Guilt / sadness for bio-families

Sounds like you could use some counseling as well. You did not cause your son to be adopted. You did not put him in that position, or make him lose his birth family. Those were choices made by others. Your choice was to parent him and love him for the rest of his life. I speak as one who dealt with guilt. And still feel sadness for them, but no longer guilt. I did not cause my children to be adopted. I did not make the choices that led to that. I did agree to be their mother, and everything that comes with that. My husband had to remind me of that frequently. It is good that you realize the loss and pain that comes with adoption. Adoption can be a beautiful amazing blessing. It also involves loss. Recognizing that can help you be more understanding and compassionate, which helps you be a better mother to your son. You are not responsible for their pain. You are responsible to let it go, and focus on loving your child. Of course your ability to see their side also helps you treat them and their feelings with kindness, respect and compassion, but feeling guilty about their pain, or feeling any responsibility for this will not help you or your son. Let it go. Be aware, be kind, but let that be their thing to deal with, and let your thing to deal with be being the best mother you can to your son. That is what you owe them, nothing more. Although that alone is huge, and it is what you owe your son and yourself as well.

I felt a lot of guilt at one point too; it still comes back occasionally, but mostly I feel sadness instead when those thoughts come up.Juliana is right: you are not the cause of their sadness. My son's bparents felt at the time that they had no other option but to place him for adoption. I did not cause the circumstances, and I did not control whether he was adopted or by whom. I didn't even meet his bparents until after he had been with me for several days. After we met, when I shared some of my feelings of guilt with the social worker, she told me that meeting me and getting to know me made them feel better about the necessity for adoption, because they felt good about him being with me.My son's bparents are parenting their older child, and they hoped at the time to have more children when they were in a place to do so. They are good parents, and I sometimes feel sad for him for what he is missing as well as sad for them for losing him. That sadness is okay. What's not okay is to let it take over, because that takes away from your child. You are not responsible for anyone else's feelings or experience, and you can't control how and how well his bparents manage their grief. Just as with any other issue, you can't control whether or not they get help. You may think you know what they need, but it really is their choice to accept help or not. What you can do is follow through with everything you have offered to do to keep in touch. In terms of bgrandpa, it sounds like his bparents might not have been in a financial position to take him to visit either, if they had parented. You can try other ways of keeping in touch; one thing that has worked for me with my best friend, who moved 3,000 miles away when my son was under a year, is skype. He can't participate much in those calls, but she sees him, he sees her, and it is a way to keep in touch. I also have family pictures up - including pics of his bfamily. I don't just keep a picture of then in his room; I put it on the wall with all of our other family photos. There is grief in adoption for adoptees and bparents, but it is there for aparents as well. It is not healthy to take on someone else's feelings, but it is important to deal with your own. For me, coming to grips with how complicated adoption is on an emotional level (rather than just intellectually) did bring grief, and I am sad that his bfamily is not as much a part of his life as I think would be good. Those are the emotions I am responsible for, and it was helpful to me to give myself permission to feel and talk about them. I have some folks in real life as well as here who I can talk to. It is important to me that those people be from all sides of the triad, as well, because we do have different perspectives. There have been a number of very gracious bmoms on these boards in particular who have helped me to look at the grief without the blame part. Sorry that was so long. I can be wordy sometimes when I'm struggling to identify or get across something I am still figuring out. I hope it helped.

I felt a lot of guilt at one point too; it still comes back occasionally, but mostly I feel sadness instead when those thoughts come up. Juliana is right: you are not the cause of their sadness. My son's bparents felt at the time that they had no other option but to place him for adoption. I did not cause the circumstances, and I did not control whether he was adopted or by whom. I didn't even meet his bparents until after he had been with me for several days. After we met, when I shared some of my feelings of guilt with the social worker, she told me that meeting me and getting to know me made them feel better about the necessity for adoption, because they felt good about him being with me. My son's bparents are parenting their older child, and they hoped at the time to have more children when they were in a place to do so. They are good parents, and I sometimes feel sad for him for what he is missing as well as sad for them for losing him. That sadness is okay. What's not okay is to let it take over, because that takes away from your child. You are not responsible for anyone else's feelings or experience, and you can't control how and how well his bparents manage their grief. Just as with any other issue, you can't control whether or not they get help. You may think you know what they need, but it really is their choice to accept help or not. What you can do is follow through with everything you have offered to do to keep in touch. In terms of bgrandpa, it sounds like his bparents might not have been in a financial position to take him to visit either, if they had parented. You can try other ways of keeping in touch; one thing that has worked for me with my best friend, who moved 3,000 miles away when my son was under a year, is skype. He can't participate much in those calls, but she sees him, he sees her, and it is a way to keep in touch. I also have family pictures up - including pics of his bfamily. I don't just keep a picture of then in his room; I put it on the wall with all of our other family photos. There is grief in adoption for adoptees and bparents, but it is there for aparents as well. It is not healthy to take on someone else's feelings, but it is important to deal with your own. For me, coming to grips with how complicated adoption is on an emotional level (rather than just intellectually) did bring grief, and I am sad that his bfamily is not as much a part of his life as I think would be good. Those are the emotions I am responsible for, and it was helpful to me to give myself permission to feel and talk about them. I have some folks in real life as well as here who I can talk to. It is important to me that those people be from all sides of the triad, as well, because we do have different perspectives. There have been a number of very gracious bmoms on these boards in particular who have helped me to look at the grief without the blame part. Sorry that was so long. I can be wordy sometimes when I'm struggling to identify or get across something I am still figuring out. I hope it helped.

