Building positive relationship with bio parents

jlsc, You might want to try some of these boards. I didn't find one the answered your question directly but there is a lot of advice from parent and birth families who are in open adoptions. [url]http://forums.adoption.com/living-open-adoption/[/url] [url]http://forums.adoption.com/communication-between-birth-parents-adoptive-parents/[/url] [url]http://forums.adoption.com/birth-parents-open-adoption/[/url]

Thanks for the links. I wasn't able to find any answers to my question, so I spoke to our social worker and here are some suggestions she had. * Think about the bio parents during various holidays (ie Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas etc.) and have the child make an art/craft or buy a small thoughtful gift for for their bio parent * be open to sharing photos, details and milestones with the bio parent so they don't feel excluded from the child's life Does anyone else have any ideas?

Due to the nature of our case, we were not formally introduced until 5mo later and a stalking incident. So I would suggest that you formally introduce yourself as well as supply google# if appropriate for any future calls for children. Also introduce BioParents as the Parents to everyone including the children.(We always end w/ me telling the children to say "Good-bye" to their parents. We don't do hugs and kisses due to inconsistent visits.) If possible, request a picture from BioParents so you can have for the child to frame in their room. Whenever you take professional pictures, give copies to BioParents.(fyi-Most BioParents take a ton of pictures during visits) Make small talk after the visit to show you're not a threat. And remind BioParents that you are here to take care of their child so you are not involved in other aspects of the case. Btw we are foster/adopt FP so we foster first and if any child can not return home, we will adopt.

Thanks LotusMama, Can you please explain what you mean by Google #? I As well, I'm wondering if many parents use online tools such as Facebook and create a private page between the foster and bio family to share photos and videos?

Sorry, I meant a Google phone#. I have one that is given to BioParents. That way they don't know my actual phone# since we got rid of the landline a year ago. Regarding FB, you have to find out if your area is ok w/ you sharing photos via social media. I know in our area, they really discourage FB. I know some FB will use Snapfish or another photo website to share photos. However remember that BioParents will most likely share any photo your provide on their open FB page. This is not an issue if your child successfully RU but if you adopt, it can become an issue.

I found this excellent article online that is exactly what I was looking for. [url=http://www.fosteringperspectives.org/fpv13n1/foster.htm]Building a Positive Relationship with Birth Parents[/url]

I had a really good relationship with my FFD's mom, even though she was only with me for a short time. The first time we met was at the hospital, where FFD had been admitted overnight the day after she came to me. One of the most important things, I think, is that I showed that I cared about her as well as about her child. I tend to be on the nurturing end of things anyway, and she was very stressed out and then said she hadn't eaten, so I got her a peanut butter sandwich and some ginger ale. I told her how much her daughter needed her. I gave her my regular phone number (no concerns with safety) and invited her to call. I also gave her a bit of an idea of how I parent (which ended up being similar to her values; her parenting was actually not the issue in removal), and we found things in common that we could discuss as peers. I also didn't hover; the social worker had asked if I would supervise a visit at the hospital, since that was the only way mom could visit there, and I had no problem with that (pediatric ward? security can't get higher even if there was a safety risk), and I didn't hover, but made sure she was comfortable and sat talking with her about her child while she held FFD, fed her, etc. I also reassured her that neither I nor the department had any interest in keeping her child and that I knew her daughter needed to be back with her. Her worst fear was of losing her child forever, and she said it really helped to hear that I saw the positive in her as a parent. We kept in touch for a while after FFD went home (until she moved closer to family), and she gave me a lovely small gift when FFD went home, as a thank you. It was a very different situation than most, but I think building that relationship helped me, too - I felt better about FFD going home.

Thank you Ruth74. :-) I met the bio parents today and it was a very stressful FUM due to the parents fighting with each other and making accusations. Since this was my first meeting (and I wanted to start things out positively), I made chocolate chip cookies with the little guy and took photos of him baking. We brought the cookies for everyone and I printed off some photos for each of the parents of their son baking. I also got permission to email the parents photos and updates directly to the parents. I'm hoping that will help to begin a positive relationship.

The one caution I would say is not to get too involved with the family and their drama. The more visible you are, the more you can be a target for anger. I'm not really up on openness at the moment, but in the two cases where I could have contact with the birth family, I found that limited contact was the way to go-courteous, professional, but limited. In contrast, I know ffamilies that had a LOT of contact with the families...and every last one of them were accused of something at some point. I didn't have that problem. Even one birth parent that made accusations against every other foster family, the social works and even the judge was nothing but complementary to and about me--CPS was very busy on that case! It was kind of a joke with the social workers. In the other case, the family actually ended up doing a voluntary placement with me when my son was removed again. In both cases I was just praised for the improvement in their children. I felt my role was to care for the child. Period. I think that because I wasn't "there" to be a target, they could define me however they wanted to, but not really see me as on obstacle to the return of their child. Often I was treated as a babysitter when I did have contact, and frankly, it didn't bother me. Granted now that my son is adopted, his bfather still wants to treat me like a babysitter, but I'll get over it :) In contrast I know families that got far too involved--often with the thought that if they formed a relationship with the family they'd have some sort of "in" to adopt the child. In some cases that worked....but in each case I know, they also had wackadoodle calls at 4am, crazy accusations and, most often, attempts to drag the family into the drama. And in some cases it resulted in the child being moved to another fhome. So just be cautious and use common sense....and I would make sure to act from the child's interest, and not from the desire to curryfavor.

