the ones that can see the more negative side. They are the ones that have to deal with the kids far more hours, are the ones that have to tell them no and that they can take their anger and frustration out on.
My former 16 year old FD was an angel at school and several of her teachers asked about becoming foster parents so they could take her when she was moved out of our home.
Had she been as verbally abusive to her teachers as she was to me and my husband, she would have been thrown out of school. Teachers and volunteers have far more ways of dealing with kids who become abusive than foster parents do. You can feel like a prisoner in your own home.
This is not always the case, but I think it's wise to be prepared for it since there are far too many foster parents who aren't and then kids have to be moved because their foster parents are ill equipped to deal with them.
No foster Kids are not bad, Yes they do have issues, because of what they went through in their past. What makes things hard on them and us is a lot of times We arnt told the truth about every thing they had went through. So we weren't prepared for all the issues they come with.
As for the meeting you went to about foster care. In that first meeting they try to discourage you some what to see which of the the potential parents are serious about takeing these kids in. The state doesn't want to spend the money and time to train you just to have you quit half way through or after they licence you have you change your mind about becoming a foster parent . They need us to care for these kids, as well as these kids need someone to care for them. In many cases we are the first people in those children's lives that actually ever cared any thing at all about them. Yes some of these kids have more issues than others and they put our training to the test, and make us knock our head against the wall and ask ourselves why. But those are the ones who when we reach them are the reason why we are a foster Parent. Every Foster Parent out here could tell you stories that could discourage you , but those of us who has gone to the mat for a child who never had any one who cared for them has seen the reward of that simple smile of picture they gave us or drew that makes us know, Why.
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there are some kids who are in foster care not because of the bio parents---they are there because of choices that they, the child, have made. I wouldn't say they are bad kids-- they may have mental health issues or behavioral issues that the bio parent can't address and maintain the safety of the household as well. And sometimes a child in the care of DCF is able to get services that are not available to the bio parents or they may get services faster and not be put on a waiting list or fall through the cracks.
That being said, the majority of kids who are in foster care do not fit this category. Like other posters have said, they are kids who have been dealt a crappy hand in life. All we can do is try our best to help them as much as we can, show them kindness and love, and make sure they have access to whatever services they might need.
My brief opinion of your fears is this; If you have considered foster care/adoption because of what you can do for the kids, you will likely be successful with effort, time, love and patience, and by successful, I mean happy with your choice. If you have considered foster care/adoption because of what the kids can do for you, make you a mom, complete your family, strengthen your marriage, give you happiness, etc., etc., etc. . . then your instinct to run away is a good one. That said, learn more! Listen to what others have to say. Take your training classes. You can do those and NOT be obligated to go any further. Give yourself a chance. When you were a kid, I bet the deep end of the pool scared the tar outta you, but then you learned to swim.