Juliana and Ruth both gave excellent replies. Honestly, there's really nothing I can add that they didn't say already. I'm in a similar situation and I understand the guilt and sadness. Sweetpea has 4 older siblings who look a lot like her, too. I'm not sure but my guess is that they don't know about Sweetpea (3 of them were very young and I doubt they would have known). I worry about how that will play out when they're all older. Many wonderful people here on all sides of the triad helped me realize what Juliana and Ruth just expressed. You're definitely not alone. All you can do is love your son and be the best mom you can be while having compassion and empathy for all involved.

MeInIL - You're not alone. I think most of the AP's have these feelings. I struggle with them often and sometimes I get too caught up in their struggles and I have to re-group myself and come back to a center place and realize that I'm not responsible. I too was contacted by the First Family. I didn't go through an agency with either child, so I connected to them deeply and I hurt when they hurt. It just makes it hard. I feel like I'm always walking a fine line of First Family and my own struggles with the adoption. I think being cognizant of their feelings and loss, while doing what you can for Mini all you can do. Clearly this was a choice they made, you had nothing to do with it and I imagine if you didn't adopt Mini someone else would have. You may need to give yourself a bit of a First Family Breather. Take a few weeks to recenter yourself. Sometimes getting back to your own perspective can help a lot. Hugs, C-

Thanks for the empathetic replies. It's good be reminded that I'm not alone, even though I already knew many feel the same. It sounds like it's just a matter of time. Things *have* been getting easier. It's just taling to the b-grandpa that always makes me a little sad. I also feel a bit sad posting all my happy baby moments on Facebook knowing that the b-parents and grandparents probably look at all these milestones and my joy and hugs and laughter and think, "Maybe if only..." They assure me they want to see this, so I don's block them, but I always feel a bit bad. Thanks again for the support... I think it's all I really need. I know it will get easier as time progresses.

Yeah, you aren't alone. We were sought out by our son's bparents, and he has 2 older sibs that are still with family. They are NOT in a good situation and there is still abuse, neglect, drugs, etc. at play in their lives. We have an open adoption, so we see the kiddos often (Our son is 3, bro is 4 and sis is 7). I have lot of guilt that we couldn't "save them." I know, it was HER choice to place our son. As it was her choice to KEEP them. I still struggle. I see the path bro and sis are going down and I ache for them. But my son is my priority and I have to move past it. I love those kids, but I see that soon, we will be in a place where we will have to limit time spent with them simply for the safety of our son. It will not be fun for me.

I'm a first/birth/natural mother, and my heart goes out to you. I think there's a difference between guilt and sadness, and while of course I wouldn't presume to tell you how to feel, in your situation, coming from the mind and not the heart, I think it's rational to feel sadness but that you don't need to feel guilt. In your situation, you were approached by the parents--you didn't go seeking an agency that could get you a kid quickly, pressure an emom, ignore father's rights, play "moving between states to get what I want, or do any of the other things that IMO (and I realize it's just my opinion) are morally reprehensible in order to "gotcha!" a child. You have behaved admirably and continue to do so, especially in relation to the child's grandfather. That said, I'm now a grandparent, and it would totally devastate me to find out that a grandchild of mine had been adopted by non-related people without my knowledge. So yes, I would be very sad, to put it mildly. But if, that being done, and nothing I could do about it now any way, I would really appreciate the way you reach out and continue communication. And, believe it or not, whatever you do, the subtext--your concern for my feelings, and the children's feelings about me, and a look at the future--would be so, so appreciated and respected. Of course grandparents are going to wonder "what if?" Actually, most people involved on the surrender side always wonder "what if?" It's simply what happens to us when a child is surrendered to strangers. But you have made sure that the grandpa is not a stranger, and not only I think for the sake of the child, which is paramount, but also from compassion for him. Guilt? If this was the ethical adoption that you describe, you don't deserve guilt. Sadness? Of course. It's to your credit that someone else's loss makes you feel sad. That's not only what makes you human, it's what makes you a good human. Sadness is a natural part of this not-very-natural process. You are processing other people's sadness and caring about it, and so I think you and your child may well be one of the adoption success stories. Feel sad. It's okay. It's in many ways a sad situation. It's also a good one in which you are including the right people in your joy. The sadness may always be there. The joy is yours to create.