The one caution I would say is not to get too involved with the family and their drama. The more visible you are, the more you can be a target for anger. I'm not really up on openness at the moment, but in the two cases where I could have contact with the birth family, I found that limited contact was the way to go-courteous, professional, but limited. In contrast, I know ffamilies that had a LOT of contact with the families...and every last one of them were accused of something at some point. I didn't have that problem. Even one birth parent that made accusations against every other foster family, the social works and even the judge was nothing but complementary to and about me--CPS was very busy on that case! It was kind of a joke with the social workers. In the other case, the family actually ended up doing a voluntary placement with me when my son was removed again. In both cases I was just praised for the improvement in their children. I felt my role was to care for the child. Period. I think that because I wasn't "there" to be a target, they could define me however they wanted to, but not really see me as on obstacle to the return of their child. Often I was treated as a babysitter when I did have contact, and frankly, it didn't bother me. Granted now that my son is adopted, his bfather still wants to treat me like a babysitter, but I'll get over it :) In contrast I know families that got far too involved--often with the thought that if they formed a relationship with the family they'd have some sort of "in" to adopt the child. In some cases that worked....but in each case I know, they also had wackadoodle calls at 4am, crazy accusations and, most often, attempts to drag the family into the drama. And in some cases it resulted in the child being moved to another fhome. So just be cautious and use common sense....and I would make sure to act from the child's interest, and not from the desire to curryfavor.

Lady jubilee, you advice was so wise. I have learned first hand how crazy things can get it you are too kind and get too close to the bio parents. As a first time foster parent, I came into fostering with an open, loving mind towards my foster son's parents. Being kind and open has resulted in my foster son's bio mother (who is still using drugs) doing the following: - She falsley accused us of child abuse (unfounded by investigators and it was brought to our attention she does this regularly to everyone involved with her children) - Harassing and antagonized me via the Yahoo email address I set up to communicate with her (it has since been closed down and she has no other way to directly communicate with me) - Following me in my vehicle aggressively for 10 minutes after I picked her son up from a therapeutic visit (social workers now keep her inside for 5-10 minutes after I have left the building so she doesn't follow me again) - Following me outside after court taking pictures of me like she is papparazzi - She has harassed other people (including her own family members) and this is a pattern of behavior for her that she gets by with when she is not incarcerated. I am not alone and am not the last. For us, fostering has turned out lives upside down because of harassment by our foster son's bio mom. At one point my husband and I nearly separated due to the stress. We are strong now, love our foster son more than life and are working hard to advocate for his best interests. Anyone coming into fostering with an open heart and naively dreaming of having a good relationship with bio parents, I beg of you to please listen to the advice of those who have 'been there, done that' and getting close to bio parents is not a good idea.

We may have a rather unique situation, but we have a lovely relationship with our FD birth mom. We don't have a lot of face to face time, but there are certainly things that can help build some sort of relationship. Things that our birth mom has said that have been really helpful are: Written notes sent on her weekly visit. I always write the fun little things she had done, new milestones, things that brought to life her personality and things that seemed important like latest weights and heights etc. She loved hearing what new things her daughter had experienced. And without compromising our safety, I could toss in snip its of what life in our home was like... our two boys follow her every where and call her princess etc... And I ended every letter with we tell her that you love her everyday. (which her mother does truly love her). I sent pictures weekly on her visits, gave her an album after a year. I dressed her in the outfits that her mom gave her despite them not being the thing i would have liked to dress her in that day. i would send the toys that her mom gave her or talk about them in the letters (how she liked to play with them) I gave her permission to ask us questions (after we knew she was rather harmless) she wanted to know what kind of room did she have etc. Once we met in person she saw how much we loved and cared for her daughter....and in turn we finally saw how much she loved her daughter as well... and.... her daughter loved her too. happy ending... we are now in an open adoption with the mom. (dad's never been present)...and its our relationship that we developed over the year that helped her decided to have an OA with us and not place her with kin. ... So i agree you need to be cautious... we still have a lot of protection in place for us....and there are some crazy people out there... but not all parents are bad and dangerous....some just drew the short end of the stick when it came to the parents they had themselves.

In NJ they keep foster parents and bios apart as much as possible. CPS does all visit transportation and supervision. I prefer it that way. I met my STBAS' father once when I was asked to pick him up due to a transportation snafu. Never met the mother. In the 5 yrs I've been fostering, I transported twice. Makes things easier for me as a person with a FT job. Bios are never invited or aware of doctor visits, but all my kids have been healthy, so maybe that's different for sicker kids.