I'm a first/birth/natural mother, and my heart goes out to you. I think there's a difference between guilt and sadness, and while of course I wouldn't presume to tell you how to feel, in your situation, coming from the mind and not the heart, I think it's rational to feel sadness but that you don't need to feel guilt. In your situation, you were approached by the parents--you didn't go seeking an agency that could get you a kid quickly, pressure an emom, ignore father's rights, play "moving between states to get what I want, or do any of the other things that IMO (and I realize it's just my opinion) are morally reprehensible in order to "gotcha!" a child. You have behaved admirably and continue to do so, especially in relation to the child's grandfather. That said, I'm now a grandparent, and it would totally devastate me to find out that a grandchild of mine had been adopted by non-related people without my knowledge. So yes, I would be very sad, to put it mildly. But if, that being done, and nothing I could do about it now any way, I would really appreciate the way you reach out and continue communication. And, believe it or not, whatever you do, the subtext--your concern for my feelings, and the children's feelings about me, and a look at the future--would be so, so appreciated and respected. Of course grandparents are going to wonder "what if?" Actually, most people involved on the surrender side always wonder "what if?" It's simply what happens to us when a child is surrendered to strangers. But you have made sure that the grandpa is not a stranger, and not only I think for the sake of the child, which is paramount, but also from compassion for him. Guilt? If this was the ethical adoption that you describe, you don't deserve guilt. Sadness? Of course. It's to your credit that someone else's loss makes you feel sad. That's not only what makes you human, it's what makes you a good human. Sadness is a natural part of this not-very-natural process. You are processing other people's sadness and caring about it, and so I think you and your child may well be one of the adoption success stories. Feel sad. It's okay. It's in many ways a sad situation. It's also a good one in which you are including the right people in your joy. The sadness may always be there. The joy is yours to create.

Thanks again, everyone. PatsyMae, thank you so much for your view from the other side. You did make me feel a lot better, although I realize I will always be sad for the other family, and as you said, that is normal and human. I hope Mini will feel loved and secure with himself as he grows, and that bio-family does not regret their decision.

MeInIl, I think that one of the things that is probably inherent for a lot of families that place a child for adoption is regret. It may not be regret about the adoption itself, but it may be regret about finding themselves in the position to need adoption at all. I think the other important thing to remember is that for a lot of people, grief isn't linear, it doesn't matter what kind of grief. I like the stages of grieving, but I revisit the earlier stages a lot when it comes to Kiddo and even my own adoption, and I'm 36. I feel sadness for my son's mom and dad, even though they probably wouldn't believe that, haha. I am sad for them that they couldn't conceive a child. I know how much it hurts his mom in particular. I truly wish that everyone that is ready and wants to be a parent could be without needing adoption. I wish that people who shouldn't be or aren't to be parents, just couldn't create kids. One of the things I remind myself of though, is that in order for myself to continue on my healing path, I can't let myself get swallowed into their grief. I used to worry about everything about his folks. I wouldn't do ANYTHING in my life without worrying about how it would affect them and him. I also worried about what they thought of me constantly. I realized one day that I just can't do that. What they think of me is their business and I know that at some points they haven't thought much of me, which is fine, that is their deal, not mine, I know the truth. When I met them I did have some problems, the biggest one was that I was living with a not nice man. That changed and I think they can't believe what I have accomplished and I think it bothers them that I am not stuck in the same place I used to be. Ok, point of this big ol' long ramble is, you might be surprised at what Mini's other mom and dad are thinking. You might be surprised to know that they worry about your feelings too. As Patsymae said, we are all humans in this.

I'm lucky I think in that I never felt a desire to conceive naturally. I never tried, I have no idea if it's possible, etc. The first attorney I visited for Mini's adoption told me (she had adopted and had wanted to but couldn't conceive) that I shouldn't pursue this adoption and I should just try having biological kids first. It was a glimpse into the minds of people who suffer a lot from infertility.My baby's b-mom was trying to get her life together and then Mini came around and she felt like she couldn't keep pulling herself together with another baby (her other kids are finally old enough that she can do "stuff"). I have been her cheerleader all the way and am happy to see her setting all sorts of goals (academic, life, and physical) for herself and reaching them.I know his b-mom and b-dad care for my feelings and worry about me, too. I hope they don't feel sad for me, though, as I am really quite happy in everything, except, I guess, for them. It would be silly for them to feel sad for me for feeling sad for them for feeling sad for me for... ;) Thanks for putting it in perspective. I would not have guessed b-mom would feel sad for a-parents, too.

I'm lucky I think in that I never felt a desire to conceive naturally. I never tried, I have no idea if it's possible, etc. The first attorney I visited for Mini's adoption told me (she had adopted and had wanted to but couldn't conceive) that I shouldn't pursue this adoption and I should just try having biological kids first. It was a glimpse into the minds of people who suffer a lot from infertility. My baby's b-mom was trying to get her life together and then Mini came around and she felt like she couldn't keep pulling herself together with another baby (her other kids are finally old enough that she can do "stuff"). I have been her cheerleader all the way and am happy to see her setting all sorts of goals (academic, life, and physical) for herself and reaching them. I know his b-mom and b-dad care for my feelings and worry about me, too. I hope they don't feel sad for me, though, as I am really quite happy in everything, except, I guess, for them. It would be silly for them to feel sad for me for feeling sad for them for feeling sad for me for... ;) Thanks for putting it in perspective. I would not have guessed b-mom would feel sad for a-parents, too.

"grief isn't linear" Really, I think that in those three words, belleinblue has made one of the most profound, and most important, statements about adoption.